Authors Note: Brackets are chat transcripts

Monday I pull the silent treatment on Stan. I feel like I've gone through the grieving steps. Right now I'm onto the anger phase. I feel betrayed that he didn't tell me about Wendy when he dumped me. I should have figured that there was someone else; he really is a handsome guy.

For some reason I'm not giving the silent treatment to Cartman. He went out with his camera and filmed Stan for the sole purpose of hurting me more. I guess the fucked up bit is that I just expect shit like that from Cartman. I know that if he has any opportunity to make my life worse, he will take it every time. So, here I am chatting with him at lunch as if he didn't send me that link.

"No way, guys can't get breast cancer!" Cartman is so painfully uneducated. I can't believe that we have had the same formal education.

"Of course they can r-tard!"

"Nuh-uh. Guys don't have titties."

Kenny speaks up then. "Big fatties like you have titties." Kenny, Stan and I bust up as Cartman objects.

"Shut up you impoverished pillock!" he shouts. We look strangely at him. "What? I've been watching a lot of the BBC lately." When we don't say anything, he adds, "assholes."

"Look dude, of course men can get breast cancer," Stan spells out for him.

"But how would that be funny then? If men got breast cancer it would totally ruin the joke!" I shake my head. Oh man, Cartman is such a fucked up individual. Stan sighs and gives up. Trying to reason with Cartman is like talking pig Latin to a donkey.

Butters walks by and says hi. He is so different from when we were in elementary school. I imagine that his conversion to goth was probably caused by his psychopathically militant parents. Maybe dressing weird and dyeing his hair is a way of lashing back against their over-protectiveness.

"Hey Butters, do you have notes from Friday?" We share the same advanced English class; he is really good with words.

He plays a bit with his ponytail while he answers. "Well sure I do Kyle. I can go get them from my locker."

"No, it's okay. I'll copy them during class. Thanks a lot."

Butters black lips turn upwards into a beaming grin. He is always so enthusiastic about helping others.

"Butters, get the fudge away from us," orders Cartman.

"Okay!" says Butters cheerily as he hurries away from our table.

"Cartman!" I yell.

"What? Butters is a little douche." It figures that Cartman wouldn't like Butters since he represents everything that that fat fuck is missing: compassion, intelligence, honesty.

When lunch gets over, Stan touches my elbow to get my attention. Oh man, that's the first time that I've felt his touch in over a week. It makes me feel wobbly. "Kenny and I are going to play some hockey over at Stark's Pond after school. You want to come?"

We're face to face and I've been asked a direct question, so it's not as easy to keep up my silent treatment. His eyes are so bright and expectant. Maybe he feels that I'll talk to him since he touched me. Well fuck him, he can't manipulate me like that. I walk past him as if he never asked me a question. Behind me I hear Cartman laugh, since he watched the incident.

"Shut up fat ass," snaps Stan. I continue on to class.

&&&

That night, before heading to bed, Cartman sends me a second youtube link.

[J00zsuk: What the hell Kyle?

Stansman4eva: What?

J00zsuk: why is everyone I know a fag?

Stansman4eva: What?

J00zsuk: I just wanna know why south park is so fucking gay.

Stansman4eva: I don't know what you're talking about Cartman.

J00zsuk: You can have sex with every person I know, but I'm still not gonna want your body. I swear.

Stansman4eva: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?!!]

A youtube URL pops up in the chat window. I hesitate before clicking, remembering what happened the last time I did this. Would it be Stan and Wendy doing more than kissing this time?

[Stansman4eva: What is it?

J00zsuk: just watch it you pillock.]

I don't understand why I always cave in when Cartman wants me to do something. Still, I cut and paste the link with dread in my heart.

The lighting is much better than the last one and I can see Kenny right away. Please let this not be a video of Stan making out with Kenny. It's Stan and Kenny at Stark's pond. They're both wearing skates and have hockey sticks in hand. Kenny's is cracked up the middle. I remember when that yeti broke it. It was at Stark's pond I realize. Oh, I'd forgotten about that death. The yeti had broken him and the stick into pieces. Kenny had been pissed when he'd come back to life. He'd duct taped the stick but it'd been pretty shitty since then.

The camera angle looks like it's coming from a bush or something since there are some twigs and stuff in front of it. Cartman goes through great lengths to bring me misery. It does bring me some amusement to think of that fat bastard trying to hide in a bush.

I hear Stan's voice, my heart speeds up a bit. "I don't know why he couldn't just come out with us. Hell, he's not even talking to me."

"Do you blame him?" asks Kenny. "You dropped him after like five years so that you could fuck Wendy Testeburger."

Stan pauses with the shot he'd been lining up for. "What? How did you know that?"

"Cartman recorded you guys making out and set up the video on youtube."

Stan's face goes through a number of odd emotions. I can identify them all. I think I've made him feel all of them before. At first he looks surprised, then confused, doubtful and here is angry. "What?"

"Kyle saw everything. He saw you guys being all loving with each other. It broke his fucking heart." He edges his stick around the puck and took a shot, but in a leisurely way. Stan wasn't being an opponent at the moment.

"Oh man," Stan says pinching the bridge of his nose. That has always been such an endearing gesture of his that I actually let out a little squeak of pain to see it. "That…asshole."

Kenny shrugs, skating in little circles around Stan. "Well, you knew it was going to hurt him."

"That's why we haven't told anyone at school yet. I wanted to give Kyle time first."

"Stan, can I ask you something?" Kenny passes the puck back to Stan. "Why? Why Wendy over Kyle?"

I am enrapt by the video and when my mom knocks on the door, I jump about ten feet in the air. I hit the pause button. "Kyle, it's time for dinner!" she yells.

"Be right there ma!" I shout back.

I stare at the screen. Do I want to hear why? It's not as if there is anything that I can change about it. No, I decide, I don't want to know. I push myself away from the computer and head to my bedroom door. I rest my head against the wood. With a deep sigh, I turn back to the computer. I can't do it; I have to know.

"We've just been together for so long you know?" Stan says vaguely. He attempts a shot that Kenny deflects. "No, that's not it. I can trust you right?"

"Uh-huh," assures Kenny.

"We… me and Wendy I mean, we… kinda fooled around a couple of weeks ago. I didn't mean for it to happen."

"That's kinda messed up."

Stan nods in agreement. "I know. I never wanted to cheat on Kyle. I mean, I love him and I don't want to hurt him. It just felt so good to be with Wendy again. I couldn't take the chance of ever doing that again. I'm not the two-timing type."

"So, as far as you and Kyle are concerned, you're done for good right?" asks Kenny.

Please, I think I will die if I hear Stan say those words. The only reason I've been even trying to be normal at school is because I've been thinking that Stan will change his mind.

"I don't know," says Stan angrily. He is angry at himself. I thrill to his words. He still loves me.

"Well, you can't fucking have 'em both," says Kenny in annoyance.

"I know that!" Stan exclaims. "I'm just confused."

"Well, you should figure it out." I don't think I've heard that tone of voice out of Kenny before. He sounds mean. I think back to that strange one-sided kiss. I wonder if it's hard for Kenny to be talking about our relationship woes with his interest in me. I still am not quite sure what his interest in me is honestly. I don't know if he was just doing that because he's such a spontaneous weirdo or if he really is harboring some feelings for me. From the way he's talking to Stan I can't help but think that maybe it is something deeper. "He might not stay single forever."

Stan freezes from their half-hearted game. He looks scared. "He's started seeing someone already?" He sounds so broken-hearted. I smile.

"No, but he has interested parties." Kenny looks Stan straight in the face. I see Stan's cheeks drain of color as he realizes what Kenny is saying. I think my own cheeks are pinking at the words. "I left him alone while you were together, but if you throw him away, I'm going for it."

The video stops. I stare at the screen. Wow. When I minimize the window I see that Cartman has messaged me.

[J00zsuk: are you watching?

J00zsuk: hello? Hey! carpetmuncher!

J00zsuk: what'd you do to kenny? he's the only fucking straight person left in this school.]

For some reason, reading what Cartman has written makes me laugh. I think it's partially shock, but it's also kind of funny. When the hell did Kenny turn gay? Why is he into me?

[Stansman4eva: I don't know what to say.]

There is no response and I figure that Cartman must have left to get dinner, which reminds me that my own is waiting for me. I don't know how I'm supposed to eat after all this fucking soap opera stuff that my life is doing.

Kenny's words repeat over in my head. "…if you throw him away, I'm going for it." I can't believe that Kenny said that about me. Kenny has been my friend as long as Stan, but I've never thought about him in any romantic way before. He's always been kind of dirty, both in appearance and in mind. It's weird considering his frequent resurrections that he's not more noteworthy in South Park. He always just kind of blends into everything.

It must be the parka. He just hides himself away beyond its orange folds. He took the hood down though, before he kissed me. I guess that was his way of opening up. Plus, it's probably hard to kiss with that thing on. I bring my fingers to my lips. Kenny wanted to kiss me, had kissed me. I feel myself blush. Talk about a delayed reaction.

"Kyle! Your dinner's getting cold!" I hurry down to dinner still fearing the wrath of my mother as much as I did as a child. I can deal with this stuff later, maybe.