Valkyrie can't sleep.

It's the middle of the night and she can't sleep. The girl is staring at the ceiling, at the dark, with eyes wide open waiting for the ghosts of the people she killed to make an appearance. To come out of the shadows as beings of light and torture her to death.

The girl turns to her side letting a leg fall over the side of the bed. She keeps replaying the conversation with her mum. Regretting having said that she killed someone important to her, her mum could figure out easily that she killed Alice.

She still remembers her sister's eyes, a bright brown that had turned into a dull brown in seconds as she killed her sister, how life had escaped her body for a few moments. That terrifying moment when the artefact hadn't worked and she thought that her little sister, the person she was supposed to protect, was not coming back. She dreams about it every time she closes her eyes. She still can hear her sister screaming and crying as she died. She still can hear all the people she killed screaming in pain and begging for mercy.

There's so much she wants to tell to all the people that are now dead. That she's sorry. That she's so, so sorry, and would have taken their place if she only could. That the thought of children growing up without their family members makes her sick. That the thought of the people that lost the love of their lives makes her scream at night. That it's not fair that she got to have her sister back and everyone else was just left crying when their loved ones went to help people. That they died for being in the wrong place at the wrong time.

That none of this is fair.

And she's sorry.

So sorry. It almost rips her apart. Sometimes she can't stomach the thought of ever facing anyone again. With a whimper, she rakes her fingernails over her thighs, leaving angry red marks over her pale skin. Fresh tears spill onto her cheeks.

Valkyrie stares at the window and it's so dark outside she can't see anything and she wishes she were the one who was dead.

That would have been better. Sure, Skulduggery would have been sad, her mum and her dad would mourn her, her sister wouldn't know who she is, but it would have been her own damn fault. It would have made sense. It would have been fair, the girl thinks hazily.

She gets out bed. She needs a drink, she needs something to drown out the pain until the morning. Until the light comes out and she gets to be busy.

She takes the car and drives to her favourite bar in the bad part of Roarhaven. The booze is better there, the people too. Most of them probably hate her and that means there are chances of getting her ass kicked.

She takes a seat by the bar and orders a drink.

The bartender, Nat, smiles when she sees that it's her and goes to make her the drink with a nod.

She's pretty Valkyrie thinks to herself. Pink long hair at the top that has been made into a mohawk and sides shaved. She's wearing a black trench coat, heavy boots, white jeans with lots of holes in it.

The girl decides she likes that the most. Looks good on her.

By now, Nat knows what her favourite poison is. They have become friends too, kind of, Valkyrie doesn't actually know, they just drink sometimes and chat about anything and everything. She must come to the bar at least twice a week. Most of the time she ends up fighting someone but Nat doesn't care. Says that she wants to be just like her someday and is fascinated by watching her fight. The girl doesn't think that she fights too good being drunk. Mostly it's just her getting a beating and she bracing for it, ready to feel pain.

"Here you go," Nat says putting a piece of paper in the bar and then the drink over it.

"Thanks," Valkyries smiles at her and takes a sip. The drink's strong. Just as she likes.

Nat folds her arms and leans in the counter behind her, "Are you ever going to teach me how to fight?" she asks with hopeful eyes.

"Nah," she laughs and takes another sip. "You don't want to have this life, believe me."

"It's probably better than this," the girl shrugs while looking around and goes to put another drink to an old lady.

Valkyrie continues to drink.

She can already hear whispers of Darquesse being mentioned. Whispers saying she killed people. They're looking at her. Some out of the corner of their eyes, others, most of them already wasted, do a blunt double-take.

"Wanna play a game? My brother can take over, it's not that busy."

It's 2 am on a tuesday night, of course it's not busy.

Valkyrie looks up and considers Nat's offer. It could be more fun that drinking to numbness on her own.

"Sure" she nods.

"Give me a second to get a drink," Nat smiles.

The girl pours herself some vodka with coke and then goes around the counter while Valkyrie gets up. She follows her to a table on one corner of the bar. It's kind of secluded there, people can still see her but they would have to be blatant about it.

"Okay. Here's how it goes; I ask you a question and you have to tell the truth. If you don't want to answer it, I get to drink. Truth or dare."

Valkyrie narrows her eyes.

Nat rolls her eyes, "Okay, that's not really how it goes, normally you have to do some stupid dare, but we can't really do that now, so… we'll play it like this, okay? If you answer, I don't get to drink. If you don't, I get another sip."

"Doesn't sound like much of a game."

"It'll be fun!" Nat says in a perky tone of voice that makes Valkyrie narrow her eyes again.

"What's in it for me?"

"If I don't want to answer, you get to drink. One sip versus one sip. That's fair, right?"

Valkyrie scoffs and brings her drink to her lips to take a sip, "I could just do it. Don't need your permission." she grins at her.

Nat looks back at her with a playful smile on her lips, "You are not going to leave this place until the sun comes out and me either so we are stuck here. Play the game. My brother won't care if I get wasted, I can take a night off."

It's not a game, she knows. It's just an easy way of learning a couple of secrets. She doens't want to play it because there are just too many things she doesn't want her to know about her, she knows about Darquesse of course, there's probably no one who doesn't know about it, but that's one of the only things Nat knows about her. Whenever they talk they end up talking about stupid things and making fun of the clients in the bar.

But she can't help but be curious about some things as well. It's a dangerous game, she thinks as she watches how Nat's fingers trace her lips.

"Fine," she gives in. She leans back against the chair, draws one of her knees up to rest her right wrist on it. The drink is in her left hand, half of it drank already, cold glass pressed into her sweaty palm.

"I'll start," Nat says eagerly, her whole face lighting up with a smile. "It was my idea," she argues when Valkyrie scowls at her. "Okay," she thinks for a moment. "Which do you like better, rum or vodka?"

Valkyrie blinks.

Nat snorts, hiding her laugh behind her glass of vodka. "It's just a warm-up girl! Calm down!"

"Vodka" Valkyrie answers with a cocky grin.

The other girl narrows her eyes.

"Okay! Now you go."

"I don't know" Valkyrie mutters. She looks around the bar for something that will catch her attention. There's a man sitting in the other corner with some friends. The friends are laughing hard at something but the man just stares at her with an angry look on his face, not paying attention to anything else.

Looks like she has already found someone who will give her a punch before she leaves.

"Just say the first thing that comes into your head."

Valkyrie looks back at her "What's your favorite drink to serve?"

Now it's the other girl's turn to blink. "Oh," she recovers quickly and smiles, "Soco amaretto lime, there's a boy who always orders that because of the song. I tried it and it's so good" she smiles widely while closing her eyes.

"What song?" Valkyrie asks frowning.

"Is that your question?' the girl asks when she open her eyes to looks at her with a grin.

"Yeah," she nods, her hair falling in front of her eyes.

"It's from Brand New, it's called Soco Amaretto Lime too. Good song too," the girl nods.

She knows the band, she listens to them sometimes.

"You listen to that kind of music?" she asks intrigued, because that music is kind of sad and she always looks so happy.

"Yeah," Nat says easily. The cheerfulness hasn't faded from her tone. "Love the lyrics of that band," she plays with the holes on her jeans for a long time before she looks up again. "So you are a badass good looking girl, trained by the legendary Skulduggery Pleasant himself, saved the world nearly a dozen times, friends with the most powerful mages in Ireland. Valkyrie Cain," she leans forward with a cheeky grin on her face as Valkyrie frowns at her, "Have you ever kissed a girl?"

Her eyes widen and heat races up her spine, curling around her shoulders, up her neck and to her cheeks. "What's all that shit got to do with that?" she growls.

"Nothing much," Nat laughs, "just wanted to see you blush, the almighty Valkyrie Cain blushing. So? Have you? Or can I take a shot now? Finally?"

She scowls at her boots. "No."

"What, I can't take a shot or…"

"I haven't kissed a girl, all right?" she says, looking anywhere but at the girl in front of her. "My turn, do you play an instrument?" As soon as the question leaves her lips, she's angry at herself. She'd just wanted the attention to be drawn away from her but with only the two of them, it won't take Nat very long to turn the table again with such an easy question to answer.

"Drums," she says quickly, "my turn. You ever thought about kissing a girl?"

"Fuck off,"

"You're not answering the question," Nat says cheerfully as she raises the glass to her lips.

"Fine," Valkyrie snarls before she can take a sip. "Yeah. I... I thought about it. Now stop it with the bullshit questions, okay? That is not fair."

"Why not? You can ask me stuff like that, too."

Valkyrie looks away from her, heat racing inside her again.

Nat giggles, "You should let me take a shot and stop spilling all your secrets. Go on. Ask me something you do want to know then."

Valkyrie looks down at her drink, fingers tracing the rim of the glass. She scrunches up her nose, rubs at it with the back of her left hand and then peeks at the girl. "What's your favorite memory of your mum?"

Nat goes still. The drink ripples inside the glass as her fingers start to shake a little bit. She opens her mouth, closes it again and blinks back some tears.

Valkyrie watches and she knows she just fucked up. She digs her fingernails into the palm of her hand as a punishment. "Sorry," she mutters, "you don't have to answer that, I-"

"No, no," Nat says quickly, wiping at her cheeks even though no tears have spilled. A watery smile appears in her face. She plucks at the holes in her jeans again, thinking about it, and then shrugs. "I'm sorry, she died a couple years ago. I- I just don't know. Normal things. Like," she smiles, "that she'd always be there when we got out of school when we were younger? Me and my brother. We went to a mortal school. She'd be waiting for us at the kitchen table with a cup of tea. She'd listen when we would tell her how our day went, we were in different classes so the story was always different, and then we would practice some magic. Things like that. Normal things."

Valkyrie ducks her head and nods.

"Do you miss someone who died?" Nat asks quietly.

"Drink up."

Her head snaps up, eyes wide. "You don't want to answer that?'

"No, I don't. Drink," she says nooding at her untouched drink.

Nat narrows her eyes a bit but takes a sip.

She misses Gordon the most, Ghastly too of course. Kensplecke, Solomon, Finbar. Ravel.

She misses a million things about her uncle. The way he would always let her sit by his side, the way he smelled, the way he would laugh, how he would wink just at her from across the room when he'd be talking with someone who annoyed him, the horror stories he used to tell her before going to sleep whenever she would stay at his house, the way he was with her when she'd get mad at something and he would calm her down by giving her a hug and then letting her explain herself.

He misses Ghastly because he was always there, no matter how busy, he would always make time for her and give her advice on anything she needed. Just like Gordon would have. He would never let her blame herself whenever she ended up killing a bad person.

Kensplecke, always complaining about her fighting with other people but always fixing her no matter what. Always letting her know he cared about her.

Solomon, always encouraging her, saying that she could do anything she put her mind on.

Finbar, always with a joke on his lips, making her laugh even when everything was falling apart.

She misses even Ravel, the way he used to put a warm hand on the back of her neck, the stories he used to tell about Skulduggery, how Ghastly would join him until they left Skulduggery an embarrased mess.

"It's your turn," Nat reminds her pulling her back from her thoughts.

"Why do you want to be like me? I've killed people."

It's a cruel question but she doesn't care. She watches how she flinches.

"Go ahead and get wasted," Nat says, the smile gone from her face and eyes.

Valkyrie takes a sip, enjoying how the alcohol burns her throat, the way it makes her feel a little more numb in the head. She looks around the room once more. They guy is still watching her but making an attempt to join the conversation with his friends. She lifts the drink to her lips again but Nat stops her. "One sip versus one sip, Val."

"It's gonna get warm," she says because the ice is still there but shrinking in size as the minutes pass.

Nat shrugs. She looks her dead in the eyes. "How did you become Darquesse?"

She stares back.

"By being stupid," Valkyrie answers. A small smirk teases her lips up. The question doesn't hurt as much as she thought it would. "Did I kill your mum?"

"Yes," her hands shake again. She looks more angry than hurt. 'How many people did you kill?"

Valkyrie grinds her teeth together, anger flaring in her chest and eyes glowing with her magic. "Don't know, didn't keep count."

"So, that many, uh?"

"Fuck off."

"You started it." she glares at Valkyrie now. "You are being a jackass."

"Been doing a lot of that lately, it's a stupid game," she mutters when she lifts the drink to his lips again to take another sip. She looks around the room, there's another person looking at her now. An old lady.

"Because you are afraid of talking about it?"

"I'm not afraid of nothing."

"You are," Nat voice goes quiet but she keeps on going. "I remember this time you were so wasted and someone had knocked you down to the floor, you were muttering things. Things like how sorry you were, begging the girl to keep hitting you. I had to call the Sanctuary and Skulduggery himself came for you, I had to calm him down too, saying that the person who kicked your ass had went home and that I didn't know them."

"Shut up."

"You talked about a child too," she continues, almost whispering. "That you loved them but you still killed them. You were almost crying, whimpering in the floor."

Valkyrie stares at the girl. She can't even see her past her rage. She's still talking but she isn't hearing anymore. In a fit of rage, she loses control of her magic for a second and the drink in her hand boils before jumping to her feet. The girl flinches but she storms past her, heading to the bathroom, magic flicking all over her.

She sees herself in the mirror for a moment.

She stalks closer to it and starts hitting it, over and over and over until she can't see anything anymore but blood. Sweat is running down her back now. There's glass everywhere. On the ground, on her jeans, her hands.

Nat must have followed her because the door is closed behind her. One hand clasped over her mouth and with horror in her eyes. Tears are rolling down her cheeks.

"Why are you crying? she yells at her, still so angry. "You wanted to be just like me!" she says before stalking over to her. "What the fuck do you know about anything, huh? Want to know about Darquesse? Yeah, I fucking killed people and it was all my goddamn fault!" She jabs a finger into her face, "You wanna now why I was fucking crying? Because I liked feeling powerful, feeling like no one could beat me. I thought I could control Darquesse, I thought Skulduggery could get me back if I went too far. I could have prevented everything! I knew what was going to happen. Been knowing it for a long time. But you wanna know what I did? I chose me, I chose to not leave this world. I chose to kill my sister. I chose to kill every single person,"

Nat looks up back at her. "It's still not your fault!"

"They're dead!" Valkyrie screams. "I could have stopped it!"

"You don't know that! Knowing the future doesn't mean you could have changed it,"

"I enjoyed it" Valkyrie whispers.

"Val, just stop, okay?"

"No!" she takes a stumbling step backwards. "Maybe it would have changed everything. Maybe everyone would be alive. But I didn't give up, that's on me."

"Val…" Nat reaches out to her.

She takes another step back, back pressing against the cold tiles now. "No," she looks at her booted feet. Shoulder curling in, eyes filling with tears. Her voice breaks on the next words. "And your mum… She could be alive now, she should be alive now…"

Nat takes a quick step towards her, grabs her arm and yanks her to her chest. She wraps her arms around her, holding her close. Her nose in her dark hair, breathing her in as she hugs her tightly.

Valkyrie leans into her. Rests her forehead on her collarbone and just stands there.

Her shoulders shake when she starts to cry.

"I'm sorry,"

They are sitting on the bathroom floor. Door closed so no one can come in.

"It's fine," Nat says while glancing at her.

She snorts, "No. It's not." The floor is full of broken glass. Her hand too. She likes how the cuts burns, how whenever she moves it pain flashes all over her hand up to her arm. "I- I'll pay for the mirror."

"Okay," Nat whispers and gets to her feet only to crouch down in front of her. Making Valkyrie look at her, "You know, if you had left this world, you wouldn't have saved it from other things. The world would have ended thanks to Melancholia, or Lord Vile, or the Remnants, or that time when mortals got magic. They were a big threat too. But you and Skulduggery saved us. If you had given up, more people would have died. It's not your fault that you had Darquesse inside of you."

She greets her teeth. It actually makes sense, but she still killed all that people. The pain of killing them is still there and it will never go away. "Skulduggery could have saved it on his own."

"Okay," she nods, "Maybe, yeah, but what if someone had gone after you? What if Darquesse still would have happened? You can't stop the future from happening. It will always find a way."

"Then why does it hurt? I still killed people." tears are threatening to fall from her eyes again. She rubs her eyes forcefully. She won't cry no more.

"You did yeah, and that is still a horrible thing. You are going to have to live with that. I'm only saying that maybe the whole world could have died and maybe you killing only two thousand was better," she gets up, "I'm gonna get the first aid kit." she says before she leaves.

"Better?" she whispers to the empty room. Head coming to rest on the wall beside her.

Valkyrie remembers stories of wars, spread out over states and countries and continents. Over days and weeks and years. She wonders how anyone survived those wars. And she doesn't mean the simple answers, doesn't mean the simple fact that those people hadn't been shot, stabbed, bombed, gassed, burned, hung, gutted, starved or whatever other cruel way of slow torture and death another human being had come up with. She knows how surviving works. It means not dying and time passing, but she doesn't understand how someone could stomach that after going through a war. After killing innocent people.

Time passing.

And not dying.

Living through it all, for however long your heart keeps beating.

It's the slowest and most painful ways of torture she's experienced yet.

How can she forget the faces of the people she killed? The faces of the people that she killed while she wasn't in control and the face of the person she killed while being in control?

And now she is supposed to accept that she saved the world? Was this what Skulduggery was trying to say? They saved the world? They failed but they still saved the world?

The door opens, pulling her out of her thoughts. Nat walks into the room with a first aid kit. She comes closer to her and reaches out a hand to lift Valkyrie up to her feet.

The girl follows her quietly to the sink. Nat turns on the water and brings her hand under the warm liquid.

She hisses as soon as it touches her skin but Nat forces it to stay under the stream.

"You are going to go home now after I fix you okay?" she lectures.

The girl nods, watching her blood going down the drain.

"Good," she turns off the tap when the water stops turning red and sets her hand on the edge of the sink. "Stay still. This is going to hurt," she warns as she takes out some tweezers from the bag.

"Do your worse," Valkyrie mutters, she doesn't care about physical pain, not anymore.

Nat nods as she begins to take out the embedded glass on her knuckles.

"What did you mean when you said that it was better that two thousand people died?" she frowns at her after a few moments of silence between them, she still can't understand how killing people is better than anything.

Nat stops to look at her, "Isn't it better two thousand than the rest of the world?" she goes back to picking out glass.

"No. It is better when no one dies." she scowls looking down.

She blinks and stops again for a moment, "Of course," she stays silence before looking up at her, "I- I didn't mean that people dying were a good thing, sorry."

"What did you mean then?"

She passes a hand throught her hair. "Look, people died, that is obviously bad. My own mum died for fuck's sake," she laughs nerviously for a moment. "I'm just saying that if you can choose to kill one person instead of nine, wouldn't you choose to kill only one?"

"I'm no god to choose who dies or who doesn't"

"That's not what I asked," she looks down and takes another piece of glass making Valkyrie hiss.

"I guess," she looks away, "But I still didn't know that after Darquesse came out someone would be able to stop her,"

"She's gone. You guys won, that doesn't matter now." she takes a deep breath. "Look, people died, that's fucked up. You regret it, you are hurting, of course it fucking hurts. But you tried your best. Blame yourself all that you want, it's still going to haunt yeah, because we carry what we cause, but in the end, it's not your goddamn fault. Like I said, the future finds its way of becoming true no matter what." Nat touches her cheek to make her look at her, "I forgive you, okay?"

"I killed your mum, how can you forgive me?" a tear falls from her eye and Nat wipes it away.

She gives her a small smile, "The future always finds a way, you can't fight destiny,"

"I can try," Valkyrie gives a watery smile back at her.

"Yeah, you can try. Doesn't mean you are going to win."