A/N: Thanks again for the reviews, faves etc. It's nice to feel loved
"Item #4: Possesses an unbearably awful sense of humour. Detailed breakdown: Subject displays a constantly preposterously blatant appreciation for a type of humour better known to civilization as a lack thereof. Subject is commonly found laughing at jokes and/or supposedly humorous events that are, in fact, far less amusing, if indeed at all, than he mistakenly believes. Potential partners are advised simply to affect a tactical retreat in such situations, as subject is often dissuaded from sharing the aforementioned lack of humour with an empty room."
"Oh there you are," a familiar voice interrupted his reading.
His head snapped up. Blaine.
"Hey," he surreptitiously folded the paper calmly and stashed it in his satchel, "you missed Warbler practice."
"Wes'll understand," Blaine said vaguely, hands clasped behind his back.
Kurt doubted that, but let it slide nonetheless, "where were you?"
"Nowhere special," Blaine hedged, shifting slightly on the spot.
Kurt eyed him suspiciously, "...and this surprise is...what exactly?"
Blaine's eyes lit up, "I think you're going to love it." He pulled a relatively innocuous box out from behind his back and handed it to Kurt.
"...thanks," Kurt surveyed it, noting the tiny holes that peppered the brown cardboard.
A sneaking suspicion wormed its way into his mind...he wouldn't, would he?
No way.
He was almost too afraid to look.
"Open it," Blaine suggested helpfully.
Kurt raised an eyebrow, "will something jump out at me?"
Blaine shrugged.
Kurt shook the box slightly and listened as something rustled.
"Ah-" Blaine reached out and stopped him, "don't do that."
Oh god.
"It's not alive, right?" Kurt almost pleaded, "please tell me it's not alive."
"Not for much longer," Blaine muttered.
"What?" Kurt's eyes widened, "what was that?"
"...your mind's starting to wander?" Blaine covered hastily, "just open it already."
So he did.
"Oh my god, you bought me a turtle!" Kurt stared, aghast, at the tiny reptile as it scurried around its cardboard cage.
Blaine shrugged.
"You can't just buy people turtles, Blaine!" Kurt threw his hands up in the air in exasperation.
"Why not?" Blaine asked innocently, "Is there a law against it?"
"No, but-"Kurt began.
"Then I think you'll find," he grinned cheekily, "that I can. Besides, you said you liked them," he shrugged, "and that Pavarotti was lonely."
"I was speaking hypothetically!" Kurt's voice rose several notes and he clutched his satchel, fingers curling tight around the straps.
"How do you hypothetically like turtles?" Blaine petted the turtle on its shell, making little cooing noises.
"As in the cartoon versions are adorable," he briefly considered asking Blaine to get his sanity checked, "I didn't mean that I wanted a real, live, one."
"Oh, okay then," Blaine shrugged and picked the cage up, tucking it under his arm, "later, Kurt."
Kurt watched as Blaine sauntered towards the door, "wait, Blaine!"
"Yes?" Blaine spun elegantly on his heel and appraised Kurt with a raised brow.
"Where are you taking it?"
"To the toilet." Blaine made a face as if to say 'duh'.
"Blaine Anderson!" Kurt almost yelled, shocked, "you are not going to flush that poor thing down the toilet."
"Why not?" Blaine tilted his head, surveying the fuming Kurt with amusement, "you don't want it."
"Yeah but that's...you can't just!" Kurt spluttered, "Blaine! Don't you move one more – stop!"
Blaine exited the room and continued down the hall, shoulders shaking lightly as he struggled to contain his laughter.
"Come back here," Kurt yelled, dropping his satchel on the seat before racing after his wayward friend, "Unhand that turtle you horrible excuse for a human being." He addressed Blaine's retreating back.
Blaine ignored him, simply walking a little faster.
"This is ridiculous," Kurt broke out into a full run, "could you please...just...stop."
Blaine schooled his features into disinterest, then stopped suddenly and turned around to wait for Kurt to catch up. He raised an eyebrow.
Kurt slowed to a walk, mind racing...how to get the turtle away from Blaine? He faked a stumble and, when Blaine moved to help him, snatched the box from his surprised hands and hugged it to his chest. He took a step backwards.
"I can't believe you would just..." Kurt trailed off when Blaine failed to restrain a loud guffaw, "oh you are so evil."
Blaine shrugged, his eyes crinkling in amusement.
"That's not funny," Kurt protested grumpily.
"From where I'm standing? Priceless." Blaine teased, "Kurt Hummel sprints to save turtle," he punctuated each word with a wave of his hand indicating a news title.
"You, sir," Kurt sniffed, "are abominable."
"It's one of my many qualities," Blaine agreed, "so what're you going to call it?"
"Snappy B," Kurt shot back, "short for Snappy Blaine." He started walking, "I can't believe they were right..." he muttered under his breath.
"Can't believe who was right?" Blaine fell into step beside him, a curious expression on his face.
"No one," Kurt answered a little too quickly and walked faster.
Blaine was immediately suspicious. Wes and David were up to something, he could feel it in his bones. He was now certain it involved Kurt in some way, shape, or form...he just wasn't sure how. His mind drifted back to a conversation he'd had with them just shortly after his epic failure of a serenade at the Gap, right after Kurt had told him the news that had shocked him to his very core...
"Blaine, I have to admit that I fail to see the problem." Wes leant back in his chair and folded his arms, fixing his gaze on the troubled teen across from him.
"He told me he was in love with me," Blaine flicked his gaze to David, seated beside Wes, his expression appealing, "that he thought I was going to sing for him."
David's face remained impassive as he addressed the other, "Your point being?"
"He shouldn't be!"
"Okay," Wes sighed, "let me get this straight; Kurt is in love with you."
Blaine nodded.
"And you're fairly sure the feeling is mutual, correct?"
Blaine winced slightly but nodded again.
"So really," Wes shot a sideways look at David, "the problem is a figment of your over productive imagination."
David nodded in agreement, "Wes is right, Blaine, there is no problem."
"You're wrong," Blaine sighed, "the problem, is that I don't deserve him."
"Enlighten us," David waved ambiguously, "explain your reasoning."
"Right now he has this impression of me as some kind of hero," Blaine's voice was dark with self-loathing, "swooping in to save him from the big, bad, bullies."
"You did," Wes reminded him, "he came here because of you."
"And I hate myself for that," Blaine muttered then, louder, "but I'm not. If he only knew how cowardly and hypocritical..." he turned his head to the side, jaw clenched tightly.
"We all have flaws, Blaine," David said gently, "what matters is that you helped him."
"He deserves someone better," he said stubbornly, "someone who isn't..."
Too afraid to be himself
"...me."
Wes and David shared a brief look before both nodded.
"We accept," Wes announced, as Blaine's head shot up in confusion.
"Accept what?"
"You believe Kurt will hate you if he knows your flaws, correct?" David asked, a knowing look on his face.
"I know he will." Blaine sighed.
"That," Wes stood up abruptly, "remains to be seen. Shall we?" He addressed David.
"Absolutely," the other smiled, and the two headed off together leaving a dumfounded Blaine in their wake.
They wouldn't...would they?
Of course they would.
He was going to kill them.
Coming up next:
"You actually bought those pink sunglasses?"
