Chapter Three
I'll Never Say Anything to Hurt Her
Gumi and I were kindred spirits in a way, so we were constantly together when Rin went out with Yukari or someone else. Both our lives currently revolved around Rin, so we had nothing else to do when she wasn't with us. I've sometimes wondered how things would have turned out if Gumi hadn't started dating someone immediately after she and Rin broke up. Rin was insecure, you see, and she liked having something to fall back on. She was a bit wicked if you think of that. She never firmly said no to anyone who asked her out or showed an interest. Perhaps a better word would be lonely. She feared being alone, so she wanted to always be sure that there'd be someone there for her when she was in need. I've never quite forgiven her for this trait, but my love for her makes it easy to forget it until it creeps up from these memories.
I seem to have digressed. What I meant to be telling you is that Gumi and I were together at her house when we received texts from Yukari and Rin, respectively. That from Yukari held a bit of anger since Rin had supposedly guilted her way out of plans she and Yukari had made for the weekend in order for them both to go to a party Piko had invited them to. Yukari had been looking forward to being alone with Rin, apparently, and was incredibly upset to have to go to the party instead. It went on like that for a couple messages. Rin's text, instead, simply said that she was going to a party with Piko and she thought he might ask her out. Gumi and I worked together to respond to Yukari, because she was the easier of the two for us to deal with, and then we both fell silent and stared at Rin's text, neither one wanting to congratulate her. Eventually, we dragged a false cheerfulness out of ourselves to share in her joy. Once the message was sent, however, Gumi shuffled to her CD tower and riffled through the innumerable discs before finally pulling out a track. With a disappointed scowl, she showed it to me. I let out a soft, miserable laugh. It was one of the CDs that Miku had produced, this one filled fully with sad songs. With a grimace, I gestured toward the CD player. Gumi crawled over to it and inserted the CD, pressing play.
Outwards and Inwards.
I leaned my head against the wall and closed my eyes, drawing my head back for a second to pull my ponytail out of the way before sitting back once more. I listened to the first track alongside Gumi as I listened to her shuffling things around on her desk. I'd seen what was on her desk already. She'd shown them to me. The majority of those contents was letters of apology, where she'd written what she wanted to tell Rin. She wanted to say that she'd never cared about Meiko, that she'd only dated her to get Rin's attention back. While I was the only one who truly knew why it was, there was no one who could deny that Rin was never fully there when she was in a relationship. She must have really hurt Gumi, especially considering they'd been dating up until three weeks ago. They'd agreed that they were better as friends, though it was only on Rin's side that it had been heartfelt. Rin was rather cruel to have moved on so quickly, wasn't she? Gumi wasn't over her, obviously, even if Rin only saw her flirting and proclamations of love as a joke now. Gumi's feelings weren't a joke; her girlfriend was. I'd asked Gumi multiple times if she wanted me to dump Meiko for her, but she would just get this sad look and say that she might as well give it a chance. She never saw Meiko, though, so I didn't see the point of her continuing the relationship. They even went to different schools.
I felt the heat of Gumi's body beside me as she slid onto the ground, leaning her head on my shoulder. Her smaller hand found my own, and she held on to me. I squeezed her hand in return. People seeing us might've thought we were a couple, but that was something we'd never be. As you know, your Aunt Gumi and I have always been close. We grew closer after that summer. As I've already said many times and will say many times over, we were kindred spirits. We were both in love with Rin, and we both knew that she'd never love us back. I have to be jealous of Gumi, though. At least she got to be with Rin, even if it was for a short time. Even if she was later deposited right back into the friend zone, at least she'd gotten to get out of it, even for a heartbeat.
"I hate him," she murmured to me as the song switched tracks.
Our Let-It-Be.
"If he's the one she falls in love with, I'll never forgive him." I felt her breath on me, and I listened calmly to her voice. I understood Gumi too well, but I also knew better than her. There was no need to worry. Rin was still in love, and she always would be. She wasn't the kind of girl to fall out of love. I could never be sure whether that was a good thing. If she fell in love with someone unattainable, at least, I had no need to worry about her ending up with someone else. If she could fall out of love, though, maybe she could fall in love with me. That would always be a fantasy, though, because she'd only ever love him. He was her first love. She was mine.
"She won't fall in love with him," I said, because I was certain of it. I could tell that she didn't believe me, though, and I wanted to tell her about him, but it was the one thing that kept me closer to Rin than everyone else, wasn't it? In all truth, I knew that I'd be of no use to Rin if I didn't know about him. I was sure she loved me as her best friend, but, if it weren't for that secret between the two of us, she could move on and find someone better suited for her. So, instead of telling Gumi about him, I simply said, "Just trust me."
I felt Gumi reposition herself, and the papers she must have grabbed off her desk brushed against my jeans. After a moment, she told me, "It's not you that I don't trust, Gakkun. I don't trust her not to fall in love."
I opened my eyes to look at Gumi. She stared up at me, and that wounded expression might have made any other boy swoon. Gumi was beautiful, after all, even more so when she was up close like this and the perfection of her skin showed even more. No girl would ever sway my heart, though, because Rin was the only one I could ever love. It was a miserable feeling, to be brutally honest, and there were many times when I would have given anything not to be in love with her. It's useless to love someone who could never return those feelings, after all, and I could even tell at that age just how my life would go.
We both looked toward my phone as it began to vibrate. Without breaking our hold on each other, we each reached for our respective phones. The times like these, when Gumi showed her serious side, I could see myself falling in love with her, despite her being another person who could never love me back. I never fell in love with her, though. I actually tried a few times. The odds of Gumi falling for me were greater than those of Rin falling for me, after all, despite Gumi's liking girls.
Yukari had sent another text about Rin changing their plans, and Rin had sent one asking if Yukari was upset. I said she wasn't. I lied about my feelings for Rin daily, after all, so wasn't it okay for me to lie about others' feelings for her, too? By the time Gumi had sent off her reply to Yukari, the CD player had gone on to the third track.
Love Me.
Gumi sighed as we leaned against the wall once more, and she complained, "This is just sad. We're high school students, right? Aren't these supposed to be the best years of our lives? We should just get over her and enjoy ourselves, right?"
I let out a mirthless laugh. She gazed at me curiously. "The moment you figure out how to do that, let me know. It would definitely make my life a lot easier."
"I guess you're right," was all she said in response, gazing down on her lap to read her apology letters over again. I closed my eyes again, listening to Miku's voice. Miku herself had never been in love, or even liked someone for that matter, so I'd never understood how it was that she managed to write songs about heartbreak or falling in love. This song, though, I understood. This was a song I could imagine her writing, and it made me feel so guilty for loving Rin so much. Miku had never felt that feeling. She'd tried to fall in love before. For a while, even, she'd tried to fall in love with me, but nothing worked. Miku never fell in love with anyone all throughout high school. She never went on a date, and she never had her first kiss. No one ever fell in love with her, but she'd decided that summer that it was for the best. She learned from the rest of us. For high school, at least, it was better not to fall in love. Focussing on friends was what really mattered. If only the rest of us had realized that sooner, our summer might not have been so dreadful. It's hard not to look back on these days without feeling that all-encompassing regret, but it's too late to change anything now.
When the First Love Ends.
"Hey, you two, stop being bums and come to karaoke with us!"
The door swung open without a moment's notice, and Gumi and I jumped apart. Gumi, seeing that we wouldn't have long before the song was recognized, yanked the CD player's cord out of the outlet and sprang to her feet. I remained where I was, knowing jumping up like that was suspicious, and lolled my head toward Miku, who stood in Gumi's doorway with a huge grin on her face. Beside her stood Rin's cousin, Len. I'd always thought that he had feelings for Miku, but I'd found out later that his feelings were for someone else. Miku simply dragged him along everywhere since all our other club members, ie Yukari, Rin, Gumi, and I, shared the same homeroom. Len's eyes were glued to his phone's screen as he continued composing a text message to a classmate.
"Who let you in?" wondered Gumi, peering around them curiously. Gumi's parents were out, so we'd been alone for the past two hours. Had someone come back without our noticing? Our minds had been elsewhere.
Miku rolled her eyes and remarked, "If you don't want people breaking and entering, learn to lock the door." Then, she strode into the room and grabbed my hands. As she pulled, I knew better than to not get up. "Let's go, guys! Yukari and Rin are gonna meet us there, so we gotta hurry!"
We couldn't sit around feeling sorry for ourselves forever, I supposed, so I looked to Gumi and stated, "We're not doing anything, anyway, so we might as well go."
Gumi was stuffing the letters back into her desk, hoping that the others wouldn't notice, so she just chirped with a grin, "Fine, fine. Go on out, I'll meet you guys in a minute. I gotta lock up and stuff."
Miku pulled my hand and said, "Alright, Gakkun, let's go!"
I knew better than to resist, so I followed Miku and Len out. I didn't want to see Rin right now, but, at the same time, there was nothing I wanted more. At least I'd have Gumi by my side. I just prayed that Rin wouldn't talk about the party. I wasn't sure I could handle that.
