Dick had grown to hate himself. He hated that he was betraying Artemis, he hated that he felt guilty about it but never stopped. He hated that he pushed himself onto Wally, he hated that Wally let Dick use him. He hated that despite how much he'd convince himself that he'd never go back to Wally he did anyways.
He always went back to him because he knew he couldn't have him any other way. No matter how much Dick loved him it could never make Wally love him back. That's not how it worked. Wally was merely letting Dick use him so he could feel better, because that's what best friends do; they pick you up and console you.
He knew he needed to stop. He had to call it off, to stop visiting Wally in the middle of the night. He needed to stop staying over whenever he'd visit. It wasn't fair to any of them, especially Artemis.
Dick couldn't help but be jealous of Artemis. She had exactly what he wanted; Wally. Dick may have him for a moment, or even an entire night, but he didn't have him constantly, all the time, like Artemis did. She was able to come home to his smiling face and wake up next to it in the mornings. Dick was lucky if he ever woke up next to Wally. The times he was fortunate enough to wake up to the older man drooling were after long, hard nights after even longer and harder missions. Ones that really stressed Dick out. Wally had always known how to calm and unwind Dick after an exhausting day.
But Artemis was able to come home to that every day. She was able to kiss Wally anytime she wanted, she was able to hold his hand and kiss the spot at the nape of his neck (did she know about that spot?) to calm the red head, whenever she wanted. Dick was thankful he could even see his best friend, much less have sex with him.
He was lucky that Wally even let it go on, he was lucky that Wally was concerned with comforting him so much. That was all it was. They were just friends, one comforting the other. Nothing more, no matter how often Dick's thoughts would drift. No matter how much the hunger inside Dick would burn. How badly it would scorn him.
It was nearly seven months since they started their fling, and five since Artemis had been gone. It had gone on longer than Dick ever thought it would. It was only supposed to be that one kiss on the rooftop seven months ago and that's it. It wasn't supposed to develop into something more. It wasn't supposed to escalate into something so complicated, so delicate.
Dick was in the process of putting his police uniform back on when Wally finally said something after the nights events.
"Dick."
"Yeah?" the superhero responded as he finished buttoning his shirt. He didn't bother tucking it back in, it was going to be removed when he got home anyways.
"I think we should quit this." Wally was still naked, sitting in bed, which he did often whenever Dick would go home instead of staying the night. Dick tried not to think about the fact that Wally watched him redress on those nights, it seemed too intimate.
Dick stopped buckling his belt, and turned to look at Wally. He stared at him for a long moment. He knew this moment had to come, the moment where one of them called it off. He expected it to happen a lot sooner than it did, though, but it still came as a bit of a surprise. He did not let the emotion show on his face, however. He couldn't let Wally know that he was slightly upset that what they had would be ending. He needed to convince Wally that things were okay now, he didn't need comforting anymore. They didn't need to sneak around or cheat or betray. They could go back to the way things used to be. That's what he tried convincing Wally, anyways.
"I agree," he finally responded once he had collected his thoughts and composed his face. And he did agree. It had to be called off sooner or later. The top secret mission Artemis was on was going to be over soon and it's not like they could continue their fling forever. It would have to end and then they'd go back to their respective partners (in Dick's case, lack thereof) and continue on with their lives like it didn't happen. Because it wasn't supposed to happen. Ever. It was one large, drawn out mistake that was finally coming to an end. An end that should have happened a long time ago.
That was the last thing they said to each other before Dick leapt from the window onto the ground, soundlessly, like he did the first night they were together. His mind was blank as he made his way home over rooftops and through back alleys.
As soon as he stepped foot into his apartment he locked the door and made a beeline for the bed, where he faces planted into the pillows and covers. After a few minutes of trying his hardest to think of nothing he fell asleep.
Dick's dream was a cloud of green, red and freckles.
It had been two years since the last time Dick ever spoke to Wally. It had been two years since Wally ended what their mangled relationship had become. With Artemis home within the next couple of months and no more top secret missions they had no reason to talk. They drifted further apart than before.
One would say that their friendship was something that was just a far off memory, when everything was aster and there was no "dis". They were acquaintances now, if that. Dick couldn't even bring himself to stay friends with Wally. He knew if he tried to talking to him that the hunger he had hidden away would resurface and make things complicated and confusing again. If he didn't talk to Wally things would be okay. And they were.
Eventually Dick got fed up of thinking of Wally and the memories of him. He got fed up of remembering the nights they'd spend together, of what their friendship was like seven years ago, before aster gained a very heavy "dis". That's what their relationship had dwindled down to; a disaster. There was no other way to put it.
He got fed up of being upset about what happened between them. Some nights he found himself missing the sound of Wally's voice the most. He missed how Wally's laugh grew and rumbled from somewhere deep inside him, how deep and gruff his voice sounded one moment and then soft and comforting the next. He missed how much Wally could convey in an array of sentences or just one word. He had missed it so much he considered calling his old friend. He had even gotten far enough to where he had the first four digits programmed into his phone before he hastily clicked the back button and shoved it underneath his pillow.
They didn't speak anymore, not after one year, not after two years. Wally continued to live his life with Artemis and Brucely. He continued to go to Stanford and maintain good grades from what little Dick heard from Barry. Dick didn't hear much about his old friends. He couldn't bear to look at Artemis the same way after what he had done to her, whether she was aware of it or not. Wally could have told her for all Dick knew. A part of Dick thought that if she did know she would have ended it with the red head, or maybe she would have stayed. Because they simply loved each other like that.
Dick didn't like to think about Artemis that much. It made him sick to his stomach. It wasn't that he hated her—no, he couldn't hate her. She was strong, independent and someone worth looking up to and aspiring to be in his books. He merely envied her, or rather, what she had that he didn't and would never be able to have.
And that just made him feel worse after what he had done behind her back. He didn't deserve to be her friend, so they talked less and less until eventually they said nothing at all.
The first couple of weeks Dick spent alone he thought of the day when Artemis would return home and how she and Wally would make their way back to the bedroom and celebrate being reunited at last. He thought about how lucky she was to have someone like Wally, how she got to see him, hold his hand, comfort and console and be there for him.
Dick couldn't even bring himself to say a simple formality to his old friend, and he hated that. He hated that he let Wally affect him so much, so negatively. He hated that Artemis had what he wanted, he hated that he stabbed her in the back and as much as he hated to admit it, because it's what really made him hate himself, he hated that it ended. Because he wanted Wally so much that every fiber in his being burned, aching, still, with that desperate hunger inside him.
