Chapter Three: The Ever Swirling Tide.
Addison flinched as her office door was suddenly flung open; she knew Sam was only trying to help but she didn't want to talk, she didn't want to grieve, she just wanted to get on with her life.
"Don't look too pleased to see me" Charlotte's voice tore through Addison's anxiety.
"Charlotte, I'm sorry, I…." Addison began to explain and she stood up behind her desk.
"You thought I was Sam" Charlotte said directly, calling Addison out on her hiding.
"I…" Addison couldn't disguise the look of guilt as she tried to find the right words to deny her behaviour. Even after working together all this time Charlotte's directness still caught Addison off guard.
"It's alright," Charlotte said simply as she sat in the chair opposite Addison's desk "I know, you just want your life to go back to normal, to pretend your Mum didn't die, that she didn't kill herself and your Dad isn't an alcoholic."
"Charlotte, I, no one else…." Addison stuttered
"Don't worry Addison I haven't told anyone, I know about secrets. But let me tell you one thing – it will have to come out sooner or later because no matter how much you try to push it down, try to ignore it, it will eat you until it controls you." Charlotte said, her voice tinged with experience.
"Charlotte what happened to you…it's…..well it's not like what happened to me, nothing happened to me….."
"It happened to you Addison, it's happening to you right now and it will carry on happening until you let yourself feel it and, well, when you do I'll be here" the words tumbled from Charlotte's confident mouth.
Addison felt something build inside her, a few months ago she would never have imagined needing Charlotte or that Charlotte would be in a position to support anyone else but she was a remarkable woman, a remarkable friend.
"Thanks" Addison said quietly as Charlotte pushed herself up from her chair and started for the door.
"It's the least I can do" Charlotte said sincerely as she turned and left the office.
Addison spent the rest of the morning flicking from email to email and not replying to any of them, she just wanted the world to start spinning again, she wanted her life to go back to how it was before Bizzy's early morning phone call, before Susan's illness and before she had unearthed the hidden feelings she held for Bizzy. She took a deep breath and puffed out her cheeks as she wondered why her life was complicated.
It was late afternoon by the time Sam entered her office and woke her from the sleep she wasn't even aware she was having.
"Naomi said you were still here" Sam said softly as he approached her desk "you shouldn't have come into work today."
Addison, too tired to argue anymore, pushed her hair back from her face and stretched her tired arms out in front of her. There was a part of her that wanted to let him in, needed to let him in but there was also a part of her, a much bigger part, that knew that letting him in would mean facing what had happened, talking about how she felt and losing control and she knew it was fear that kept her from giving in to him, fear of feeling, of falling apart and never being able to put herself back together again.
"Oh sorry we can come back...I…" Naomi muttered as she burst into Addison's office, Olivia in her arms. She knew from the tired look on Addison's face and the determined one on Sam's that she had walked into the middle of something.
"No, Nai, come in we were just…we were just nothing…" Addison attempted to smile as she encouraged Naomi into the room. "Is Olivia ok?" Addison said, a hint of confusion and concern in her voice as Naomi stood there holding Olivia in her arms "her check-up isn't until next week"
"Oh I…no" Naomi was taken aback that Addison was unaware of the fact Olivia was staying with Sam for the weekend. She hadn't realised how broken things had come between her two friends. She knew this story all too well, Addison falling apart, refusing any help, denying herself happiness.
"I'm looking after Olivia for the weekend" Sam said plainly as he walked towards Naomi, arms outstretched and a huge smile on his face.
"If it's not a good time…..Maya and I can rearrange…" Naomi began not wanting to cause tension between Sam and Addison and not wanting to upset her friend who she could see was swirling in a maddening tide.
"No it's fine. Fine" Addison smiled, snapping back into reality and smiling at Naomi "are you and Maya going somewhere nice?"
"Just a spa. A bit of mother daughter bonding time" Naomi replied.
"Sounds great" Addison said as Naomi's words rang out and caused an instant silence.
"Oh Addison I'm sorry, I didn't…" Naomi's apology was sincere and heartfelt as she silently cursed herself for letting the words slip out so easily.
"Nai stop," Addison smiled from her desk "and have a nice time with Maya."
Naomi smiled back at her friend, under normal circumstances she knew that at that moment the two of them would have shared a friendly hug but Naomi knew that Addison's position behind her desk was for a reason and she knew better than to push her friend.
"Well, behave yourself for your granddad" Naomi cooed at Olivia who was smiling in Sam's arms "and don't get too cute while I'm away – I don't want to miss anything" she said as she planted a kiss on Olivia's head. "Call me if there's anything" Naomi said to Sam as she forced herself to back away from Olivia and towards the door.
"We'll be fine," Sam said as he grinned at Olivia "I have done this before remember, plus, she'll have the best person to hand should she need anything" Sam said smiling towards Addison.
Addison managed a half convincing smile in response to Sam's question and Naomi backed out of the door and down the hall. Addison felt the walls of her office start to close in around her as Sam walked towards her with Olivia in his arms.
"I think it's time we all went home" Sam smiled kindly as he stood in front of Addison waiting for her to collect her bag.
Addison smiled weakly back at Sam, she knew Sam would be excited at the prospect of spending the whole weekend alone with Olivia, she just wished she could be too.
"Why don't you go and put her in the car and I'll just finish up here" Addison smiled brightly.
Sam nodded and headed out of the office.
Once alone Addison prepared herself for the weekend ahead, she knew how much having Olivia meant to Sam and she wanted him to enjoy it. A frustrated and sombre tear fell down her cheek as she thought of the photo album Sam had given her, that moment when he'd said he wanted to have a family, when he'd said the words that had made anything seem possible; she'd felt like everything was coming together, like for once it was her turn to be happy, like all of the pain and heartache she'd endured over the past ten years melted away and her future, their future, lay ahead of them. She cried as she thought of how all of that happiness, that hope, had been cruelly snatched away from her by one cold, devastating fist.
