ACT III
[SCENE: The ROYAL PALACE that is definitely not the EINZBERN MANOR. A grand PARTY is in progress, featuring a wide assortment of EXTRAS who are most definitely NOT just HIGH SCHOOL STUDENTS that were each offered EXTRA CREDIT by TAIGA to perform for FREE.]
ARCHER: The lord Zouken Matou and his granddaughters!
RIN: Heeeeeeeello, hotness!
ARCHER: Rin, I know we joked about it, but you don't have to ogle every girl who walks in.
RIN: If I'm going to be prince, I'm going to enjoy it.
ARCHER: One of those girls is your sister, Rin.
RIN: Not in the play, she's not. [RIN stares at her SISTER with OPEN LUST, just in case anyone forgot that RADIANTBEAM is one of the CO-WRITERS.]
ARCHER: … wow, this is hard for me to find funny anymore.
RIN: Just keep on announcing, bitch.
ARCHER: The… wait, what? The… the… the lady? Shinji?
[Enter SHINJI, in a FLOWING PINK BALL GOWN. Its sparkling WOULD MAKE EDWARD CULLEN JEALOUS. He is followed by his RETINUE, who look as CONFUSED as even the people seeing this FOR THE FIRST TIME.]
CASTER: ... That's it? All you did was put a dress on him? After all that?
ZERO CASTER: Brilliant, isn't it? We save a ton on magic, and pass the savings on to future wishmakers.
CASTER: You really think Rin will fall for that?
ZERO CASTER: I'm sure she'll never notice. He has very feminine cheekbones.
SHIROU: But... but you needed all those children...
SABER: Shirou, for the love of all that is holy, do not ask.
LANCER: This is garbage! It's act three and I don't get any lines? What happened to the big magic scene? I was supposed to get turned from a dog into a coachman, and you people just skipped over it!
TAIGA: Budget, admittedly, has some minor effect on the flow of genius.
ILYA: She spent most of the money on food and we had to ditch a lot of flashy effects.
TAIGA: You hideous little traitor.
KIREI: I don't really have to do anything, anymore, do I? You people just narrate yourselves with stupid.
LANCER: I'm hitting the bar. Rider, you game?
RIDER: Actually, I heard Ayako is here so I'm going to go sta—er… find her.
RIN: Everyone, quiet!
[The room falls SILENT. The dashing PRINCE and the lovely LADY SHINJI lock eyes for the first time. The world IS STILL AND SOLEMN, in this one, PERFECT MOMENT.]
RIN: HHAHAHAHAHAHA! OHGODOHGODOHGOD!
SHINJI: … … 'She won't notice', huh?
ZERO CASTER: She might be laughing at something else.
[She ISN'T. She is laughing at SHINJI.]
CASTER: In her defense, it does look pretty ridiculous.
[SHINJI glares. CASTER glares back. SHINJI turns his gaze away in DEFEAT.]
SHINJI: So when I was saying how ridiculous it looks, all the way here, why didn't anyone listen?
ZERO CASTER: … … …
CASTER: … … …
SHIROU: I think it goes well with your eyes.
SHINJI: I don't want to hear that from a mouse!
SHIROU: The script says the mice are horses now.
ILYA: Maybe we could have gotten real horses for the play if someone hadn't insisted on premium steak for dinner every night and drained the whole budget.
TAIGA: I needed protein for my genius!
ILYA: You know? I'm starting to wonder if the Flow of Genius is a real thing.
TAIGA: … … … … … Get out.
ILYA: You can't kick me out! I wrote half the script!
TAIGA: You wrote the stupid half! Stupid! I denounce you! I cast you from the Genius Pool! Begone, traitor!
ILYA: … … … … you will regret this. [STORMS OFF]
ARCHER: This is going to have consequences later, isn't it?
RIN: Shhhhhh, I'm too busy laughing at Drag Queen Shinji.
ARCHER: … well I can't blame you. But maybe we should keep going with the play before something goes wrong.
RIN: … HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Oh, Archer, that might be the first time you've actually told a funny joke.
ARCHER: Look. I just recognize patterns, alright? I think it's in our best interests to get this play done before Hurricane Ilya hits.
KIREI: As the Dashing Prince showed enough genre savvy to recognize that the play was a trainwreck, and Sir Archer shivered in fear of his sister, Shinji consulted his Fairie Godmother and her shady hired goon to determine what he should do next.
SHINJI: Dammit, people! This wish is not going as promised!
CASTER: I did warn you this was going to be a rough one.
ZERO CASTER: Jeaaaaaaaane... my Holy Maiden, I have come for you at laaaaaaast... … … I'm sorry, did you say something, young man?
CASTER: … though in your defense, I admit my back-up didn't work out quite as advertised. That one's on me.
SABER: Damn, he finally noticed me.
ZERO CASTER: I noticed you right from the beginning my beloved... I needed only to choose the moment to bask in your glory...
SABER: Please don't.
ZERO CASTER: Come, let the kiss of night envelop and corrupt your purity...
SABER: I miss Gilgamesh.
[GILGAMESH enters.]
GILGAMESH: So this is where you went!
SABER: Son of a...
SHIROU: You guys, the horses aren't supposed to talk.
SABER: Shirou, you are really not helping.
SHIROU: No, I am, actually. [To GILGAMESH] First, you. You haven't gotten a single line correct the entire play. Please stop it, you're being a poor actor.
GILGAMESH: Hold, boy. Acting? I am to be the star of a stage performance?
SHIROU: … … … you hadn't noticed? You're in a play right now. You're playing am mouse. Er, well, the mice have been turned into horses to pull the coach, but...
GILGAMESH: Heh, heh, heh... simple fool. The King is a Master of Drama. Behold, now, as I portray the Ultimate Horse, to the amazement of all. [Drops to ALL FOURS]. Neigh. Neigh. BOW BEFORE THE HORSE KING. Neigh.
SHIROU: …. … … right. [Turns to ZERO CASTER] As for you... first, you're not even in the script. Second, you're disrupting the cast. I'm going to have to ask you to leave the set.
ZERO CASTER: I would like to see you make me, brat.
SHIROU: … Fine. Then we'll have to work you into the play, won't we?
[SCENE: EINZBERN FOREST, covered in snow and mist. Oh, and WOLVES. Lots and lots of WOLVES. Did we mention those WOLVES? Because THIS FOREST has tons of WOLVES.]
CASTER ZERO: … … … … Oh dear. I didn't get a good part, I see.
WOLVES: [Howl]
[SCENE: The ROYAL PALACE]
SABER: [Stares at SHIROU in a NEW LIGHT]
SHIROU: … what? He wanted to be in the play.
RIN: Okay, wow. Um... everyone, don't piss off Emiya. [Forcibly removes her OGLING GAZE from SABER.]
ARCHER: In... any case... my prince...
RIN: Still not a guy.
ARCHER: We know not who this [Sound of choking, as if to STRANGLE LAUGHTER] fair damsel is. She... hee, hee, hee... was not on the invitation list. B-but... but... 'tis... 'tis only appropriate for... HAHAHA... for you to... to ask her for a dance! BWAHAHAHAHAHA!
RIN: I am not dancing with Tranny Shinji!
ARCHER: Script.
RIN: [Casts a NERVOUS GLANCE at SHIROU] Erm... well, maybe... just once. As long as I get to wear gloves.
[She DOES.]
RIN: Dammit.
[RIN and SHINJI step to the DANCE FLOOR for their WALTZ of ROMANCE/HATRED. Mostly HATRED.]
RIN: All right, ground rules, drag queen. If my body is a globe, your hands stay above the equator. And so help me God, for every piece of innuendo you throw out, I will crush one of your bones.
SHINJI: Ooooh, I knew you were interested in boning me, T-
RIN: [Eyes GLOWING] That is one. Immediately after the play, I will take your right index finger in my hand and I will snap it. I am dead serious. Would you like to continue?
SHINJI: … we should just dance now.
RIN: Congratulations. You are exactly one broken bone away from basic self-preservation skills.
SHIROU: Oooh, I knew that!
KIREI: And so, the handsome Prince Rin and the beautiful and mysterious Lady Shinji...
SHINJI: I hate you and everything about you.
RIN: This is the first time I have ever thought Shinji was right about anything.
KIREI: … began their dance. It was a thing of elegance and beauty, a waltz for the ages.
SHINJI: Gaaaaaaaah! [SHINJI trips over the hem of his GOWN and accidentally slams his FOREHEAD into RIN'S FACE.]
KIREI: Or it would have been, if anyone had considered that Shinji probably can't dance in men's clothing, and so a dress and glass shoes are not going to work out well.
RIN: [Wiping BLOOD from her NOSE] You slimy little...!
SHINJI: I-it was an accident! I don't know how to dance in a dress, and...!
RIN: [PUNCHES Shinji in the FACE.]
[SHINJI is sent sprawling across the DANCE FLOOR.]
SHIROU: I'm... um. So... glad that our... beloved Shinji has... found true love?
ARCHER: HAHAHAHAHAHA...
SHIROU: You know, every time I start to think you're a good person, you just have to remind me I grow up to be a dick.
SHINJI: [Wiping the BLOOD from his FACE]. The Hell? I just tripped!
RIN: It felt deliberate on my face, you weasel!
SAKURA: Oh dear... nii-san, nee-san, don't fight, pl-
RIN: [Grabs SAKURA and begins to WALTZ]
SAKURA: [Rolls eyes] I knew thiswas coming eventually.
THE CAST: … … … …
SHINJI: Is this... is this hot, or weird?
[It is KIND OF BOTH.]
RIN: She's also a better dancer than you.
SHINJI: Hey!
[She IS.]
SHINJI: God, the stage directions have turned into a real ass this Act.
KIREI: As... Prince Rin danced with the Wicked Stepsister after punching Cinderella, and the other Wicked Stepsister was being methodically stalked by a mouse-turned horse, and the Horse King was trying to convince the partygoers to kneel before him and... and... wow. Just wow. I think this play has gotten to the point I can't even laugh at it anymore. My sense of humor has burned out.
ILYA: [Tugs on KIREI'S sleeve.]
KIREI: Hmmm? I thought you got kicked out.
ILYA: [Hands KIREI a REVISED SCRIPT, silently, and exits.]
KIREI: [Glances at the SCRIPT.] ... ... Actually, I might have a few chuckles left in me.
Intermission
