Red vs. Blue...vs. Green

Story Two: Where's the Fucking Exit?

Chapter Three: Wanna Fight?


"Hey, Commander."

"Parts."

"What...uh...what are you doing?"

"Standing. You?"

"Same."

"Hmm."

"Did we-?"

"Yes."

"Okay. Did you-?"

"No."

"No, gotcha. Did it work?"

"What the fuck do you thing?"

"No, sorry. Okay. Just curious. Wanna get breakfast or somethin'?"

"...Yeah, all right."


Enemy trudged up to the clearing where stood the Blue base. For once, he might actually be happy to see Phill again. "Who goes there?" called a voice from above.

"Where are you?" asked Enemy.

"I am somewhere you cannot find me!"

"Are you on top of the base?"

"...No!" called the voice again, inflecting the 'o'. "I will ask you again! Where are you?"

"That was my question!"

"No it wasn't!"

"Yes it was!"

"Are you sure?"

"I just asked you that fifteen seconds ago!"

"I have no memory of this taking place! You must be an imposter!"

"You don't even know who I am!"

"Silence! Who are you...and where are you?"

"Enemy."

"He said enemy! Shoot him!" The air around Enemy filled with projectiles. Enemy himself danced around the bullets, feeling several impact with his armour.

"Whoa! Hey! What the hell! Stop it!" The firing stopped.

"Hurry up and reload that thing, Name!" Phill snapped.

"I'm not your enemy! My name is Enemy!" Enemy shouted up.

"Wait, are you Enemy?" asked Phill.

"Yes! I am Enemy!" shouted Enemy.

Phill turned to Name. "It's Enemy! Shoot him!" The air once again filled with bullets and Enemy danced again.

"Ow! Hey! Come on! Cut it out! You bastards! Stop it! Argh! Son of a- Ow! Damn it!"

Name suddenly stopped firing, clicking the trigger frantically. "What the hell's wrong with that thing?" snapped Phill turning to Name. "Is it jammed? Don't you know how to un-jam it? Has the trigger come loose? Is it stuck? Did it break? Did the magazine fall out? Are you out of bullets?"

Name nodded, relieved it only took Phill this long to guess.

"Then reload the damn thing! I don't want another moron to get in here."

"Uhh, Phill..." moaned Snot behind them.

"Speak of the devil."

"Uh, we're out of ammunition. That was the last of it."

"What? There was enough for a whole army when we got here and we've only used two clips!"

"Well, I had to use something to dig that grave for Sheila. Also, she had some problems so I tried to make her better."

"You shot her to make her better?"

"The way I see it, bullets for tanks are like pills for us, right?"

Phill turned to Name. "Name, are you sure you don't still have one round left? I'm torn between killing Snot, Enemy, or Snot."

"You guys!" shouted Enemy, peering over the hill he'd taken cover behind. "I've switched over to your team! We're allies now!"

"Wait, does that mean you'd like to take a command?"

"Well...sure, I guess." admitted Enemy.

"Oh, thank Christ!" sighed Phill jumping from the roof. "I'm out, you're in charge now Enemy. Have fun."

"Wait! I don't want command of your squad; they're completely incompetent."

"Then you should blend right in, shouldn't you? Wait, why are you switching sides all of a sudden?"

"Let's just say I lost my appetite and short-term memory repressing something I saw my ex-teammates doing."

"You're just bitching! How bad could it have been? It's not as if you found them behind a rock having sex."

...

"Eww!"


"For the last time, Parts, I don't want to pick out curtains for the base."

"Come on, Commander! They'll add a nice homely feel, give the men a little taste of home."

"There aren't even any windows!"

"That's the beauty of them. We can put them up, keep them closed and pretend that we have windows."

"You been sniffing the glue again?"

"And the plan is two-fold; we can hang another bunch on the outside and pretend that we're spying through our windows."

"We've got a perfectly good roof with a sniper rifle on top. Why would we look out windows to spy on our enemies?"

"Then we have to think about resale."

"Re-what?"

"In case you wanna settle down and have a few children. We'll need the money to buy a nice small cave in the country-"

"I don't want to settle down with you, private!"

"-where the little tykes can run free and eat corpses-"

"How in the ring did we get onto this subject? I'm not interested in having children! Not now!"

"It's never the right time with you, is it?"

"What?"

"It's always 'Me! Me! Me!' and never 'Me! Me! Me!'"

"What the hell are you complaining about?"

"I want to live the dream! I want to have our babies, but your duty always gets in the way of that!"

"That's it! I'm not giving you rations of magic markers anymore! As your commanding officer, I order you to-Oh, screw it all." The Commander slapped Parts on the face. "How do you feel?"

"Oh yeah, bitch! That's just how you like it, isn't it?"

Slap!

"How's 'bout now?"

"Thank you sir, may I have another?"

"Much better. Now, I've got an idea how we can modify the base and the Puma outside. I just need to draw down the schematics." The Commander picked out a marker from his belt and began to draw on the wall. "Blast it all, the damn thing's empty."

"Don't worry sir, there's still some ink on the inside of my nose."

"Very resourceful, Parts. You may get a rise in rank soon enough."

"Oh, I've gotten too much of a rise already, Commander."

"Shut up! You are forbidden to talk about those events that never happened."

"Ooh, forbidden. That just makes it so much more...forbidden."

"You talk; I kill you over a period of twenty years, by the end of which you'll be begging me to turn of the Twilight movies."

"You make a valid point there."

"You're goddamn right I do! Now, no one else will know that-"


"-The Commander and Parts had sex?" exclaimed Phill.

"Yep."

"And you watched. Tisk, tisk, tisk. Pervert."

"Hey! I didn't watch!" fought Enemy.

"You said that you were there for about a minute before you left. From where I'm standing, you were looking."

"I-It's hard to take your eyes away when you see something...weird. Good luck over there, by the way."

"Oh no, there is no way I'm going over there. I make war, not love."

"That explains a lot."

"I had sex once." said Snot, receiving stares from everyone else. "I only wish I'd had some company at the time."

"Well, I guess there's one good thing out of this mess." said Phill, being an optimist for the first time and still somehow being annoying at it. "At least now there's four of us and only two of-Hey! Where do you think you're going?"

Phill had just spotted Name, walking away from Blue base. He had had enough of this crap. He'd rather be in a place where the people around him wouldn't get pissed off enough with each other that they'd ignore friendly fire. This entire base would be blown up by the end of the week, and he'd be safe and carefree at the Red base. Perhaps The Commander would even requisition more soldiers; preferably female.

"Name, I thought we were becoming...friends." emoted Phill, a tear coming to his eye.

Name flipped him off.

"Oh, you son of a bitch. Take this!" Phill picked up his rifle and pulled the trigger. That's all that happened. "Yeah, you better keep walking away! And you better keep flipping me off!"

"Hey, that sounds like fun! Can I join in?" asked Enemy.

"No, you can't."

"Can I keep flipping you the bird, Phill?" asked Snot, bird high in the sky.

"Please, Snot, it's only more insulting to you that a man of your standard is flipping me off."

"How?" asked Enemy.

Phill turned back to Name. "Hey, arsehole! If you got something you wanna tell me, why don't you say it to my face?"

Name turned, shooting Phill a stone-cold stare. It was the kind of stare with a 'don't-fuck-with-me' quality and an 'I-eat-kittens-for-breakfast' presence. Phill froze with fear, expecting Name to ninja-throw his gun straight into his own helmet.

Phill backed away into the base. "Hey, you guys, I...think it's time we set up camp inside the heavily fortified bunker."


Later that day at around dinner time which was nearing midnight but it looked like afternoon, Phill debriefed Enemy as to the ideas he had to achieve victory. Phill had to admit, he was impressed.

"Well, I have to admit Enemy, I am impressed. How did you think about all this stuff?"

"I have a gift for it, I suppose."

"You saw it in a movie, didn't you?" It was then that Snot returned from his search, so Phill turned his attention (for the first time) to him. "How did the search go, Snot?"

"I couldn't find any blankets, but I did find a note pinned to the wall back there. Who's 'Cabose'?"

"Are you sure that's not a typo?" asked Enemy, looking at the paper. "Maybe it's supposed to be 'Caboose'?"

"Nah," objected Phill; "no one's stupid enough to spell their name wrong. Although, it takes a certain special type of stupid to mistake 'P. Hill' as 'Phill'. Its two completely different words. I mean, there's a full stop in-between them, how hard is that to spot?"

"Why don't you ask the people who sent telegrams? They had to say 'stop' because they didn't know what a full stop was."

"I see your point. Well, we'll just have to sleep on the floor and-"

"Wait." interjected Snot.

"Snot, why are you interjecting this conversation?" asked Phill. "Didn't your mother tell you that interjecting a person's conversation is rude? You can't just interject every time you feel like it. Would you like it if I interjected you every time you had alone time 'interjecting' yourself? I don't think so." Phill took a breath. "So, what did you want to say?"

"I have no idea what the hell I was going to say." said the stunned Snot.

"Well, since that's all over, I think we-"

"I remembered it!"

"Damn it!"

"I wanted to know if you guys had found anything?"

Phill and Enemy exchanged looks. "Us?" asked Enemy. "Found? That would imply that we had been searching in the first place."

"So I was doing all the work?"

"Yep." agreed Phill and Enemy simultaneously.

"Am I always gonna be doing all the work?"

"Yep"

"I think I should be able to say or do something against that."

"Well, what are you gonna do?" asked Enemy.

"I...uh...well, I'm kinda tired out from looking. That water you found, Phill, really went to my head."

"Did you drink every last drop like I told you to?" asked Phill slowly.

"Huh? What did you say dancing giraffe? I can't hear you over the sound of the soft breeze. Look how quickly that floor is coming at my fa-" Thump!

"What did you give him?" asked Enemy.

"Name and I found a whole bunch of sedatives. I figure, we make Snot do all the work then drug him so he can't complain."

"Nice plan."

"I thought so. How was your water?"

"Mmm, it was really refreshing."

"Wait, what? Oh, son of a-" Thump!


It was planet Earth and the Covenant had overrun all the landmasses. A whole army was charging and there was only one man who could stop them. The Commander blazed his bazooka high in the air, ready for battle. "Come get some of this!" he shouted. "Today is a good day to blow shit up!" Suddenly, all the aliens turned into women, The Commander's bazooka turned into a hose and the Earth turned into whipped cream. "Now this is warfare."

The closest woman reached him. She stood close, leaned in and said; "Do you like me?" The voice sounded very familiar.

"Your voice sounds very familiar. Do I know you?"

"Of course you do. It's me, Parts."

"Parts? What in Victoria's Secret happened to you?" It was then that The Commander woke up. He was no longer on a whipped cream planet but in Red base, he was no longer looking at a woman but at the face of Parts, but he was still holding onto a hose of sorts. Immediately he crawled away as far from Parts as he could.

"You sounded like you were having a bad dream." explained Parts. "You were moaning and whistling and making the kind of noises babies make when sucking on bottles. Were you dreaming that you were a baby?"

"I was role-playing jackass! Why did you have to wake me up? Why couldn't you leave it for a few seconds more? On an unrelated note, do you have a sister?"

"Yeah. People say we kinda sound alike. Why, what about it?"

"Nothing...

...is she hot?"


Phill had shut off the noise receptors to his helmet and still it didn't help. He could still hear the grinding of Enemy's armour as it scraped the concrete. He could even swear that he saw sparks at one point. Now, he'd had enough.

"Enemy!" he shouted. "If you're masturbating over there, do it during alone time. That's what it's for."

"What? I'm not doing that. I just can't sleep is all."

"Try harder then, I want to get some as well."

"Hey, there are certain things that I've seen today that I really didn't wanna, and now I want to get to sleep! Do you know how hard it is to keep those memories repressed while unconscious?"

"Okay! Okay, I get the point. Jeez, just count sheep or something. Better yet, count how many you can hit with your rifle. That's what I do."

"You know what I do?" asked Snot.

"Nobody cares!" chorused Phill and Enemy.

"I picture myself on the top of a big building," continued Snot; "and then I jump over the edge and count how many stories I fall past."

"And...does it work?" asked Phill.

"I wouldn't say it if it doesn't."

"What's your record?" asked Enemy.

"Three thousand and sixty-eight. The only downside is that I wake up screaming."

"I have to say, the downside to the sheep one is that I wake up without a pillow." admitted Phill.

"Can I have more of that drug water?" asked Enemy. He did and fell asleep.


"Argh! Argh! Oh my God! Argh! Wee! Argh, holy! Jesus! Wah!"

"Morning, Snot." he said. Enemy looked around him and wondered where the hell he was. The base had changed. It was still blue. It was still concrete. There were however two holes in the floor at both sides of the room. "What the hell happened here? Everything's so shiny."

"Morning, Enemy." said Phill who had just walked into the room. "I see you've noticed the renovations."

"You did this all last night?"

"Night? You two have been asleep for days. I spent all that time making fortifications, melting tank parts for ammunition, upgrading the teleporter, creating a grav-ramp and a hole-"

"Ooh, I like the hole."

"-adding a basement and a one-airplane hangar."

"Wow, you did a lot. Aren't you tired?"

"No, I'm not tired. You're the one who looks tired, all wavy and leaning slightly to the right. Stop swirling and fading into darkness." Phill looked around the room for a few more seconds before fainting in a messy green pile on the floor.


"How much longer, Commander? I wanna get back inside so I can put on my tanning thong. I've got a lot of vitamin E to catch up on."

"Couldn't you have just asked 'how much longer' and left the rest of it out?"

"Don't you like my lifestyle?"

"Is this a trick question?"

"Can I recommend a pedicure? Or a manicure?"

"For the last time, no! I already had one before we left. And we're almost done here. I just need you to give it one more crank. Argh! The Puma you idiot! Not me!"

"Sorry sir. I thought the gearstick was something completely different."

"I don't know if I should feel weirded out or complemented. Ah, those traitors won't see this coming."

"Yeah, they'll be running with their dicks between their legs."

"I believe the term is 'tails' between their legs, not dicks."

"You mean I've been doing it wrong this whole time?"

"How's about you shut that mouth before you get something shoved in there."

"Ooh!"

"Quiet! You know what I meant!"

"Seeing as you're in the back, can I drive the Puma, sir?"

"Back? I'm sitting right next to ya."

"Then who is that I'm seeing in the review mirro-Oh my God!"

"Digested Swiss Cheese! Name! Don't sneak up on us like that, but if you did that as an attempt to spy on us, well done apart from the being spotted bit. On a sidenote-Please don't kill me!"

Name just sat silently. As usual. Because that's all he EVER does.

"Wait a minute. I don't think he's here to spy on us. I think he's here to join us." suggested Parts.

"He he! Got fed up with the morons at Blue base, huh?"

'Yeah, so I decided to switch to the morons at this base instead.' thought Name. He so desperately wished that he could say that. 'Note to self,' he thought, 'buy a chalkboard.'

"That means it's three on three again, boys." said The Commander.

"We've got a threesome going on here!"

"No we don't."

'Maybe it was a mistake to switch.' considered Name.

"Fellas, we're going in." The Commander said with an air of suspense.

"In where?" asked Parts.

'Yep, this definitely was a mistake.' admitted Name.


"You complete dickhead, Enemy."

"What?"

"You said that you came up with those plans."

"And I did."

"Then why the hell does Red base have the exact same architecture? The exact same modifications I made?"

"That bastard stole my ideas! He's been using my skills since the first day we got here. Always looking over my shoulder to see what kind of death ray I was building or a new way to cook Snot. I bet he didn't even have the decency to pay the copywrite on the plans!" Enemy turned to Phill, arms folded and not amused. "Please don't kill me."

"You guys!" shouted Snot from below. "They're coming to kill us in that jeep thingy!"

"Thanks for the warning, Snot!" shouted Phill.

"Warning? I thought this was good news. Now I can hurry up and finally fucking die."

"Tell me again," began Enemy; "having Snot on our team, does that really count as an ally?"

"Don't worry. In the end, we can use his corpse as a bullet shield."

"Fire!" shouted The Commander in the background.

"Water!" shouted Phill.

"Fuck!"

Name began shooting the mounted machinegun. For the first time, he was actually able to kill some of the people he had despised for the last few months...and loving it. Who knows, maybe when all this was over, he might just kill his own teammates and live in total bliss.

Phill and Enemy took cover behind the concrete barriers. Snot stood out in the open, waving his arms in the air and shouting; "I'm over here! Shoot me! I want to die!"

"Nobody cares!" shouted back The Commander. "Circle around the base and let's take em' out."

"What's that on the roof?" asked Parts. "It looks like a guy holding some pipes."

The Commander looked up at the Blue roof to see Enemy. What he was holding was less than welcoming. "Dumbledore's ghost! Taking evasive manoeuvres!" The jeep swerved left and right, narrowly avoiding blasts from the rocket launcher.

Enemy ran out of rockets. "Phill, reload me!"

"I only made two."

"Why did you only make two rockets?"

"I thought you were a better shot! By the way, nice shooting arsehole!"

The Commander steered around the Blue base. "Got a clear shot from here, Name? Name? Answer me, damn it! Oh, right. Parts, grab the grenades on my belt."

"More than happy to, sir!"

"Uhh, on second thought, I'll get 'em." He quickly pulled out two pineapples from his belt and handed them to Parts, who tossed them gingerly in his hands. "Throw them up on the Blue base!"

"Right on it sir!" Parts threw the first one up.

A grenade landed between Phill and Enemy. "Is that a pineapple?" asked Enemy.

"It's a freaking grenade! Run!" shouted Phill who leapt from the roof and hid behind a rock.

Parts turned back to The Commander. "How was that, sir?"

"Good, good. Except next time, could you pull the pin out before you throw it?"

"Sure thing. I'll just throw this next one and-" said Parts. He didn't say anything else because he'd stood up to throw the second grenade and was thrown clean out of the jeep.

"Well...that was unfortunate. Was it?" he asked Name.

Name shrugged. It was then that he saw Phill hiding behind a rock.

It was then that Phill saw Name see him behind the rock. "Oh, monkey scrotum!" he shouted as he ducked back down the rock as it began to intake round after round of armour piercing bullets.

Parts rolled to a stop. He shook his head as he stood. "Man, I throw like a woman."

"And you fall like a bitch, too!" shouted Enemy.

Parts looked around and saw Snot. Snot was frozen with what appeared to be fear. He was staring at the ground at the grenade that had landed in front of him. Parts made a split second decision and, with almost regular speed yet somehow slowed in motion, Parts charged at his teammate. "No!" he shouted as he leapt into the air, grabbing Snot and forcing him back into the Blue base as the grenade exploded. Parts dusted himself off. "I did it. I did it! I saved your life!"

Snot sniffled. "You bastard." he said simply.

Enemy knew he had to do something quickly otherwise Phill would end up with more fist sized holes than a strip club. Well, maybe not too quickly. He walked to the edge of the roof and pulled the pin out of a grenade that had landed next to him.

The Commander made another trip around the Blue base, Name blazing away. The Commander was amazed at how much ammunition had been used without a reload. He heard a thump from the hood of the car. He turned to see a grenade caught between the windscreen and the hood. "Dalmatians!" he shouted. He put the jeep into cruise and locked the wheel. He leaned over the windscreen and reached for the grenade.

Name looked down to see what was happening and wasn't at all relieved to see that The Commander was driving with his foot. 'I knew I should have been an actor.' he thought.

The grenade was just out of reach. There was nothing to it. The Commander whipped his legs around and kicked the grenade away, but the force blew him out of the jeep.

Name held on tight as the car, knocked out of cruise, skidded to a halt. He looked up, thanked God that all his limbs were where they should be and then hated him after discovering that no one had died. He saw Enemy on the roof, hands of victory in the air.

"Aww yeah! Suck it, Commander! K.O.!" He then saw Name and his turret. "Shit!" and ducked behind the barrier as Name opened continuous fire. It was over almost as soon as it started. The gunfire ended and Enemy thought he was dead. He was both relieved and disappointed to find out otherwise.

Phill knocked Name from the turret and wrestled him to the ground, punching him continuously. "Say Uncle! Say Uncle! Oh, well...mime it! Mime it!"

Name grabbed Phill's fist and lifted him clean in the air before throwing him away as if he was dirt.

Phill skidded across the ground and just barely hit a nearby rock with his head as he slowed down. "Oh thank you God." He was suddenly lifted off the ground. He looked back and saw Name, his arms attached to Phill's waist. "Damn you God!" he shouted as he was thrust face first into the rock. And again. And again. And again. Phill grew tired, and slightly woozy, from the continuous bashing against the rock so he reached for the nearest hardest stone he could find and smashed it against Name's face.

Name felt the impact very much so. He dropped Phill and held his head while he regained balance.

Phill crawled away, the stone still clutched in his hand. He turned, seeing Name returning to normal. He figured that since he had a rock, he'd better use it so he threw it at Name's head.

The impact hurt more on the inside than the outside. Name was pissed off.

Name looked pissed off as he turned to face Phill who had just freshly shat his pants. "Silt." he said, unable to remember the pronunciation of the proper swear word.

Name advanced upon Phill.

Phill ran like hell, screaming and flailing his rifle behind him and firing randomly in Name's general direction.


Enemy watched this spectacle of soldiering with great interest. He was so angry that he couldn't post this on the internet. "Hello?" asked a heavy voice behind him. Enemy turned to see The Commander feeling out around him, blinded by the many dead bugs on his visor. "Is anyone there? Can someone clean this gunk off my helmet, I can see the expressions of the flies when they impacted."

"Here," said Enemy, drawing back a nearby sniper rifle like a club; "let me help you with that."

"I know that voice." said The Commander. "Mom?" Smack!

"Yeah! How did that feel, Sergeant Asswipe?" queried Enemy.

"That's Commander Asswipe to you, Enemy." answered The Commander. "Wow, you knocked the bugs right off me."

"The extra coat is for free." teased Enemy as he swung again at The Commander who caught the rifle.

"You need to work on your execution." he said, breaking the rifle in half. "I intend to execute you right now."

"Oh shit."

Phill had almost run half the length of Blood Gulch, and he wasn't even tired or complaining. He had also not managed to hit Name with a single bullet. It was even worse when he felt like he was being tackled from behind...because he was being tackled from behind.

Name was enjoying every second of the pummelling he was giving Phill. It was something he had so very much been looking forward to for so long. But it wasn't enough to just punch him. He had to put a bullet between his eyes. Name un-holstered his pistol and aimed it at Phill's forehead.

"Wait!" shouted Phill. "Aren't you gonna ask if I have any last requests?"

Oh yes. Name was definitely going to enjoy this.

Parts and Snot watched Enemy and The Commander fighting above them from inside the base. "Who do you hope will win?" asked Parts innocently.

"I hope everyone lives."

"Oh, that's-"

"So that they can suffer."

"-horrible. Yeah, I don't like talking to you." said Parts and he walked to his own corner.

Enemy had to find a way out of this headlock and then grab some kind of weapon. Luckily, he had just spotted a pistol lying on the ground nearby. "I'm gonna make you squeal until you sound like Christina Aguilera!" proclaimed The Commander.

"Your mother sounds like Christina Aguilera!"

"Kiss my nuts, Harry!"

"That's not a bad idea!" shouted Enemy and head butted The Commander in the groin.

He immediately let go of Enemy and staggered closer to the teleporter. He slowly regained his breath. "Gotta say, that was a good strategy." he said.

Enemy picked up the pistol and aimed it at The Commander.

The Commander pulled out his shotgun and aimed it at Enemy.

Don't you hate cliff-hangers? Well, guess what...