Chapter 3
Nagato quietly ate his candy as we walked out of the shop, it was still snowing outside, the little flakes each different from each other rained down on us. My hair, which was tied back, had white particles as I held onto his arm like I had been doing before we entered the shop. I don't know why I was so reluctant to let go of his arm when I knew we'd still be walking to, Nagato's favorite place, the library. Just as before, I squeezed his arm and pressed my body into it. He didn't seem to mind, he didn't even seem to care that I was doing something that if Haruki saw me, I'd be yelled at. Nagato was completely oblivious to it all, like if it was normal.
What is normal to him? If I suddenly hugged him, what would he think? Would be become flustered? I've never seen him flustered before, nor have I ever seen him blush. How he'll behave is something I'll never know until I see it happen with my own eyes. There's no clear way to predict what will happen. As much as I want to speculate, I'll be wrong no matter what, it's really all because I don't know enough about him. It seems he has no emotions, everything he does needs reasoning behind it—solid reasoning—something that if it wasn't present he wouldn't act. He's not one to make mistakes, everything he does is carried out with precision.
Could he actually say something he doesn't understand? He's reluctant to speak, could he say something based off of something he doesn't understand, a feeling that he doesn't know what it is? Or would he only continue to act as he did before because that's all knows how to do. Someone like him wouldn't do anything unless prompted to. It all could be in front of him, yet he wouldn't know what to do with it, he'd be unknowing to what he must do with it. Does he even feel pain? I don't know, does he feel anything? Or is it all something he doesn't understand? A smile something so simple for most people, can he put one on? Can he frown when he feels sad? Does he know what sadness is? When he reads, does he understand how the characters feel? Or does he just read it without really understanding why it happened? He just thinks it must happen, is that how he thinks? He doesn't do anything for himself because something must happen because it must. Is that how it is?
When he's made to act because of Haruki, does he not mind he's being used? Asahina-sempai, Koizumi, they all mind. Asahina-sempai, feelings are clear, you know when he's sad, when he's mad; you know how he's feeling; he's easy to read. While Koizumi... she seems to not care, to be oblivious to what she really wants to do, she's just hiding behind that smile—that enigmatic smile—it means nothing but pain and torment. Her wearing it makes it so simple to read her. How would it feel to have your world ripped apart, like she has? And then to have to serve the one who made her world like that—it must be painful, living like a doll. If she could, I wonder what she would really do. Would she smile less? Or would she smile more? Nagato.... is someone you can't speculate about, would his character change? Or would it remain the same—a quiet being that does nothing for himself. He doesn't chase after his desires, does he even have desires? Does he even know what desires are? Does he understand what speaking is supposed to be? Or does he just do it? What is he really? A quiet boy who's too far from everyone else to even know that how he acts affects other people, is that who he is, someone who hurts other people by being too unattached to the world? His mind is in books that he doesn't even understand. The only similarity between Nagato and the books he reads is that they follow a path that's already been decided.
Why doesn't he make a choice for himself, he waited for me to tell him where to go, why couldn't he tell me where he wanted to go? I would've followed at his side, if he wanted I would've gone directly to the library with him, and then after this foolish activity that Haruki must have happen, I would've gone to buy my brother his candy. Was he thinking of me or was he thinking of himself? Could he not tell me to stop clinging onto him? Or did his quietness mean he wanted me to continue? I really want to know and not be tricked. Why can't he just tell me how he feels? Maybe then I'd understand a little bit more about him; I'd understand what he thinks of me. Does he think of me as a nuisance? As something that just doesn't let him be at peace? He saves me over and over and over by giving me ways to escape the problems I'm in. Does he do this because he must or because he wants to? Am I really just an annoying fly that is in the way of his peaceful reading of books? I want to know what I am.... a girl or another annoyance, what am I to him?
Does what I think matter to him, or is it just something he doesn't want to hear? If I told him that he shouldn't read, would he stop reading all the time? Does it even matter, even if he would stop reading he wouldn't become any closer to the people around him. He'd still be as far away from me than before I told him. Nagato Yuuki, a name just like any other, so what gives him the right to be distanced from all the other names? Haruki, a guy who seems to not care if he hurts those around him, does he really think that, or is it just an act? A guy who treats people badly because he doesn't know anything else. When it comes down to it, even if they seem different, they're not. They both probably do things they don't understand. Haruki and his insanity, Yuuki and his quietness... the quiet is way better.... but painful at the same time. I want to be able to know how he feels; I want to be able to read him.
When I look at his face, I want to know how he feels. I don't want to see his regular blank expression, no, I'd rather see an expression of: sadness, happiness, remorse, regret, and even hate. I want him to act normally. I want to see him laugh more than anything. A laughing, cheery, Nagato would make my heart skip a few beats... I don't even know what I'm saying anymore.... Nagato is only Nagato to me that's all he can be...
We walked down the street, everything was as it was before, only with a bigger layer of snow. The beautiful snow that's impossible to hold onto forever, as it turns to water in a matter of seconds... It's too sad and I don't want to think about what that means. Nagato, continued to eat the tiny pieces of candy... his face seemed to hold a little happiness.
Aside from that, I felt bad for taking Nagato's jacket he had to be cold with all the snow. But I really didn't want to face the snow without his jacket I'd be frozen in place by now. And I really don't want that to happen. This really made me want to hurry to the library, the less time he was outside the better, I thought. I don't want him to get sick, if it's even possible for him to become sick under normal circumstances. Still, I disregarded that fact and tired to hurry him up by pulling him a bit. He once again didn't say anything and simply let me pull him down the street. Why doesn't he say something? Even if he got mad at me, I wouldn't mind it'd actually be better than seeing his same old blank face, which is only getting old at this point.
With our quickened pace it took less time and we made it outside of the library. I didn't let go of him even as we walked into the library, I really didn't care if people saw me this way; actually, I wanted them to see me clinging onto him, I think. I didn't care what they would think, let them think what they want. I'll do what I want because I want to, not because someone else wants me to. Even if they laughed, I wouldn't care, I'm doing this because I want to. They'd only be wasting their breath if they talked about "us" anyway since we're not anything, anyway. Embarrassment isn't a good reason, to not do something, it's probably one of the biggest hindrances in the world—to teens at least—I can't think of anything else that makes people refrain from doing things or vice versa. I wonder what he thinks about this... he didn't shrug me off, so he mustn't mind, either that or he doesn't understand the concept of embarrassment. I wonder which one it is... Maybe it's a little of both...
Even though I say this, I let go of his hand as he neared the bookshelves; if I was cling onto him like that, I'd only be in his way that's the real reasoning behind my actions. So I didn't do it because of embarrassment or because I didn't want them to see me like that.
I hadn't spoken to him for some time, I realized this fact as he walked in between the shelves, with me trailing behind him as he did so.
After moments of me fighting with myself to talk, I finally said:
"Hey Nagato... do you think... you could recommend me something to read?" I asked while he looked through the books on the shelves. His hands stopped searching through the many books that were pilled onto shelves to the brim.
He walked away without even answering me, I felt ignored.... I would've rather taken the suggestion about him just picking the book he had read last than him just completely ignoring me. How inconsiderate of him, nonetheless, I walked after him; I didn't want to lose him in the sea of books that'd be a disaster; it might've even been one that I would've never recovered from. He walked to another shelf, and took a book off of its proper place. I looked at him with interest as he did so. How he held it, I couldn't see the name of it, so I tired to move to see it. It's needless to say that my efforts were fruitless, or titleless in this case, and when he handed me the book, I felt I had just done something stupid...
"Is this one of your favorites?"
"Yes," he answered.
"Oh," I said a bit taken back by his answer.
I held the book with my right hand and I noticed he had his hand right at his side. Without even thinking about it once again, I did something I didn't completely understand at the time.... I grabbed his hand and interlocked our fingers. I tightly squeezed his hand. He didn't even turn to face me or say anything, I think I saw him stall a bit in looking at the books, but it simply could've been my mind playing tricks on me. He didn't let go of my hand, my hand felt moist even though he wasn't sweating...that was me... He moved a little, tugging me with him. I actually enjoyed the fact that for once he was pulling me around, and not waiting for me to tell him where to head to. This was completely him, and I didn't have a say in where we went, even if it sounds strange, I like that aspect of it. It's simply unlike Nagato, which I think is why I liked the aspect of it. It's really strange if it was Haruki telling me where to go I'd hate it, but if it was Nagato, I was entirely okay with it.
I guess things like this are really about how you feel..... so how do I feel.... No, I'm sure I'm not.... what is wrong with me!
Chapter 3—End
