Change
It's crazy what a day can change.
That is a statement that can sum up the entirety of Jess Shepard's life. The day she was arrested and taken to Anderson. The day she enlisted. The night she met Kaidan. Torfan. Eden Prime. Spectre status. Now, Virmire.
Her room was dark and it was the only comfort she allowed herself. She could hide in the shadows, like she had most of her life. Whether she was hiding from the bigger kids in the Reds, or hiding from the cops on Earth, or from the media during her career in the Alliance, she'd spent most of her life hiding. She was good at it.
She'd already spoken with Ashley's mom. She'd never met the woman, but she knew Ms. Williams would never forget her face. She would never forget the sound of her voice or the words she used to tell her that her eldest child was dead. Ashley was never coming home. Ashley's sisters would never laugh with her again. Ashley would never come to their rescue, she would never hold them, comfort them, and make them feel safe. Her big sister lessons were done, and cut short.
Jess cringed when she considered how cold she'd been while talking to Ashley's mom. If Ashley had been here, Jess was sure the young Chief would have had choice words for the way she had broken the news to her mother. She just wasn't sure how to do it. How was she supposed to say how sorry she was that Ashley had died without sounding like it was her fault? How was she supposed to apologize for the untimely death of a friend without taking the blame? How was she supposed to talk to the woman who'd raised Ashley and not lose control?
It wasn't supposed to be like this. She wasn't supposed to be this affected by the loss of a subordinate. A grunt. She had to be honest with herself. She was at fault. Ashley was dead and it was because of Shepard. Because she was too attached. She was compromised.
The door to her quarters sighed open and the light cast the intruder in shadow. She didn't need light to know who had entered her space. She knew the shape of his shoulders, the scent of the air around him, the pulse of his biotics, the sound of his boots on the floor. She knew him, and she would know him anywhere.
"Jess?" he spoke her name softly as he stepped further into the room.
"You shouldn't be here," she answered, surprised by the gruff emotion rattling in her voice.
"I wanted to check on you. I can't imagine what you're going through," he explained taking no further steps closer, but not leaving either. Irritation raged in her gut.
"No, you shouldn't have been here at all. Today, on Virmire, you shouldn't have been there." She was still speaking quietly, but there was no mistaking the pure fury in her voice. Kaidan took a step back. Now that the door had closed behind him, she could barely make him out, but she could tell he was responding to her tone. "You were supposed to be gone. You were supposed to transfer to a different assignment. You were supposed to be so far away from all of this. You weren't supposed to be there, arming nukes and taking gunfire." She stood, stepping closer to him. Her hands fisted at her sides. As she grew closer, she could see him. His stance firm, strong, arms crossed over his chest as he stared at her. "You were supposed to be somewhere safe."
"You have no way of knowing where I would be if I had been transferred. We decided to continue serving together. We decided we could handle whatever happened. Today… shit, today went FUBAR before we landed. We were sent to a hotzone with no info. We were screwed regardless and my being there had nothing to do with it!"
"I could have saved her if I didn't have to save you," she poked a finger to his chest. She gasped when his rough, calloused hand closed over hers, stopping her from pulling back.
"Who would you have left in her place?" he challenged her thinking and she tried to pry her hand from his to no avail. "Who?" he asked again, pulling her hand down to their sides and forcing her closer to him. "Someone had to stay behind with the nuke, Jess. Who would you have left? Wrex? Garrus? Liara? Tali? If not me, and not Ashley, who?"
She tried. She tried with everything in her, but she couldn't choke down the sob as it rose hot and hard in her throat. She felt her features crumble and she leaned forward as she finally broke. Her forehead resting on the firm wall of Kaidan's chest. He wrapped his arms around her as she gripped his shirt, weeping. He held her while she cried, while she mourned the loss of a friend.
She wasn't sure how much time went by before she slid her hands up his front. He loosened his hold on her to allow her to cup his jaw. The stubble on his cheeks tickled her finger tips and her waterlogged face tilted to look at him and he let his forehead rest on hers. "You're okay," she whispered, it was a question and it wasn't. It was her allowing herself to realize that he had survived, that he was okay, and that fact was all she – Jess, not Commander Shepard – cared about in this moment.
"Yeah," he answered simply, and she slid her hands to the back of his head, her fingers accidently brushing over his amp port as they carded his hair. Her lips pressed to his in an insistent kiss. He gasped, angling his head and allowing her to deepen the kiss. Her tongue met his in a needy, aching way. His hands caressed her back and rear in long, firm strokes. Untucking her shirt as he did.
With their agreement to serve together and pause their relationship came the understanding that this moment would have to wait. Declarations of love, and being intimate were aspects they were going to have to wait for and they had accepted that reality.
Now that the dam had broken, there was no stopping it. The shedding of clothing took precedence over everything else. Nothing was more important, in this moment, then being pressed together skin to skin. To feel that they had both made it. To feel the life within each other, to feel connected, to know that they had both made mistakes this day. They had both made mistakes and people died, and that was something they would have to live with but they would. They would live.
They found her bed in the darkness of the room, and she welcomed his weight on top of her. With his lips on her neck and their legs tangled together, he paused, brushing hair from her face. His gaze met hers, and she felt the tears filling her eyes again. She moved to kiss him, to ignore the emotion and move back to the physical but he pulled away so she missed. She sighed, dropping her head back to her pillow.
"Jess," he spoke her name softly. She turned to face him again. She watched as his eyes flickered, his gaze moving over her face. Her face softened when she noticed the emotion in his eyes. She saw his grief, his fear, his pain and she reached up to let her fingers skim over his brow. He closed his eyes and leaned into her touch. He turned his head and kissed her palm, opening his eyes and meeting her gaze.
"Make love to me, Kaidan," she spoke the words softly, and watched as his face broke, crumbled, really. He slipped inside her, and her body arched to accept him. She gripped his shoulders as her head dug into the pillows, gasping as he filled her. She lifted her legs, wrapping them over his hips as he rocked into her.
It was too much. They had waited too long. Since that first night, how many years ago, when they were young and hopeful, they had waited. In this moment, Jess knew. She knew that she would spend the rest of her life loving this man. Nothing would come between them, she wouldn't let it. She clung to him, trembling, as he brought her higher and higher. She felt it, starting low in her stomach, a coil set to snap. She gasped as she neared her peak. The feel of him, so deep, so intense, it was enough to drive her mad and make her want to stay there.
Then, he flared. His body lit blue almost blinding her – like staring into the sun. He was beautiful, and she felt the tears hot on her cheeks as he trembled above her, emptying himself. The energy coursing through him caused a pleasant hum to fill her and push her over the edge with him. She bit her lip to keep from calling out. His mouth found hers and he kissed her deeply, thoroughly. Stopping her from catching her breath as their tongues tangled.
Eventually, his light dimmed and their breathing calmed as their hearts returned to normal. He rolled to his side, pulling her with him and holding her against his chest. She followed, allowing herself to be held and comforted as she returned to the room. She had never felt like this before. She had never experienced anything like that and she knew it was more than the biotics.
His hand slipped through her damp, golden hair as her head rested on his chest. The coarse hair there tickling her cheek. She sighed. There was so much she wanted to say, but words just seemed insufficient. He pressed a kiss to her forehead and reached for the blanket they had kicked to the floor at some point. He tucked it around them, and continued to hold her.
They must have fallen asleep.
When she opened her eyes he was trying to slip from the bed without waking her. "Where?" she whispered one word, and he turned to look at her. She could see his answer in his eyes. They had to remain professional. She was his CO. They couldn't be found like this. There would be consequences. She shook her head, rolling to her back and scrubbing her hands over her face.
She felt him stand, his weight lost from the bed and making her feel empty. She knew, she knew he would stay if he could. They both knew he couldn't.
She heard him rustling around the room. Gathering his things. Dressing. After a moment, she felt the bed dip on the side of the bed closest to her and she opened her eyes. He was kneeling at her bedside, leaning on his arms. He leaned forward and kissed her. He meant to keep it short, but she wouldn't let him. She reached out and cupped the back of his head, her fingers in his hair, she kissed him. She kissed him like it was the first time and the last time.
After a long moment, a moment so long she could see the war between staying and going as it raged in his eyes, she pulled away. She pressed a kiss to his forehead, and a sad smile tugged at his lips.
"I hate this," she mumbled at the same moment he whispered, "I love you."
"I would stay if I could," he promised, the back of his hand caressing her cheek and trailing down her neck.
"I know," she answered with a nod, licking her lips, she met his gaze. "I love you, too." He grinned and she chuckled softly, "I've never said that before."
"I know," he replied, kissing her quickly and soundly, before disentangling them and standing. His trademark steel will pulled him away from her. She watched him go, the door sighing behind him before she turned, pulling the pillow he'd used to her naked chest and burying her face in his scent.
She loved him, and that terrified her.
