Terror
Part 3 Of 3
It had been nearly three hours since Amanda had been rushed into emergency surgery, three hours since Liv reluctantly had to let go of her cold and clammy hand and three hours since the doctor had literally pushed them all aside, saying that they had to wait in the waiting room for coming updates. The waiting part was fine, it was the not knowing part that drove them all to the brink of losing it and ready to rip the next passing nurse her head off if they didn't give them any new information about their friend.
Olivia sat in one of the uncomfortable chairs, elbows on her knees and head resting in her hands. Fin was seated next to her, his expression solemn and worried as Carisi paced back and forth in front of them both, almost creating an indentation in the hard linoleum floor from his constant walking left to right, right to left.
Three hours felt like an eternity and she couldn't help feeling a wave of dread spilling over her as her mind went rampant, thinking of all horrible sceanarios possible, as to why they hadn't heard any new information about their injured colleague. Fin's voice suddenly interrupted her unsettling thoughts. "She's gonna be fine, Liv, she's strong."
"I know she is." she whispered and took a deep shuddering breath. "Carisi, will you please sit down, you're making me nauseous with your constant pacing back and forth."
Before Carisi had a chance to utter a word, an older man pushed through the double doors leading into the waiting room, dressed in light blue scrubs and thick rimmed glasses. "Who's here for Rollins? Amanda Rollins?"
"Here!" all three detectives said in unison and immediately stood up, heading over to the surgeon, ready to face whatever news he had. Hopefully good news. "How is she?" Liv questioned, wasting no time to get to the point.
"Physically she's gonna make a full recovery. The shard of glass did however sever a few nerve endings in her shoulder so it might take a few months before they are fully healed. She will experience a 'pins and needles' sensation in her left arm for quite some time but it should ease up after a couple of weeks and then gradually it will fade completely. The blow to her head caused a concussion so she will have to stay over night for observation. She's starting to come around now and she'll probably feel nauseous for a couple of hours but she should be ready to go home sometime tomorrow."
They all breathed a sigh of relief. Amanda was going to be okay. "Oh, thank god. Thank you for everything. Can we see her?" Liv queried, feeling hopefull and anxious at the same time. All she wanted was to see for herself, with her own eyes, that Amanda was indeed physically fine. Mentally would be another problem but Liv was determined to see her through it and knew that the whole squad would help in any way they could.
"Yes, but not for too long, she needs her rest. She's in room 16 just down the hall to the left. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have many patients to see after this unfortunate and horrid event." the doctor politely dismissed himself and headed back through the double doors where he had previously come from, ready to tend to whatever injury that would present itself next.
"You guys go in first. I don't want to overwhelm her by crowding the room." the brunette explained. "I'll see her after."
As her detectives were checking in on Amanda, Liv sighed and leaned back against the wall behind her, resting her weight on it, suddenly feeling very heavy. She couldn't wait to see Amanda, to tell her how much she meant to her, how special she was and how much she appreciated her friendship, but there was another part of her that felt apprehensive, nervous and somehow defeated. Amanda had told her earlier, during their conversation on the phone, that Liv meant a lot to her as well, indicating that there were deeper feelings hidden beneath the surface than just a platonic friendship. The feelings she had for Amanda had been brewing for quite some time, the past few months to be precise, but after learning about the attack, and that the blonde had been so close to dying, she could no longer stay quiet and she just hoped that Amanda felt the same way.
It didn't take longer than a couple of minutes before Fin and Carisi returned, their expressions hard to read. "Is she awake?"
Carisi nodded. "She's awake but feeling sick to her stomach so she didn't say much. She was asking for you, though."
Hearing that Amanda had asked for her made her feel more at ease and confident that both women were sharing the same kind of feelings towards each other. Swallowing her own insecurities, she instructed Fin and Carisi to go back to the precinct to finish their shifts, before she entered the quiet room herself, promising to keep them updated about their colleague's condition.
As soon as she gazed upon the blonde, resting on the big hospital bed, her heart ached. It was clear that Amanda was in pain, judging by her tightly shut eyes, her deep frown on her face and her fast and shallow breathing. She didn't register the Lieutenant's presence right away and Olivia took the opportunity to study the stunning and soft and complexion of her subordinate, seemingly mesmerized by her beauty.
Amanda's face had been cleaned from all the dirt and dried blood, her hair looked somewhat better, not as tangled and disheveled as before, and Liv could see a large bandage wrapped around her left shoulder where the piece of fiber glass had previously pierced through her flesh and into the bone. Her skin was pale, her dry lips cracked and a soft moan slipped from between them just as two pale blue eyes fluttered open and came to rest upon Olivia, a weak smile gracing her lips when she spotted the brunette.
Liv smiled in return and came closer to the bed, needing to be near the woman she had nearly lost. "Hi." she whispered while taking a seat at the edge of the bed, close to Amanda's hip. "How are you feeling?"
The dryness of her throat caused an unpleasant and achy feeling and she knew that speaking would be uncomfortable. "H-hi." she croaked. "I've b-be-en better." she grimaced and swallowed, wanting to get rid of the soreness that came from speaking.
Quick in her actions, Liv spotted a plastic jug and a cup, with a straw, on the bedside table, poured some water into the mug and placed the straw by Amanda's lips and watched as the blonde sucked greedily at the cool liquid, desperate to sooth her aching throat, muttering a 'thank you' when she was finished.
It was hard to find words that could easily be spoken. Besides, Olivia didn't know where to start, what to say or what to do. It was like an overwhelming crushing wave of a powerful epiphany washed over her, threatening to swallowed her whole and she couldn't find any words that could describe what she felt in that exact moment. Instead, she leaned forward and captured Amanda's lips with her own in a slow but sensual kiss, soft lips pressing against each other, exploring, tasting, teasing and Amanda immediately responded by allowing Olivia's tongue to enter her mouth, feeling the warm and velvety muscle caress her.
It was a sudden action that Amanda wasn't prepared for but it didn't matter. Her initial shock faded as the kiss continued, her body responding to the electrical current that Liv was sending her and she could immediately feel a rush of heat travelling to her lower belly and between her legs. The brunette tasted so good, so sweet and spicy at the same time, intoxicating and addictive.
When Liv pulled away, Amanda's eyes were still closed, her lips still tingling from the heartfelt liplock and her heart fluttering like a whole swarm of restless butterflies. It took her several seconds before she finally opened them and found herself lost in Olivia's dark brown orbs, gazing lovingly into hers. "Is this what you meant by 'special'?" she questioned, her voice still husky and slightly out of breath from the searing kiss.
Chuckling, Olivia caressed a pale cheek with her knuckles and cocked her head to the side. "Yes, honey, you're very speacial to me. More than you can imagine. I... I could've lost you today and that scared the hell out of me." she admitted, tears forming in her eyes as she continued. "I hate that it had to come to this before I finally found the courage to... to kiss you... to tell you how much you mean to me but I'm here now and I'm not leaving. Ever."
Liv's sweet confession created a steady flow of tears to roll down her cheeks, only to have the brunette's gentle fingers to brush them away. Amanda lost it then and her chest heaved with emotions that were finally catching up to her, making it difficult to breathe as her throat clogged up and her walls crumbled.
Olivia was, for one second, taken aback by the sudden burst of tears and the guttural sob that tore from her chest with a choking sound. She wasn't going to ask why she was crying, why she was so upset and distraught. It was clear that the initial shock was wearing off, the fear, the horror, the pain and the terror was finally kicking in after the day's event and Olivia wasn't going to question it. Instead, she rapidly blinked away her own tears and scooted closer to her friend, placing a hand on her violently heaving chest.
"Easy, sweetheart, easy. I need you to slow down your breathing, you're gonna hurt yourself even more and it's not good for the concussion. Shhh, baby, I'm right here with you and you're safe now." she could feel Amanda's thumping heartbeat underneath her palm and it was so strong it felt like it was physically lying in her hand, pumping. "Oh, baby! Shhhh!" she rubbed her hand over Amanda's robe clad chest, trying to sooth the wildly beating muscle. "You've got to slow down or you're gonna make yourself sick."
Too late. Amanda's eyes suddenly went wide and a hand immediately went up to cover her mouth, desperately looking around for something to throw up into and was relieved when Olivia shoved some kind of plastic container underneath her chin just in time. The younger woman tried to turn to her side to ease the convulsions but it was proved difficult with her injured shoulder and pounding head. Fortunately, Liv noticed her struggle and instantly offered a helping hand by gently rolling the woman onto her side, towards her, and rubbed her back tenderly as Amanda dry heaved into the bucket, not much coming out as there was nothing in her stomach.
"There we go! Easy, sweetheart, nice and easy. One more? Okay, okay, get it all out, there you go. I'm so sorry you're feeling so sick, honey, so so sorry." she brushed her fingers over Amanda's cool and clammy forehead, reassuring her that she was there and that she wasn't alone. "You done or is there more coming?"
Tiredly, Amanda pushed the bucket away, indicating to Liv that she was finished being sick, for now, and that Olivia could remove the unpleasant looking contents. "M'sorry." she mumbled between tears, trying to get her breathing back under control.
"You've nothing to be sorry for, honey. Just take a minute to calm down, I'm right here." she tossed the disposable container in the trash can nearby and returned to her seated position on the bed, her hand rubbing soothing circles over the blonde's, slghtly sweaty back, easing her back down.
"The things I saw, Liv. I can't get it out of my head." she whimpered, new tears rolling down her cheeks. "I... I can't... I can't..."
"Shhh, I know, sweetie, I know. But we're gonna get through this, I promise you that. I'm here for you and so is Fin and Carisi, you won't be alone."
"I couldn't save her, Liv. Her legs... her legs were completely mangled and I... I couldn't... I just couldn't... Oh god!" again, she brought her hand up to her mouth as another round of bile pushed itself up her throat and all she could do was to brace herself for the inevitable.
Just like she had done a few minutes ago, Liv grabbed another disposable tray just in the nick of time and watched, for the second time, as the young woman struggled with the powerful convulsions. Her heart went out to her subordinate, not able to even begin to imagine the horrid things she must've witnessed while stuck in the wreckage of the train. How does one get over that? How does one function after such a traumatic experience? How could she help?
When Amanda was finished, Liv found some paper towels, wet them with cold water and began to gently wipe Amanda's face and neck while murmuring soothing nonsense into the room, hoping it would have some effect. "I know what you saw must've been absolutely horrific. You can talk to me, honey. Talking about it will help, even though it might not feel like it right now. I know everything is still so raw and fresh in your mind but I'm here whenever you're ready. There was nothing you could've done for that girl and you know it, her injuries were too severe and I don't think anyone could've saved her, sweetheart. You can't blame yourself."
Before Amanda could answer, a nurse came in to administer some pain relief into her drip and she felt an immediate effect and her eyes began to droop. Once they were alone again, Liv made a bold decision and kicked her shoes off, removed her jacket and carefully laid down on the bed right next to Amanda, guiding her head down onto her shoulder, cautious about her injuries.
"They'll kick you out, Liv." Amanda murmured, feeling sleep overtaking her senses.
"They can try. I can be very intimidating when I want to be so I don't think there'll be a problem." smiling gently, she kissed the blonde's temple while running her fingers over a clammy cheek. "Just rest, my love. I'll be here when you wake up."
For two hours Liv held onto the woman she cared so much for and Amanda slept peacefully, her nose nestling against the crook of her neck, feeling the gentle puffs of air against her skin, causing her drift off herself. She didn't know how long she had been alseep for when she felt the body in her arms starting to toss and turn, incoherent words emitting from the blonde's lips and a painfilled expression covered her face, obviously trapped in a nightmare. She couldn't make out anything she said but she knew it wasn't good when she spotted the flowing tears from between closed eyelids.
"Hey, shhhh sweetheart." lovingly, she caressed the scrunched up face, trying to erase the frowns of agony and despair with her touch but it didn't seem to help as Amanda's murmurs and movements only became more frantic and alarming. "Amanda, I need you to wake up, honey. You're having a bad dream, you're safe here with me, in the hospital and everything is okay. Come on, my love, open your eyes."
As if she had heard Olivia's request, her eyes fluttered open and, for a second, everything was okay until reality hit and the images from inside the train came back full force and she crumbled once more, sobbing in the earnest. Liv felt her chest physically ache at the sight and her own eyes began to well up, devastated for her friend. "Oh, my sweet girl, I'm so sorry you're going through this. I wish I could erase the images in your head or bear them for you."
Amanda pressed herself as close to the other woman's body as she could get, whimpering in despair, clutcing at the front of Olivia's blouse, completely unravelling before her. This was something that, in her right state of mind, wouldn't do. Never would she allow herself to cry like this in front of anybody and especially someone in her squad, especially Olivia, the woman she had always considered a role model and a bit of a hero, someone who seemed so strong all the time and never judged other people for what they were and what they portrayed. This was something she just, plain and simple, didn't do. Yet, here she was, completely breaking.
"I... I almost fell over a man trying to get to... to Greta. He was face down and I... I checked for a pulse but... there was no heartbeat. I.. I flipped him over to... to start chest compressions when I saw... I... I saw... I saw his... his brain coming out of his skull and half of his face was... was missing." another wave of nausea swallowed her but she managed to, somehow, keep it under control. "I.. I can't get it out of my head, Liv. What kind of a cop am I? I'm so... so... weak." she spat, angry at herself for reacting the way she was and embarrassed for losing her self-worth and her pride by crying like a baby.
"Amanda, listen to me." Liv insisted, caressing the wet cheeks with her knuckles, drying the tears as they fell. "You are a great cop and an amazing detective. I have never come across a more dedicated and passionate woman than you and you're absolutely one of the best detectives I've ever worked with. As cops we've seen things, awful things, out in the field, things we'd rather forget but our minds won't let us. I can't imagine the horrific things you saw but you're only human, honey, and how your body chooses to cope with the aftermath of it all, has nothing to do with being weak. Everything is still so raw, sweetheart, you have to give it some time but I promise you that things will get better."
The younger woman fell silent. She knew Olivia was right. Everything was so fresh and the images in her head so incredibly clear that it was as if someone was playing a slideshow of brutal and macabre pictures on repeat, right in front of her, forcing her to watch.
A nurse came through the door to check Amanda's vitals but stopped when she realized she had a visitor, in her bed. "Oh, um... visiting hours are over, I'm afraid."
Immediately, Amanda began to panic and her hold on Olivia tightened, not wanting to be left alone. "Please, don't leave me." she whimpered, tears soaking the skin of Olivia's neck as she pressed her face into the warm and safe crook.
Liv bent her head down and kissed the golden crown gently, rubbing her hand up and down Amanda's slender back. "Hey, I'm not going anywhere, sweetheart." she hushed in a low tone so the nurse couldn't hear, but raised her voice as she continued to speak. "I'm not leaving her and that's final."
The young nurse could easily tell that Olivia was being serious by the sound of her tone and the look on the Lieutenant's face told her that she wasn't to be messed with. Her eyes travelled between the two woman, cuddled up so closely on the bed, and she just couldn't find it in her heart to make this woman leave. The affection and care Olivia showed towards Amanda was so strong and powerful that they would surely be inseparable until the blonde was cleared to leave the hospital.
"I didn't see you." the nurse whispered, quickly checked Amanda's vitals and left with a sneaky smile on her face.
"See what I mean?" Liv chuckled and wiggled her eyebrows. "I've still got it."
Amanda managed to smile through her tears, relieved that she didn't have to spend the night alone and that Olivia would be with her the entire time until she was released some time tomorrow. Glistening blue eyes slowly travelled down Olivia's elegant features but stopped when her gaze finally reached the plump and dark lips, feeling the incredible urge, a strong need, to feel those lips on her own once again. Hesitantly, she leaned closer, so close their breaths were mingled together, caressing each other's faces with the lightest of puffs, soft and gentle.
It was the warmest and softest of kisses and Amanda felt her heart skip a beat when she felt the Lieutenant's hand at the back of her head, carefully pressing her closer, deepening the sweet liplock. For several minutes they kissed, exploring one another's mouths and tongues, tasting and feeling each other until the blonde eventually pulled away, breathless and flushed. "That was... amazing."
"Yes, it was." Liv grinned, brushing golden tresses away from her heated face, running her knuckles over a blushed cheek. "And there's more where that came from, but we have all the time in the world to make out, plus, the doctor said you have to take it easy. I don't want you to get worse, honey, so please, do as you're told." she joked, smirking softly, which caused her a dig in the ribs from the younger woman. "Ouch!"
"There's more where that came from." Amanda smiled and placed her head on top of Olivia's chest, listening to the steady heartbeats bellow her ear. "You promise you won't leave?"
The soft words made Olivia slightly sad. Trust was obviously a thing that Amanda never had experienced a lot of before, like herself, and the older woman made a promise to herself to never break Amanda's trust in her. Gently, she pulled the blonde almost on top of her, mindful of her injuries, and held her tightly. "I promise you that I'll be here for as long as you want and need me. I won't break your trust, Amanda. Ever."
The End
