I stared blindly out my large, big, gigantic, golden window; my eyes sparkling with fresh tears, not unlike the lovely sparkles of a certain vampire. My pecks were shivering and twitching with shame. I had abandoned my only love in his time of need. The words he had shattered my universe with were stuck in my head like so many shards of broken glass.

"I had something special to show you. But now I have to leave." I recalled him saying, sobbing like a panther in heat.

I would have chased after that fiery ball of passionate fire-love, but I would have only burned myself. I looked away from the majestic, daunting, brilliant, frosty landscape out my window. It was as cold as my heart had become.

Ripping out the remainder of my chest hair in blind fury, I recalled more of what my vampire lust-bag had said;

"I will miss you forever! I'm going to Rome!" Edward had shouted mercilessly, flinging himself out the window and shattering it in the process. Shattered like my heart.

I was examining my broken self in the mirror when a sound chimed in my delicate, manly, clever, heartbroken ears. It was the doorbell. My parents, inebriated as always, were too far gone to open the door. I pranced down the stairs like a deer, recalling the stench of said animal on Edward's innocent breath. A tear tumbled down my face, seeking refuge in my concave cheeks. I hoped the UPS guy wouldn't make fun of me again as I opened the door.

But it wasn't a UPS guy as I had suspected. Instead, what graced my eyes can only be described as perfection. A tall, generous looking man with bountiful blond hair leapt at me with a jagged, shiny knife which looked to be acquired from an expensive knife specialty store, screaming.

Luckily, years of working out had blessed me with an iron chest that wouldn't allow a knife's penetration. The stranger gave me a look that said: 'I am a sexy vampire sent to kill you.' It was as plain to me as black and white.

He jumped back, nearly tripping over my front lawn's elegant decorative gnomes. He ripped his shirt off for reasons unknown and shouted to the heavens, "I am a sexy vampire sent to kill you named James!" JUST AS I HAD SUSPECTED.

However, I didn't suspect what would happen next. "--but now that I have met you, I cannot continue this mission." He squeaked gently, "You are so subtle and clever with your illiterate beauty that I can not stand to see you harmed."

He burst into glittery, glorious tears and fled, like a virgin touched for the very first time. A virgin butterfly, so to speak, escaping the judgmental stares of a million centipedes, so jealous of his bounty and grace. I nearly vomited with shock and appraisal. What a majestic gentleman he truly was. Such an occurrence would surely be documented in my diary.

I suddenly felt bad, for in the heat of the moment, I had forgotten all about Edward, my true love. Our life together flashed before my ghostly, broken, tender, skinny eyes. What was a little girl to do?

I knew instantly that I had to go to Rome and find him. But the only plausible way to get my parents to let me go was to fake my own death...