Yes, the "dynamic duo" is back, and we brought out all the gadgets this time...lol! Thanks to everyone who read and/or reviewed the preceding chapters. We truly appreciate your feedback. We hope that you will continue to let us know what you think with this chapter. We like to know that we are doing a good job... :D So, here is Chapter Three of "In Dreams", and...as always...
Yours,
butterflyswest and Erin Allen
3
By the time the nurse came to get her, Neela felt as if she was about to splinter. Too much had happened in the past week to allow her to feel anything but guilt, remorse and fear. Guilt that she had loved another man while Michael had been dying. Remorse over what she had said to Ray on the roof. And fear that he would be snatched away from her before she had the chance to tell him how very sorry she was. It amazed her that, as a doctor, she saw people's lives fall apart every day, but it never touched her. She always kept her objectivity. Now she was on the receiving end, and it didn't sit well. Not one little bit.
She rose from her seat when the nurse walked in the door, and Abby struggled up beside her. Without speaking, they followed where the woman led; ignoring the stares of the family now huddled in the corner. Their bad news had already come, leaving them a much more somber group than before. Neela couldn't feel sympathy for them. Not right now. She had more to worry about than them.
She slowed as they neared the ICU, and Neela suddenly felt a fear so deep that she nearly cried out with the force of it. What if he was already gone? What if…? She grabbed Abby's arm and pulled her to a halt, eyeing the door warily.
"I don't think I can do this, Abby," she whispered frantically.
Abby turned to look at her, searching her eyes. What she saw there made her either want to hug her or slap her. She wasn't sure which. At the moment, she was leaning toward slap.
"I'll be right there with you," she said, finally mastering her urge. "You'll be fine."
"Abby…"
Abby sighed heavily.
"Honey, you can't run away from this. I know it won't be easy, but I'll be there with you."
Neela swallowed hard. Easy? This was so far from easy that it made physics look like a cakewalk. She closed her eyes, fighting for some sort of control on her emotions. She almost laughed. Neela, the control freak, couldn't get a handle on even herself. After a moment, she thought that she could face whatever was behind the door without breaking down and eased past Abby to open it.
The charge nurse gave them a bulldog glare when they entered, and Abby took care of her with her usual efficiency.
"Ray Barnett," she said shortly.
"Are you family?" the nurse said as her gaze wandered to Neela. Her eyes widened. "Dr. Rasgotra! What are you doing here? We thought…"
"I'm here to see Dr. Barnett," Neela said, cutting her off. She saw the sudden knowing look in the woman's eyes and her fury burned away any lingering fear she might have had. What right did she have to judge? "I'm his next of kin," she added, her tone so icy that it froze in the air.
The woman licked her lips and glanced at Abby as if for help. Neela didn't know what she saw in her eyes, but was glad that she was wise enough to recognize the warning note in her voice. Seeing that Abby wasn't going to help her, the nurse sighed and pointed to the end of the ward.
"Last bed," she said shortly before turning to the desk.
"How do you work up here with these people?" Abby asked under her breath as they made their way through the ward.
Neela didn't answer. Sometimes she wondered the same thing, but she wasn't here to talk about the lack of courtesy from the surgical staff. She was here to see Ray.
She ground to a halt when they were close enough to see him clearly. Tears sprang to her eyes and fell unchecked down her cheeks. Dimly, she heard Abby's sharp intake of breath, but it didn't touch her.
"Bloody hell," she said brokenly, a sob tearing at her throat.
If she hadn't had confirmation that it was Ray, she never would have recognized him. His face was pale, the edges of his eyelids tinged blue. The tube helping him breathe seemed barbaric, though she had intubated hundreds of patients for just the same reason. Somehow, it was different now. This was Ray, not some nameless patient. She watched as Abby stepped closer to the bed and took his hand, telling him how grateful she was that he'd saved her and the baby. The pulse/ox monitor beeped endlessly, proving that he still lived, still breathed. God! She was going to go crazy. This could not be happening.
Neela took a step toward the bed when Abby's pager went off. She jumped, glancing at Abby in sudden fear. All she could think was, What now?.
Abby glanced down at the display and grimaced. She looked down at Ray, squeezing his hand.
"I'll be back up to check on you later," she said softly. Turning to Neela, she rounded the bed and placed her hands on Neela's shoulders. "Are you going to be all right?"
All right? She was so far from all right that she wondered if she could ever make her way back. She felt as if her heart were splintered, brittle. One wrong move, and it would just shatter like badly blown glass. Neela swallowed hard and took a deep breath, glancing glanced past her to Ray's face. She wasn't all right, but she wouldn't fall apart like that. Not when he needed her. She had already abandoned him once. She wouldn't do it again. For the first time since she'd moved, she was going to do the right thing even if it killed her.
"I'm fine," she whispered, tearing her eyes from Ray to look her friend in the eye.
Abby frowned slightly, scanning her face. Finally, she nodded and tucked her hands in the pockets of her lab coat.
"I'll be back later to check up on both of you," she said. She looked back at the bed and her eyes grew sad. "Just talk to him, Neela," she whispered. "Tell him everything."
Neela nodded, her throat closing up. She watched Abby leave though tears blurred her vision and a sob tore at her throat. She choked it back. She was not going to cry. Not now. Not when he needed her to be strong. She straitened her spine and stepped toward the bed. Grabbing a chair and pulling it closer to the bed, she sat and thought of all the things she wanted to say. There were so many that she wasn't sure where to start. It hurt to know that she had once been able to say anything to him. Anything at all. Now, there was so much looming between them that, even now, she couldn't say the things she really wanted to.
She leaned forward, reaching out to take his hand, but pulled her hand back. Sighing, she rested her elbows on the edge of the bed.
"Oh, God, Ray," she whispered. "I've gone and buggered everything haven't I?"
She glanced up at his face half expecting some reaction, and looked away again when there was nothing.
"Why would you give my name as your next of kin, Ray?" she said, almost to herself. "Why would you do that?"
That was the true question. The one she wanted answered more than anything else. She closed her eyes against the tears that threatened. She knew that if she looked deeply enough, the answer was already there, in her heart, but she couldn't look there. Not now. Without thought, she bridged the gap between them and took his cold hand into her own, needing the contact. She rested her head on the edge of the bed, not caring if the nurses were watching. She was too tired, too raw to be concerned with their petty judgments. Not a one of them knew her. They didn't know the agony she was feeling.
"Neela."
Her breath caught in her throat at the voice. She'd believed that she had forgotten that voice. She had been wrong. But it couldn't be…
She lifted her head and turned to see Michael standing beside her. He looked so…so real. His crisp white shirt contrasted with his dark skin and was tucked into the faded jeans he wore. He was staring at her with a small sad smile on his face, and her heart lurched in her chest. Guilt assailed her with the realization that she was sitting at another man's bedside when she had only just buried her husband. She snatched her hands away from Ray and rose to her feet. She opened her mouth to speak, but nothing came out, the words sticking in her throat.
"Michael…" she finally managed to force out.
"You don't have to say anything, Neela," he said kindly. His gaze strayed to the bed, that sad smile fading. "I already know."
She frowned, her fear tripling.
"I didn't…"
"I know that too," he broke in turning back to look at her. He tucked his hands in his pockets and blew out a breath. "I need to talk to you, Neela."
Neela could only stare at him. Was she dreaming? Awake? Had it all been some colossal mistake?
"No mistake," he said, and she glanced at him sharply.
"That's bloody unnerving," she snapped before she could stop herself, and he laughed softly.
"I know. But I'm not here to talk about that. I'm not here to talk about us."
"Then why are you here?" she asked, her voice barely more than a squeak. God! She really was losing her mind. She was talking to her dead husband, while standing next to the bed of the man she….
"I need you to do something for me, Neela. You remember the video I sent you? I told you that I wanted you to move on, fall in love again, have babies."
She nodded, not liking the direction that this was going. "I remember."
"I meant every word. You have to move on, Neela."
She laughed and a hysterical note crept into her voice.
"You want me to move on," she echoed. "I only just buried you, Michael." She uttered a sound that was half sob, half laughter. "Bollocks, that sounds insane."
He took a step toward her, stopping just short of touching her.
"I know that you're hurting right now. I'm sorry for that, but I need to know that you'll be happy. That you'll be taken care of."
Tears rolled down her face and her face crumbled into lines of grief. She covered her face with her hands.
"All I wanted was to love you, Michael. I wanted for us to be together."
"I know," he said gravely. "I wanted the same thing, but things didn't happen that way." He sighed heavily. "We can't change what happened, but you can still make a future."
"What future?" she said, running her fingers through her hair. "I don't understand…"
He glanced again at the bed.
"He cares about you, Neela. And I know how you feel about him."
She bit her lip and dropped her eyes.
"It's all right," he told her. "I know how you feel, but it doesn't change anything. He needs you right now. And deep down, you know you need him."
She bit back the words of denial that rose to her lips. God, but it was true! She needed Ray. She had for a long time. When Michael had left, she'd come to depend on Ray in a way that she never would have imagined. He had listened to her complain, and cry, and laugh. He'd been there as a shoulder she could cry on, lean on, depend on. A new piercing agony stole her breath away, leaving her shaking. She'd depended on him so much, that she had taken for granted that he would always be there. She looked over her shoulder, her chest tight with suppressed tears.
"I don't know what to do, Michael."
She thought she felt him brush her hair away from her face, but when she turned he was several feet away. The look in his eyes broke her heart, but she couldn't look away.
"I'll always love you, Neela. And I'll look in on you from time to time, but you have to live." He smiled suddenly, and she sobbed again at the sight of it. "Make Doc Rock take care of you."
She couldn't say anything as he turned to leave. She wanted to call him back, to tell him how much she missed him. There were so many things she wanted to tell him. She took a step toward him.
"Neela?"
Neela snapped bolt upright at the feel of a hand on her shoulder. She looked around fearfully, ignoring the painful cramp in her neck at the motion. She was still sitting in the chair at Ray's bedside, her hand still twined with his. She looked up to find Abby standing there beside her, her face a mask of concern.
"Are you all right?" she asked, her voice tinged with worry. "You don't look good."
Neela shook her head, the dream still with her.
"I…" she began, testing the words in her mind and discarding them.
Abby touched her forehead, her brow creasing.
"Jesus, Neela! You're white as a sheet. You look like you've just seen a ghost."
Neela gave her a wild look and rose unsteadily to her feet. She covered her mouth with her hands and scanned the ICU, wondering if she really was going insane.
"This may sound mad, but…I think I have."
