And long ago
I lost my soul
To some forgotten
dream and
How was I supposed to know
It wasn't what it
seemed
And even though the last hello
Has left me on the
floor
I don't believe in Romeos or heroes anymore.
Life got cold, Girls Aloud.
*********************************************************************************
I had been unable to fall asleep during my time upstairs. I had tossed and turned, eventually kicking off my covers, before I gave up on getting some rest. I didn't understand why I wanted to go to sleep. I would dream about flashing blue lights, stairs that never ended and bathroom floors. The dreams would wake me up with tears streaming down my face, mingling with the thin layer of sweat on my face. Though, like today, when I was unable to get sleep then I would just get more tired and find myself being restless with everyone. I hadn't minded being a pain in the arse with the nurses and doctors, as I knew that I would never have to see their faces again after I left, however I refused to let myself push my family and friends away again.
There was a soft knock at my door.
I straightened myself out on the bed, realising the uncomfortable position I had been lay in. No wonder I feel so crappy, I thought.
'Come in,' I said, hating the weak tone that seeped into my words.
The door was pushed open slowly and Mother stepped inside, giving me a soft smile. 'How are you feeling, honey?'
'Splendid,' I chuckled.
A small smile tugged at Mom's lips, though it didn't reach her eyes. She continued to watch me under her motherly gaze, wincing every time her eyes fell upon a bruise – as if she could feel the pain I had experienced. I wondered if she had come just to look at me, so she could make sure I wasn't a figment of her imagination, though she proved me wrong when she spoke.
'Your friends are downstairs,' Mom said.
I had wanted them to come, I knew I needed to apologise, yet I felt a stab of fear pinch in my chest. I was scared of their responses when they saw me and I worried that I wouldn't be able to get away from their questions. It was too soon for me to open up about the last few months of hell, and I didn't know if they would understand that.
'I've asked them not to question you,' said Mom, obviously noticing my distressed face, 'they promised to keep their questions to themselves until you're ready.'
I breathed a sigh of relief. My past was like a wound. It was beginning to heal finally, though if I started picking at it now then it would begin to bleed once again and I would suffer a fresh dose of pain. I needed the wound to scab over and heal first. I wanted it to completely heal.
'Shall I send them up?' Mom asked, giving me a reassuring smile.
I wanted to say no, lock the door, hide under the covers, and never have to feel anything again. But I was a brave girl and I knew where my responsibility lay. I looked up at Mom and nodded. She offered me another smile before vanishing from the door, her footsteps echoing down the hall.
I spent the next few minutes playing with the blanket draped across me, trying to control my shaking hands. These were my friends, the friends I had abandoned; it seemed odd for me to be scared of seeing them. I reckoned the unknown was what scared me the most. I was totally oblivious to what their reactions would be; would they be happy? Angry? Sad? Part of me wanted them to strangle me, demanding to know what I had been thinking when I left Sunnydale, though this thought scared me because it would be a question that I still needed time to answer. Or, I thought, maybe there was no answer. I hadn't been in the right frame of mind during those days, my judgement had been clouded by the power of love.
The door opened with a high pitch squeak.
I sucked in a deep breath, forcing myself to stay calm, and turned my head towards the door.
Willow was the first into the room. Five years had matured her extremely. Last time I had seen Willow, which had been a five years previously in this exact bedroom, we were both nineteen years old. Now she was twenty four years old. Her hair was in a bob, random pieces of hair flicking out on either side, yet the same vibrant red colour. I was glad – I had always adored Willow's hair colour. Her face had matured, looking older than the last time I had seen her. Her skin had developed a soft glow through the last five years, making her blue eyes look deeper. Willow had more curves than I remembered and one thing that I hadn't missed was the wedding ring on her finger. I felt a pang of guilt sweep through me. I had missed my best friend's wedding.
Her face looked saddened at first, though it turned into shock when she saw my face. It wasn't as shocked as it could have been, although I guessed Mother had told them about the state of me.
Xander was the next to barge into my room. His face was hardened at first; however it slowly turned into a frown as he studied my face. Xander hadn't changed much through the years. His black hair was slightly longer and shabbier, his face was still tanned and he still showed off an in-shape structure. His face had matured, like Willow's, but still showed signs of his baby face in odd places. I knew that under the deep frown I would recognize the joyful, cheesy smile that was always plastered on his face. However, as I looked closer, I noticed a certain twinkle that wasn't reaching his eyes. And I wondered if I was not the only one who had been having a rough time.
Then, there was Giles. He still wore a smart suit, slightly creased and faded, with a red tie. His glasses were perched on the end of his nose, a small smile spread upon his lips as he observed me. He had a few more wrinkles than the last time I had saw him, though the responsible and loveable Giles was still evident across his face. He looked much taller than before, slightly thinner, and he had huge bags under his eyes. I felt another twinge of guilt as I remembered how much Giles had done for me and how I abandoned him, like Mother and my friends, without even looking back. He didn't deserve it. None of them did.
'Oh, Buffy, you make it extremely hard to be cranky with you,' said Willow, frowning.
'No! Be cranky, please. I deserve it.'
'That bastard did this to you?' growled Xander, his fists clenching and unclenching.
I nodded. Xander didn't press on for anymore answers as I looked down at my shaking hands. There was so much that I wanted to say, that I wanted to explain, though I knew it would have to wait. They deserved an explanation of why I looked like I did, covered in bruises and looking extremely ill, and I knew they deserved a summery of the last five years of my life. However, I decided to start with the most important thing.
My apology.
'Listen, guys, I can't explain how sorry I am and I –'
The rest of my apology was drowned out as the three of them climbed onto the bed and hugged me softly. I noticed how they all seemed to be applying any weight onto me, and I was thankful. Every part of my body had been aching the last week and I would be unable to cope with the agony in all their applied weights were to lean on me.
'We missed you, Buffster,' whispered Xander, rubbing my back.
If only they had knew how much I missed them. I had spent days thinking about them, gazing at the phone and wondering if I should give them a call. In the end I always decided against it as I didn't want to intrude in their lives that I had disconnected myself from.
'I missed you all too,' I replied.
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Authors Note: YAY, thanks for ALL the reviews. I'm so glad that you are continuing to read. This story shall be confusing for a while. I am set on clearing up Willow, Xander and Giles' time without Buffy first, before dragging Angel into it. He shall probably be mentioned in the next chapter! I hate not being able to answer your questions, but they shall all be answered throughout the story! Once again, thanks so much! X
