DISCLAIMER: The only things I own are mad, rampaging mutant creatures and the coolest Converse high-tops EVER.

A/N: Hello again! I find that this chapter is quite different from all my other ones, mostly because I was younger, and less mature, and much less experienced. I'm pretty happy with this chapter actually, so tell me what you think. Love it? Hate it? Needs improvement? Constructive Criticism is welcomed!

Previously: "Ah, come now Moony, you know you won't." Sirius the git was back it seemed. "Yes I will. Just watch me."

Chapter Three

Herman the Violent Dooster

"You will not."

"Yes I will."

"Awwwwwww, Mooners, you wouldn't REALLY bite your best friend would you?" Sirius adjusted a rather horrid looking fruit basket type hat on his head.

"Yes I would." Remus continued, ignoring the lovely accessory Sirius had pulled out of his bag. "Especially since that so-called best friend got me into trouble, and now that so-called best friend will get me out of it, otherwise I will bite that so-called best friend at the next full moon." Remus hissed.

Sirius's eyes widened gleefully. "Oooooooo, Prongsie, did you hear that?" He turned around to speak to James, "Moony's gonna bite you at the next full moon," Who, unfortunately, was nowhere to be found.

"Prongsie? PRONGS? WHERE ARE YOU?" He shouted down the hallway. "PRONGS, YOU BETTER NOT BE WANDERING THE HALLWAYS AGAIN PISS-DRUNK WITHOUT ANY PANTS ON WHEN I FIND YOU!"

"Sirius! When has James ever 'wandered the hallways piss drunk without any pants on?'" Remus hissed, going slightly pink at the amount of students staring at them as they passed by.

Sirius smirked at Remus. "Ah, but you see, he has. You just don't remember. Besides, he needs to be warned that you're going to bite him, that'll just make him run back to us with his antlers between his testicles. Sheesh, Moony, and you call yourself the SMART ONE?"

Remus's jaw dropped. "I'm not going to bite him; I'm going to bite you, you bloody git." He said trying to keep his temper under control.

Sirius jaw dropped. "You- you- you're- gonna- gonna- BITE ME?" His stormy grey eyes went as wide as saucers, and his face went into pout mood. His lower lip trembled, and so did his hat.

"Oh no," Remus whispered, sensing a full-blown Sirius tantrum. "No, it's okay Padfoot, don't lose control, calm down, I didn't-"

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!" Sirius wailed.

"No, no, please, Sirius, stop it, people are staring," Remus said desperately. "Oh, come on, I didn't mean it, calm down Sirius, stop it! Padfoot, PEOPLE ARE STARING!"

In fact, people were staring. A group of fifth year girls had stopped short in the hallway, their jaws on the floor.

"Is that Sirius Black howling?" one girl with pink knee socks whispered.

"So…..hot." her friend whispered.

"I know. Do you reckon he's like that in bed?"

"Oh what I wouldn't give to be able to answer that question….."

"And the hat. It brings out his eyes, don't you think?"

They continued to their next class giggling.

Poor Remus, his fruitless attempts at calming Sirius were saved by a loud crash of metal on marble floor.

"EEEEEEEP!"

"Oh Bloody Merlin, Wormtail….." Remus moaned, distressed by the proximity of his two friends landing in permanent wards at St. Mungo's.

"I'm alright, I'm fine, no need to worry about me," Peter squeaked, his efforts at untangling himself from the ruined suit of armor rather useless.

Remus sighed; muttering something about being the mother hen of the group, he picked Peter up by the armpits, causing another lovely symphony of the Armor Metals featuring the Groaning Pettigrew.

"Thanks…" Peter wheezed. "Remus, Lily is going to-

"WORMY!" Sirius sobbed dramatically, running over to Peter, grabbed him by his still dusty robes. "Wormy, Moony wants to bite me!" Sirius sobbed into Peter's robes.

"Shut up, Sirius! Peter's trying to tell me something!" This resulted in a hard kick aimed at Remus's shin.

"Er- does he now? She'll be-

"AND HE WANTS TO TURN ME INTO A GREAT BIG HAIRY WEREWOLF!"

"Erm-nice hat you've got there?"

"Sirius, shut up! We're in a populated area!" said an exasperated Remus, rubbing his shin, silently cursing Sirius for the bruise he was going to get.

"How DARE you tell me to shut up you uncaring, mean, unkind piece of rotten apple pie!"

"Rotten apple pie?"

"Remus! Lily Evans is going to-"

"It tastes bad, and so do YOU Mooners!" Sirius ignored Peter's frantic whispers.

"I'm not food, you can't possibly know if I taste good or bad." Sirius had evidently distracted Remus from a more important matter.

"Yes, but you will if you bite me, and then I'll bite you, and I won't be Sirius-Black-the-sex-god. I'll be Sirius-Black-the-great-big-ugly-werewolf-who-likes-to-bite-like-count-dracula!" Sirius wailed.

"THAT'S BLOODY RIDICULOUS!" Remus finally lost control of his temper, grabbing Sirius by his arm. "Come on, move it. Let's get to class before I …"He trailed off as he caught sight of an all too familiar flash of red hair.

"See, I keep trying to tell you, Lily thinks that-" Peter had clearly given up trying to finish a sentence with Sirius around.

"Black!" Lily Evans growled, too angry to notice the fashion statement Sirius was sporting. "I know you're part of this; now tell me before I decide that I don't want a perfect record. Where's. My. Bloody. Book bag?" She held her wand under Sirius's chin, ready to hex him at any given moment.

"Eh?" Sirius's eyes roamed downwards, widening as he took sight of the slight piece of wood pointed at him.

"My book bag. The durable satchel that I use to carry around my notes, books, and quills. Where did you put it?" She hissed.

"What?" His eyes never left the wand.

She wacked him upside the head.

"Erm, Lily," Remus interrupted, figuring he should stop Lily from giving Sirius a mangled nose. "I suggest you don't do that. Sirius really can't afford to lose any more brain cells."

Sirius looked up at him. "What?"

"Congratulations Black," Lily said sarcastically. "You have finally expanded your vocabulary to two words." Considering it safe, she removed her wand.

Sirius visibly relaxed. "No, no, no, dear Lilykins, I have an amazingly vast vocabulary. I was just momentarily blinded by you extreme beauty."

Lily raised an eyebrow.

"Now, MOONERS-"Sirius began choking as a small yellow object flew into his open mouth. "QUACK!"

"Excuse-me?" Remus wrinkled his nose.

"QUACK!"

"Bloody Merlin," Peter's eyes were as wide as the moon.

"QUACK, QUACK, COCKIDOODLEDOOOOOOOOOO!" Sirius jumped up flapping his arms like a bird and waddling across the hallway, looking quite ridiculous with his attempt to accessorize with fruit.

"Sirius, are you feeling alright?"

"QUACK! CUCKLE CUCKLE COCKIDOODLEDOOOOOO! Moony! Help me- QUACK! QUACK! QUACK!"

"Help you quack? You're doing fine just on your own, Padfoot," Remus said, amused.

"COCK-E-DOODLE-DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" His voice sprang up three octaves.

"Now, that is called hitting an impressive high note." James rubbed his ears.

"Shut up QUACK!"

"Quack, I don't think I've ever met him," James mused, tapping his wand against his chin. "Nice hat by the way, Padfoot. Those lumps of grey really bring out your eyes."

"You little QUACK COKADOODLE QUACK QUACK!" Sirius lunged at James while flapping his arms, knocking him and a suspicious pink book bag to the floor.

"Language Padfoot." James laughed, enjoying the view of Black a la Duck Pond despite his pounding head.

"Moo-QUACK QUACK QUACK!" Sirius wailed, picking himself up off the floor, and continued waddling his way back to Remus.

"Oh for Merlin's sake!" Lily huffed, grabbing Sirius by the collar.

"Quack?"

Lily smacked the back of Sirius's neck.

"QUACK!" Sirius yelled in pain.

"Oh stop your bloody complaining you idiot! I'm trying to help you." Lily said, smacking the back of Sirius's neck a few more times for good measure.

"COKA-BLEH!" Something of a weird cross between a duck and a rooster popped out of Sirius's mouth, performing a few impressive air flips before landing on the stone floor.

"Herman!" Lily yelped in surprise.

"Herman?" Four male voices repeated, this time a question.

"My pet." Lily answered, kneeling down and offering her palm to the mutant creature.

Herman responded by evidently frowning at Lily and waddled his way to Sirius, his overly large red comb flapping wildly.

"Herman! Where are you going? Come to Mummy!" Lily cried, crawling across the floor.

"Oh bloody hell; your mutant creature is in love with me!" Sirius yelled as Herman tried to climb his shoe.

"He is not a mutant creature, and he is not in love with you!" Lily cried. "Herman, come back here!"

"Hmph. Mummy. I will not be a father to that talon-possessed creature." James muttered under his breath, crossing his arms and narrowing his eyes.

"COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOOOO!" Herman crowed, obviously pleased with himself, now seated on Sirius's shoe.

"I vaguely remember reading somewhere that roosters crow to mark their territory," Remus mused.

"OH NOW THAT'S JUST GREAT! NOW I'M THE TERRITORY OF A BLOODY DOOSTER?" Sirius wailed.

"A dooster?" Peter questioned.

"I think he means duck slash rooster." James answered back.

"Shut up, Black! He belongs to me! I created him!"

"YOU SLEPT WITH A DUCK AND A ROOSTER AT THE SAME TIME?"

"No, you idiot! He used to be a toy! And I cast a spell on him so he would be a living creature!"

"Oh, bloody smart, Evans. You made him a living creature so he could try to KILL ME!"

"It's not my fault! If Potter hadn't stolen my book bag, he wouldn't have jumped out!" Lily rounded on James.

"So you noticed eh?" James said nervously, trying to nudge the said book bag with his foot behind a pillar.

"YOU! If you hadn't stolen my book bag, Herman wouldn't be under the impression that Sirius is his Mummy!" Lily jabbed James several times in the chest with her finger.

"WHAT?"

Lily sighed. "I guess being in your throat gave him the impression that he was in an egg, and now you're his mother. He thinks I'd stolen him from-"

"What a stupid dooster."

"Excuse-me?" Lily narrowed her eyes at Sirius, offended that he would call her creation stupid. "I honestly don't think you have the right to be calling, anyone, or anything stupid when you're wearing fruit basket on your head."

Sirius scoffed. "This is all the rage in Paris, thank you very much."

"Looking like a flock of blind and retarded monkeys have been using your head as their own personal toilet is the rage?"

Sirius gasped dramatically. "You did not just insult my fruit basket! Say sorry to my fruit basket!"

"I am NOT going to apologize to your MONKEY TOILET!"

"SAY IT! OR I WILL SPREAD WORD THAT YOU ENJOY BEING RAMPAGED BY ROOSTERS AND DUCKS!"

"I DON'T GIVE A BLOODLY OWL'S HOOT! I just want my Herman back!" Lily wailed

"And get to class?" James added hopefully, ignoring Sirius.

"I HAVE A FREE PERIOD! If I didn't, do you think I'd be standing here talking to you idiots?" Lily retorted. "Now, Herman, honey, if you don't come with me now, I will leave you to these people." Her sweet voice was dripping with malice.

Herman responded by looking pointedly over at Lily, ruffled his yellow feathers, and expertly peed on Sirius's shoe.

"OH MY DEAR SWEET PINK UNDERPANTS! IT'S LEAKING!"

"I think Herman made his choice here." James laughed.

Lily's hopeful face melted into something of anger in a span of a second. "Fine," She spat. "Just fine. Forget who brought you into this world, you fowl, ungrateful creature!" She whirled on her heel and stalked towards James. She stood at a standstill in front of him, looking close to tears.

James smiled and opened his arms hopefully, expecting a hug. Lily narrowed her eyes and slapped instead.

"I WANT MY BLOODY BOOK BAG, NOT A STUPID HUG POTTER!" She screamed at him, looking closer to tears than ever.

"Erm-Here?" James held up the fuzzy pink book bag which clashed horribly with her red hair as she grabbed from him, and stalked off.

"Nice going prongs," Sirius said sarcastically, "Now I'll NEVER figure out why she hates you so much."

"Sirius, there is a dooster trying to nest in your hat. Stop wriggling around so much." Remus said

"I do not wriggle, I merely-THERE'S A WHAT NESTING IN MY HAT?"

"A dooster. You know, Herman the dooster?"

"OH MY GEESE! GET IT OFF, GET IT OFF!" Sirius jumped around wildly, trying to shake poor Herman off his hat. "He can't ruin my hat, it cost me half of the gold in my Gringotts vault!"

"Sirius, don't be ridiculous!" Remus grabbed the rather distressed dooster from said hat, petting it affectionately before setting it on the floor. Herman thanked him by poking a hole in his finger. "GAH!"

"Phew," Sirius wiped the imaginary sweat off his forehead. "That was close; I don't have enough gold to buy myself another one."

"Buy yourself? You stole this one from Dumbledore's office the last time we were there you git." James reached out to grab Herman.

"I didn't steal, I am borrowing it." Sirius scoffed, holding his chin up.

"And when exactly are you planning to return it?

"Return?" Sirius looked as shocked as he sounded.

"Yes, Sirius, when you borrow something, you must return it."

"When have I ever returned the chocolate I've borrowed from Moony?"

"You ATE all of my chocolate?" Remus momentarily stopped sucking on the blood spewing on his finger to yell at Sirius.

"I never said I ate your chocolate, I said I borrowed it!" Sirius yelled back. "Why is your finger bleeding?"

"Because your bloody dooster thought it would be funny to peck a hole in it!"

"MY dooster! Since when is it mine?" Sirius retorted.

"Since you decided to swallow it!"

"I didn't SWALLOW it, it JUMPED DOWN MY THROAT!"

"For your information, an object will not go down the human throat unless the human in question voluntarily relaxes their throat muscles! Therefore, you willingly tried to eat Lily's dooster didn't you?"

Sirius went pink in the face. "I thought it was a chicken wing, OKAY?"

"AH! YOU BLOODY DOOSTER! WHY'D YOU DO THAT FOR?" Apparently, James had decided pull at Herman's wattle, causing Herman to kick at James's face.

"SEE?" Sirius yelled, pointing at the mutant bird, "He should be put down! He is causing all of us pain! We should cook him over a roasting fire and season him with salt and pepper!"

"Sirius, we are not going to eat your pet." Remus said from bandaging his finger.

"HE IS NOT MY OLD UNCLE BRIEFS PET!"

"Well, be reasonable. Lily clearly doesn't want him anymore, and you're the only one he hasn't hurt yet. And we really can't leave him running around the castle."

"NO!"

Remus ignored Sirius. "Just err- be careful while in your animagus form. You might try to eat him."

Sirius brightened up instantly. "Good idea Moony."

Remus sighed and shook his head. "That was not a suggestion. That was a warning."

"Do I look like I care?"

"Ugh, Padfoot, just take him. He can't be all that bad." James said.

"Why don't YOU keep him?" Sirius retorted, crossing his arms over his chest.

James raised an eyebrow, and walked purposefully towards Herman. "Come along Herman. Daddy's got a nice treat for you." He cooed as he knelt down to pick him up by the neck.

However, before her had the chance to, Herman spun around, his comb flapping, and fixed a beady eye on James.

"QUACK! COCKADOODLEDOOOOOOOOOO!" Herman jumped, attaching himself to James's face by hooking each of his webbed feet around James's nose.

"!"

Peter toppled over his own feet in shock.

"OB BA BERLIN!" James screamed, quite unable to breathe as Herman began frantically pecking the skin on the bridge of his nose, knocking his spectacles askew in the process. "GET BIS BOBSTER OFF OB BEE! OUCH!"

Remus grabbed Herman's neck and began pulling him away from James, but those webbed feet had locked themselves in James's nostrils.

Sirius began giggling hysterically.

"Sirius! Shut up and help me!"

"And why should I Moony?" Sirius asked slyly.

"Because your stupid dooster is trying to kill your best friend!"

"GAH, IB HURBS!" Was James's response. "HELB BEE!"

"You didn't have that same reaction when it tried to kill ME!" Sirius jabbed a finger at his chest. "Ouch. That hurt." He muttered to himself.

"Oh for MERLIN'S SAKE! You were quacking like a duck and crowing like a rooster AT THE SAME TIME! What would you have done if it were me?"

"I would have laughed my arse off and tell stories to Minnie about the bloke who lost his mind." Sirius said proudly. "Oh wait," He trailed off, looking dejected.

"EXACTLY! NOW STUN THE BLOODY ANIMAL!"

"I CAB BREEEEEEEEEED!" James yelled back, looking quite purple.

"Oh! Help him Sirius!" Peter squeaked, looking quite petrified.

"Right." He whipped out a rather bent looking wand. "Stupefy!"

Herman slumped backwards; making it look like James had just snorted him out. Remus gently pried his webbed feet from James's nostrils, and James let out a deep breath.

"Ahhhhhhhhh," He sighed in relief, and then winced as his hand touched the deep scratches Herman had made. "That, Sirius, is why I can't take Herman for myself."

Sirius sighed, and grabbed Herman from Remus's hand. He narrowed his eyes as he took in the un-conscious figure. "You better not give me any trouble, you dooster. You hear me?" He poked him with his bent wand, and he promptly dumped him in his hat. "Sweet dreams Herman."

"What's up with the bent wand?" Remus asked, straightening his robes.

Sirius smirked. "The result of doing naughty things to that sexy Ravenclaw in the fourth floor broom closet."

"Oh no," James moaned. "That's the broom cupboard I always imagined spending the night with Lily."

Sirius's smirk grew more pronounced. "Oh ho! So you admit you have dirty fantasies about a devious red head in our year!"

Peter's brow furrowed. "Abigail Woodbine?"

Sirius gasped. "Prongs! You've been deceiving us! You said you loved Lily!"

"Oh sweet grandmother's apple pie," Remus hit his palm to his face. "Since when has Abigail been a natural red head? She was a blond last week remember? And a brunette the week before that."

"OH HO!" Sirius yelped happily.

"Ho ho ho ho ho," James muttered under his breath, looking dejected.

"What?" Remus asked.

"Since when do you notice a certain Hufflepuff's hair colour? I think Mooners is IN LURRRRRRVE!" Sirius yelled.

"Quack?" Herman questioned, awake again.

"Oh Hermy! You're awake! Did you hear the news? MOONY IS IN LOVE!"

"QUACK!" Herman responded.

"Yes, I agree!"

Remus looked pointedly at Sirius. "She's in Ravenclaw."

"OH HO!"

"Sirius, I swear, if you say that one more bloody time-"

"QUACK QUACK COCK-I-DOODLE-DOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Herman jumped up happily, pleased to find himself in Sirius's hat.

"SHUT UP HERMAN!"

"Quack." Herman said dangerously.

"That's right Herman." Sirius cooed, "Show Uncle Moony your lurrrrve."

"Right. Sorry." Remus apologized, his blue eyes flashing, clearly pissed.

"Erm, gentleman?" James pulled at his collar.

"What?" Three voiced shouted, one agitated, one cunning, and one amazed.

"BOYS!" McGonagall's voice reached them like sharp knives, her emerald robes swished around her feat as she turned around the corner.

"Ah, Hullo Minnie!"

"What, exactly, do you four think you are doing?" Her lips were as thin as a pencil line. "And what, exactly, Mr. Black, is on top of your head?

"A fruit basket hat, DUH. It's all the rage, in Paris, haven't you heard?" Sirius boasted proudly.

"No, that. That mutant cross animal." She pointed at Herman, who in turn ruffled his comb and quacked a few times as if to prove the professors' point.

"Well, see Professor, that was what we were trying to figure out," Remus stuttered nervously. "Li-"

"We-found-him-lurking-the-hallways-and-he-had-a –broken-wing-so we-thought-we-would-take-care-of-him-until-he-becomes-better." James finished in a rush, glaring at Remus.

"Oh?" McGonagall narrowed her eyes suspiciously. "And may I see his broken wing?" She reached out to grab him, but Sirius clutched his hat, and sprang back.

"NO!"

"Excuse-me?" She looked rather taken back.

"Er- um," Sirius looked rather flustered, "You see-"

"He's a violent creature. He likes to chomp." Peter squeaked miming chomp.

"YES!" Sirius yelled, looking relieved.

"He's a chomper alright." Remus agreed nervously.

"Yes!" Sirius grabbed Remus's bandaged finger and James's scratched up nose and pulled them toward McGonagall's face, much to many protests from the victims in question.

"Yeb, violeb creature he ib." James, said, his nose clogged up, and wincing in pain everytime Sirius pulled at his nose, to give McGonagall different angles of the bleeding scratches to look at.

"Yes he is." Remus said unconvincingly. "Ouch, Sirius, my finger is not silly putty. You cannot twist it backwards over itself."

"Are you sure about that?" Distracted, Sirius attempted to prove Remus wrong.

"YEOW!"

"Oh. Oops. Sorry Mooners."

"Hmph." McGonagall adjusted her square rimmed spectacles. "Well, it seems as though your pets' wing has healed itself hasn't it?"

Sirius reached up to grab the flapping Herman from his hat. "NO! It's a miracle!"

"A miracle indeed." Remus muttered, massaging his dislocated shoulder.

The tired professor rubbed her eyes beneath her glasses.

"Erm, can we go to class now?" Peter squeaked hopefully.

She sighed. "Make them go away," She muttered under her breath. "Go." She said out loud.

James's jaw dropped. "No detention?"

"SHUT UP PRONGS!" Three voices shouted.

McGonagall smirked. "I didn't say that. You're fifteen minutes late to class. You think your teacher is going to let you get away?"

Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Minnie, Minnie, Minnie. You sneaky little wh-" Remus clapped a hand over Sirius's mouth before he could utter his next words.

"Mphle mphmn!" Sirius shouted against Remus's hand.

McGonagall's eyes narrowed into slits and her face went red as though she knew exactly what Sirius's next words were going to be.

The boys cowered before her as though she was several feet taller than them.

"Sirius, I swear I will kill you one of these days," Remus whispered angrily.

"And I will help him bury your remains," James hissed.

"CLASS!" McGonagall barked.

"EEP!" Peter's squeak was all the encouragement the boys needed to run to class with their tails between their legs and their hands clutching their fruit basket hats holding terrified doosters.

"James, I'm holding your word to that last comment!" Remus yelled as they ran.

"NO RUNNING IN THE CORRIDORS!" Came McGonagall's far off cry.

They slowed down as Sirius panted, "Oh get over it gentlemen, as least she didn't give us detention again."

James smirked. "Yes, Moony, I think we can get over it." He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively with a pointed look towards Herman."

"What?" Sirius was shocked. "That was EASY." His lips curled into a smile. A pause and then-"WHAT DID YOU DO?"

"Us?" Remus said, feigning innocence. "We didn't do anything. However, Herman has seemed to agree with Lily in the concept of your hat being a toilet."

Said Hat Boy's eyes widened, and he sniffed the air, wrinkling it in disgust as he smelled Herman's perfume. "BAD HERMAN!" He yelled. "And I was becoming fond of you!"

"QUACK." Herman looked rather pleased with himself, and jumped down from the hat unto Sirius shoulder.

"You're enjoying this aren't you?" Sirius narrowed his eyes. "Bloody dooster." He muttered, much to the amusement of his friends.