After the War: Flash Back #1
The strange, turquoise-banded moon of the giant terrestrial planet Geros passed slowly overhead as the two soldiers crouched behind the boulders at the mouth of the valley. The night was very silent, Geros being one of the many worlds throughout the galaxy that was perfectly geared toward organic life but supported none of its own. The aggressive strain of Geth that prowled its surface were decidedly foreign. Occasionally their ear-buds would crackle with an update from Garrus, stationed above with his sniper rifle. Otherwise, absolute silence.
"What do you think makes the moon look like that?" Kaidan whispered, looking up at it. Shepard was peering carefully over the rocks, scanning the dimly lit compound they were watching. Whiskers, who was really Private Gordon Herman but known only by his nickname, was within, attempting to access the Geth data files that would reveal their communications with the approaching Reapers. Since the systems always fried themselves once all the Geth in the area were dead, they needed to get the files before the assault. Whiskers was the obvious choice, trained originally as a part of a failed military black ops program he was phenomenal at infiltration. Still, the silence of the radio grated nerves and made conversation tense.
"The bands come from cliffs of turquoise stone that span the entire length of the moon, from pole to pole." She answered.
"Ah. You surveyed it before we came down?"
"There was a few hours until it was going to be night on the right side of the planet. I needed something to do." She replied, peeking back over the stone. Whiskers had instructed them not to contact him while he was within. Kaidan joined her, trying to pick out any signs of motion or alert. Whiskers last update had come twelve minutes ago. He'd been instructed to provide an update every ten minutes, except in cases where it was impossible.
Being shot in the face was one of those cases. Kaidan found his own, unspoken attempt at black humour unfunny. He watched Shepard check the time on her omni-tool and huff irately. It was a sound he recognized instantly.
"It's time to go." She said. She unslung her pistol and Kaidan followed suit, straightening his armour and checking the connections while she gave crisp instructions for Garrus to advance and hold with his rifle until they reached the door. The turian was to provide cover for the two of them during their approach, in case they set off some sort of sensor. She nodded to him.
They advanced slowly over the grounds, skirting the pale illumination provided by the compound lights. The windowless brick of polished metal loomed silently above them, a menacing creature bereft of tooth or fang it sent an instinctual shiver down his back. Shepard ordered Garrus to advance, as they positioned themselves opposite each other beside the door, pistols at the ready.
"You really think he got caught?" Kaidan asked quietly as they waited. The turian wouldn't be long. They were much faster then humans, especially over rough terrain.
"I don't know." Shepard replied, which was a disguise for her cynicism. Shepard was never unsure of anything, stubborn and sure-footed in everything she did. He didn't draw attention to it, at least not this time. He knew, at an almost instinctual level, that she didn't want to be reminded of how well he knew her moods. This wasn't a situation where she would find it endearing.
He also didn't draw attention to the way she chewed the inside of her lip. It was nervous habit, one that he hadn't noticed when they first started working together. Then again, he rarely saw it. Shepard was rarely frightened of anything. He supposed it came from going toe-to-toe with a monstrous sentient machine. Looking back at it for him was almost like thinking about a dream. It was all so unreal to him, so distant from the reality he had known his entire life, so huge. Shepard didn't have the same problems as he did. All her focus went into the ever present terror of the imminent Reaper attack. She couldn't afford to distance herself from the crushing reality of it all.
Silence stretched, taunt and nerve wracking until Garrus appeared, melting out of the shadows at a brisk run. He had his assault rifle out and ready and Shepard approved with a nod. She turned to Kaidan and a look passed between them, a look charged with all sorts of emotions, trying to communicate feelings and sentiments that it would be against regulation to actually vocalize.
'Be careful.' Kaidan thought. She nodded the movement almost unseen and he broke eye contact to open the door. One after another they filed in, the thin red lines of their laser sights lost in the musty gloom.
*
She addressed the crew fifteen minutes after they arrived back on the Normandy, as she always did when they lost of their own. The speech was simple and strong, Private Gordon Herman had been killed while serving the Alliance, the human race and, in truth, the galaxy itself. His sacrifice will be honoured on the Wall of the Lost memorial being constructed back home on Earth, his loss would be greatly felt by all who knew him. Twenty minutes after they arrived back on the Normandy, Kaidan was at her door.
She appeared, almost at the same moment he knocked, which told him she had been expecting him.
"Lieutenant." She acknowledged him. She was leaning heavily on the door frame, exhausted. Her pale skin was grey with stress and grief. Losing marines hit her hard, it always had. No matter what else might be going on, no matter what the circumstances of the death, she grieved for each one at a level few commanders did. It was something he found very noble about her, something he respected and admired her for. It also made him sad.
"Just wanted to see how you're holding up, ma'am." He replied, upholding their charade of propriety. Whenever they were on mission they had to pretend that they were just friends, comrades in arms. It drove him crazy on so many levels. He felt it, of course, when he wanted to put his arm around her, kiss her, joke with her like they could off-duty. But he felt it more in times like these, where she stood before him in agony and he could not dare to breach protocol and offer her any more comfort than words could allow.
"I'm fine, Lieutenant." She replied. It wasn't a lie, or at least not one directed at him. There was nothing else she could say really. Sometimes he wondered why he even came, when there was never anything more they could do or say. This exchange had become almost a ritual for them now. He wanted her to know he was there, he knew she was in pain and he wanted to offer comfort. He hoped she understood. He thought she did.
"It wasn't your fault, commander. Whiskers wanted to go." He said, putting a hand on her shoulder. It was the most contact he could offer without violating anything and getting them both court marshaled. She put her hand over his and offered him a small, sad smile.
"I know." She answered. But that didn't make it any easier. And he knew that. "Thank you, Lieutenant."
"No problem, commander." She disappeared back into her room and he stood in the hallway for a moment before heading down the stairs to crew quarters, where he sprawled on the bunk he shared in shifts with crewman Levi. He rolled onto his side and thought of the friend he'd lost today, as Shepard lay on her bed in the room above. Eventually, sleep came and carried away their solitary grief, if only for a little while.
