(Almost)Anything Goes

Act 1; Scene2:

Later that night Monica and Evelyn stood on the deck of the ship. The moonlight shone down upon them, the stars sparkling pinpricks in the everlasting pitch-black sky.

"Isn't it lovely?" Monica sighed.

"Uhmmm…"

"Look at the ocean in the moonlight."

"Uhmmm…"

"Isn't it beautiful?" Monica asked.

"Uhmmm…a bit overdone, I should say." Evelyn responded.

"And the moon is overdone too, I suppose?" Monica challenged in quiet disbelief.

"No, it's all right for what it is; but I have never shared the general enthusiasm for the moon." Evelyn replied.

"Evelyn, here we are on the deck of a ship, in the moonlight. Doesn't that mean anything to you?"

Slightly uncomfortable, Evelyn moved as though to kiss her, but found he couldn't and pulled away.

"Sorry, old dear, but until I get my sea-legs, I'm afraid I just can't rise to it. All the Oakleighs are bad sailors…" Evelyn apologized.

Before Monica could respond Chandler strode onto the deck, an energetic spring to his step and lilt to his voice.

"Hello there! I hope I'm intruding." Chandler greeted the pair enthusiastically.

"Not a bit. As a matter of fact, we were just about to call it a night." Evelyn responded cheerily.

"I'd call it a night. As far as I can see, there's only one thing wrong with it…" Chandler retorted with false cheer, giving a pointed look at Evelyn.

"Yes, I was just saying;" Evelyn responded, not catching Chandler's hostile point, "there's a bit of a roll…I don't like being tossed about."

A slightly devious gleam came to Chandler's eyes as he came up with an idea.

"We'll be all right once we get past the Narrows. That's the roughest place on the coast."

"How soon do we get there?" Evelyn asked with a tinge of worry.

"You'll know it when we do." Chandler responded before jumping slightly. "Oh! Oh! Feel that roll! It's starting."

"Well," Evelyn gulped, "I think I shall go down and prepare myself for death…and you Monica…"

"Well, I-" Monica started.

"It's getting worse. Oh, oh, there it goes." Chandler exclaimed.

"Oh, and here I go," Evelyn wobbled slightly on his way towards his cabin, "Toodle-oo."

Once Evelyn was gone Monica gave a slight laugh. "Was that fair?"

"Fair?" Chandler exclaimed, "I find you standing in the moonlight with him. I didn't shoot him. I didn't push him overboard. I think I was more than fair."

"Look Chandler," Monica sighed, "you've got to stop this. We met one night. One single night. At a party. We danced; we had a little too much wine. We took a little spin around the park."

"A little spin! You call twelve hours in the back of a taxi a little spin?" Chandler exclaimed in disbelief.

"Nine hours." Monica retorted.

"Twelve…nine with you and three more before I borrowed enough to pay off the thug that was driving." Chandler corrected.

"Well, I spent three hours trying to explain to Mother, and you weren't much help."

"I was very nice to your mother." Chandler defended himself.

"Nice? Telling her you were George Bernard Shaw?"

"Well, I wanted her to know you were in safe hands." Chandler joked with a tinge of defensiveness.

"Well, she wasn't amused. You'd better stay out of her way on this trip, Chandler. She hasn't forgotten or forgiven you for that night." Monica warned.

"I see you've forgotten." Chandler said dejectedly yet his eyes gleamed challengingly. "What's this nonsense about a fiancé?"

"It isn't nonsense Chandler. Sir Evelyn and I have been engaged for a long time…except for nine hours one night."

Chandler folded his arms across his chest and looked pointedly at Monica.

"Well, twelve." She amended.

"Well as far as I'm concerned, it's off again, and this sea-going hack is a big improvement over that taxi cab. Even the moon's doing better by us." Chandler said.

"It's getting late, Chandler. I'd better call it a night." Monica sighed, starting to walk away.

"Not yet, please-" Chandler pleaded, darting in front of her, "jus five minutes…just a 'quick spin' around the deck."

"I remember what happened the last time we took a quick spin." Monica retorted, still resisting.

"Monica, here we are on the deck of a ship in the moonlight. Doesn't that mean anything to you?" Chandler replied, mimicking her words to Evelyn.

"It's Delovely"

CHANDLER:

The night is young, the sky is clear,

And if you'd like to go walking dear,

It's delightful, it's delicious, it's delovely.

I understand the reason why you're sentimental

'cause so am I,

It's delightful, it's delicious, it's delovely.

You can tell at a glance,

What a swell night this is for romance,

You can hear dear mother nature murmuring low,

Let yourself go!

So please be sweet my chickadee.

And when I kiss you, just say to me.

"It's delightful, it's delicious, it's delectable,

it's delirious,

It's dilemma, it's d'limit, it's deluxe, it's

Delovely!"

MONICA:

I feel a sudden urge to sing,

The kind of ditty that invokes the spring.

So control your desire to curse.

While I crucify the verse.

This verse I've started seems to me,

The tinpantithesis of melody.

So to spare you all that pain,

I'll skip the darn thing and sing the refrain.

Me Me Me Me Me,

Re Re Re Re Re,

Do So Mi Do La Si,

Time marches on and soon it's plain,

You've won my heart and I've lost my brain,

It's delightful, it's delicious, it's delovely.

Life seems so sweet, that we deicide,

It's in the bag to get unified,

It's delightful, it's delicious, it's delovely.

CHANDLER:

See the crowd at the church,

See the proud parson propped on his perch,

Hear the sweet beat of the organ sealing our doom.

There goes the groom!

MONICA:

Boom!

CHANDLER & MONICA:

How they cheer and how they smile

As we go galloping down the aisle.

(Chorus enters)

CHANDLER:

It's divine, dear

MONICA:

It's devein, dear,

CHANDLER:

It's devundebar,

MONICA:

It's d'victory,

BOTH:

It's d'vallop. It's de vinner, it's d'voiks,

It's delovely.

CHORUS:

They settled down as man and wife,

To solve the riddle called married life.

GIRLS:

It's delightful,

BOYS:

It's delicious,

CHANDLER:

It's delovely.

CHORUS:
They're on the crest, they have no cares

They're just a couple of honey bears.

GIRLS:

It's delightful,

BOYS:

It's delicious,

MONICA:

It's delovely.

CHORUS:

You can tell at a glance

What a swell night this is for romance.

You can hear dear mother nature murmuring low,

CHANDLER: CHORUS:

Let Yourself Go!

So please be sweet, my chickadee, Ooo…

And when I kiss you, please say to me Ooo…

CHORUS:

It's

CHANDLER:

Delightful

CHORUS:

It's

MONICA:

Delicious

CHORUS:

It's

CHANDLER:

Delectable,

CHORUS:

It's

MONICA:

Delirious

CHORUS, CHANDLER, & MONICA:

It's dilemma, it's delimit, it's deluxe

It's delovely!