A/N: I have finally finished the next chapter!

In other news, Aragorn escaped from his cage the other day. That is, my finch named Aragorn. He really is a finch. I didn't somehow bring Aragorn to my house and turn him into a finch. Really.


Pomegranates and a Lesson On Carnage

The Fellowship had broken. Boromir had died valiantly, Frodo and Sam were going to Mordor on a near-hopeless mission to save the world, and Pippin was feeling stressed.

"Merry," he whispered. "Merry!"

"Shhh, Pip!" said hobbit whispered back.

"I'm sad. I feel bored. Can we do something fun? Maybe sing? Or play a prank on the orcs? Or… hey, I know, maybe we could eat! Eating would be nice. Do you have any bacon? Or mushrooms? Or even lembas bread? Maybe we could steal something from the orcs. Do you suppose they have anything good to eat? No, probably not," Pippin decided, wrinkling his nose without pausing for a moment; "they don't have very good taste. I would really like some salsa and milk right now. Hey, I know, we could eat ourselves!" he finished excitedly.

"Could you please talk less about eating?" Merry hissed. "I don't want to give the orcs ideas!"

Pippin was dutifully silent. But it wasn't to last.

Pippin missed the rest of the Fellowship. He was tired, hungry, sad, and most of all was completely sick of bouncing around on an orc's back. His Pippinly Power of Pure Randomness was building inside him with his hunger… and… and… they passed a pine tree… and… and… and… a rock! ... and… AND— Pippin exploded.

"Once there was a magnificent golden ox once! Blue bottles are very tasty! But then the clothes my sister was washing disappeared, because my wheelbarrow used to be Jupiter and then Lord Elrond said—"

The uruk that was carrying Pippin was perturbed at his captive's random outburst. He thwacked Pippin with his elbow.

"—every time there was a floating giraffe someone would scream, and then the yellow chickens entered on a surfboard. All trees should disco in the light of pie and all good things, but the time I tried to kiss her our noses got stuck and I—"

Thwack.

"—Columbus made a raspberry tart using only his hat! Galadriel should fly a cornflake convertible, but only when it's spongy and very green at night, but when the ants because then I said—"

Thwack!

"—and because he took the potatoes, there was no hope for anyone… I wonder what would happen if I ate the moon? Steel hats are good for nothing, and green vases are even worse. Extra thonks should be bought from Gandalf and until—"

The uruk carrying Pippin heaved the hobbit off his back and shook him roughly. "Shut up, pipsqueak," the uruk growled. "The disco ox can be Gandof or whatever, but you'd better shut up," he said, smiling menacingly and revealing a line of jagged teeth.

"Waves of tiny sandwiches!" Pippin squeaked in protest. The uruk slung Pippin back onto his shoulders. After a moment of silence he returned to his case. 'The purple bubbly diving boards believe—"

"I bet they're very tasty," the orc sneered. Pippin suddenly became very quiet. He did not want to be eaten.

But there was something the uruk didn't know. And how could he?

His name was Rusnk, if you're interested. I'm not sure how he got the name—actually, I'm not sure how he even got named, since he was only one among thousands in a disposable army, only alive because Saruman needed troops. If you think about it, an uruk's (or an orc's) life is very sad. Poor Rusnk. We should all really take the time to send an orc a card or flowers once in a while. Maybe they wouldn't be so mean if someone were nice to them.

But anyway, what I was saying was how could he know? How could Rusnk possibly know? He couldn't even guess; he had not the vaguest shadow of a suspicion. No orc would have understood.

And you don't understand either, dear reader— which I suppose is slightly obvious by the way you may be tearing out your hair and drooling in rage. Sorry.

You see, and I apologize if this gets weird, but hobbits, especially Tooks, possess a magical power. A combination of extreme optimism, stupidity, and ADHD makes them invincible in the face of almost anything. Their power also happens to make them invincible in the behind of almost anything.

And our Took was definitely ready to use his power at this point. Pippin sighed, took a deep breath, and underwent something akin to explosion. To Rusnk's surprise, his captive was suddenly in front of him and appeared to be either dancing or having a seizure.

Most of the uruks stopped and stared as their prisoner somewhat literally burst into song.

"OOHHHH!

There came a pomegranate

Upon the wilted seas;

And everywhere it wandered

It ran into some bees;

And all the bees were purple

And weighed a million tons!

So when they left the pomegranate flew into the sun.

The stars were made of cheesecake

And smelled of smelly socks

And radish soup was folded

Into eight tiny clocks

Because the pomegranate

Had three dozen step sisters

It became strawberry ice cream

'Cause the sun gives you blisters!"

Pippin bowed dramatically and promptly ran in the opposite direction. Despite their shock, it took the uruks all of ten seconds to recapture him.

"Good going, Pip," Merry grumbled.

"I'M NOT BORED ANYMORE!" Pippin screamed.

This time, Rusnk slapped him. Pippin fell—and stayed—silent. He was still happy, though; he had no idea what a pomegranate was, but it had been a fun song.

~~'P'~~

Nothing interesting happened until nightfall, when the uruks realized they were being surrounded by a small army. In response, they decided to eat the hobbits.

"We don't have to bring all of them back, do we? Wouldn't most of them be sufficient?" a mottled bluish orc hissed.

"They do look quite tasty, don't they? You know, I think you're quite right… Most of them should do the job just fine…" responded an uruk the color of the turd he really was.

"I don't want to die, Merry!" Pippin squeaked.

"It's okay, Pip," his cousin responded unreassuringly. Blue Orc and Turd Uruk drooled and reached for their weapons. Suddenly a horse appeared out of nowhere and trampled Blue Orc and Turd Uruk. Merry made a surprised noise that sounded like an imploding aardvark, and the hobbits found themselves in the midst of a gross battle.

Pippin began to sing.

A Lesson On Carnage, or When Potatoes Go to War

"I'm glad that I have insides

Some blood, a heart and liver

But when I think of insides out

Of me I start to shiver

War is gross and useless

Unless you're fighting food

And attacking other people

With your dinner knife is rude

If you are eating supper

And must attack your steak

Go ahead and use a knife

It won't be a mistake

But running after others

Waving something sharp around

Makes less sense than shoes

Or trying to remove the ground

If you don't know what should be knifed

Then here's a little more:

Carnage is only useful

When potatoes go to war!"

While singing, Pippin dodged horses and falling bodies and allowed Merry to drag him towards the woods. His last line echoed eerily and out of key into the dark forest. "Trees?" Pippin whispered uncertainly.

"Yes, Pippin, there are trees," Merry sighed. He really just wanted to take a nap. He heard a strange squeak and turned around to find his cousin in a tree. Pippin stood proudly on a thick branch and held a twig above his head like a raised sword. He began bellowing heroically. He looked ridiculous.

"Four and twenty miles ago

In minutes that were greenest—"

The tree opened its eyes. "Buráruum, little orc. You aaarre, huum, out of tuuune…"


A/N: Hope you liked the latest installment!

Aragorn the finch lives in a yellow birdcage with Arwen (yes, she is also a finch) and a nesting marble named Eldarion.