Purpose

In the weeks that followed, I threw myself headlong into my family's pursuits. I visited Carlisle at work, Esme at her reconstruction site, and Emmett at his house. Jasper and I upgraded the security installation at the farmhouse and re-explored the countryside together.

I even joined Rosalie in the garage one afternoon, and we spent a few quiet hours together, not perhaps easy in each others' presence yet, but at least in companionable silence. She was concentrating on her vehicle rather intently, which helped. Her impatience with me was otherwise very hard to bear.

Alice was the only one who kept her distance, for reasons of her own, it seemed.

When I questioned Jasper, he didn't want to talk about it. "Alice wants you to heal," he stated simply, as if that excused her tendency to always be somewhere I was not, often missing me by moments.

"Have I done something? It's not due to your…helping me?" As greatly as I appreciated his gift, the last thing I wanted to do was cause friction between Alice and Jasper.

He gave me a disappointed look. "Of course not. She and I both agreed upon my actions that night."

"Then why…?"

"Edward – our only concern is you. Please…please don't worry about this." His steady gaze reassured me. As usual, I found that I couldn't resist his suggestions when he used a persuasive tone like that. He wasn't using his gift – it was just a natural part of him.

So I tried not to be too concerned. I knew I would find out Alice's reasons soon enough. I always did, whether I wanted to or not.

Despite the general outward picture of peace, the struggle raged on inside of me – my struggle to be good to my family, to be responsible. I fought a constant battle to keep myself from bolting out the door, free from thought with the release of speed. I also fought a constant battle to keep myself from curling up defensively, crushing in upon myself with all my strength, both as balm and punishment for the pain.

Although I did occasionally lose both of these battles, I was winning sometimes too. Jasper's gift was the key that made it possible. Otherwise, I wouldn't have dared show myself in public, worried that I would cause another quick move for my family. Instead, I was usually able to hold off long enough to avoid arousing suspicion with my strange behaviors.

There was another battle I was fighting, and this one was more dangerous than the others. I was fighting to keep myself from returning to Bella. The longer I was away, the stronger the compulsion to return was becoming. It worried away at my resolve like the slow drip of water wears down a mountain.

I truly hated myself for this weakness. Why couldn't I just keep her safe? Why was I so selfish that I couldn't do this for the woman who meant everything to me? The answers didn't come to me, no matter how long or hard I pondered these questions.

As I picked up the guise of normal life, and I allowed my mind to operate freely again, the thought of Bella crept in with very little prompting. Esme's reconstruction is really starting to take shape. I can't wait to show this to Bella. Then, as I realized what I had done, I would lock down my body – freeze in place – while the pain flared up inside me, and I fought against the equally strong urges to crumble or to flee.

In between innocent thought and pained reaction, there was always a moment of time where I was determined to go right now to find Bella, and be with her forever, prove my love to her with all my power and might, and never, ever leave her side again. While my reaction time was always very fast, the moment in time was lengthening, almost imperceptibly, as the weeks passed.

It worried me.

It also worried me that I was restless, and feeling caged. As much as I enjoyed the company of my family, and appreciated their pursuits, I didn't have any purpose of my own. The goal of my existence was to not do things – not run off, not collapse, not go back to Bella. I yearned for some sort of mission to accomplish that would make my existence worthwhile. I longed to be, as Tanya had once said, "a man of action." Hiding did not suit me. As it stood, I could only see one exit from my cage.

Death. Or perhaps more accurately, the cessation of my existence. I pondered this thought more than my family would be happy knowing. I planned out my trip to Italy in spare moments - how I would get there, how I would make my request to the Volturi, what I would do if they refused. There were so many options, and my mind wandered vaguely through many of them.

Better to end my existence than head back to Forks! That would surely end Bella's life one way or another, and as cliché as it sounded, I would give my life for hers. Perhaps it was the last thing I could do for her. If so, then I wouldn't fight it anymore. I would give it gladly and without regret.

I made up my mind that if I ever wavered in my conviction to stay away from her, if I ever made a physical movement to go back to Bella again, whether my body moved 500 miles or 5 millimeters in her direction before I stopped myself, I would take myself to Italy immediately.

This decision gave me some sense of relief; even as I felt some guilt about the pain this would undoubtedly cause my family. Despite my embarrassment at my current state, I was generally open with the others on how I was doing. This was the only thought I didn't share.

Days turned into weeks, and somehow, I was able to hold on.

Winter was coming to upstate New York. The tourists that always flocked to the colorful leaves of autumn were gone, and the residents prepared for the coming weather. Both Emmett's and Esme's projects were progressing quickly; the workers racing to finish the outside work before heavy snows completely buried the region.

We made our own preparations to the farmhouse and the surrounding farmlands, still in use over many decades. Emmett and Carlisle often bonded over such activities, as they alone came from more agrarian backgrounds. The rest of us were city-folk at heart.

One afternoon during this busy season, I was helping Esme make pumpkin pie. She had a "potluck" fundraising luncheon to attend, and engaged my assistance in cooking – a skill both of us had tried to learn when we'd planned on keeping Bella with us. In previous years, she'd have just bought a pie from a bakery in New York City or New Jersey to pass off as her own. However, as she had learned how to cook, she decided she might as well practice….

One way or another, Bella's influence on my family continued to show itself, however subtly.

I pulled the completed pie out of the oven under Esme's careful watch and wrinkled my nose at the pungent smell. I wonder if Bella likes pumpkin pie, I considered, and then realizing what I had done, I locked down my muscles.

As always, that suspended moment was filled with a jumble of thoughts and emotions: entering her room late at night through the unlocked window, begging for her forgiveness, watching her liquid brown eyes fill with understanding, moving closer to the heat of her soft skin….

And then the pain flared like a sunburst, bright and hot and full of force. I closed my eyes and held on tight. I tried desperately to imagine placing my feet on a cool, steady, rock ledge deep inside me. Jasper's steady gaze filled my vision, and I pulled in a jagged breath. My eyes re-opened.

I placed the pie on the stovetop. Less than a second had passed. I had barely paused.

Nonetheless, Esme had noticed. "Edward, are you alright?"

"I'm okay," I answered as truthfully as I could, meeting her gaze. I wasn't well, but I was holding the line. I wouldn't be heading to Italy today.

As we stood there staring at each other, Alice came into the kitchen. This shocked me momentarily – I hadn't seen her in at least a week.

Her eyes wouldn't meet mine, and she was clearly unsettled to be in the same room with me. "We need to have a family meeting," she stated flatly, and stalked off. I'd rarely seen her this agitated before. Her movements didn't have their usual bounce, and her expression was bleak.

Esme and I looked at each other blankly for a moment. Then my eyebrows rose – it seemed unlikely that the meeting would be about anything other than me. She smiled encouragingly, and with a reassuring squeeze to my hand, she glided towards the formal dining room, pulling me along behind her.

I'm sure it'll be fine, she reassured me.

Alice was gathering the others, so Esme and I sat down along one side of the dining table. Emmett and Carlisle joined us first, fresh from their work in the fields, and looking wary. It was clear they didn't know what this was about any more than we did. Carlisle took his place at the head next to Esme, and Emmett sat next to him.

After a moment, Rosalie came in through the front door and joined Emmett. She placed her hand in his instantly, and gazed into his eyes. His slow smile was answered with an awed one of her own. She reached out to pick a bit of hay out of his hair, before shaping her hand to the side of his face tenderly. His smile widened even further.

I looked away hurriedly and locked myself down for a moment, just in case. Rosalie and Emmett were the worst. They couldn't seem to help themselves sometimes, and it hurt…really hurt to see the obvious love on their faces sometimes. I ached to see …to know…that look again….

Jasper was the last to join us, and he descended from his upstairs room slowly, sitting on my other side. I was pretty certain he would know what this was about, and his reticence to join us made me deeply uneasy. He gave me an encouraging nod, and I sifted through his thoughts for clues, while we all waited for Alice to reappear.

Before I found anything, Alice came in and paused inside the doorway, just as unsettled as she had been before. She looked directly at Carlisle, and began quickly in a low voice.

"Edward forbade me to look into his future, and I'm trying to keep to that promise." She glared at me briefly before returning her look to Carlisle. "But I can't help it! I keep getting glimpses anyways – they just come to me anytime he's near."

This explained her continued absence from anywhere I was. The others looked startled, except for Jasper, of course. Apparently, Alice had been good about keeping up pretences, and hadn't shared my request with the others. It'd been kind of her, but that kindness was now coming to an end.

I could see what was coming, but I couldn't stop her in time.

"I don't like what I'm seeing," she continued, in a stronger voice this time. "Edward is planning a trip to Volterra. His intent is clear. He's going to ask the Volturi to end his life."

The family was shocked into a deeper silence.

I scanned through Alice's thoughts. I was startled to discover just how much she had learned without having spent any actual time with me. Her gift was impressive, as always.

"I don't have any definite plans - you all know I've been trying to carry on with my existence here," I defended myself weakly.

It was clear I could have saved my breath. With Alice's accusation, my family found me guilty before I'd even said anything. I could see it in their confused and betrayed looks and hear it in their condemning thoughts. That I couldn't do a better job of defending myself was corroboration enough.

Of course, Alice was right. I had been thinking about seeking my death.

Jasper must have known this was coming. His face was set in grim lines. "Edward has been trying very hard to fit in with the family, to find peace. It has been exceedingly difficult for him."

"Then why do I keep seeing it, Edward?" Alice now stared directly at me. As I met her eyes for the first time, I found myself pinned to my seat by the strength of her black gaze. "I've been looking for glimpses of anything else – you running again, going back to Forks, going away, or staying here – and I'm getting nothing except you heading off to Italy!"

I couldn't breathe, caught as I was by her ferocity. The silence in the dining room stretched to a breaking point.

Carlisle and Jasper seemed to collect themselves first. They gave each other a significant look.

Carlisle's voice was patient and kind, as always. But I could hear a bit of pain in it that he wasn't quite able to mask. "Edward, tell us what you've been considering. Have you been thinking about…ending your life?"

With effort, I looked away from the darkness in Alice's eyes, and faced Carlisle's grave visage. It wasn't an improvement. I knew I couldn't lie to him, as much as I wanted to. "Yes," I admitted. "Sometimes."

He pulled in a deep breath, as the family watched carefully. "Edward, we don't want to lose you. What else can we do to help?"

I hesitated, trying to think of how to answer him. My family had been more giving, loving, and kind than I ever could have expected, or deserved. What else could I ask of them?

"Edward, this is nuts! If you can't live without Bella, then why don't you go back to her?" Emmett interrupted my musing with a shout. I could see in his thoughts that he was wondering what he could do. If I couldn't live without Bella, and I was too stubborn to go back to Forks, then maybe the answer was to bring Bella here….

"Emmett, no!" I shouted, and sprang to my feet. I was watching a new vision form in Alice's thoughts – Emmett pulling up in Rosalie's M3, with Bella in the passenger seat. It didn't look like Emmett had to force her to come. I yearned to see the expression on her face as she got out and met my eyes….

"Emmett – Edward has made his decision to live without Bella. Until he decides otherwise, we will support him in that." Carlisle's smooth tone cancelled Emmett's plans, Alice's visions…and my enjoyment of them. I groaned, and sank into my seat again. I closed my eyes and gritted my teeth as the pain of loss embraced me...again.

"I don't know what else we can do! We've bent over backwards to make him feel comfortable since he's gotten here." Rosalie was finally free to vent at me after weeks of trying to hold it in, and I could tell that it pleased her immensely.

"He's not in the best of shape at the moment. Now is not the time to push him." Jasper spoke quietly and evenly.

"So we wait until he's dead before we ask him about his plans?" Alice quipped back. I had never seen them fight before, but it was obvious they'd had a heated discussion behind the scenes. It hadn't been resolved there, which is why Alice had gone to such desperate measures in exposing me in front of everyone.

"Edward…." Esme's face was a mask of pain. The grief I sensed in her thoughts was nearly overwhelming. "Please, don't give up on this life."

The irony of the only member of our family who had chosen to give up her own life pleading with me not to do the same was not lost on me. Of course, my mother would also be the only person who had an innate understanding of the magnitude of my loss.

Carlisle squeezed her hand gently to reassure her. "I think we need to hear from Edward himself now." With no judgment in his eyes, he turned to me. "Edward, what do you need? Can we help at all? You know we will do everything we can."

Unwillingly, I tried to concentrate on his request. Wild thoughts raced through my fevered mind, while the silence continued. Every pair of dark golden eyes focused intently on me, awaiting my answer, any answer. But due to Alice's ambush, this wasn't a question I was ready to answer.

Suddenly, it occurred to me that maybe Carlisle was asking me the wrong question. The question wasn't really what the family could do for me with all their many talents. Or even what I could do for them by staying and being responsible. Perhaps my place wasn't here with my family anymore, as much as I loved them. I wouldn't go to Forks, shouldn't go to Italy, and couldn't stay with my family. Was there another option?

"I need time to think," I said finally.

I knew instantly the best way to clear my head and to think without distraction - running through the desolate late autumn forest surrounding us, free from my family's interfering thoughts. I pushed myself from the table and headed immediately for the door.

I could hear the thoughts echo behind me. He's leaving again.

I turned back momentarily to reassure them. "It may come to that in the end. But, at least for today, I will be back."

I was running again before I'd cleared the porch steps. I headed into the surrounding forests, knowing the cold weather threat would keep the odds of my encountering anyone else to a bare minimum. I let the cold wind whip past me, clearing the stagnant thoughts that came with a lack of action.

I turned my thoughts to the task at hand. I had promised my family I would try to come up with another solution – one that didn't end my existence, and as much as I dreaded it, I knew that I owed them this much. If I had wondered before how much my trip to Volterra would affect my family, now I knew. I would try to come up with another path, one that didn't hurt either them or Bella in the end,

What was my purpose in this existence without Bella? How could I make my way in this world without her?

My mind wandered through the possibilities, each one as unlikely as the next. I would never be free from Bella's hold on me. That fact was irrefutable. So the idea of my moving on, searching for and finding another mate, was impossible, so laughable even that I actually laughed aloud as I ran. That the explosion of sound from my lungs was foreign and lifeless was not lost on me.

I could continue on as I had been, spending my existence furthering my family's happiness. But I had tried it for a short time and I was failing to find a place there.

So, what else was there?

I tried to think back to the darkness of my life, before Bella's sun blazed into it. Even with my perfect vampire memory, I knew I would never be able to recall a higher purpose from those days. When I was first brought to this new life, I had existed to adjust to who and what I had become.

When I had stubbornly rebelled against Carlisle and his compassion, I had lived briefly for the hunt. That was the time I was most like the rest of my kind, who live for the kill, the thrill of feeding the monster within. In hunting the evil and loathsome, I had found some solace in protecting those who were not strong enough to protect themselves, trying in part to balance the scales. But, in acknowledging that, I also had to acknowledge the other side of the coin; that I had secretly and darkly lived for the kill, as well. The strength and rush I got from consuming human blood had enflamed me briefly. It was that darkness from which I turned when I returned to Carlisle.

From that moment on, my purpose was to earn back Carlisle's faith and respect. Though I knew I had never truly lost it in his eyes, I would never stop trying. I used my abilities for the greater good of the family; keeping the family safe from detection. At the time it had been enough - a penance for my sins. But, on the whole, I had not had a clear purpose in my existence for decades….

Until Bella.

When Bella came into my life, her happiness and love became my reason for existing. All else faded except her smile, her thoughts, her delight, her pain, her fear, and her safety.

And therein lay my dilemma. The purpose of my current state was her safety. Once it became clear to me that the greatest threat to her safety was my world, I could not let her be a part of it. With me gone, the darkness and fear she had known in the last year would no longer threaten her. That was the only thing that mattered.

A memory arose without my calling for it. It whispered to me, and yet it struck me like a physical blow, and my body came staggering to a halt. I became immediately aware of the empty brown forest surrounding me, rustled only by the lightest of winds.

In my mind it became the living green of home, as seen through a windshield. Glaring darkly at the green forest, I had once whispered, "I'm not always the most dangerous thing out there."

Suddenly, the forest surrounding me seemed filled with dangers, seen and unseen. I felt a prickle of fear traverse my spine. I gazed deeply into my surroundings, and I listened and smelled intently.

My mind whirled in sudden, desperate thought.

I had removed the most immediate of vampire threats from Bella - the entire Cullen clan, including myself, and especially Jasper. But what of the others? Hunters often stalked the peninsula, like James, Victoria, and Laurent had done. It was good country for those of our kind who occasionally interacted with humans for reasons other than feeding. Any one of them was a threat.

One of them could be there right now.

Unconsciously, my body tightened into a fighting stance, my hands curling into fists. My body shook in furious denial. A growl ripped itself from my throat.

Could I act as a guard, as a sentinel at the peninsula, keeping the others away? Too close to Bella, I admitted, and gritted my teeth. I'd never stay away from her if I was that close. I had a hard enough time staying away from her when I was on the other side of the continent.

But…I could lower their numbers in the world. I could track the others down and end their murderous existences, one by one. It seemed like the reverse of my earlier efforts to live off the worst humanity had to offer. Even if I destroyed only one non-vegetarian vampire, Bella would live in a safer world.

And that is when I felt it. I felt the purpose fill me up. Plans and intentions crystallized in my head. Feelings realigned themselves in my heart and soul. I even knew which vampire was first on my list. I would end Victoria's existence, as payback for her part in Bella's pain and suffering. It was so clear, so right, that I almost sang with the joy of it. I would never let another vampire hurt Bella again.

I smiled darkly, and relaxed my stance. The forest around me still felt threatening, but I was ready for it. I would become the most dangerous thing in the forest. I would hunt the hunters.

I itched to get started at once, and yet I knew I had to be careful. My kind was dangerous, and difficult to track and kill. I would have to be better than the best of them, faster and more cunning. I had speed and my gift on my side, and an element of surprise. It would have to be enough.

I spent a few more moments standing there, making sure I had thought through all the ramifications of my decision. Carlisle and Esme would be dead set against it, as well as Rosalie, but I might find some support from the others. Carlisle's certain displeasure caused me the longest period of uncertainty. Could it possibly be the right path, if Carlisle didn't agree? I couldn't answer that question.

In the end, I decided it didn't matter to me. I would accept my fate. For the second time in my existence, I was going to go against Carlisle's wishes. I hoped that I wasn't as wrong this time as I was the last.

For now, I needed to inform my family of my decision, and ready myself for the coming trials. I turned around and took a more leisurely pace back to the farmhouse, thinking intently about how to get started with my search.

My family had dispersed to their various activities when I returned. Quietly, I let myself in the back, and dashed up the back stairs.

I found Jasper and Alice up in Alice's room, and before I could say anything, Alice burst out with, "Denali? You're going to see Tanya?"

As I heard Alice ask the question, my plans had just begun to take shape in my head. It made the most sense. The area was home to our closest friends, our extended family. And it was home to the one link to Victoria that I had access to - Laurent. We knew that Laurent had gone to the Denali clan seeking to learn more about our way of life, just as he'd told Carlisle that he would. He would know more than anyone how best to find Victoria.

Alice was glaring up at me furiously, and Jasper was giving me a perplexed look. I saw in Alice's mind what she was suspecting, and I threw my head back laughing, feeling lighter than I had been in months.

"No, of course I'm not going up to Denali just to see Tanya…you should know better than that," I chided gently.

"Then why…" she trailed off.

I filled them in on my decision to find Victoria and end her existence. Alice got that unfocused look in her eyes, searching for the outcome of this newest plan. Jasper and I waited patiently.

"I can't see how this will turn out," she eventually acceded. "I can't even see if you will find Laurent in Denali. There are too many variables. It seems like it's not going to be easy – Victoria's a tough one to pin down."

Alice whipped out her cell phone and dialed the Denali clan. I half-listened as she chatted lightly with Irina about this and that, subtly verifying that Laurent was still there with them. I was more focused on Jasper's reaction.

I could see he was considering the difficulties ahead. Finally, he nodded. He also had a faraway look in his eyes, but for a different reason. He was developing plans, logistic and strategic ones.

"You know Emmett will want to be in on this," he warned.

"I'm going alone," I stated flatly.

Alice frowned gently when she finally got off the phone.

"What is it?" Jasper asked.

She looked up with furrowed brows into his concerned expression. "Something's going on in Denali that we don't know about. It seems we're at a crossroads here, at least Edward is, and…something more? You'll have to be extra careful, Edward."

"I intend to be. There's too much riding on this." I closed my eyes and let the love I felt for Bella strengthen me. When I opened them slowly again, I felt more at peace than I had for months. Never again! I vowed silently. Never again will another vampire threaten your existence, Bella. I will see to that, if it is the last thing I do.

Originally, I had planned to go to Denali on foot – I was honestly looking forward to the time spent running, but fate interceded in a way I could not have expected.

Shortly before I had planned to leave, Rosalie cornered me in the hallway upstairs. She'd been avoiding me since the day of the family meeting, obviously still upset with my choice.

"Edward, can you come down to the garage? I want to show you something." She spoke sharply, and then turned on her heel and marched quickly away, downstairs and out of the house again.

Idiot! I heard from her retreating thoughts. I sighed. I didn't really expect otherwise from her these days.

After some unnecessary stalling, I did as she asked. I wasn't really looking forward to whatever lecture she had planned for me, and tried to convince the others to join me. Only Alice came along, and the whole way there, she was concentrating very hard on exciting battles in Chinese Naval history, again effectively shutting me out. I decided to be patient – not that I had any real choice in the matter.

I opened the door to the garage and found Rosalie sitting quietly on the hood of my Aston-Martin, her thoughts tense and irritated, but also a bit…pleased with herself?

"You know I don't approve of this idiotic plan of yours, but it's obvious I'm not going to convince you to give up on it. It's amazing how incredibly stubborn you are when you want to be." She jumped off, and opened up the hood.

This seemed a prime example of the pot calling the kettle black, but I wasn't going to mention it when she had her able hands in my favorite engine.

Rosalie connected a few cables I hadn't seen in there previously, but before I could get a closer look, she closed the hood again. She straightened and continued, "So, if you're going anyways, you might as well go with the best equipment available." She flung the keys to Alice, who caught them easily and broke into a giant smile, the first I'd seen on Alice's face since I'd arrived. "Go ahead and show him what she can do," Rosalie amended, already on her way out.

I turned to watch Rosalie as she departed. She turned back towards me one more time, and her eyes and expression tightened. "Edward, come home again," she requested quietly. She sucked in a deep breath, and then she was out of sight.

I stayed rooted in my spot with my mouth hanging open. I wasn't exactly certain what had just happened there.

Alice was already in the driver's seat. She stuck her head out of the window, and called to me, "Oh, come on and get in already! I'd really like to get a chance to try this out myself before you run off with it."

Still bemused, I did as she asked.

We tore about the Finger Lakes region for hours before we had tried out all of the newly installed features. Rosalie had taken it upon herself to turn the Aston-Martin into the proverbial "James Bond" car. She'd re-configured the engine specifically for withstanding high-speed chases, modified the suspension for extended off-road driving, and loaded up the console with sophisticated tracking and communications gear. Vampires tended to stay off the grid, but you never knew when you might want the latest satellite imagery to help you in chasing them down over unknown terrain. With its new features, the Aston-Martin would be incredibly useful to me. It would never be the same car I'd loved before, but I couldn't find it in myself to care.

I wanted to say thank you, but Rosalie had taken off on an extended trip almost immediately, undoubtedly to avoid seeing me again before I left. As I packed gear into the Vanquish, Emmett tried to explain why.

"Well, you know Rose," he mumbled. "It's not always easy for her to tell people that she cares for them, and you…well you're the hardest of them all. She's never really known where she stands with you."

"What do you mean?" I asked, pulled momentarily from my task to gaze at Emmett's uncomfortable face. Rosalie had always been my sister. I'd never thought of her in any other way. She felt the same – that much had always been clear between us.

"I don't really get it myself - she's amazing! I mean, she just takes my breath away…." Emmett trailed off, a distant look in his eyes. I waited while Emmett pulled himself together enough to continue. "So I don't know why she should be so insecure at times." He shook his head, and then gazed at me quizzically. "Somehow, you seem to bring out that insecurity in her, more than anyone else. I'm not certain how or why, but it seems like it's gotten worse recently."

I did have an idea of why that was the case, but I wasn't going to share it with Emmett. Now more than ever I owed Rosalie her privacy. It was the least I could do.

I was ready a bit early due to Rosalie's efforts. My last bit of gear stowed, Emmett went off to fetch Alice and Jasper. Before I could depart, I would have to say goodbye to my family again, which wouldn't be easy. I squared my shoulders, and headed up to Carlisle's study to let him know it was time.

He was sitting at his desk, pouring over an old tome, but he glanced up immediately when I came in. He sighed wearily, and fixed me with a look that was way too old for his young face. I will miss you, son. More than you know. Take care of yourself…and come back to us someday. He got up from behind his desk, and came around to put his hand on my shoulder.

It was almost word-for-word what Carlisle had said to me when I'd left the first time, stubbornly rebelling against him in my early days. I gazed into the kind eyes of my father, and I knew I was hurting him again, just like the first time. Whether I killed 200 human criminals or one murderous vampire, it was still wrong to him. I was sorry I had to hurt him, but like the first time, in this moment it just didn't matter to me.

"I'll be careful, I promise." It was an easy promise to make. I wouldn't do anything rash now – now that I had a reason to survive. I wanted desperately to be around long enough to accomplish Victoria's death. After that, things got a little less certain, but I wasn't thinking that far ahead.

He just nodded, and his hand dropped, letting me go. He gestured for me to lead the way.

Down the stairs and inside the front door, Esme was waiting for me. She drew me into a fierce hug, and then pulled back to look into my eyes. She didn't dare say anything, but her hand reached up to touch the side of my face, and she managed a gentle smile.

I captured her hand in my own, and gave it a lingering squeeze, conveying in that one gesture my love for her. Then she too dropped her hand from me. I headed down the final set of stairs to the car, alone.

Jasper, Alice, and Emmett all gathered around me in the driveway.

"Remember to download positional data to the main computer daily..." Jasper continued on for a bit, still confirming our mission plans.

He intended to keep track of my whereabouts from a kind of operations center he'd set up in my old bedroom. That way he would know if I needed reinforcements or re-supply. In some ways, he was back at war again, but a different kind of war – a very twenty-first century one, where the goal was to acquire and eliminate a specific hostile target. Despite himself, he found he was excited to be making battle plans again.

"Yeah, call us the moment you need help!" Emmett cheerfully intended to be the reinforcements I called for, and was really looking forward to it, now that his house was almost complete.

Edward…I love you. Please be safe. Alice mentally called, a little ways off.

I paused in the process of opening the car door. I turned and moved to her swiftly, pulling her into my embrace. Unlike the hug we'd shared when I came to Ithaca, I was again the strong one, and she was feeling a bit weak, worrying about a future she was unable or forbidden to see. She sagged into me for just a moment, and then she was firm on her feet again and pulling away. She kept her face averted from me, and after a moment's hesitation, I headed back to the car.

As I started the engine and put my hands on the steering wheel, I closed my eyes for just a moment, and pulled up the memory of Bella's face. It was the first time since I'd left Forks that I'd done so on purpose. For once, seeing it didn't hurt me – it strengthened me. I was on a quest to make this world safer for her, my beloved vision of warmth, kindness, and beauty, free from anything that would hurt her. I would not, could not, fail her!

I looked back as I drove down the long gravel driveway. Carlisle and Esme stood on the porch at the top of the stairs, arms around each other as if to share the others' strength. Similarly, Jasper had his arms around Alice in the middle of the driveway, holding her up as I had so recently done. Emmett stood alone, hands on his hips, a big smile smeared across his face. He waved. Then they all disappeared from my view, and I concentrated on the road in front of me more seriously.

I realized that having a purpose had given me the strength to face my existence without Bella again. I hadn't contemplated Italy once in the last few days.

© 2009 K. Snead; Editor, C. Burton