In Which Magenta Tastes Forbidden Fruit. Chapter 3. Kidneys and Bitchiness.


Magenta sat outside in the hospital's garden. A woman a few feet away smoked and read a magazine and a dog barked at the store nearby. Magenta looked at her hands, her black nail polish starkly contrasted with her unnaturally pale skin.

"Shit." She moaned to herself, "Brad, I miss you." Magenta was exhausted, she lay down on the bench and started to close her eyes...

...

When Magenta woke up it was raining heavily, and she was drenched. The dress she was borrowing from Columbia was saturated with rainwater, Columbia was two sizes larger than Magenta, but the hospital was late giving Magenta back her wash, and Columbia always liked squeezing into a size 3. Magenta was a 2. She dragged herself inside. The first thing she saw was Columbia shouting at someone around a corner, she went over to investigate...

"-And you can't just mahch in here and be an ahsshole, even if he does desahve it, do you know heow Mage- Magenta! Will please tell this ahsshole to screw ohff!" Magenta looked around the corner and saw...

...

...Brad looking completely terrified.

"Oh, God." Magenta exhaled, Brad smiled nervously, Magenta latched onto his mouth and stayed there. It was amazing.


Columbia came into Magenta's room the next night to find her sobbing into Brad's sweater with Frank stroking her hair.

"Gehnta? Are you okahy?" Magenta looked up, her eyeliner was streaming down her face,

"It's kidney failure. That's what it is."


Frank's acrylic nails flashed like little plastic searchlights as he flipped through the pamphlets Jonathan had supplied that mentioned kidney failure,

"Here's one." He declared, "You and Your New Kidney, That sounds right." Brad, who had been sulking miserably on the window-seat in the room, looked up from the bowl of cookie dough he had stolen from the hospital kitchen and was now shovelling into his mouth like he was starving. Columbia smacked the wall,

"Brad, can you just stahp? No-one here is innerested." Brad put down his bowl and retorted,

"As if anyone is interested in your deranged dance numbers every 10 minutes!" Columbia jumped up with a dangerous look in her eyes, and Frank grabbed her by the arm and held her back before she could cause Brad any extreme physical harm, Brad held up his bowl of cookie dough as if to protect himself from Columbia's dangerously sharp fingernails, not to mention the evil emerald ring that stung when it collided forcefully with one's head. Frank let go of Columbia's arm in case he broke a nail and she crashed into the shiny tile floor,

"A little healp?" She moaned, Brad grabbed her shirt collar and tugged her upright. Magenta couldn't take it anymore,

"Have you forgotten the problem?" She yelled, "Frank, read the pamphlet." Frank opened the pamphlet again,

"Okay, A kidney can be donated by anyone with the same blood type, Magenta, what blood type are you?"

"AB negative."

"Oh, that's cool, me too, anyway, side effects may include-"

"I DON'T WANNA KNOW!" Magenta shouted.

...

Frank abandoned his pamphlet reading after a while. Brad finished his bowl of cookie dough and was about to sulk down to the kitchen to get more when Magenta intervened,

"Brad, baby, you'll get fat." At this, Brad dragged his ass back to the window seat. Columbia slid dramatically off a chair.

"I'm booooooooooooaaahhed." Frank looked intruiged,

"Can I shoot you with my slingshot pen?"

"NO!" Brad whipped out his iPhone and turned on YouTube, for some reason he was watching Fred Goes Swimming, for which he had expressed hatred many times before.

"OOH, I LOVE FREE-ADD!" screeched Columbia, leaning over Brad's shoulder and staring at the screaming child on the tiny screen, "HA HA, THIS IS THE PAHRT WHERE HE FINDS THE PLAHSTIC SHAHRK IN THE POOL!" Columbia squealed in Brad's ear, Brad jumped and shoved Columbia into the edge of Magenta's bed. Frank tittered into a pamphlet on gender correction. Columbia sat down on the edge of Magenta's bed. Crossing her arms.

"Brad, I know you're pissed, as usual, but theat's no reason to tahke it owt on me." Columbia stated, trying to keep a straight face while looking at Frank picking at his acrylics and licking his lipstick off.


Magenta woke up the next morning feeling absolutely terrible. Frank was comatose on the chair a few feet away from Magenta's bed, and Columbia was strewn across his lap. Brad was still on the window seat. Columbia sneezed and opened her eyes,

"Genta, you awake arready? You should rest more."

"You should brush your hair, it's in a rat's nest again." Magenta took her compact from her bedside table and looked at her own hair. There was less than before, probably the chemotherapy. Magenta started to brush what was left of it, Jonathan said it was unlikely she would be completely bald, her hair was thick and long. The hair clumps in her hairbrush were astounding. Columbia attempted to flatten her hair,

"Would you vote Frank nicest ahss of the 21st ceantury?"

"Ew, no, why?"

"Becawse I wouald. What do you see in Brahd, anyway?"

"Why are you in a love triangle with Jonathan and Frank?"

"Becawse they're both good kissers." Frank opened his eyes and starting screaming,

"WHY AM I IN A HIDEOUS ROOM?" He pointed an accusatory finger at Brad, who was lying precariously on the window-seat, "I BET THAT UPTIGHT ASSHOLE DID IT! Y'know, I never liked him..." A few joints fell out of the pocket in Frank's jacket,

"Omygahd, Frank, is that mary-wanna?"

"Yeah, I roll 'em myself." Columbia held out her hand,

"Loight it, Frahnk."


Brad woke up a minute later to find everyone else in the room high, even Magenta. Columbia had Frank's emergency eyeliner up her nose on the ground, Frank was chewing a pamphlet like an animal, and Magenta was dangling off the side of her bed, snickering.

"Y'know what I wanna do-" Magenta slurred, "I wanna get Jonathan in here and crack his nuts." Frank screamed and spat out a chunk of paper,

"YOU'D BE LIKE A SWIRELL! Sweak, sweak, crackin' up da nutties... mwahehehe..."

"Hey Fraggie Eryoufrum Minna-soda?" Columbia squealed,

"Whatchu axin' that forrrr?" Frank hiccupped and burst into peals of laughter.

"Cuz peeble frum Minna-soda, y'know whathey doe?" Columbia thrashed on the ground, "Yer eating papper! And Magenna's all crackin' Jonna-thing's nutzzz..."

"No, Clummya, I sed I'za grack hiz knubs, just tell the teapot t'shut up arredy!"


"Whoy the crahp did ya pearents hafta come to my sihster's house?" Columbia griped as she set her sister's kitchen table.

"Because Magenta is living with you and I-" Brad stopped in mid-sentence.

"Spiht it owt."

"Ilivwimmaparritz."

"Whaht?"

"Ilimmimaparis."

"JUST SAY IHT, I AIN'T GONE HURTCHA!"

"I LIVE WITH MY PARENTS!" Columbia froze, then started to laugh, until she started coughing,

"WHAHT DOES THAHT CRAZY BITCH SEE IN YOU? HA HA HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Stop laughing, you stupid floozy. I was in an economic downfall and Janet had just dumped my ass."

"I shoulhd'nt be laughin', it's just so fuhnny! Whaht the screw is tahkin' Magenta so effin' long in thehre? It's ohbscene the way that girrl takes so lohng to change clothes."

In the guest room, Magenta thrashed her way into a tight red dress Columbia has sponsored. It was 175 dollars and was pretty much a knee-length red-silk push-up bra. After a few hours she had flattened her hair and gotten the stupid false eyelashes to stay on right. Columbia pounded madly on the door,

"MAHGEHNTA, FRAHNK'S HERE, I'MMA SAHY WE'RE DAHTING TO IHMPREHSS BRAHD'S PAREHNTS!"

"WHAT?"

"JUHST GO WIATH IHT!" Magenta growled into her lipstick,

"If that little man-whore embarrasses me, I'll kick his gender-confused ass." Magenta slammed the door open and Brad's eyes popped out of his head. Columbia ooh'ed and ahh'ed in her weird Jersey-type accent and a knock sounded on the door. Columbia answered- Frank was standing outside barely dressed.

"Oh my wahrd(oh my word in Columbia talk)..." moaned Columbia, "Frahnkie you wahre s'posesta dress normahl!"

"This is normal!"

"F'you it is. Put Brahd's jahcket ohn." Another knock sounded, the room froze,

"THEY'RE HERE!" whisper-screamed Magenta, "YOU KNOW THE ROUTINE!"

"WHAT ROUTINE?" whisper-screamed Brad a little louder,

"That's right... JUST DO ANYTHING!" Columbia skidded across the floor in her socks and almost knocked over a pricey vase, Frank leapt through the air and landed behind a couch, Brad tried to hide under a lamp, Magenta threw a napkin for some reason.

"YOO-HOO, IT'S ME, ANGIE! You invited us over..."

"AND DANIEL!" Frank let out a muffled scream from behind the couch, Brad put down the lamp, Columbia put some shoes on, Magenta picked up the napkin. Frank didn't budge. Magenta inched to the door, only to be body-checked by a Golden Retriever.

"DOHGGY!" screamed Columbia, sliding to stroke the fluffy dog.

"SPIT MACHINE!" screamed Frank from behind the sofa. Angie popped inside wearing about 39 dead animals, probably tigers, sewn together, Daniel was carrying a bottle of champagne and an expensive looking purse.

"Say hello to Vitamin A, the family dog." said Daniel,

"Brad, darling, you remember Vitamin A, don't you?"

"Yes mother."

"Brad was crushed when he had to leave Vitamin A to go off to college. He's a beautiful dog, isn't he? He's won dozens of ribbons for jumping, obedience, fetch, Oh, I can't even begin to list them all." Vitamin A licked Columbia's face, she squealed and snuggled him harder.

"Ma, Magenta's allergic to dogs." Brad said,

"Oh, no it's fine. Vitamin A is hypo-allergenic. See, Brad! I'm not as stupid as you think I am!" Brad sighed and went into the bedroom, Magenta followed him,

"Brad, I'm not allergic to dogs..."

"I'm just trying to get that mutt outta here! That dog is unhygienic! And I know for a fact he is so not hypo-allergenic, My ma just says that, it's like a placebo..."

"He's kinda cute... Columbia's the one who's allergic to dogs."

"She is?"

"It's awful. Her eyes get all red, and her nose starts running, and she coughs really loud- Oh no." Magenta ran into the living room with Brad close behind to find Vitamin A on top of Columbia, she was laughing her ass off. Frank was peeking out from behind the couch. Angie squealed and clicked over to the couch in her heels, She picked Frank up by the hair,

"WHAT ARE YOU?"

"I paid good money for that perm, you crazy old tart."

"He's my boyfreend!" screeched Columbia from the ground, "Weh're deeply an' pass-yinitly in lahve!"

"Okay..." said Frank, "We still do it. But, don't worry, I use protection," Angie looked disgusted, Columbia attempted fruitlessly to gloss it over,

"He meahns he hahs a gahn in a case in his hawse!"

"Yeah, the... family... gun, so if me and Columbia are doing it and someone breaks in I can-"

"AREN'T WE JUST LEARNING SO MUCH ABOUT EACH OTHER!" Magenta intervened before everything got completely out of hand, "Angie, Brad will take your cats- I mean, coat, that's what I meant, Brad, do it. Now. Please..."


About halfway into dinner Columbia started coughing, she was turning red.

"Dear, are you sick?" Angie inquired through a mouthful of everything she had crammed onto her fork, a crouton landed next to Vitamin A and he gobbled it with astounding ferocity, Columbia sneezed,

"Columbia!" Magenta whispered, jerking her head towards Columbia's bathroom,

"I wohn't be a sehcond..." Columbia wheezed, and ran to her bathroom,

"Is she okay?" Angie asked in a pretentious way,

"She's fine." said Brad, "She's just a little weird..." Frank started to suppress laughter, but Magenta kicked him under the table,

"Ow!" he growled through his teeth. Columbia popped out of the bathroom, coughing violently, Magenta excused herself and ran to very Columbia was,

"I cad't belieb Vidabin A did thizto bee..."

"Stay in here for the rest of the night."

"I have some Reactin in my purse, I also keep some in my pockets at all times, I love doggies!" Columbia's allergies seemed to have erased her weird Jersey-type accent. Columbia poured a few pills into her mouth,

"OH CHRIST!" Magenta screamed, "DON'T OD ON THEM!"

Back at the table, Frank was carrying on about something completely unrelated in any way to anything at all... Brad was looking horribly uncomfortable, and Daniel and Angie were almost passed out with boredom,

"Ma, Dad, you can leave now if you want." Angie, Vitamin A and Daniel stood up nervously, like Frank was going to strike any second,

"It was nice to finally get to know you better, Matilda,"

"MAGENTA." Brad whined,

"Oh, anyway, I do hope Columbia feels better tomorrow."

"We do, too. Leave, please." Brad whined again until they left, when they did, Brad collapsed against the door,

"THAT WAS HELL!" He screamed, "AND YOUUU!" Brad brandished a fork, pointing it at Frank, "IT WAS YOUR FAULT!"

"HOW WAS IT MY FAULT?"

"Everything's your fault!" Columbia popped out of the bathroom,

Imma go t'behd now... I'm tihred! You can leave now, Frahnk..."


"I think it went... nicely?"

"You're sugar-coating it again..." Brad moaned from the bed as Magenta unzipped her insanely tight dress and replaced it with one of Brad's t-shirts, something Brad had always found extremely sexy that Janet had never done. "Why did they bring that awful dog anyway?"

"You said you loved dogs..."

"Not that one, he's a biter, he bites people!" Magenta lay down next to Brad,

"What was Frank talking about while I was in the washroom with Columbia?"

"I don't know, and I don't care."


Brad woke up at about 2:00 am to find Magenta was still sleeping, when he looked close enough at her face, there were a few things you wouldn't notice if you were looking at her from a farther distance, things Brad didn't notice before. Her nose looked like it had been broken several times, and there was scar on her bottom lip right in the middle, she had so many tiny scars on her face it made Brad wonder what Frank had done to her when she was still working for him. Magenta opened her eyes,

"You're staring at me..." she smiled, she pulled the blankets tighter over the two of them and...

...

The next day, Magenta was re-admitted to the hospital, she had passed out a few times, once in the shower, and twice in public, all three times covered in blood, but for now, she was asleep in her hospital bed, and Brad was trying to look for anything he might have missed during the last time they had made love. He found copious whip marks on her back and chest, a burn scar in her neck, and a few scars from stitches in various places. Why did he love looking at imperfections on people he thought were perfect? Magenta opened her eyes,

"What're you doing?"

"Nothing..."

"If you want to grope me, you can just ask..."

"WHAT?"

"God, I was kidding." Magenta sat up and got out of bed, but as soon as she stood up she blanched and ran into the bathroom.


"Clinical relapse." said Jonathan, "You're a hard case, Alvarado..." Jonathan took off his pair of clear sunglasses and made a Rodin-Thinker-type pose in the chair next to Magenta's bed, Magenta, Brad, and Frank stared at him, unimpressed, Columbia hopped in a circle and clapped like a psycho,

"Wow, I'm totally getting why she calls you Dr Power-Trip now..." Frank said without taking his eyes off the reflection in his compact, "Mmm, I'm a sexy biatch!"

"Magenta! You don't think I'm like that, do you?"

"What, a sexy biatch or whatever he was talking about, after living with him for a year I learned how to block out his voice..."

"No! On a power trip!"

"Well, see, you kind of are..."

"Brad?"

"Screw off, Jon." Jonathan jumped back in fake shock, Columbia ran behind him, squealing, Magenta and Brad went back to making out, Frank sat down on the window seat and dialed Lucille's number on his phone...

"Hey, Jessica? I'm in Magenta's room, can you come over? I don't have anybody to make out with, all these effin' happy couples, No, Magenta does NOT have a spare pair of lace tights, just borrow mine! They're in the car! Bye, my little slut-muffin..." Frank made a kissing sound into the phone that was so sugary Brad almost died of hyperglycemia.

"Frank?" said Magenta, "Her name is Lucille. Not Jessica."

"I just call her that, that sweet little slutmuffin, I love her so much, You know, I bet she's the only woman in the universe with a-"

"DON'T SAY IT!" screamed Brad, "Good Lord, man, does your entire life revolve around sex?"

"Is that a trick question? Because some would say, yes, it does, I'm one of those people." Brad made a loud sound of disgust and slammed his head, intentionally, against the greyish-blue wall.

"Okay, let's ditch the small talk and skip on back to the topic at hand..."

"Jonathan, talking like that doesn't make you seem any cooler, you will always suck." said Brad,

"BAHSTARD!" Columbia screamed, launching herself across Magenta's bed, Magenta screamed and Brad's chair flipped backwards,

"Jesus, Columbia!" Brad barked, "You're gonna kill someone."


Brad woke up to violent coughing, Frank was across the room with his hands over his mouth, stifling screams,

"AH, EEEW!" Frank gasped screechily, "That's just GROSS!" Magenta was laying in bed, coughing blood again, her body jerking with every cough, Brad screamed at Frank,

"YOU GODDAMN TWAT!"

"SCREW YOU!"


Magenta was in a half-coma-type thing again, Brad was pretty sure Jonathan was injecting her with morphine every five minutes. She was leaning on a stack of strategically placed pillows because the tilting feature on her bed was broken because Columbia thought it was fun to play with when Magenta was in dialysis and she had broken it. Magenta jerked suddenly and began to cough again, the blood was coming up, the spasm staining most of the room red, this time she was sobbing, Brad ran to her, holding her,

"Oh, baby, ssh, it's okay, I'm here." Brad soothed, rubbing her back as she vomited blood down his chest,

"It hurts..." Magenta choked out like a little girl,

"I know, love, I know," Brad tried to comfort her but the blood kept on spilling out, Brad's skin was stained with blood and tears, finally Magenta stopped coughing and fell back onto her bed, exhausted and trembling, Frank slid to the floor, his face was completely white.

"Brad, can you get my sweater please?" Magenta breathed, Brad took the black sweater off a chair and laid it on her gently, sitting next to her and holding her hand. He leaned down to kiss her pale face, her blood-stained lips, he helped her sit up and slowly poured a glass of water into her mouth,


2 days later-

Magenta sat up in bed, her hair was pulled back, the bright, dark red stood out against her ashen face, she was wearing glasses, Frank said she had worn them up until the time she was 16, then she started wearing contacts, but now that her hands were shaking, she couldn't stick a finger in her eye without possibly scratching her cornea. Brad and Frank had left the room to give her and Columbia time alone before another dialysis.

"Are you okay?" said Frank, staring at Brad, "You look pissed..."

"I am pissed."

"Why?" Brad sat up sharply from his sprawled position in the padded hospital chair,

"Frank, I know you have as much compassion in your whole body as a brick has intelligence, so I'll put this in terms that you can understand, MY GIRLFRIEND HAS A VERY AGGRESSIVE FORM OF BLOOD CANCER, AND POSSIBLY LYMPHOMA, THAT'S WHY I'M FUCKING PISSED!"

"Well so does mine." Frank snapped, "But you don't see me screaming and talking about bricks."

"Lucille's in remission!" Jonathan exited Magenta's room, pushing Magenta's wheelchair, her eyes were staring glassily into space behind her thick glasses, Columbia walked next to her, arms linked with Jonathan, Brad stood up and ran over to the three of them,

"How are you?" Brad said, leaning over to kiss Magenta,

"Better..." Her lip gloss tasted good... Columbia attached herself to Magenta's IV pole, Magenta inched over in her wheelchair, Jonathan smiled nervously,

"I'll just be going now... Have fun in dialysis, girls."

"Are you crahzy? There ain't nothin' good abouht dialysis, I lahve you!" Columbia squealed and leapt onto Jonathan, pulling away after a few seconds, "Woo-ee, I thihnk I'hm turned ahn!" Brad shuddered and Magenta stifled laughter. "Bye-Bye Jahnny!" Columbia took Magenta's wheelchair and ran down the hall riotously, almost running right over a 13-year old with a broken arm.

"That woman-" said Frank, "Should be locked up somewhere."

"Maybe the same place as you, my friend..."


Brad lifted Magenta out of her wheelchair and laid her down slowly, He had moved her bed closer to the window, the outskirts of Denton never really had any nightlife, besides people screaming until the sun came up at the castle, and Magenta had missed Transexual, which was much like earth in many ways, most of the cities were like NYC,

"Wake me if you need anything."

...

Magenta stayed on the phone all night, gossiping with Columbia like a 14year old girl, Brad just wished she'd go the hell to sleep...

"They had, like, a Vegas wedding or something, yeah, like that, what a slut! Yeah, totally. It's disgusting, it's disgusti- no, why? Oh, okay... Bye!" Magenta hung up and threw her phone carelessly onto Brad's tired head,

"Ow..." he moaned. There was probably a mark the exact size and shape of a Blackberry forming on his forehead right now... Brad could see Magenta's shocked silhouette in the light of the city and the window,

"Brad?" she said, "Are you okay? Can I have my phone back, please?" Brad tossed the phone a few feet, it landed in one of his Converse. If Brad knew one thing about hot, sexy invalids like Magenta, it was that they didn't get out of bed to get their phones, but there are exceptions for everything, and Magenta reached down, picked up her phone, and started texting Columbia, then speaker-phone-gossiping, Brad never thought he'd ever have to go to sleep to the sound of a screechy Jersey-type accent, he was wrong.