HOLD ME
There's a sound, a door slamming loud, but I keep my eyes closed. I don't want to witness it, the destruction that I'm causing. I don't want it. I don't want this.
I'm going to lose it. Help me. Help me help me kill me now someone kill me now please.
I was about to release it, I was about to lose control and release it when I suddenly feel something warm against my skin, engulfing me, slowly, ever so slowly banishing the cold.
"Sshh." It says. "I'm here. I'm here. You're going to be okay. I'm here."
It's him. It's him.
My eyes remain closed, I hold his arms. I grip them tight. And then I realized that they're not covered.
I scream. For the first time in years I scream and I push him far from me when all I really want to do is hide inside his arms and never leave. But I can't. I couldn't risk it. I'm so alive, so full, so electrified that I'm afraid I'll hurt him. Because I have hurt people before. And they all died. Whatever this man is, whoever he is, I don't want him to die.
Never again. Never again.
"It's me!" He yells, trying to hold on to me. "Don't be afraid. I'm not going to hurt you."
But he doesn't get it. No one gets it. They don't know me. They don't know what I can do. So I keep fighting him back. I keep pushing, pulling away from his hold. He's so strong and I'm so weak but I'm so charged right now that I could meet his strength. I'm fighting him and I'm fighting myself and I'm trying to stop the ground from shaking, the thunders from rolling, the lightning from striking. I'm fighting, and I don't know why.
I don't know why.
I just want to die.
"Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! Kent! Get the fuck over here and disable her! Now!"
I don't understand what he's saying. He's here again, this Kent. Whoever he is, whatever he means about disabling, I hope, I hope I hope I hope that that means they're going to actually pull out a gun and shoot me this time. Because I can't anymore. I'm so exhausted. I'm so alive for the first time in years but I'm also tired. I'm so tired and I just want to rest.
The dream. I want the dream back. I want to—
Someone pulls me hard against him and hold me firmly. I squirm. I don't open my eyes and dare see everything. But I fight. I pull out from his hold.
"If you would just let me hold you," he says, but he's not him. Maybe he's Kent. Maybe this is him. He pulls me harshly to him and this time, holds me firmly in my place. I struggle but I couldn't get out. And he keeps me there. He's keeping me inside his arms. "Just stay still. This is going to end soon," he says and his voice holds a sort of soft comfort, as if he was sure about what he said.
But I stop fighting altogether, not because I can't but because I suddenly feel drained. It's warm. My inner core. It's there again. I can feel it throbbing inside. I'm warm all over. I don't hear the thunders anymore, or the clouds. They're retreating. The storm outside and inside. They're retreating.
I'm suddenly calm.
And then I finally, finally, I found the words.
"What did you just do to me?" I ask. My voice sounds foreign and as I spoke my throat hurts. But I need to speak. I need to ask. "Why am I not dead?"
He lets out a low chuckle. Not him. He. The one who holds me. I feel the vibrations of his voice from his chest. But he doesn't answer my question. Instead he says, "Girls, I think she needs more rest."
"Yes."
"Of course."
Two new female voices. I don't know them. I don't recognize them. Who are they? Who are these people?
"Who," I start saying but I'm so tired. So so so exhausted that my body just won't lend me energy to speak. Now, of all time, it's not letting me speak when I already can. But I try, again. "Who…who…are…"
"Don't force yourself. You need rest. Plenty of rest."
He's laying me back down the bed. I'm momentarily surprised that it didn't break. And then slowly, I open my eyes. "Who…are…you?"
I don't know who this person hovering over me. I don't know if he's Him or he's Kent. I I want him to be Him because his eyes are so beautiful. So blue, like the sky. The sky that I have only seen for a short amount of time before. But my eyes fall to his mouth, and they're not familiar.
No. It's not Him.
"W-wh-ere is…is…he?" I croak out at the same time as Blue Eyes says, "Girls, now?"
He takes one last look at me, smiles a little and then he's gone from my view.
"Wait," I grab his hand by my limp hand. He looks back. "W-where…he…the one w-who didn't…who di—d—"
"Kenji," he calls. And then someone appears beside him.
My eyes widen. I suck in my breath. It's Him. And he's looking at me.
He has a pair of black eyes.
His attention turns to Blue Eyes when he starts saying something to him. But I want those eyes to me. I want to hold him. I want to thank him.
So I release my hold of Blue Eyes and grabs His—Kenji's—hand. He's startled and looks at me with a small frown. He's confused. He doesn't know. No. He doesn't know anything.
"Thank…you."
The last thing I saw before I allow myself to fall is a pair of surprised onyx eyes. I fell, still holding his hand. I've never felt more peaceful.
