After the Storm
Chapter 3
You've Got to Hide Your Love Away
What? Two updates in one week? Either hell has frozen over or someone is currently on winter break. ; )
Thanks again for all of your support and encouragement. It is greatly appreciated.
This chapter is dedicated to one of my very favorite bands, The Beatles. In my humble opinion, their song "You've Got to Hide Your Love Away" is the perfect theme song for Eli post car crash. If you haven't heard this song, drop everything you're doing and listen to it. You won't be sorry.
I do not own Degrassi. I also do not own Ozzfest or the amazingly brutal movie Apocalypse Now.
…
Eli distractedly flipped through the channels on the hospital television set, barely paying attention to the daytime talk programs and game shows that flashed across the screen in all of their exaggerated, multicolored glory. He was bored out of his freaking skull.
After a fitful night of sleep in the cramped, hospital bed, Eli had woken up to a full panel of humiliating tests and a serious powwow with both his psychiatrist and Dr. Chang. In light of Eli's severe reaction to his previous medication, both doctors thought it wise to start Eli on a low dosage of a new mood stabilizer coupled with a fairly mild anti-anxiety medication. They were being cautious and keeping Eli under observation for the rest of the day. If he passed their scrutiny, he could go home that night. However, school was out of the equation, at least, for a couple of days. As Dr. Roberts authoritatively told CeCe, Eli's stress level must be kept as low as possible this next week.
Following her own neurotic interpretation of Dr. Roberts' instructions, CeCe had firmly attached herself to Eli's hip. She had stayed with Eli all night, uncomfortably sharing his tiny hospital bed; and she had been with him all that morning, waiting on him hand and foot and attending to his every need. When Eli had to physically stop her from following him into the bathroom, he knew that he had to come up with a plan to get CeCe out of his hospital room, at least, temporarily.
Bullfrog had been no help. Surrendering good naturedly, Bullfrog had left to go to work when it became clear he was completely superfluous to CeCe's "De-stress Eli" plan. Sensing the opportunity, Eli had tried to convince his mother to go too, but she had only embraced him fiercely in response. In fact, it was only after Eli had tried to choke down a portion of the gray, gelatinous substance the hospital called food - gagging in desperation - that CeCe had finally left him alone, rushing out to pick up a sandwich and a cup of soup from his favorite deli. Amazingly, Eli had convinced her to go home for a shower and a change of clothes as well, assuring her that he would just nap and watch TV in her absence.
Unfortunately, daytime TV sucked ass, and Eli was much too wound up to sleep.
Not that he was complaining. He definitely felt better than he had felt in months. He was still a bit distracted and antsy. However, he didn't feel completely out of control. And, unlike yesterday afternoon, he certainly didn't feel like he was about to die. In fact, he felt pretty good- just a highly caffeinated version of good. But then maybe this new, amped-up Eli was going to be the normal state of being for a while.
Turning off the TV, Eli distractedly scrolled through his phone in boredom. He thought about calling Adam; however, he really didn't want to alert any of his friends to his most recent break-down. He already had the reputation of resident school psycho - why make it any worse? It was bad enough that Clare had been there to witness his latest episode.
"Holy shit, Clare Edwards," Eli thought, shaking his head in disbelief. He still couldn't believe that she had been with him just last night. She had been so nice to him – holding him, comforting him, smiling at him. He blushed, thinking about all the time he had spent in her lap, hanging on to her for dear life. Ironically, he had probably "gotten farther" in the midst of yesterday's panic attack than he had ever gotten when the two of them were dating. Try as he might, he couldn't keep himself from smiling, as he thought about how he had buried his face in her chest – in her chest, for fuck's sake- taking refuge from the outside world. But then, in typical, Eli fashion, he had to go and ruin everything by throwing up on her! He had meant to apologize further for his embarrassing loss of control. However, according to CeCe, when Clare had returned from cleaning herself up, Eli had been fast asleep. Yep, he had puked all over her and then, like the gentleman he was, he had fallen asleep.
"Oh well," Eli thought disparagingly. Clare probably couldn't wait to get the hell out of Dodge anyway - get the hell away from Crazy Town and back to her nice, normal life. The poor girl was always dealing with his drama – always picking up his messes both figuratively and literally. In fact, Eli really wouldn't blame her if she never wanted anything to do with him again.
Yet yesterday she seemed so concerned about him; she didn't seem afraid of him at all. It was a nice change - to see concern in Clare's eyes instead of the panicked look of a trapped animal. Smiling, Eli closed his eyes and allowed himself to get lost in contemplation – remembering Clare's smile, her soft touches, her warm body.
"Daydreaming about me again?" the thick, throaty voice jolted Eli from his pleasant reverie. A large woman with bleached blond hair and bright pink scrubs entered the room, a chart in her hand.
"You know it, Pam," Eli replied with a smirk, trying to play off his embarrassment by defaulting to his number one defense mechanism - flirting.
Pam had been his nurse since the shift switch earlier that morning. She had immediately taken a liking to the Goldsworthys as soon as she saw Bullfrog's vintage Social Distortion T- shirt. She and CeCe had even discovered that they had attended the same Ozzfest back in 2000; both agreeing that Ozzy had been a little off his game that day – slurring the lyrics even more than he usually did.
Chuckling at the red splotches marking his face, Pam approached Eli with a blood pressure cuff.
"Arm."
"You're so demanding," Eli teased, stretching out his arm for her. "Your poor husband."
"Shoot, boy, that man is lucky to have me," Pam replied. "If it weren't for me, he'd be completely lost." She wrote down Eli's numbers in his chart. "What about you, rock star? You got a girlfriend at home or," she paused looking him over curiously, "a boyfriend?"
"Geeze, Pam," Eli laughed. "Just because my hair is a little long, and I color my fingernails. Way to stereotype."
"Well, you never know, in this day and age, honey. I've got to cover all the bases. So, a girlfriend is it?"
"Um.." Eli stalled. "Well, actually, no … not at the moment."
"Ah, but there is someone," Pam said knowingly. "I know that lovesick look. I see it on my husband's face every time I come home with pizza."
"Things are just a bit … complicated right now," Eli replied uncomfortably. He sighed dramatically. "Believe it or not, mental illness and panic attacks are not big with the ladies these days." He tried to laugh it off but stopped when he saw the nurse's concerned expression.
"Don't worry, honey," Pam replied, patting Eli's hand sympathetically. "You'll get it all together soon; and then there will be no stopping you. You'll have to beat those girls off with a stick."
"Beat what girls off with a stick?" a voice questioned from the door of Eli's hospital room.
Startled, Eli looked up to meet the shyly smiling gaze of Clare Edwards.
"Clare," he cried, running a hand nervously through his hair, his face turning red. "Uh …there's no beating happening here," he stuttered, holding his hands up in surrender. "Um…. no girls either, uh… present company excluded." He gestured to the nurse. "Pam, here, was just teasing." He looked frantically to Pam who was smiling shrewdly.
Pam glanced at Clare knowingly and then winked at Eli, before gathering her things to go.
"Well, Eli," Pam drawled. "I'll leave you alone with your visitor. Just ring if you need anything – water, a blanket, a stick..." Laughing she exited the room, closing the door behind her.
"What was that about?" Clare asked curiously, removing her coat and draping it over one of the visitor's chairs.
"Um… nothing," Eli said flustered. He paused, staring at the girl in disbelief, silently taking in her appearance. Clare was wearing a demure, navy blue dress, her hair tied back in a loose ponytail by a black, velvet ribbon. Her gold cross stood out sharply against the pale whiteness of her skin. She must have just come from mass.
Eli inhaled nervously. "What are you doing here, Clare?"
"Oh," Clare looked suddenly uncomfortable. She gazed around the room trying to avoid eye contact with Eli. "Well, I told your mom I'd stop by to see how you were doing. I'm sorry if I'm overstepping or something." She gestured to the door. "I can go."
"No, no," Eli cried anxiously. "I'm glad you are here. It gives me the opportunity to apologize again for yesterday – for the panic attack and…. all the crying and…..you know, the vomit and everything. I'm so, so sorry." His face was bright red.
"Eli," Clare interjected, smiling sadly. "I didn't come for an apology. I'm glad I was there. I'm glad I could help."
She looked at him, sincerity coloring her expression. "How are you feeling today? You look a lot better."
"I feel a lot better," Eli admitted. "I'm definitely not 100 percent, but just getting that medication out of my system has made a huge difference. I don't feel like I want to crawl out of my skin anymore." He paused, wondering how much he should share; he didn't want to scare her off again. But then, yesterday, Clare had seen him at his very worst, and she was still here.
"My doctors started me on a new mood stabilizer today. Hopefully, this one will do the trick, or, at the very least, not make me re-enact the breakdown scene from Apocalypse Now."
Clare laughed. "At least you kept all of your clothes on at the bookstore; and you didn't punch any mirrors that I know of." She smiled at him fondly.
"That's… a good thing," Eli stuttered, "um…very good." Try as he might, he couldn't control the nervous energy flooding through his veins in reaction to her smile.
The room became uncomfortably quiet.
"Say something, you idiot," Eli thought to himself disparagingly.
"So, how are you?" he finally offered.
"Fine," Clare replied awkwardly. "Good as can be expected."
"How's the family life?" The family life? Why the hell would he ask that? Was he, all of a sudden, channeling his Great Aunt Dolores?
Clare's face became instantly guarded. "It's good," she said with a tight smile, glancing uncomfortably around the room.
"How's Jake?" Eli asked, a bitter taste filling his mouth at the thought of Clare's ex who was now her step-brother. Hell, why did he ask her that? It's not like he cared about Jake.
"Fine. Jake's fine," Clare said tersely. "I really don't see him all that much."
"But you live with him," Eli countered. He didn't know why he was pushing so hard. Clare was obviously uneasy with this line of questioning. However, try as he might, Eli couldn't stop himself. Perhaps verbal diarrhea was one of the side effects of this new mood stabilizer.
"Let's just say that Jake and I try to avoid each other as much as possible," Clare said carefully, looking down at her hands. Eli could see the flush of emotion creeping up her neck and face. He knew that she was trying desperately to hold herself in check.
"Clare, I'm sorry," Eli apologized. "It's really none of my business." He paused before nervously adding, "It must really suck to be related to someone you used to date." What the fuck? Why couldn't he just shut up? At this rate, he might as well open the little, paper container of salt that had come with his hospital lunch and rub it into Clare's wounds.
"It's fine, Eli," Clare said shortly, gaining control of her emotions with effort. "Everything's fine. My family is fine. I'm fine. Jake's fine. Apparently, you're fine." She shook her head in annoyance. "Isn't it great that we're all so fine?"
"Clare," Eli soothed. Without thinking it through, he leaned forward and grabbed her hand, bringing her closer.
She seemed startled by his action but allowed herself to be pulled towards Eli's hospital bed, taking a tentative seat on the edge of the mattress.
Eli didn't know what to do when he got her close. Should he hug her? Would that be taking things too far? Would she freak out? He felt a cold sweat break out over his forehead, as he contemplated his next move.
Suddenly, Eli stopped his frenzied thoughts. Leaning in closer, he examined Clare's face curiously, noticing, for the first time, an angry bruise just below her eye. Immediately, he thought back to his previous panic attacks when he had lashed out at people trying to help. Oh fuck, no.
"Did I do that to you?" he whispered hoarsely. He traced the black and blue mark on her cheekbone with one finger, his touch feather light.
"Yeah," Clare breathed, before pulling back slightly and emitting an awkward laugh. "Apparently your right hook has greatly improved since your days of rumbling with Fitz. Have you been taking lessons from Drew? Any cage fighting I should know about?"
Eli winced at both the mention of Fitz and at Clare's confirmation that he had hit her. Shit! It totally figured. Not only had he thrown-up all over Clare, but he had hit her too. Not only was he pathetically disgusting and certifiably crazy, but he was also violent. He had actually hit a girl. Eli Goldsworthy had hit a girl - and not just any girl; he had hit Clare Edwards.
"Damn, Clare," he breathed. "I can't believe I hurt you. I would never… I mean… I wasn't in my right mind. I'm just so … sorry." Disgusted, he started to shake. He could feel his heart pounding and his chest tightening.
"Stop, Eli," Clare said, putting her hand over his shaking ones. "I know you weren't yourself yesterday. I didn't take it personally." She smiled at him reassuringly, her own awkwardness forgotten. "You forget, I've witnessed a few panic attacks in my day. This was not my first rodeo, by any means."
"Still," Eli whispered, "there's no excuse for this. I can't believe I hit you."
"I'm fine!" Clare cried emphatically. "Didn't you listen the first time? Must I go through the whole thing all over again?" Clare said forcefully, trying to assuage Eli's guilt with humor. "I'm fine. Jake's fine. You're …"
"OK, I believe you," Eli interjected with a shaky smile. "You are totally fine … Rocky."
"Hey!" Clare protested, running her finger over the black and blue mark. "It's not that bad. Besides, I think that it makes me look dangerous."
"Oh yeah, dangerous," Eli teased. "You are such a badass, Edwards."
"Shut up," Clare huffed, crossing her arms. All of a sudden, she realized that she was sitting very close to Eli on his hospital bed. She glanced at him briefly and nervously bit her lip, uncomfortable at the close proximity. She shifted awkwardly on the bed, her heart rate becoming slightly erratic.
Eli looked at her, his eyes alight with some unreadable emotion. He watched as a light blush infused the skin of her cheeks – watched as her white teeth bit down on her bottom lip in an uneasy gesture – watched as she shifted her body, unintentionally pressing up against his hip. She was so close that he could smell her perfume – the light, citrusy smell invading his senses, effectively shutting down the rational part of his brain. God! All he would have to do was lean forward just a little bit and …
"I've got lunch!" Freshly showed and wearing a low cut, black T-shirt and a leather jacket, CeCe pushed through the hospital room door, a brown paper bag in her hand. She stopped, surveying the seemingly intimate scene she had walked in on. "Am I interrupting something?" she asked slyly.
Immediately Clare jumped up from the bed and retreated a few paces. "No," Clare explained, her voice high. "I was just convincing Eli that he really didn't hit me all that hard yesterday." She shook her head trying to break the intimacy of the previous moment with humor. "I won't be pressing charges," she glanced at Eli and attempted a wicked grin, "this time."
"Oh, Sweetie," CeCe called in concern. "I didn't even notice your shiner. Did Eli do that to you yesterday?"
"Yes," Clare replied, "but I'm totally…"
"She's fine," Eli said with a smirk.
"Well, good," CeCe smiled, moving the hospital table over to Eli's bed. "I got you a turkey club, Baby," she said pulling out a saran wrapped sandwich, "and a cup of minestrone."
"Thanks, Mom," Eli said. "It looks great."
"Now, remember to take it slow," CeCe cautioned. "We don't want you throwing-up all over Clare again."
"Yeah, we definitely don't want that," Clare teased, surveying Eli's mortified face. She distractedly shifted her weight from one foot to the other, as Eli glanced at his sandwich.
"Well, I should probably go and leave you to your lunch."
"Oh, Honey, don't go just because I'm here," CeCe pleaded. "I know that Eli loves having you visit. He's really missed having you around, you know. We all have."
"Mom!" Eli groaned, embarrassed.
"What? It's true," CeCe defended.
Clare bit back a laugh. "Thanks, CeCe. But I probably should be getting home. I have a massive amount of homework to finish before tomorrow." She turned to Eli, "Please tell me that year 12 is easier than year 11."
"Um…" Eli felt his face flushing. "Well, … uh … I'm probably the wrong person to ask about that," he stuttered, "since I seem to be currently sucking in all of my classes."
Clare looked at him, confusion coloring her features. "Are you serious?" she asked in disbelief.
"Well, lately, my life's been a little crazy – and I mean that in the literal sense," Eli tried to joke. "I just haven't really been able to concentrate. And now I'm so far behind. And it's only going to get worse, since my doctor wants me to stay home from school this week." Eli shook his head, his face red in embarrassment.
Clare looked at him in astonishment. Before she could even process it, she heard herself asking, "Do you want me to get your homework for this week and drop it by your house?"
"Oh, you don't have to do that," Eli argued. "I'm sure you have enough going on in your life without adding all of my crap." Son of a bitch! Was Clare Edwards actually offering to come by his house- voluntarily? What was going on here?
"I don't mind," she asserted, ignoring the little voice of conscience that warned her against getting involved in anything having to do with Eli Goldsworthy.
"That's a wonderful idea!" CeCe chimed in. "Thank you so much, Clare. I know that Eli would really appreciate it."
Still shocked, Eli nodded dumbly.
"It's really no problem," Clare replied.
Suddenly nervous, she picked up her coat and shrugged it on.
"Well, I'm glad you are feeling better, Eli," Clare said awkwardly. She glanced towards the door.
"Thanks," Eli said, inexplicably anxious at the thought of Clare's departure. "When… um … when do you think you will stop by? …with the homework, I mean?"
"Well, I'll ask your teachers for the work on Monday, but I should probably give them some time to get a whole week's worth of work together. So, maybe Tuesday or Wednesday?"
"Sounds good," Eli said, exhaling.
"OK. Good. Then I'll see you then," Clare confirmed in a somewhat shaky voice. "Bye, CeCe."
"Oh, Baby Girl," CeCe wrapped Clare in a tight embrace. "Thanks so much for everything."
Blushing, Eli rolled his eyes and sighed dramatically, as he watched his mother's overly affectionate sendoff of his ex-girlfriend.
Detangling herself from CeCe's arms, Clare flashed a hesitant smile at Eli. She gave him a small wave. "Bye, Eli. Enjoy your lunch."
"Bye, Clare. Thanks again."
Walking out of the hospital into the cold, grey, air, Clare berated herself critically. She was doing it again. No matter how many times she promised herself that she would steer clear of Eli, she always ended up getting pulled back into his orbit. Today, she had had the perfect opportunity to extract herself. She could have checked to make sure Eli was OK and then left, promising vaguely to see him at school. But no, like the masochistic idiot that she was, she had to offer to bring his work to him. She was just so taken aback by the fact that he was struggling so much his classes. The boy was brilliant. He shouldn't be struggling academically.
Besides, she reminded herself, she had only offered to bring him his work. She was under no obligation to stay and visit or, God forbid, to try to reestablish a friendship with him. She could just drop the work off and be on her way. Yes, that's what she would do. She would simply drop off his work and go back to her own life – back to her own problems. Eli was right; she had enough going on in her life right now without adding all of his drama to the mix.
Resolute in her decision, Clare started the long, cold walk to the bus stop. However, in the back of her mind, she knew that breaking out of Eli's orbit was a feat much easier said than done.
