Author's note: Thank you to ct522 for her proofreading and encouragement!
4 months after the cameras leave, one month before the Victory Tour
Peeta's life has settled into a pattern, and it isn't a good one. His unhappiness is growing by the day.
His mother has poisoned his interactions with his brothers and his father at the bakery. She is no longer subtle with her insults to him, and delivers them to him directly. The rest of the family is afraid of provoking her wrath if they show him any kindness, and besides, they are starting to at least partially believe the things she says. They've seen his violent reactions to being startled. Maybe he is as dangerous, as murderous, as she says. Maybe he always has been, they just missed it in him. (That way, they don't have to feel guilty about not stepping in to help him against their mother, not if she was right about him all along. Maybe her punishment is what kept him in check all this time.) And the girls that are hanging around, well, they don't have the best reputations. They've all slept with or otherwise had (sexual) contact with many of the male athletes and other high status students (and maybe not just students), or that's what people say (and why would people say it if it wasn't true?). It's clear what they want from Peeta. They must have some reason to think it could happen, right?
Peeta continues to remains polite to everyone that comes in, but it's harder and harder. Some days he's on edge because he doesn't think he deserves to be treated this way. More and more days, he has started thinking he doesn't deserve anything more from his family, and that he might as well give in to everything else they expect from him. It would feel so good to give back just a little of what he gets from his mother…
Delly no longer comes to Peeta's door, because Peeta stopped answering when she did. She was too happy, and hearing about how everyone else's lives just continued on like nothing happened (because to them, nothing did happen) was too difficult. Peeta's brothers no longer come to visit, not that they ever did with any regularity. Haymitch barges in occasionally, but otherwise, Peeta is completely alone in his house.
Peeta doesn't sleep. He skips that step and paints the nightmares directly onto canvas. One night, he got drunk with Haymitch, but after that, Haymitch wasn't really willing to share his alcohol with him, not more than a single drink. He could acquire his own, but in his mind, the Hob belongs to Katniss and Gale. He keeps thinking about the sleep he got that night.
Peeta's mind is stuck in the Arena. It goes back and forth between being afraid of every threat he encountered, and examining every interaction with Katniss. Was any of it real? Was she laughing at him the entire time?
ooo
Life has settled into a pattern, but it isn't one that Katniss is happy with. Her mind is stuck in the arena. Some of it is the nightmares, some is the threats she sees around every corner. More and more, she is stuck in the trap of replaying events, trying to see what she could have done differently. Is there any way that she and Peeta could have both gotten out of the Arena without her hurting him like she did? Every time, she comes up with the same answer. No.
All this time mentally spent with Peeta makes her realize that she really liked how they were when they were together, and that she would like to be friends again. (Yes, just friends. Except when she thinks of that one kiss in the cave, one kiss out of all the kisses they exchanged, and for the first time in her life in District 12, she briefly entertains the idea of maybe wanting more than friendship. She tries very hard not to think about that kiss and the other thoughts that come with it.)
The next time she sees Peeta and looks away, she realizes she's acting like her mother, in the ways that Katniss least respects her. She's checking out of the situation rather than facing it head on. Her father was never like that. Whatever the challenge, he met it head-on. She can't respect her own behaviour, and she makes her decision. She decides it is time to channel her father instead.
ooo
Haymitch has been closer to sober than drunk most of the time recently. There are events happening around the nation that are demanding his attention, events that were unwittingly kicked off by these kids. He's been keeping an eye on the two of them, but he realizes maybe just watching isn't enough, he'd better figure out what is going on with them.
Three weeks before the Victory Tour
It takes Katniss a week. She tracks Peeta like she would her prey in the forest, analyzing when he is home, when she stands a good chance of trapping him with time to talk to her. She thinks hard about what to say to him- words are not her strength.
The day that Katniss comes by Peeta's house, his mind is ricocheting between what his mother said that day (she couldn't believe he was stupid enough to believe that anyone, even that Seam trash, would fall for him like that) and his own thoughts about what had happened. He's not in a good place.
Katniss asks if they can talk. He shrugs and sits down on the steps. It's cold, but not freezing, and he doesn't feel like asking her in. She pauses and sits down next to him. She feels exposed and even more nervous than before.
She's thought a lot about what she needs to say to him. This is important. She's planned it out, since this isn't the sort of conversation she's comfortable with. It seems like more words than she's ever spoken at one time before, and it all sounds stiff and strange to her, but she needs to make sure she gets her entire message out this time.
"Look Peeta, I want us be friends. I want to spend time with someone that knows what it means to be in the Arena. I liked spending time with you, and that's saying a lot, considering when it was. I'm sorry I hurt you. I never meant for that to happen. I never wanted to be romantically involved with anyone. That's how all my future plans were. Then I thought you and Haymitch had this plan to get us sponsors, and I went along with it. I didn't think you meant it! Then I started feeling things I never thought I'd feel, that I didn't think I could feel. And I started to consider the possibility your side of it was real, but I didn't know, and I couldn't ask, not then. I only really knew I needed to protect you, and that I needed to get you out of there with me. I've thought about it over and over, and I haven't come up with any way I could get both of us out of the Arena without hurting you. I'm sorry!"
Somehow, his mother takes over his brain. He stops listening around the time Katniss says she's sorry she hurt him, because his mother-brain doesn't believe she liked anything about the time they were together. He completely misses her implication that she never even considered a romantic relationship with Gale. He certainly doesn't think about the question of what she could have done differently. He responds just like his mother would, with a stream of insults, using the words his mother has been throwing at him, using the thoughts that haven't left him alone since they returned-
"How stupid do you think I am, to think I'd believe any of that garbage? What, did Gale dump you? Is that why you're talking to me now? Is the Girl On Fire looking for even more fuel for her flames? I'm not looking to get burned. Why would you think I'd want to be around you, after everything you've done?"
Katniss had never once imagined a response like this. She'd never thought it was possible for Peeta, her sweet Peeta, to behave like this. She doesn't say another word, just takes off running, heading for the fence, for the place beyond it where she can leave this pain behind. She doesn't think about, but heads for the lake. She's never shared it with anyone, not since her father shared it with her. There she can have peace, with no thoughts of Peeta, or of Gale, and she can try to escape the Games entirely.
It doesn't take more than a minute for Peeta's brain to emerge from behind his mother-brain, and for him to be horrified by what he's done. He knows how much those words hurt. Quite a few of them have been directed his way recently. He tries to follow, but there is no chance of his catching up with her. He gets to the meadow where she slips under the fence, but she's long gone.
As he sits there, he feels worse and worse about what he's done. The worse he feels, the louder his mother-brain gets. Soon it takes over again. The insults it yells in everyone else's direction spare him from his guilt over his treatment of Katniss (and his guilt over everything that happened in the Arena, a guilt which never really goes away).
ooo
Katniss returns home late that night. She doesn't sleep at all, as usual, and then spends an entire day in her bed, not sleeping, not thinking, and best of all, not feeling, before pulling herself together. It's hard, but she does it. She reminds herself that she takes after her father, not her mother (she isn't entirely convinced). She thinks it won't take much more for her to fall apart. She thinks that maybe what she needs is sleep (which she didn't get in spite of all the hours in her room), and Haymitch seems to have an answer for this.
After dark, she heads to Haymitch's house. She doesn't knock. She doesn't bother with anything beyond a simple "Hey, Haymitch". She simply grabs his open bottle of the local white liquor and takes a swig. She sputters and spits it right out, and then tries a smaller swallow. Haymitch asks if she'll give him his bottle back now. She just scowls at him, so he pulls out another one.
Once he judges she has had enough to sleep soundly, he takes the bottle from her, and tells her to go home. He watches as she staggers out the door, and doesn't look away until the door to her house opens.
ooo
Mrs. Everdeen sits, watching Katniss sway as she steps in the door.
"Katniss Everdeen, you're drunk! I thought you knew better than to behave this way, if not for your own sake, then for Prim's. I'll help you get to bed now, but tomorrow we will talk about this."
"No, no we won't, MOTHER. You d-don't get to judge me. I am not a child anymore. I stopped being a child when I f-first killed someone, when I killed Glimmer and, and, and, I don't even know her NAME, but I killed her too. And I killed him and I watched Rue die. And I shot Cato, but I didn't kill him, and I listened to him all night, and then I did kill him, and then Peeta almost died, and I almost died, and Peeta almost died AGAIN, and I wasn't even a child when I went there. I wasn't cuz I had to save Prim, but that wasn't just at the Reaping, I had to save her from starving over and over, and I haven't been a child since I was 11 fucking years old, and you weren't my mother, you weren't when I needed you, and now YOU DON'T GET TO JUDGE ME." By then, the slurred words were becoming even further blurred by tears that develop into sobs.
Mrs. Everdeen stands frozen through this speech. Katniss thinks (rather fuzzily) she'd like to hear what her mother has to say about all of this, but isn't surprised that no reaction is forthcoming. After all, that's the problem. Her mother doesn't want to face difficult situations.
Prim had been asleep, but wakes up with the yelling. Mrs. Everdeen finally moves again as she sees her youngest daughter approach her eldest child, and between them they guide Katniss up the stairs, and silently undress her and put her in bed. No one speaks as Mrs. Everdeen and Prim take themselves to bed as well. Katniss appreciates the sleep she gets, and no one brings up that night the next day (or any time after that).
ooo
Haymitch continues to watch the two Victors from a distance. Until recently, he thought perhaps they were handling things OK, as much as could be expected, but the lack of any interaction between them caught his attention. He'd expected the girl to come try out his method of escape much earlier, and the initiative she showed in talking to the boy surprised him. The way the boy's family treated him in the bakery (he'd started stopping by for bread, but really to observe the boy) worried him. The way the boy reacted to the girl terrified him, on behalf of both of them and of all of Panem. He's concerned about what's going to happen next.
