A/N: FYI, the title of this fic is kind of a parody of Shinsetsu Bobobo.
Shinsetsu is "True Theory" in English
Kyokusetsu is "False Theory" in English
See whut I did thar?
Where we last left off, our heroes were going head-to-head with Yukihedo, #5 of the Big 5...
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"...Got any 3s?" Bobobo asked his two partners, Don Patch and Jelly Jiggler.
Jelly Jiggler shook his head, and Don Patch slammed a '5' card onto the ground.
"HA! GO FISH...BITCH!" He snarled triumphantly. Bobobo then smacked him away with his nosehairs and continued to play like nothing happened.
Jelly Jiggler shook his head, chuckled, and said, "You kids are so funny."
'THESE GUYS DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY THE GAME AT ALL!' Yukihedo realized in both horror and disgust.
Suddenly furious, Bobobo tossed the cards into the air and exclaimed, "GWAH! FORGET THIS! WE GOT AN ENEMY TO FIGHT! WE GOTTA HURRY AND SAVE BEAUTY BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!"
"Yeah! So what do we do, Bobobo?" Don Patch asked.
"Let's see what equipment we have!" Bobobo shouted, and he pulled out a large blue duffel bag.
Both bewildered and amused by these strange opponents, the six jointed heads of Yukihedo watched in silence, wondering curiously what will happen next.
Searching through the bag, Don Patch said, "Well, we have a baseball, a plastic spoon, a fishcake, a butterfly net, a bag of potato chips...and a 700-Giga-Watt, Hyper-Fueled, Solar-Powered Particle Disintegration Laser Cannon."
"Hmm...give me the plastic spoon..." Bobobo demanded.
"So then, I'll use the baseball!" Don Patch proclaimed.
"YOU TWO ARE BOTH IDIOTS!" Jelly Jiggler snapped, "Neither of you picked the right weapon!"
'Ah! I see...so the blue jelly man is actually the only intelligent enemy here!' Yukihedo thought.
"Obviously, the butterfly net is the best!" Jelly Jiggler announced, waving said net wildly in the air.
'ALL THREE OF THEM ARE IDIOTS!' was the conclusion that Yukihedo soon came to.
"OKAY, THEN...LET'S GO!" Bobobo exclaimed, and he and his two candy-cohorts charged at the giant floating snake-head thing.
Just as Bobobo attempted to stab the plastic spoon into Yukihedo's face, the heads separated just in time and flew around the room, taunting their opponents. They were moving so fast it was near impossible to reach any of them.
"HA HA HA! NOW WHAT WILL YOU DO, FOOLS?" snickered one of the Yukihedo heads. Suddenly, he felt a pair of hands grab onto him...it was Don Patch!
"GAH! HOW DID HE GET ME?"
Without a word, Don Patch landed back onto the floor and began running across the room, bouncing the Yukihedo head on the floor like a basketball. Soon, the entire area had taken the form of a basketball court, and Don Patch was now wearing a #10 Jersey and an orange curly-haired wig.
Leaping high into the air, Tears began to flow from Don Patch's eyes as he held the ball (Yukihedo head) high up to perform a Slam Dunk.
'Haruko, I can do it...I can be a great basketball player...I can!' he thought happily.
Unfortunately for Don Patch, he had severly misjudged the location of the hoop, and he crashed into the backboard. Letting out a pained grunt, Don Patch collapsed onto the ground, and the Yukihedo head died. One down!
"AH! HE KILLED OUR BROTHER...BY PARODYING A FAMOUS BASKETBALL MANGA!" shrieked the other five heads.
"Don't you get it now?" Bobobo asked, "There's no way you can win, Yukihedo. Just give up."
"NO! I'LL NEVER GIVE UP!" roared Yukihedo, "SUPER FIST OF THE HEAD: FLAMES OF PERPLEXICA!"
All five heads opened their mouths wide and began firing fireballs everywhere, setting the entire room aflame. Bobobo let out a cry of pain as one fireball flew directly into his back, badly burning him. Everything was melting; the rug, the couch, the TV...even Jelly Jiggler.
"These are no ordinary flames! Whatever is set on fire by them will melt in exactly five minutes! Not even Exodia, The Forbidden One could stand up to this amazing power!"
"Then we'll just put the flames out!" Don Patch exclaimed, "Bobobo, use WaterGun!"
Don Patch turned and saw that Bobobo had been replaced with the fat Arabian man again.
"Yo," he hissed, "Ya got any rupees?"
"WHY THE HELL DOES THIS KEEP HAPPENING?"
Suddenly, the Arabian man opened his mouth and fired out a blast of water, incinerating all the flames in a matter of seconds.
"Wow," Don Patch noted, "That was...convenient."
"That's 5 rupees, punk." grunted the Arabian man, and Don Patch reluctantly handed over the money.
"Damn, we pimpin' now!" Jelly Jiggler exclaimed.
Now Yukihedo was really upset; since he was just a floating head, he could barely even use the 'Super Fist of The Head' as it is. These growing emotions of agony and fury brought back memories of his past as a bank accountant. People would always snicker at him and ask if he was getting 'A-head' in life. HE HATED THAT DAMN JOKE!
"STOP...PISSING...ME OFF!!" screamed Yukihedo furiously, and all five heads flew straight for Don Patch, ready to bite his face off.
Don Patch threw up his hands to protect himself, but then Bobobo jumped in front of him and shouted, "SUPER FIST OF THE NOSE HAIR: INSANITY BEAM...BREAK DOWN OR GET DOWN!"
Bobobo's afro flung open and a squirrel operating a ray gun fired off a wave of red psychic energy, completely disabling Yukihedo's flying abilities.
"NNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOO!!"
Screaming loudly, the poor floating head fell all the way down to the floor, defeated.
"Awesome job, Bobobo!" Don Patch and Jelly Jiggler exclaimed.
Bobobo scoffed and replied, "Meh, your mother could have done better..."
'WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH?!'
Suddenly, without warning, a man stepped out of the shadows and walked over towards the unconscious Yukihedo. The man had curly red hair and slanted eyes; he wore a light-blue business suit and clown shoes. A tattoo of the kanji for 'bicycle' was noticable on his left cheek. A dark and threatening aura seemed to flow off of his very being.
Once he had reached Yukihedo's position, he reached down, touched him with his pinky finger...and Yukihedo vanished within an instant.
The three members of the Bobobo Gang let out gasps of shock.
"AAAAAHHHHHH!!" Jelly Jiggler and Don Patch both screamed, and they jumped behind Bobobo for protection.
"What did you just do?" Bobobo snapped.
The man raised his head, and Bobobo realized his eyes had no irises.
"I made him disappear, of course. That's my power; Super Fist Of Banishment..."
"JUST...JUST WHO ARE YOU?"
"My name is Var. I am #2 of the Big 5." he replied, and a surge of foreboding fear passed over Don Patch and Jelly Jiggler, but Bobobo wasn't intimidated...at least not as much as the others.
'We're...we're going to have to fight someone as fittingly evil as this guy?' Don Patch thought, practically shaking at the sight of Var.
"#4 is taking care of your little farting friend," Var continued, "And the next floor houses #3 of the Big 5, who will no doubt kill all of you. If he doesn't, though, then I will..."
And with that, Var sank back into the darkness and disappeared.
"I'm not scared of that loser!" Bobobo exclaimed rather loudly.
Jelly Jiggler looked down. "There's a puddle of piss under your feet."
"WHATEVER! LET'S GO TO THE NEXT FLOOR!"
With no time to lose, Bobobo, Don Patch and Jelly Jiggler quickly rushed to the next floor...
After cleaning up the blood and patching Softon up, Gasser tried to carry the poop-headed man along as he thought of what to do now.
'We gotta save Beauty! But we have no idea where she is! Plus, Bobobo and the others are still fighting! What can we do?'
"Uh, Gasser...you don't need to drag me across the floor like this," Softon grunted, "It hurts...I can walk on my own..."
'Dammit! I'm so afraid she'll get hurt! Or worse! What can we do? What can I do? What can Colonel Sanders do?'
"Gasser, stop ignoring me! This is as bad as when you used me to build a wall for that house in Episode 21! Or was it Episode 22? I can't remember...but anyway!"
'Argh! I'm busy thinking on how to save Beauty, but Softon keeps talking to me! Why the hell won't he shut up?'
Suddenly, Gasser finally realized that no matter how far he walked, he wasn't getting anywhere. Plus, he was now surrounded by complete darkness...and Softon had suddenly vanished, as well.
"W...WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?" He cried.
Gasser's fear grew when he looked down...and saw he was standing knee-deep in a huge puddle of blood.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
"Feh! Shut up!"
Standing a few feet away, smirking confidently and holding a glass of red wine in his left fin, was the Alaskan Tuna from earlier.
"You! You're...you're that fish from before! What the hell are you doing here?" Gasser asked.
Chuckling, the fish tossed the glass of wine away and replied, "Why...I'm #4 of the Big 5, of course."
'DAMN IT! I ALWAYS KNEW THAT FISH WOULD BE MY IMMORTAL ENEMIES!' Gasser thought, cursing under his breath.
"Now, Gasser...fight me! If you wish for Softon to live, that is!" barked the fish, still sneering.
"ALRIGHT! HERE I COME...YOU GODDAMN SON OF A FISH!"
Reaching behind him, Gasser pulled out a ball of flatulence and threw it directly at Alaskan Tuna's face, only for the fish to easily dodge the attack by diving underwater.
"Ha ha ha!" the Alaskan Tuna's voice echoed throughout the room, "I can hide anywhere within this pool of blood! There is no way you can hit me, especially not with those stupid fart attacks of yours! Ha ha ha ha!"
'This fish truly is the Devil! What can I do?' Gasser wondered in growing despair.
Gasser tried to stay focused and aim for the fish's shadow under the water, but every attack was avoided with ease by this shockingly difficult foe.
'GAH! WHY DO I HAVE TO SUCK SO MUCH? THIS IS WHY I DON'T FIGHT ANYMORE IN THE ACTUAL SERIES!' Gasser mentally screamed, on the verge of admitting defeat.
Suddenly, a pair of long nose hairs flew in out of nowhere, dived down into the water, and pulled Alaskan Tuna out from the murky depths.
"What? What is this? Who dared pluck me like a Pikmin?" shouted the furious fish, flailing its fins about.
"MR. BOBOBO, YOU SAVED ME!" Gasser exclaimed in the direction that the nose hairs had come from, but then the shadows drew back and it was revealed to actually be an octopus with a human head and a long ducktail hairdo.
"I'M HERE TO SAVE YOU, GASSER!" exclaimed the octopus-man, and he leaped into the water, but ended up drowning because he never learned how to swim. Breaking out of the nose hairs' grip, Alaskan Tuna dived back down to beat up that freak who dared to have attacked him.
'Was...was that Captain Battleship?' Gasser thought.
After about a minute, the tip of a ducktail emerged from the water and began making its way towards Gasser, who couldn't have cared less. Then, the ducktail stopped at Gasser's feet and didn't move another inch. Wondering what was going on, Gasser reached down and pulled on the ducktail...
...and pulled up Yoshio Sawai.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!"
"Hey, how's it goin'?"
Furious that he had been tricked, Gasser tossed Yoshio Sawai back into the water and watched him drown.
Suddenly, all the water evaporated, and in the middle of the now-empty room was a dead Captain Battleship, and Alaskan Tuna was weeping over him.
'WHAT THE FUCKIN' HELL?!'
"Oh, why did he have to die?" Alaskan Tuna weeped, "He was so young! So young, I tell you!"
"He was in his late 40s." Gasser replied nonchalantly as he walked over to them.
"AS I SAID, HE WAS SO YOUNG! HE HAD A BOWL OF RAMEN HE WAS GOING TO EAT WHEN HE GOT HOME! WHO'S GOING TO EAT THAT RAMEN NOW? WHO?" Alaskan Tuna cried, and he sobbed heavily into the motionless Captain Battleship's chest.
Suddenly, Captain Battleship's eyes snapped open and he exclaimed, "SUPER FIST OF THE DUCKTAIL: YOU JUST GOT PWNED, BITCH!"
As if alive, the ducktail shot high into the sky and then flipped over and crashed down onto Alaskan Tuna's head at fast speeds, causing blood to squirt out of its mouth, eyes and nose.
Standing up, Captain Battleship brushed himself off, and then said, "I, Captain Battleship, will defeat you with my new fighting style: Super Fist Of The DuckTail!"
"Wow? You have your own true Super Fist style now?" Gasser exclaimed in amazement.
Captain Battleship nodded. "Yeah, me and the others all have a few new tricks we wanna show off..."
"...The others?"
"Yeah. I'm not the only person whose come here to help you save Beauty and destroy 0-Block Base!"
"...How did you guys find out about all of this, though?"
"Does it matter?"
"I guess not."
As Captain Battleship and Gasser were conversing, the Alaskan Tuna was going insane over the fact that someone had actually INJURED him.
'How dare they...playing with my emotions...beating me like I was some sort of rag doll...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...how dare they...HOW DARE THEY...HOW DARE...THEY...HOW...DARE...THEEEEEEEEEEYYYYYYYYYYY!!'
Its rage at its peak, Alaskan Tuna threw its head back and screamed as a huge surge of energy surrounded its body.
"OH NO! HE'S...HE'S TRANSFORMING!" Captain Battleship cried.
Sure enough, after a spectacle of flashing lights and DBZ sound effects, Alaskan Tuna had transformed...
...into an ogre.
"Hey," it squeaked in a high-pitched voice, "My name is Ralph! What's yours?"
"WWWHHHHHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAATTTTTT?!"
"Grr! Forget this! Let's just destroy it!" Gasser shouted, running at the ogre at full speed.
"No, Gasser!" Captain Battlership exclaimed, "Stop! You haven't switched to Geico yet!"
Gasser didn't listen; instead, he pulled out a huge ball of gas (one so big he had to use both hands to control it) and fired it at the ogre's face, screaming, "TASTE THE SMELL OF LUKE-WARM SHIT, YOU BASTARD!"
However, the ogre walked right through the smelly explosion, grabbed Gasser by the arm, and smacked him hard against the wall about three times. Each hit felt like a bomb going off against Gasser's back. He screamed in pain, but not even Captain Battleship could help him...because he was too busy reading a Black Cat graphic novel.
"G-Guuh..." Coughing up blood, Gasser's battered body fell to the floor.
Captain Battleship closed his book with a SNAP and said, "Alright, now I'm ready to fight...thanks for getting that nuisance out of the way, Ralph."
Ralph nodded. "No problem."
Still alive but barely, Gasser thought, 'Fuck you, Battleship...'
