Future

Her alarm goes off, and she checks the date mechanically.

February 24th, 2012

She sighs heavily, but at least she feels capable of getting out of bed today.

In the shower, she has a brainwave. She keeps trying to be the hero, trying to stop them from making a mistake. She tried standing by passively, and it didn't work. Maybe she has to actually be the villain.

Maybe, if Finn and Rachel both hate her, then their futures can unfold.

So she goes to school. She convinces Brittany she's psychic when she performs the choreography before she's taught. Finn announces the wedding. They win Regionals. She shows up at Coach Sylvester's office early, and, surprised at her gumption, Coach gives her the uniform.

When she finds Rachel in the hallway, they have that same painful conversation, and Quinn asks to attend the wedding. Quinn hugs her, and tries to keep her composure.

She goes to Cheerios. This time, when Coach Sylvester keeps her behind to discuss strategy, Quinn lets her. She even lets the conversation linger.

As she's leaving the school, she sends Rachel a text.

Ran home to get my bridesmaids dress.
Be there soon.

She heads home. She puts on the bridesmaids dress. She sits on her bed. She waits.

Rachel has already texted her to hurry up, and she does not respond. Now, sitting on her bed, she gets the text that sealed her fate in the past, the one she couldn't help but respond to, because it was Rachel.

WHERE ARE YOU?

Quinn wishes she felt worse about the lie she sends.

ON MY WAY

She sits back on her bed, and waits.

At ten minutes after five o'clock, she gets a call from Rachel.

"Hello?" she answers.

"Where are you? Are you okay?" Rachel's voice is panicked.

"I'm fine," Quinn tells her, as nonchalantly as she can. "What's up?"

"We were waiting for you so that we could start the wedding! You said you were coming!"

"Oh. Well, I'm at home," Quinn says, trying to keep her voice steady. Her heart is pounding, and she's already closed her eyes in anticipation of Rachel's reaction.

"What?" Rachel asks, and her voice is dull, uncomprehending.

"Yeah. Sorry I couldn't make it."

"We waited for you," Rachel says, a whining note in her voice now. "We didn't get married because you hadn't made it."

"Oh. That's good, then," Quinn says, and she feels like she's driving a knife into Rachel's guts.

"What?" That tone again.

"That's good. I'm glad you decided to wait."

"Did you plan this?" Rachel asks hollowly.

"Yes," Quinn answer simply.

"How could you?" the voice is small, defeated. She hears Finn in the background, asking what happened. Rachel tells him Quinn sabotaged the wedding.

Evidently, even Finn knows that word, because there's an explosion of angry sound, "I'm going to kill—" and the line disconnects.

Shaken and feeling disgusted with herself, Quinn makes sure every door and window of her house is locked. Not that she thinks Finn would actually hurt her, but…she just doesn't know.

She turns off her phone and waits out the evening. Finn doesn't come over that night. Judy is especially wary of her that night, given her withdrawn mood. Quinn spends the evening in her bedroom, rationalizing her choice. Maybe by pushing Rachel and Finn together at this point, she can engineer the destruction of their relationship faster. Maybe giving them a common enemy will cause them to implode somehow.

But as she falls asleep, she really hopes that the future she's supposed to create isn't one where Rachel Berry will hate her forever.

.

She breathes a deep sigh of relief when her alarm wakes her up the next morning, and confirms her belief by looking at the date.

February 24th, 2012

But it leaves her flummoxed. What else should she be doing?

As she's breaking into her locker to get her dress, she realizes. Maybe it has something to do with Regionals.

Regionals had become such a routine part of her day at this point that she barely paid any attention to it, but maybe that was the key. Maybe they needed to lose Regionals, and maybe the loss would force Rachel to focus on her dream even more.

She could easily sabotage the performance, but she wants it to be subtle. She's already proven they can win Regionals without her, so it seems likely that anything subtle she does could be overlooked. However, if it's an obvious sabotage, it can't work. Rachel would just blame her.

Feeling fiendish mischief, Quinn wonders if she can somehow make it Finn's fault that they lose.

So during rehearsal, she interrupts Brittany to suggest the next part of the choreography, the part she already knows Brittany will give them. Brittany is surprised, and lets Quinn come up and help teach the others the rest of the dance. As they're dispersing, Brittany says, "I totally had a dream about you last night. You were older, and sad, but we danced together, and you felt better."

The words give Quinn a little chill, but she smiles and tells Brittany she believes her.

Now that she's established herself as an expert of the choreography, she pulls Finn aside before they're supposed to go into the auditorium to watch the other groups perform. "Hey. I noticed you were having some trouble. Do you want to rehearse?"

Finn looks anxious and relieved, "You noticed? Yeah, please, can you help me?"

"Sure," Quinn tells him, and proceeds to "refresh" him on the choreography, teaching him things out of order, and in the wrong direction. It's not totally incorrect, but enough small details are wrong that it should confuse him while he's onstage.

They watch the other groups perform, and backstage, Finn announces the wedding. She rehearses with him quickly, again, just before they go out onstage.

And as she expects, Finn is a mess, whirling all over the stage, while people dodge him. The first two songs go okay, but in the middle of "Here's to Us," Finn crashes into Rachel as she's singing. She clings to him desperately, and he manages to keep her on her feet. However, her voice definitely slides out of pitch in her shock.

They gamely continue on through the performance, but when it's all over, they win second place.

The whole team is in a state of depression. Rachel is pale, and teary, and, Quinn can tell, trying not to be mad at Finn as she tells him hollowly it wasn't his fault.

"I don't understand," Quinn says to him, making her own tone dull, "You were fine when we were practicing. What happened?"

"I don't know," Finn laments, bringing a frustrated fist up to his head. "I just…got confused all of a sudden."

"It's not your fault," Rachel repeats flatly.

"Um, except it's totally his fault," Santana cuts in hotly.

Rachel doesn't even have a good response, and just looks away. With a frustrated snarl, Finn storms out.

Kurt comes over tentatively to Rachel and Quinn can hear him quietly reassuring her that they will still make it into NYADA, and they don't need a Nationals win to do that. Rachel agrees, but she had hoped to have a Nationals win before she left high school.

The New Directions students Quinn sees during the rest of the day all seem to be in a slump. She can't really blame them. She feels a little bit bad, but, she knows, it's not the end of the world.

She gets her Cheerios uniform toward the end of the day. She stops Rachel in the hall to ask to come to the wedding—though, this time she doesn't ask about the song that caused them to lose—and Rachel's sour mood is instantly transformed. But she stops. "I'm…not sure the wedding is going to be today," she tells Quinn quietly.

Quinn frowns, "What? Why?"

Rachel looks away, "Getting married after winning Regionals felt right. It felt like celebration. Since we've lost…I don't feel so much like celebrating anymore. And I haven't seen Finn at all. I'm not sure where he is or what he's thinking, and he won't return my texts." She looks at Quinn with sadness, "It just seems best to postpone it, for now."

"I…think that's for the best," Quinn responds delicately, "Do you want me to tell the rest of the New Directions for you?"

"Could you, please?" she asks.

Quinn nods. Rachel hugs her.

Quinn goes to Cheerios practice and spends her evening helping her mother with dinner. And as she goes to sleep, she feels excited. She has a good feeling about this day.

.

When her alarm wakes her up, she groans in frustration, and reaches for her phone, knowing what to expect, but checking anyway.

February 24th, 2012

She sighs, loudly, and pulls herself out of bed. What is hell is she missing? She's done everything she can think of. Yesterday—or what amounts to yesterday if every day is the same day—she got the wedding postponed without half-killing herself, and it still wasn't right.

She wracks her brain as she heads for school, and when Mr. Schue mentions Karofsky during the Glee rehearsal, she remembers.

Not that she'd really forgotten about Karofsky's suicide attempt in the past few days, or that the Regionals performances were dedicated to him, but she'd been so focused on Rachel that she'd tuned him out for the past several attempts at the day.

Maybe it's Karofsky that she has to help.

She goes through her day as normally as possible, not seeking to change anything. They rehearse. Finn announces the wedding. They win Regionals. She gets her Cheerios uniform back. She hesitates, but finds Rachel in the hall, and asks to come to the wedding.

She skips Cheerios practice and leaves school to head to the hospital. She thinks about Karofsky as she drives. She remembers telling her friends in the God Squad that she couldn't understand how he could be so selfish as to consider taking his own life. Her opinion over the years has changed somewhat. She knows the despair he must've felt—she'd felt despair like it, many times in her life. But she'd always had something to fall back on—God, or Beth, or faith that things must get better. She sees that, now, as both a source of her own strength and pieces of luck that kept her from getting to the place that Karofsky found himself in.

And she just wants to tell Karofsky that it is going to get better. Even if her life hasn't been perfect, it's been good. She needs him to know his can be good, too. She only wishes she'd kept in touch with him on Facebook, or something, so she can tell him something real he has to look forward to.

It takes her some time to find where Karofsky is staying. The door is open, and she can hear voices inside. She stands for a minute, listening, and it's clear that Kurt is already here, doing what Quinn had planned on doing—telling Karofsky that it gets better.

She stands, indecisive, for awhile. Is there anything she can possibly add? What is she doing here, exactly?

She's just decided she should just turn around and go home, when she hears the door close quietly behind her, and Kurt is standing there. He stops and stares at her in surprise, then hisses quietly, "What are you doing here?"

Quinn spreads her hands, "The same thing you are, I guess."

He looks peevish, "I'm sure. I'm sure you can't possibly be here to tell him how selfish he was to try to escape the hell he was living in."

"I'm not," she defends, feeling more and more foolish the longer she stands here. "I wanted to tell him that things are going to get better for him, but—"

"Oh, please. Spare him the God lecture. I can't imagine what you could possibly tell him about things getting better."

"I just…" Quinn sighs, "I just know, okay? I know it's going to get better for all of us. I know we're all going to make it out of Lima and become the amazing, queer adults that we are."

Kurt stares at her for a moment, looking a little shell shocked, "Queer?" he asks.

Quinn nods, grimly, "I'm gay, Kurt. I'm gay and I know I have a happy life ahead of me. I just thought he could get something out of hearing that."

Kurt continues to stare for a long moment, and then he spits, "You're a coward, Quinn Fabray."

"What?" she's dumbfounded.

"You think you're allowed to tell him about how hard it is to grow up gay in Lima, Ohio? You don't know the first part of it. You've stood by, safe in your own closet, while people like me couldn't hide, and while people like him got pushed out. You played the straight game so well that you got pregnant, that you've had three guys trying to get at you all at once. You've hidden behind your cross, and your blonde hair and your baby bump and now you want to tell me that you're gay, and it gets better. Well, fuck your It Gets Better project, Quinn. It reeks of cowardice."

"You have no idea what I've been through to get to the point that I can even say it out loud," Quinn spits back, her voice choking up a little.

"Well, congratulations. Welcome out. Or, not really out. Because I'm not going to tell anyone what you've told me, but I know, you're not going to tell anyone either. Not until you're safe, far away at Yale, and won't have to worry about the judgment and hypocrisy of the bigots in your hometown. Bigotry and hypocrisy kill, and they almost killed Karofsky, and I'm not going to let the symbol of cowardly hypocrisy take another step closer to him."

"You have no idea what you're saying," she defends weakly, though in a way, she knows he's not entirely wrong. She was still wrestling with her feelings at this age, not ready to admit what they might mean. She was too cowardly, or maybe too blind, too deep in denial, to come out in high school. But that didn't mean it was easy, and it didn't mean high school wasn't hell.

"Go home, Quinn. Go get your bridesmaids dress, and come watch the girl you're obsessed with get married. Leave Karofsky alone."

"Fine," she spits, her heart rocketing around in her ribs, both in fury, and in panic, that he can see so easily how she feels about Rachel.

But when it comes down to it, she can't face Kurt again today. Maybe she is a coward. She texts Rachel, telling her she is running late and probably won't make it in time, and lets Rachel do what she will.

Her phone rings all through the evening, from both Rachel and Finn, but she doesn't pick up. If Rachel reacted anything like the last times, she won't go through with it happily without Quinn there. She's either postponed it, or told Finn she doesn't feel married. Either way, Quinn isn't all that curious to find out.

.

She's relieved when her alarm wakes her up the next day, because the previous day had been such a clusterfuck.

She stares at the date on her phone, her fury at Kurt boiling again.

February 24th, 2012

Fuck it, she thinks, and gets ready for school.

She marches into the school building, purposeful strides taking her to her locker. Brittany is nearby, as usual, and greets Quinn. Quinn is struck with an idea, "Brittany?" she asks, "Do you think you could let me make an announcement?"

"Sure," Brittany says easily, "I'm Class President, they let me make announcements whenever I want."

"I know," Quinn smiles, vaguely remembering the strange announcements Brittany used to make. She breaks into her locker quickly, and then the two of them head down to Figgins's office. Brittany smiles politely at the office clerk, who rolls her eyes, sighs, and passing the intercom to Brittany.

"What do you want me to say?" Brittany asks.

"Can I do it?" Quinn asks.

"Sure. Tell me when you're ready, and I'll start the announcement."

Quinn takes a deep breath, steeling herself. "Ready," she says quietly.

Brittany pushes the button on the little microphone, and says, "Attention, staff and students. This is your Senior Class President, here with a special announcement from Quinn Fabray." She nods to Quinn.

Quinn closes her eyes. "Hi," she says, her voice wavering, "My name is Quinn Fabray, and I'm gay and in love with Rachel Berry." There's a long pause, and then Quinn says, "That's all."

"Thank you, Quinn," Brittany says, tone even. "Tune in next time for important announcements from your Senior Class President."

Quinn is shaking by the time Brittany passes the intercom back to the completely shocked office clerk. "Come on," Brittany says, "We should get to the choir room."

"Wait," Quinn says, faltering a little, "Aren't you, you know, going to say anything?"

"Why would I? I'm bi and in love with Santana Lopez. It's wonderful, isn't it?"

"I guess. Except that she's engaged to Finn."

"What? No, she's not."

"No, not Santana. Rachel."

"Oh, yeah," Brittany says, then shrugs, "Well, maybe you can change that."

"Doubt it," Quinn sighs, thinking about how many times she's tried.

She tries to hold her head high when the two of them enter the choir room, but she can feel everyone's eyes on her. Everyone except Finn and Rachel, who aren't there yet. Kurt, in particular, looks shocked, but he smiles, a little, when he sees her. Quinn gives him a wary look.

Kurt stands and crosses the room, then hugs her. "Welcome out," he tells her quietly, "That was…incredibly brave."

"I feel so stupid," she tells him.

He shakes his head, "Well, your timing could be better, especially since we'll need to perform together and I'm not sure how Rachel and especially Finn is going to react…"

Quinn laughs tightly, and when she sits down next to Santana, people are staring less. At least Kurt helped break some of the tension.

Santana nudges her, "You're so fucked," she comments.

"What are you talking about?"

"I've been there," Santana says, staring at the whiteboard and not looking at her or Brittany, "And it sucks. And I'm sorry."

Quinn remembers Santana's misery when Brittany was dating Artie. "Yeah," is all she can think of to say.

Then, Santana smirks, "Though, it took you long enough. From the moment I met your repressed ass, I knew you were a big ol' dy—"

Mr. Schue clears his throat, "Well, I suppose we'll start now. I'm sure Rachel and Finn will be along in a moment."

It's almost halfway through rehearsal when Rachel and Finn arrive, both looking distinctly uncomfortable. Finn glances at Quinn, as if making sure she's here, and his face is a mess of confusion. Rachel doesn't look at her at all, and Quinn's heart sinks.

Backstage, Finn doesn't announce the wedding, and Quinn perks up at the change to the timeline.

They perform fine at Regionals, and win. They go back to class, where everyone stares at Quinn unabashedly, and Quinn gets her uniform from Sue Sylvester, who tells her that despite her foolish announcement, she still admires her.

This time, though, she doesn't go looking for Rachel. It's Rachel who finds her.

"Quinn, I…um, nice uniform?" Rachel greets, looking perplexed at her attire.

"What do you think?" Quinn asks, unable to allow the distinctly vulnerable question "how do I look?" come out of her mouth.

"I want you to be happy," is Rachel's response. Quinn nods, and stares at her expectantly. Rachel takes a deep breath. "Finn and I were going to get married today."

Quinn tries to look surprised, "Today?"

Rachel nods. "Yes. But…we're going to postpone it."

"Because of me?" Quinn asks.

"Yes," Rachel still can't quite look at her, "I just…I couldn't do that to you. I couldn't ask you to attend the wedding after what you did."

"I…thank you, I guess."

"I'm giving you time to get over me," Rachel tells her softly, "Because I really want you at the wedding, but I want you there able to support me."

"Rachel…" Quinn sighs, "I might never be able to support this."

"But you can get over me, right?" Rachel implores, sounding desperate. "Given enough time?"

"I…maybe," Quinn lies, knowing that even as an adult, twelve years later, she's still not completely over Rachel Berry.

"I need you to be okay with this."

"I don't know how to be," Quinn tells her honestly, "I want you to be happy, but…I want to be happy too."

"Finn is what makes me happy," Rachel says stubbornly.

"I know you say that now," Quinn says, cringing a little at her choice of words, "But tell me one thing. If you weren't with Finn…"

"I don't know," Rachel shakes her head roughly, "God, Quinn, I just don't know. I can't process this right, I can't even think clearly. You're so important to me. You're so beautiful and smart and amazing and brave. And…I just don't know. Telling me to forget Finn…it's just not that simple." Rachel looks at her for the first time, "I thought I had my life planned out. But now I don't know what to think."

"You're always allowed to change your mind," Quinn offers.

"I can't," Rachel tells her, "That's why I need you to be okay with this. That's why I need you to get over me."

"I can't make any promises," Quinn says softly, then turns and walks away, leaving Rachel looking desperate and hurt behind her.

Somehow, this has affected Rachel, even more strongly than the other time she admitted her feelings. It's thrown Rachel into a desperate state of mind.

Quinn almost feels triumphant.

As she's heading for Cheerios practice, she's approached by Finn.

"I really need you to get over Rachel," he tells her, while passersby all stare at them. One guy yells something to him about his girlfriend "lezzing out."

"I really need you people to stop telling me how to feel," she spits.

"Don't you get it? I need to marry her, and you're standing in the way."

"I can't stand in the way of two people who want to get married, unless one of them isn't sure, can I?" she challenges.

He frowns, and she can see the gears turning, and she walks away before he can say anything else.

She's catcalled by Rick the Stick and a few other obnoxious boys on the way to the locker room—something about them "fixing" her. She ignores them.

Inside the locker room, some of the girls stare at her warily, but by now, they're all used to Santana and Brittany, so they relax after a moment. Besides, Quinn is already dressed, so all she does is stash her belongings into a locker and head out to the field.

After practice, as she's heading to her car, she sees she has a voicemail from Rachel.

She listens as she sits in her car.

"I just…wanted to clear up some things about our conversation. I don't want you to get the wrong idea. Yes, of course I have some doubts about marrying Finn. I think everyone has some doubts when they're getting married. But it's my choice, and I've already chosen it, and there's nothing you can do to change my mind. I don't want you to live in false hope, Quinn. I've already chosen Finn."

Quinn throws the phone aside and drives home. She storms into her room.

As she's lying down, she realizes, Rachel is presenting it as a choice. A choice she's already made, but a choice between Quinn and Finn nonetheless.

There's the tiniest spark of hope in Quinn's chest. Maybe this is the right timeline. Maybe that notion of a choice will stay in the back of Rachel's brain as she postpones her wedding, and postpones it again and again.

Maybe this timeline is one Quinn can work with.

.

When the alarm wakes her up, she just wants to cry.

She's frustrated, she's delirious with the monotony, and she's angry. She's done all she can. She's tried everything, and even when she's sure she's made some headway, she's just pushed right back to the beginning. Right back to that fateful date.

February 24th, 2012

She has no idea what to do with this day, so she just goes with the flow for awhile, thinking. She can't stop thinking about Rachel's distress the previous incarnation of the day, her inability to completely let go of the idea of Quinn.

It isn't until she has her Cheerios uniform again and she finds Rachel that she decides to try to say anything.

"When you were singing that song…you were singing it to all of us, weren't you?"

Rachel's face splits into a smile, and she nods.

"Singing really makes you so happy, doesn't it? Singing, and performing, and being a part of something special?"

"It does. It really, really does.'

"Don't you think that's the future you should be building?"

Rachel frowns, "What do you mean?"

"What I mean is, performing is your destiny, and because it makes you happy, I want to make sure that you get there."

Rachel narrows her eyes, "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying, I'd love to come to the wedding, if I really, truly believed that marrying Finn would help you on your way."

Rachel's shoulders slump, "I should have known you'd try to talk me out of it one last time." She fixes Quinn with a hard look, "I want you there, I really, really do. But I won't make you attend. And if you can't support my marriage, at least support my choice. Wasn't it something you said? You can't change your past, but you can let go and start your future, or something like that? I am starting my future, and I want Finn to be part of it. Believe me when I say, I won't let him hold me back. I'm taking him with me, and if you can't accept that, or believe in me, I don't know what else to say to you."

"You really think you can drag him with you?"

"Quinn," Rachel says sharply, "You just have to accept that there are some things you can't change. Come to the wedding, or don't. But if you do, accept that this isn't a choice for you to make. It's my choice, and it's my future to build, and I'm going to build it my way."

Quinn is struck by her conviction, and by having her own words flung back in her face.

You can't change your past.

Quinn doesn't attend the wedding that evening. But that's because she finally knows what she must do.

.

Quinn wakes up. She showers, she puts on her babydoll dress. She's a bit cold to her mother in the morning, much as she feels bad doing so. She goes to school. She breaks into her locker quickly and subtly, and heads down to the choir room.

She practices, pretending that she doesn't know the new dance, just like everyone else. She watches the competition, stands up during the Warblers' number. She listens to Finn's backstage announcement, chewing her lip, eyes on Rachel.

She helps win Regionals. She celebrates alongside her team. She goes back to class. She goes to Coach Sylvester's office, and acts surprised and grateful when she's presented with her uniform once again. She puts it on, and confronts Rachel in the hall, and they have that same, painful conversation one last, painful time.

She goes to Cheerios practice. She lets Sue keep her late, talking, and then she texts Rachel just before driving home.

She gets her dress. She puts it on. She gets back in the car.

Her adrenaline rises when she gets stuck behind the tractor.

And only moments later comes the text.

WHERE ARE YOU?

Quinn doesn't let herself think, or second guess anything, as she reaches for her phone. She glances up. She can see the stop sign ahead of her, but she holds the phone, tapping out her reply. Her heart is pounding, and she's doing all she can to stay relaxed. She doesn't know how the outcome of the accident might change if she's tense. She knows that can lead to more damage to the body.

Quinn stays loose, trusting in the Higher Power that governs the world, as she replies.

ON MY WAY

She has a vague awareness of brutal impact, a sound like a cannon going off, and then nothing.

.

It feels like only moments later that Quinn wakes up to her alarm.

She nearly shouts with joy when she realizes it's not "O-o-h Child," it's the latest Tegan and Sara hit from their reunion album.

She touches her body, her tank top and boxers, the parts of her that aren't teenager-scrawny anymore. She taps her phone to turn off the alarm, and gets up. It's almost difficult to remember that she is supposed to do today, but she at least knows she has to go to work, and as she goes through her morning routine—which is still pretty similar to her morning routine in high school—this timeline starts to come back to her.

She goes to work, thinking all day. What was the purpose of being sent back in time to live that day over and over again? She couldn't change the past. That became abundantly clear.

But she'd learned a few things, hadn't she? She'd always known that Finn and Rachel were not ready to get married, that they weren't right for each other. But especially that day she made that announcement, she learned…Rachel thought of her as a choice she could possibly have made.

After work, she takes the Green Line to her neighborhood. She sends a text to Puck to ask if the current phone number he has for Rachel is the same that she has, and he confirms. She walks home and steps into her empty apartment. It's good. This might be a difficult phone call, and she doesn't want Kristi to overhear and make her self-conscious.

She calls Rachel Berry's phone number.

She answers on the second ring. "Rachel Berry speaking. Is this…Quinn?"

Quinn breathes out, her body relaxing somewhat. "Yeah. It's me. Hi," she says awkwardly.

"Hello," Rachel says, her voice soft, "To what do I owe the pleasure?"

"Listen," Quinn says, "I'm going to be in New York this weekend," she decides on the spot, "And I'm wondering if you'd like to meet up and talk? I've been thinking a lot lately, and I think you and I both deserve a second chance."

Quinn squeezes her eyes shut anxiously. It's probably the bravest thing she's ever said.

"I'd like that," is Rachel's quiet, breathless response.

Quinn smiles.

She can't change her past, but she can always start her future.

A/N: Title from Kaki King, "Second Brain."