Chapter Three

A/N: SEE FIRST CHAPTER

"Come on , internet!" Ron yelled.

"Hurry up!" Sirius yelled.

"It's on! Shut up!" Snape yelled at them.

DUMBLEDORE: "Yes, yes, welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts! And a very special welcome to my favorite student Mr. Harry Potter!"

The children, with the exception of Malfoy, all cheered.

RON: "Woo!"

DUMBLEDORE: "He killed Voldemort when he was just a baby, he's even got that little lightening scar on his forehead to prove it. And another very special welcome to our newest addition to Gryffindor, Mr. Ginny- excuse me, Ms. Ginny Weasley."

Malfoy began to chuckle under his breath, which ended when Hermione pulled out her wand.

GINNY: "Yeah, I'm a girl and also, aren't we supposed to be sorted by the uh… sorting hat?"

DUMBLEDORE: "Well a funny thing happened to the sorting hat, he actually got hitched with another piece of enchanted magical clothing. So he and the scarf of sexual preference aren't going to be back until next year. Basically I've just been putting anybody who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor, anybody who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin, and the other two can just go wherever the hell they want, I don't really care."

Ron sniggered and Hermione threw him a reproachful glance.

"Now that's how we should have been sorted." Sirius barked out a laugh.

CEDRIC: "Hufflepuffs are particularly good finders."

"That made no sense." Cedric griped.

DUMBLEDORE: "What the hell is a Hufflepuff?"

Harry and Ron burst out laughing. It was such an unDumbledore thing to say.

"Anyway, it's time now for me to introduce my very good friend and our own potions professor, Mr. Severus Snape."

RON: "Oh man, I was hoping they fired that guy!"

"Ron!" cried Hermione, slapping his shoulder.

"What?" he objected.

Harry just shook his head.

GINNY: "What's wrong with Professor Snape?"

RON: "Uh nothing, he's just uh… evil!"

Hermione gave him a look and Ron repeated, "What?"

HARRY: "Oh, come on Ron, he's really not that bad."

Ron and Hermione, along with Malfoy, Sirius and Remus, turned to face Harry who seemed just as shocked as anyone that he had been the one to say that.

"It's not me!" he cried in defense.

Everyone ignored him though as they were too busy laughing their tails off at Snape's character.

SNAPE: "Harry Potter…Detention."

HARRY: "What?"

SNAPE: "For talking out of turn…"

Ron raised an eyebrow at Harry as if to say "You were saying?"

"I didn't say it Ron!"

"Now, before we begin I'm going to give you all your very, very first… pop quiz! Can anyone tell me what a port key is? Oh yes, Ms. Granger?"

HERMIONE: "A port key is an enchanted object that when touched will transport one or ones who touch it to anywhere in the globe decided on by the enchanter."

Harry, Ron, Ginny, and Malfoy all smirked at Hermione's portrayal.

SNAPE: "Oh, very good…Now can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is? Yes, Ms. Granger?"

HERMIONE: "Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned early in the story to return later in a more significant way."

SNAPE: "Perfect…"

RON: "Wait, what's a port key again? I missed that one."

"You would be the one not listening…" huffed Hermione.

"What?" Ron asked.

"Oh, never mind."

HERMIONE: "A port key is something that when you touch it will transport you anywhere."

SNAPE: "And remember, a port key can be any sort of seemingly harmless object, like a football…a dolphin…"

"A dolphin?"

"A cute animal that would run away from your ugly mug Sirius."

"Moony, not nice."

LAVENDER: "Professor…? Could like a person be a port key?"

SNAPE: "No, that's absurd. Cause then if a person were to touch themselves…"

"Why look at me?" Ron asked.

Harry and Ginny stuffed their fists into their mouths in order for Ron to not hear the giggles and chuckles coming from them.

"they would constantly be transported into different places. A person can, however, be a horcrux."

Dumbledore looked up sharply.

HARRY: "What's uh, what's a horcrux?"

SNAPE: "I'm not even going to tell you Harry, you'll find out soon enough."

HERMIONE: "Professor, what is the point of this quiz?"

SNAPE: "Oh, no, no, no point in particular…Just important information that everyone should know…Especially you! Now, moving right along…There are four houses in all, Gryffindor-"

GRYFFINDORS: "Woo!"

All the Gryffindors in fact wooed as well.

SNAPE: "-Ravenclaw-"

RAVENCLAWS: "Ow!"

Cho cheered on her house, as she was the only Raven there.

SNAPE: "-Hufflepuff-"

HUFFLEPUFFS: "Find!"

"Diggory, shut up!" Malfoy yelled at the Puff.

"I second that." Harry said, though sickened by having to agree with Malfoy. Dumbledore smiled at that.

SNAPE: "-What? And Slytherin…"

SLYTHERINS: "Yes…"

SNAPE: "Now traditionally- traditionally points are given for good behavior and deducted for rule breaking…example; ten points from Gryffindor!"

HARRY: "What..?"

SNAPE: "For Ms. Granger's excessive pep."

HARRY & RON: "Thanks Hermione…"

Hermione rolled her eyes.

SNAPE: Traditionally, the house with the most points at the end of the year would win the House Cup, however this year, we're doing things a bit differently…Here to introduce it is our new professor of the Dark Arts…Professor Quirrell!"

HARRY: "Ow! Ow! Ow!"

HERMIONE: "What's wrong?"

QUIRRELL: "The House Cup…a time honored tradition…For centuries-"

DRACO: "Go home terrorist!"

Ron, Malfoy and Harry burst out laughing.

"Malfoy, I don't like you." Ron said. "But you're brilliant sometimes."

"I know." Harry said. "Why didn't someone say that to Quirrell when he was alive?"

"Because it would have been rude?" Hermione interjected.

"Nah." All three boys said.

QUIRRELL: "For centuries, the four houses of Hogwarts have competed for the honor and glory of holding the title of house champion. But where does this competition come from, and what are the…roots of the tradition?"

HERMIONE: "The House Cup tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts students."

"God Granger, shut up!"

QUIRRELL: "That was a rhetorical question…"

"See, even Quirrell agrees with me."

"Malfoy, Quirrell is someone you don't want agreeing with you." Harry said.

DUMBLEDORE: "Granger, quit interrupting, twenty points from Gryffindor."

RON: "Thanks Hermione…"

QUIRRELL: "As I was saying…When the tournament first originated, it was one of a completely different sort…One champion from each of the four houses would complete a series of dangerous tasks…challengers would not only win the cup but eternal glory."

"I'm confused."

"Join the club."

"But you don't know what I'm confused over."

"Potter, you're always confused. I'm amazed that you passed your first year."

"Severus."

"It wasn't me, headmaster."

All eyes landed on Malfoy.

"What?"

HERMIONE: "Kind of like a House Cup, or no- like a Triwizard Tournament."

QUIRRELL: "Yes, sort of like the Triwizard Tournament, except no, not like that at all…There are four houses, how can it be the Triwizard Tournament with four teams?"

HERMIONE: "Well, Professor, if I remember correctly, the House Cup was disbanded after one semester when one of its students was killed during the first task."

"Hermione, are you sure that's not you?" Ginny smirked.

QUIRRELL" "Yes, the competition is very dangerous, but the rewards far outweigh the risks!"

HERMIONE: "I don't think you heard me, I just said somebody died!"

"Is that Hermione contradicting a teacher? "yelled Ron.

"It's the end of the world!" Harry cried.

"Oh, be quiet!"

DUMBLEDORE: "Hermione Granger, shut your ungodly lopsided mouth and quit interrupting! Twenty more points!"

HARRY & RON: "Thanks Hermione!"

DUMBLEDORE: "God, for the cleverest witch of your age, you sure can be a dumb-ass sometimes…Ten points to Dumbledore!"

Harry and Ron couldn't help it. The laughter they had been holding for the past five minutes spilled over and they burst out.

"Nice. One. Sir." Harry said as soon as he could gasp for breath.

QUIRRELL: "Yes, yes, well it will be very dangerous, but the winner will be remembered as a hero for ages to come. And, as the Professor of the Dark Arts, I believe that this practical application is exactly what the curriculum needs to-"

AH-CHOO!

DUMBLEDORE: "Did your turban just sneeze?"

QUIRRELL: "W-what? No."

"I'm amazed Tom didn't sneeze as well. He smelt disgusting." Harry muttered.

DUMBLEDORE: "I could have sworn I heard a sneeze coming from the back of your direction, but your mouth wasn't moving."

QUIRRELL: "No, that was simply a fart, excuse me."

"You're a dead man, Squirrel!" Harry sang (to the tune of 'You're a mean one, Mr. Grinch). Everyone else (besides the rest of the trio and Dumbledore) just gave him odd looks.

AH-CHOO!

HARRY: "Ow! Ow! Ow!"

"What's with you Potter?"

"Yeah, Harry. You're acting odd." Hermione said.

"*Detention* *First year*" Harry coughed, and Hermione instantly understood.

AH-CHOO!

QUIRRELL: "I must be going…"

HARRY: "Ow…"

AH-CHOO!

QUIRRELL: "I simply farted once more, excuse me!"

More laughter. Really, what else did you expect?

DUMBLEDORE: "In accordance with the newly resurrected House Cup, the champions from each house will be selected to compete! Now Snape, will you do the honors please?"

SNAPE: "Yes, Headmaster... First, from the Ravenclaw house… a Ms. Cho Chang!"

CHO: "Oh my God, I won! Can you believe that y'all?"

SNAPE: "Next, from Hufflepuff… a Mr. Cedric Diggory…"

CEDRIC: "Well, I don't find this surprising at all…"

"Shut up about the finding!" Harry, Ron, Sirius and Ginny shouted.

"It's not me!" Cedric retorted.

CHO: "Now, I can spend more time with my beloved boyfriend…"

CEDRIC: "I'm glad as well, my darling!"

Ginny and Sirius were miming gagging noises, and Hermione and Remus actually slapped them on the back pretending to help them cough up whatever was caught.

SNAPE: "And next, from the Slytherin house…a Draco Malfoy!"

DRACO: "Hah! Ho! I've finally beat you, didn't I Potter? What do you think about that, huh? I'm the champion this time!"

Harry looked faintly disgusted at the idea of Malfoy rolling in his lap as the one on stage was doing, as did Malfoy.

"I'm disturbed." Ron said, hiding his eyes.

"You're not the only one." Cedric muttered.

DUMBLEDORE: "Draco, would you sit down, you little shit? Champion's just a title!"

The tension, which had been stifling, was broken and everyone broke out into laughter. Ron was crying ;he was laughing so hard.

SNAPE: "And finally, from the Gryffindor house…Oh my…well isn't this curious? The one person in all of Hogwarts whom I have a well-known grudge against is suddenly in a tournament where he may very well lose his life…"

Harry groaned.

NEVILLE: "If it's me, I-I'll just apologize to my fellow Gryffindors right now for losing."

"Aww…Neville…" sighed Ginny.

"Stupid Longbottom."

"Shove it Malfoy."

SNAPE: "Sit down, you inarticulate bumble! It's Harry Potter!"

RON: "Woo!"

Everyone laughed as the real life Ron did the same thing.

HARRY: "What..? Uh-huh…Oh yeah!"

"Smooth Harry."

"Shut it Ron."

DUMBLEDORE: "Well there you have it folks, your four Hogwarts Champions. I want all of you to start preparing immediately because the first task is in two months and it could be anything. So, let's get to it! "

A/N: Thanks for all of the reviews. I've been humming 'Back to Hogwarts' all day and have gotten some weird looks. Oh, well. I got my English class to waste the last hour of class by humming it, and then some guy knew the words and another guy could play it on his guitar and then when we finished the bell rang and the teacher couldn't give us homework. But seriously, we preformed that today! I love my life!

Oh, REVIEW!