Emmett's a Peach

Chapter 3

"Edward! I love you! I want to marry you... or Jacob."

A/N: This is set during Eclipse.

(Bella has entered.)

Bella: Anyone here?

(Edward has entered.)

Bella: Hi, Edward!

Edward: Hello, my sweet. Have a good night's rest?

Bella: Yes. (giggles)

Edward: What's making you laugh today, love?

Bella: Oh...

(Jacob has entered.)

Bella: ...him.

Jacob: Hi, Bella! =D

Bella: Oh, hi, Jacob.

Edward: Bella... am I dreaming, or did you give Jacob means to contact you through MSN Messenger?

Bella: Yes, Edward, is that such a problem?

Edward: If it's Jacob, yes.

Jacob: Wow, feeling high-and-mighty today, aren't we, Edward?

Bella: (facepalm) The things I put up with...

Jacob: See? She thinks you're nuts, Edward.

Edward: On the contrary, she thinks you're nuts, whereas I'm nice.

Jacob: Let's see... 105-year-old man screwing a 18-year-old girl... no.

Edward: No one's screwing anybody, at least I hope not.

Bella: Honestly, Edward, I wouldn't sink that low.

Jacob: Bella, did Edward do anything for you? Really? What has he done for you besides the physical aspect?

Bella: Jake, sweetie, I love you like a brother, but I just don't see us getting married. And, Edward, I am not your daughter, I am your girlfriend. This means I can see whomever I damn please.

Jacob: All right, awesome!

Edward: You know what happened to Emily.

Jacob: You know what happened to the 51 people Edward murdered, right?

Bella: (is beginning to get very impatient) Why are you two acting like children?!

Edward: Why, I'm not, but the pup is.

Jacob: I believe the leech is, sweetie.

Edward: Don't call her "sweetie"! She's my sweetie!

Jacob: Wow, possessive, much?

Edward: Bella, if you got into a relationship with Jacob, you'd realize how good you had it with me. Now, I understand it's your choice, but I'm just saying.

Jacob: This is the same man who almost killed her for her blood.

Edward: I'm a professional at dealing with her scent, pup.

Jacob: No. No, no, no. You see, I don't like bullshit. I especially don't like when people spout bullshit.

Edward: Then you must hate yourself, then.

Jacob: (rolls eyes) Just ignore him, Bella.

Edward: Ignore Jacob, love.

Bella: (grits teeth) If you keep this up, I'll leave.

Edward: Why don't you come over to my place?

Jacob: Why don't you come over to my place?

Edward: Remember the drinking game?

Jacob: That was Embry's idea! Anyway, he says he's very sorry, and he won't do it again. Come over to my place, Bella.

Edward: Don't you hang out with him six out of seven days?

Jacob: No, she divides her time between you and I. Come on, Edward! Don't you have a life outside of Bella?

Edward: No.

Jacob: There, you see?

Edward: But, you do! Which means she needs to spend more time with me!

Jacob: No, she needs to spend more time with me so she won't have a heart attack from an orgasm when you sparkle!

(Officer_Charlie_Swan has entered.)

Officer_Charlie_Swan: Is there a problem?

Jacob: Why, no, Officer Swan.

Edward: Yes, Jacob... he's a dear, really... is sexually harassing your daughter.

Jacob: YOU ASSHOLE! YOU DID NOT JUST RAT ME OUT! All right, two can play at that game! Edward could crush every bone in your daughter's body if he wanted to! AND HE'S FULLY CAPABLE OF IT!

Officer_Charlie_Swan: Are they always like this, Bells?

Bella: Frequently.

Officer_Charlie_Swan: Um, gentlemen. Bella's 18 now, and if you can't observe yourselves professionally, she has the power to kick you or ban you from MSN Messenger.

Jacob: ...shit.

Edward: Bella, you wouldn't do that, love?

Bella: I would if you push it.

Edward: Sorry.

Jacob: Sorry, Bella.

Bella: I think I've had enough attention for one day. Bye, guys.

(Bella has left.)

Officer_Charlie_Swan: Happy now, gentlemen? You made her leave.

Edward: Well, it was clearly Jacob's fault.

Jacob: Don't start, Edward.

(Jacob has left.)

Officer_Charlie_Swan: Anything else?

Edward: Just that you have a fine, beautiful young daughter, and that I'm going to ask for her hand in marriage. Thank you so much. Bye.

(Edward has left.)

Officer_Charlie_Swan: Well, that was awfully- WHAT?!

"What?!", indeed. Stay tuned for more chapters of "Emmett's a Peach", coming up soon! Suggestions for future chapters, and constructive criticism, are greatly appreciated!