Opening Credits
It seems today that all ya see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good, old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely
Lucky there's a Family Guy!
Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh n' Cry
He's
a
Fam
-ily
Guy!
End
Lois came into Stewie's room to put away a few of his toys in his closet, where hanging on the back of the door to Lois' right were some of Stewie's weapons. Unlike how she usually acts oblivious to her son's activities, Lois actually recognized the weapons on the door.
"That's funny. I don't remember buying Stewie these toys." Lois remarked picking up a raygun and accidentally firing a hole in the back of the wardrobe. Lois peered through the hole and gasped at what she had discovered: Stewie's personal secret room where the rest of his technology and weapons were stored at. Lois entered into the hole to investigate the room. "Oh, my God. It all makes sense now. My baby is some kind of diabolical genius bent on world domination!"
As she said that, there was slow clapping heard at the other end of the room. The sound was coming from behind a chair in a lit area, which span to reveal Stewie sitting on it applauding on Lois finally figuring out his secret.
"Bravo, Lois. The last horse finally crosses the finish line." Stewie remarked.
"Stewie!" Lois exclaimed. "All these months I should've been paying attention to Ub and Friz about what you've been saying. You're an evil child. Why? Why did I have to go and smoke pot when I was pregnant with you?!"
"Oh, cheer up, Mother. You should be proud." Stewie assured his mother. "You've given birth to the future emperor of the world. Pity you won't be around to enjoy it. Cheerio!"
Stewie pressed a button on one of the arms of his chair, leading to a trap door opening underneath Lois, sending her down a bottomless pit as she screamed.
"Lois. Lois." Peter said to Lois, who then awoke from her nightmare. "What's the matter?"
"Ohh...I just had the strangest dream." Lois told Peter about her nightmare. "Something about Stewie and Cheerios, uh, huh? It's gone."
"Well, come on, get up. It's opening day for the Sox." Peter told Lois getting up from bed putting on a baseball cap. "Hey, Chris, Meg, Ub, Friz, we're goin' to Fenway!"
"YOU KNOW I HATE SPORTS!" Friz shouted from downstairs offscreen.
"Oh, come on, Friz-" Peter hollered to Friz.
"NOOO!" Friz shouted.
"Peter, you can't just pull the kids out of school for a baseball game." Lois said to Peter.
"Ah, there's nothin' these kids learn in school they can't learn on the street." Peter told Lois putting on his jersey.
Cutaway #1
Two guys were waiting by a bus stop in downtown.
"It's 3:00. Where the hell is Louie?" One of the guy asked the other.
"Well, you tell me." The other guy told him. "Louie left his house at 2:15 and has to travel a distance of 6.2 miles at a rate of 5 miles per hour. What time will Louie arrive?"
Guy #1 thought for a moment before coming up with his answer. "Depends if he stops to see his ho."
"That's what we call a variable." Guy #2 congratulated Guy #1 scratching his head.
End
In the living room, Ub, Friz, Meg and Brian were waiting for Peter.
"Look what I made for the game!" Chris came in and said holding a sign that read 'John 3:16'.
"What's that mean, anyway?" Meg asked confused.
Brian then picked up and looked through a Bible for the verse. "'And the Lord said, 'Go, Sox!''"
"Dad, don't you have to work today?" Meg asked Peter, who walked into the living room all ready for the game.
"Hehe, it's nothin' like a little phone call can't take care of." Peter answered Meg's question as he picked up the phone and dialed to his boss, Mr. Weed at the Happy Go Lucky Toy Factory, resulting in a splitscreen of both Peter and Mr. Weed to pop up.
"Hello?" Mr. Weed asked answering his phone in his office.
"Mr. Weed? I can't come to work today. I was in a terrible plane crash. My entire family was killed and I am a vegetable." Peter told Mr. Weed, who expressed shock at the 'news'. "I'll see ya tomorrow. *hangs up the phone* Heh? Heh?"
"Oh, please, Peter, your excuses are lamer than FDR's legs." Brian said to Peter, where everyone except Ub and Friz gasped at Brian's words. "Too soon?"
"Who's FDR?" Ub asked unfamiliar to the historical figure Brian mentioned.
Sometime later, at Fenway Park, the pitcher managed to hit a foul ball as it headed for one of the stands.
"Here it comes, Jeremy!" A mother said to her son, who was in a wheelchair.
"I got it! I got it!" The boy said holding up his mitt for the ball. However, Peter soon caught the ball before it landed in the boy's mitt.
"Yes! Yeah! Whoo! All right! I'm the man! Ye-ee-ah!" Peter chanted returning to his seat.
"Great job, Mr. Griffin." Ub congratulated Peter. "That was pretty cool of you to catch that ball for that sick kid."
Ub then took the ball from Peter's hands before getting up from his seat and went over to said kid that Peter stole the ball from.
"Hey, what are you doing?" Peter asked confused by what Ub was doing.
"Here you go." Ub said to the boy in the wheelchair handing the ball back to him.
"Thank you." The boy thanked Ub, who returned to his seat.
Peter was still a little upset about Ub taking away the foul ball from him, but soon shrug it off deciding to instead spend the rest of the day with his family.
"This is great. We haven't done anything together like this since we saw Mike Tyson get beat." Peter said.
Cutaway #2
Mike Tyson was a participant at a elementary school spelling bee.
"Okay, Mike. The word again is 'onomatopoeia'." The judge told Mike Tyson.
"Uuuhh...C!" Mike Tyson spelled.
"I'm sorry, that's incorrect." The judge told Mike Tyson.
"Oh, dang." Mike Tyson exclaimed in defeat scratching the back of his head.
End
Lois gave Peter a kiss on the cheek.
"I'm so glad you talked us into playing hooky." Lois said to Peter.
"Me, too." Peter agreed. "Maybe we can get on TV if we take our shirts off and run out into the field." After saying that, Peter removed his jersey.
"Peter, I'm not taking my shirt off." Lois refused.
"There, now they're old news." Peter said after lifting Lois' blouse and flashing her black bra covered chest to anyone who might be looking.
"Peter!" Lois exclaimed pulling her blouse back down in embarrassment.
Peter got up from his seat and ran down the steps cheering "Go, Sox!" before he tripped and tumbled down said steps. He rolled into a hot dog salesman on the way until he finally stopped. Ub and Friz ran over to Peter's aid.
"Mr. Griffin, are you okay?" Ub asked Peter.
Peter didn't answer and got up, where he found a hot dog up his nose. Intrigued, he snorted the hot dog up his nose and ate it when it reached his mouth.
"Eww..." Friz said in disgust.
Peter then picked up a bottle of mustard and squirted the contents of the bottle into his other nostril.
"Egh..." Both Ub and Friz said disgusted.
"Don't try that at home, folks." Ub soon told the audience about what Peter just did.
"Peter?" Mr. Weed said to Peter.
"Oh, uh-uh-uh, hi, Mr. Weed!" Peter nervously greeted his boss.
"Well, it seems you've made a full recovery." Mr. Weed remarked displeased.
"Oh, yeah. Yeah-uh-uh, that-that plane crash I told you about? It turned out to be gas." Peter lied.
"Aha! Liar! Tomorrow, my office, 9:30." Mr. Weed ordered.
Peter went back up to his seat with Ub and Friz, visibly upset about having been caught by his boss. Brian had both a drink and a lit cigarette in each of his hands while Meg was eating popcorn.
"I'm tired of Mr. Weed treating me like a common doormat." Peter complained.
"Weren't you the one who lied to him?" Ub asked calling Peter out.
"Yeah, but I-I want him to treat me like one of those deluxe ones from Pottery Barn with the fancy straw?" Peter continued with his rant on Mr. Weed.
"Mm, I don't care about Pottery Barn." Brian replied to Peter's rant.
"And what's Pottery Barn?" Friz asked.
"Anyway, Ub and Friz have a point, Peter, if you want Mr. Weed to respect you, you're gonna have to earn it." Brian told Peter handing a drink that he was holding.
"Hmm. Earn it." Peter said coming up with a way to earn Mr. Weed's respect as he moved the straw of the drink up his nose and snorted the drink.
"By not doing THAT with your nose." Friz insisted.
The next day, at the Happy-Go-Lucky Toy Company, Peter entered Mr. Weed's office, where the latter was crying.
"Why have you forsaken me?" Mr. Weed wept while Peter stepped up to his desk.
"Uh, M-M-Mr. Weed...uh, I heard you ran into my identical twin brother at the ball game yesterday." Peter lied. "And if you dont' buy that, I'm sorry I was at the ball game yesterday."
"Peter, I just recieved terrible news." Mr. Weeds informed Peter. "This company has been taken over by a conglomerate. After 23 years of faithful service, I've been terminated!"
"Wow, the business world sure is funny." Peter remarked.
Cutaway #3
It cut to Dilbert from the UPN show of the same name at his workplace when one of his co-workers approached him.
"Hey, Dilbert, what do you call it when a guy in middle management moves all the way to upper management?" The co-worker asked Dilbert.
"I don't know. What do you call it?" Dilbert asked curious.
"A promotion." The co-worker answered delivering the punchline.
"Oh. Thanks. Here's a memo." Dilbert said handing the co-worker said memo. Both the co-worker and Dilbert left to do their work elsewhere.
End
"Well, sometimes, the business world is funny." Peter said.
Later that same day, the conglomerate that bought the factory, the El Dorado Cigarette Company, were meeting their new workers.
"And so, on behalf of the El Dorado Cigarette Company, I'd like to welcome you to our family." The president of the company told everyone. "I think you'll be very happy with the changes we've made."
The workers were immediately pleased with the new additions to their work area. Such additions were a ping pong table, a billiards table, a pinball machine, etc.
"Ah, this is sweet!" Peter said to all of the new stuff when he spotted a built in window. "Hey, why are you puttin' a window in the middle of the factory?"
"So Aunt Bea has a place to let her pies cool." The construction worker who installed the window told Peter.
"Hello, boys." Aunt Bea from The Andy Griffith Show came up on the other side of the window and greeted the men while placing down a hot pie she was carrying on the windowsil. "Today's pie is cherry. It'll be ready just in time for lunch."
"Wow, these guys sure know how to run a company." Peter said to a co-worker.
Unbeknownst to the workers, however, the new group of business men in charge of the factory looked on at them through their office with evil intent.
"Look how happy those morons are." The president told the other men. "They'll never realize we're using those toys to get children addicted to our company's cigarettes." All of the men in the room laughed maniacally at their plan, but they all stopped when the president whistled for his pet poodle, who came over to him by command. "Good boy, Connor." He handed Connor to one of the execs while another opened the window as the president then took out a shotgun. "Pull." The exec holding Connor threw the dog out the window where the president shot the dog, whom yelped offscreen. After they did the horrendous deed, the men continued their evil laughter.
The Griffins (except Peter) were now having dinner, but they were waiting for Peter to come home from work. They were getting bored and hungry from waiting.
"Can't we eat? I'm so hungry, I could ride a horse." Chris asked Lois until he realized the error he made in the figure of speech he said. "I don't get it. Well, I can ride it to the store, I guess."
"I don't think that's how it goes." Friz pointed out to Chris.
"I told you we're not starting without your father." Lois reminded Chris. "Dinner just isn't dinner without him."
"Ohh, well, perhaps I could help simulate the experience." Stewie offered where he slammed his face into his plate of mashed potatoes, shaking his head causing chunks of mashed potato to fly off in different directions and making exaggerated eating noises. He rose his head and started doing multiple raspberries at everyone.
"Hey, family." Peter greeted everyone walking into the kitchen with a crate of live lobsters. "Anyone in the mood for lobste-" As Peter placed the crate of lobsters down on the table, one of them snipped its claw at Peter's eye. "Ow, ow, ow, oh, God, one of them has my pupil!" The family went to Peter's aid to get the lobster's claw off his eye. Lois grabbed the lobster and pulled it off, releasing Peter's eye from its grasp without damaging it.
"Peter, how the hell can you afford lobster on your salary?" Brian asked Peter how where he got the crate of lobsters.
"Oh, no, you didn't do another welfare scam, did you?" Ub asked Peter worried that history was repeating itself.
"Don't worry, it's perfectly legal." Peter reassured Ub as Brian took from his glass of water. "I got a raise."
Brian did a spittake at what he heard Peter say. "What?!"
"Yeah, the new owners gave everyone raises." Peter explained. "Even Kenneth, the badass mail clerk with the heart of gold."
Cutaway #4
Peter entered the mailroom to check and see if he had any mail.
"Hi, Kenneth." Peter greeted Kenneth, who was looking through some papers. "Hey, did I get any mail?"
"No!" Kenneth answered before pulling out a knife and then threatening Peter with it. "But if you come any closer, I'll slice you!"
"Okay! Okay!" Peter said backing off and leaving the mailroom where he ran into one of his co-workers. "Man, what a badass."
"Yeah? Well, that badass just gave half his paycheck to orphans." The co-worker pointed out to Peter. "Orphans with diseases."
Peter looked back at Kenneth, who was signing some papers and nodded in respect to his good deed.
End
"And check out the new toys we're making." Peter told everyone taking out a baby doll and handing it to Meg.
"'Baby Smokes-A-Lot'?" Meg read the name of the toy on the doll's back and pressed the red button below.
The baby doll's arm moved up to its mouth, acting as though it were smoking the plastic cigarete in its hand and even blowing out smoke-like material before it giggled and said "Tastes like happy".
"Cool! That's imitatable!" Chris said.
"What the hell?" Brian asked taking the doll from Meg and examining the label printed on the doll's bottom. "El Dorado Cigrarettes? That's who bought your company?"
"Oh, my God! They're trying to corrupt our children!" Lois said acknowledging the malicious intent behind the company's toys.
"Who's El Dorado Cigarettes?" Ub asked.
"I'll tell you who they are, they're bastards who turned a whole generation of Americans into smokers with their subliminal advertising." Brian told Ub.
Cutaway #5
It showed the main human characters from the 1950s television series Lassie washing dishes.
"Timmy, where's Lassie?" The mother asked her son.
"She's out in the orchard, Ma." Timmy told his mother. "Peaches are coming in mighty early this year."
It then cut to a man in a white void.
"Smoke." The man instructed before cutting back to the mother and son.
"You know what they say, Timmy. 'Early peaches, long summer'." Timmy's mother told him.
"Smoke."
It cut back to the show where the titular dog, Lassie entered the kitchen.
"What's that, Lassie?" Timmy asked Lassie.
"Are you smoking yet?"
End
"Peter, if kids see this doll, they're gonna think smoking's okay." Lois told Peter. "You have to talk to your new bosses of yours first thing in the morning."
"Don't you worry, Lois. I'll set them straight." Peter assured Lois. "Just like I did with Chris."
Cutaway #6
Peter and Chris were on a boat watching a whale jump out of the water.
"Dad, what's the blowhole for?" Chris asked Peter.
"I'll tell you what it's not for, son. And when I do, you'll understand why I can never go back to SeaWorld." Peter told Chris.
End
The next day, Peter approached his new bosses in their office to talk to them about the toys they're producing.
"Gentlemen, we need to talk." Peter told his bosses. "My wife says you're trying to get kids to smoke."
"Oh, that's just not true." The president reassured Peter.
"W-W-What about this toy?" Peter asked taking out the doll he brought home last night and presenting it to him.
"Peter, it's just a doll with a cigarette." The president told Peter. "I mean, Barbie has a Dream Car, but you don't see every 8-year-old driving. They're just fun toys."
"Smoke." The man from the previous cutaway appeared next to the president instructing Peter.
"Not now, Jerry." The president told off the man, who got up from his seat and walked off. The president turned back to Peter. "Trust me, Peter, the last thing we want is to get kids to start smoking."
"Well, the-then, then what about that graph on the wall that says: 'The first thing we want is to get kids to start smoking'?" Peter then asked pointing to said graph on the wall behind him.
"That? Oh. That's just something my son made me in art class." The president lied.
"Huh. W-Well, th-the-then what about that poster that says: 'The graph was not made in art class. We really do want kids to start smoking'?" Peter asked again, this time pointing at a poster next to the graph from before, which further contradicted the president's claims.
"Look, we're a caring company." The president stated to Peter. "I mean, uh, would you really be the president of a company that didn't care about kids?"
"No. But I'm not the president." Peter answered.
"Yes. You are. If you wanna be." The president told Peter.
The other men in the room agreed with the president's idea.
"Oh, wow. Imagine, me , president." Peter said imagining himself instead as the President of the United States in his office smiling as he did a Can Can like dance before snapping back into reality. "I'll do it!"
Later, at dinnertime that same day, Peter returned home from work and entered the kitchen chanting.
"So, how did it go?" Lois asked Peter.
"Uh, uh, I'm not finished yet." Peter told Lois finishing his singing before turning back to her. "Aren't ya gonna ask me how it went?"
"Yes!" Lois exclaimed. "Did you talk to the company executives-" Peter then cut her off singing again. "Peter, answer me!"
"Yeah, I did!" Peter told Lois. "And they made me president!"
"Of the whole company?" Meg asked.
"All right, Dad!" Chris congratulated his father high-fiving him.
"You should've seen the way they were treated me. I've never gotten that kind of respect before." Peter said.
Cutaway #7
Peter was a lifeguard at a local public pool where a young fat boy climbed out.
"Great workout, Bobby." Peter congratulated the boy.
"Up yours, sack breath!" The boy insulted Peter.
"That's 'Mr. Griffin'." Peter corrected the boy seemingly oblivious to what the latter called him.
End
"But Peter, why would they make you President?" Lois asked Peter confused by his new promotion.
"Well, maybe it's because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second." Peter assumed before suddenly he yelped.
"Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise." Lois pointed out to Peter calling him out on his word.
"Jeez, Lois, I-I thought you'd be proud of me." Peter argued with Lois. "After all these years, the company finally thinks I'm worth somethin'. Just wait till you see all the perks we're gonna get."
The next day, at James Woods High, Meg was by her locker when she noticed a less appealing looking girl standing next to her as she closed her locker.
"Um, hi. Can I help you?" Meg awkwardly greeted the girl.
"Yeah, some company hired me to stand next to you all day so you'd look better by comparison." The girl explained.
"That's ridiculous. I don't need-" Meg said outraged until a boy came up to her and asked her if she got less ugly, causing her to wrap her arm around the girl. "Yeah!"
Sometime later, at the Griffin household, Peter was covering Lois's eyes, who was excited about the living room having been remodeled by El Dorado Cigrarettes.
"Surprise!" Peter exclaimed removing his hand from her eyes.
Lois saw that the living room appeared untouched. "Uh, everything looks the same."
"Oh, it looks the same. But actually, El Dorado Cigarettes has coated the entire inside of the house with a microfilm of Teflon. So, it's easy to clean." Peter told Lois.
"Ooohh." Lois exclaimed impressed as the family took a step forward, but soon slipped onto the floor, which was also coated in Teflon.
"Huh. Maybe I shouldn't have had them do the floors." Peter said regretting his decision of having the floors coated.
"I'm 'Nudes on Ice'!" Stewie said sliding across the floor naked.
The next day, the family except Peter was having breakfast in the kitchen. Everyone except Ub, Friz and Brian, who was smoking himself, were loving their new life in luxery.
"Oh, this is so exciting. Your father's first day as president." Lois said to her kids.
"Good morning, First Family." Peter entered the kitchen and greeted his family as he took a sip of coffee. "Ooo, Lois, what's in this coffee?"
"Isn't it wonderful? The company sent Martha Stewart to help me with the housework. I take back all the bad things I said about them." Lois explained as she turned to her left. "The coffee is delicious, Martha." It then panned to the right and showed Martha Stewart herself standing between Lois and Brian sipping some coffee herself.
"A little chicory perks up the taste of roasted coffee beans." Martha Stewart said. "It's a good thing."
"Uh, how long was she there?" Ub asked not noticing Martha Stewart in the kitchen with them until Lois brought it up.
"Well, I think it's a crappy thing!" Brian disagreed with Martha. "In fact, this is my last cigarette ever." Brian took one last huff of his cigarette and put it out on the toast on his plate.
"Way to go, Brian!" Friz cheered for Brian on quitting smoking.
"Thank you, Friz." Brian thanked Friz before turning his attention back to the rest of the family with disgust. "You make me sick, letting yourselves be bought off with a few lousy perks."
"I agree." Friz agreed.
"Oh, I beg to differ." Stewie disagreed as it panned over to him being massaged.
It then showed Peter arriving to work and entering the parking lot, where a valet was waiting for him.
"Oh, you don't need to park her, Mr. Griffin. You have an executive parking space now." The valet informed Peter as it panned to said parking space reading "Reserved for Peter Griffin" and Peter and the valet walk by it.
"But, that looks exactly like my old parking space." Peter pointed out to the valet not really seeing much difference.
"Yeah, this one comes with your own company suck-up." The valet explained showing him said suck-up standing in front of them waiting for him.
"Morning, Mr. Griffin." The suck-up greeted Peter walking alongside him. "Nice day."
"Eh, it's a little cloudy." Peter said.
"It's absolutely cloudy. One of the worst days I've seen in years." The suck-up quickly agreed. "So, good news about the Yankees."
"I hate the Yankees." Peter said.
"Pack of cheaters. That's what they are." The suck-up agreed immediately. "I love your tie."
"I hate this tie." Peter said.
"It's awful, it's gawdy, it's gotta go." The suck-up agreed again.
Peter stopped and came up with another sentence for the suck-up. "I hate myself."
"I hate you, too. You make me sick, you fat sack of crap!" The suck-up immediately agreed.
"But I'm the president." Peter then pointed out to the suck-up.
"The best there is." The suck-up agreed.
"But you just said you hated me." Peter called out the suck-up.
"But...not...you, the...president, the you who said you hated you...you who love, hate, Yankees, clouds-" The suck-up tried to rebuttle, causing him to shake uncontrollably and his head exploded, revealing to be a robot.
"I'll have that fixed for you tomorrow, sir." The valet informed Peter.
After that, Peter was shown his new office by the president of El Dorado Cigarettes.
"Here's your new digs. Now, get to work, sport. We're counting on you. *click*" The president told Peter and left.
Peter entered his new office, which was actually Mr. Weeds.
"Wow. My own office." Peter exclaimed at his new workplace as he took a seat in what used to be 's chair at his desk. "Well, I guess I better get busy."
Peter took out three pencils from the pencil holder and sharped all three in the pencil sharpener. Peter sighed in boredom, thinking of what to do next. He then stuck his finger into the sharpener and retracted from the pain. He then thought of something else to stick into the pencil sharpener, which involved him unzipping his pants. It then cut to the outside of his office where the secretary outside was working. Suddenly, Peter screamed in pain, catching the unwanted attention of the secretary, who sat there confused about what just happened in there.
In the board room, the gentlemen were having lunch.
"Gentlemen, we have a problem." The president informed all the men in the room. "There's an anti-smoking bill before Congress that could put us out of business."
"Yes, apparently, causing cancer is this year's 'hot button'." One of the business said.
"I don't understand it." The president said confused as he looked out the window at the work floor outside before turning back to the board. "We've tried everything to get through to these politicians. Harvard lawyers, lobbyists, wisecracking leprechauns."
It then showed said wisecracking leprechaun sitting at the table.
"Excuse me, do you have a dollar? I'm a little short." The leprechaun asked the businessman next to him before cracking a joke.
"Maybe that's the problem." One of the businessmen theorized. "They're all idiots in Washington. Instead of a smart guy, we should send a moron they can relate to."
All the men at the table agreed to the man's idea.
"But where are we going to find someone within the company who's that stupid?" The president asked.
"Yeah, and not just stupid, fat, too." One of the men agreed, along with the other businessmen.
"Hey, wait a second. Didn't we just make a fat, stupid guy president?" The same man who came up with the idea soon asked.
"You bet we did." The president answered the man. "Gentlemen, our new tobacco lobbyist is...That Guy!"
It showed Peter about to stick his tongue into the spinning blades of a fan. But he soon stopped when he heard what the president said where a montage played in a parody of the opening credits to the 1960s sitcom That Girl.
Diamonds, daisies
Snowflakes, That Guy
Peter was dressed as the show's protagonist as he was traveling to New York City.
Chestnuts, rainbows
Springtime...
Peter arrived in New York and looked at the buildings in awe.
Is That Guy
He's tinsel on a tree
A pigeon flew over Peter and dropped its dropping onto the latter's face.
He's everything
That every guy should be
Peter strolled through downtown where he came across a window display of a mannaquin that resembled him.
Sable, popcorn
White wine, That Guy
Peter greeted the mannequin in the window display, which winked at him, to his horror, causing him to run away on open traffic.
Gingham, bluebirds
Broadway...
Is That Guy
Peter was flying a kite through Central Park.
He's mine alone
But luckily for you
Suddenly, a thief popped out of the bushes and snatched Peter's purse and ran away. Peter chased after the thief.
If you find a guy to love
Peter tackled the thief and started beating the crap out of him before it cut to him with a magenta umbrella and was wearing a magenta dress.
Only one guy to love
Then he'll be That Guy, too.
The montage finished with Peter doing some upper body poses in a white sweater.
That Guy!
Peter was called into the board room to talk with the president.
"So, uh, what's this big assignment you got for me, Chairman of the Broad?" Peter asked ending his question with a pun.
The president laughed in amusement at Peter's joke. "'Chairman of the Broad'. When did you become such a stitch?"
"Don't you remember? You gave me writers." Peter reminded the president panning to two writers behind Peter, who handed him a script. "'Sir, I don't want to say you're rich, but when you walk into a bank, all the tellers go, 'Whoopee!''"
The president didn't respond to Peter's quip, nor laughed, for that matter, to Peter's dismay.
"That wasn't funny. I thought you guys said you were Jewish." Peter turned to his writers and asked them.
"Well, he's only half Jewish." One of them pointed out while pointing to his partner.
"You're fired." Peter told them as they sadly left the room.
"Here's the thing, Griffin. Some troublemakers in Congress are trying to shut us down." The president then explained to Peter the task he was giving to him. "We need someone important, like you, to go down to Washington and help those bastards see what kind of fun-loving people the tobacco industry's really made of."
"Washington? Aw, sweet. Hey, I'm your man." Peter told the president quickly accepting the task. "But I gotta warn you, I made some enemies on the Hill.
Cutaway #8
Peter was giving testimony at the 1991 confirmation hearings of Supreme Court Justice Clarance Thomas.
"And that's when Clarance Thomas forced me into his chambers... *sniffs* ...and showed me lewd pictures." Peter whimpered.
"Mr. Griffin, we have indisputable evidence that not only have you never been in the same room as Clarance Thomas, y-you've never even been in the same state. How do you respond to that?" A man of the jury called out Peter over his false accusations.
Peter glanced his eyes back and forth in nervousness before suddenly grabbing the microphone shouting "Baba Booey! Baba Booey! Howard Stern's penis! Baba Booey! Baba Booey!", until he was dragged away by security.
End
When night rose, the Griffins were having dinner, which was being served by Martha Stewart.
"How long is Dad gonna be in Washington?" Meg asked Lois.
"As long as it takes." Lois answered Meg's question with newfound respect for Peter's position as Martha Stewart placed a slice of ham onto Lois's plate. "He's a very important man now. You know, he's the spokesman for his entire industry."
"He is?" Ub and Friz asked somewhat surprised.
It then showed a montage of several magazine covers featuring Peter as said spokesman of the tobacco industry. Such covers were of him waterskiing, mostly on top of a woman waterskiing; A cowboy on horseback staring at a canyon with a cigarette in his mouth; him offering a smoke while his mouth was shaped like a camel's muzzle and was in a suit; and lastly, him sitting at a table and sharing a laugh with two women.
It then cut back to the Griffins watching TV while Martha Stewart was cleaning.
"Thank you, Martha." Lois thanked Martha Stewart before she turned to Brian sitting next to her, who seemed pissed. "Brian, could you pass me the TV Guide?"
"Piss off." Brian bitterly responded.
"What?!" Lois exclaimed in offense to Brian's response.
"I'm-I'm sorry, it-it just...feels like forever since I've had a smoke." Brian soon apologized and explained.
"Brian, it's only been three days." Friz pointed out to Brian.
"I know, I'm...I'm just a little testy-STOP STARING AT MY TAIL!" Brian continued before letting out his frustration at Meg.
Meanwhile, at Washing, D.C., during the night, Peter spotted who he believed were a group of presidents and other government officials standing outside the White House, spying on them in his car. Peter then called the president of El Dorado Cigarettes.
"He-Hello. Hello, Mr. Harrison? Yeah, I see those government guys you were tellin' me about. I'll shoe them a good time and get 'em to come around to our side." Peter told his boss on the phone before hanging up and driving over to the presidents and goverment officials. "Uh, e-excuse me. Uh...A-Al Gore, George W. Bush?"
"Yes?" Each president answered in response.
"Ah, great." Peter said satisfied. "A-A-And what's your friend's name?"
"Dick Armey." Gore answered.
Peter, in response, broke out laughing at Gore's answer, mistakening it for a crude joke. "Oh, Go-No, no, seriously, what's his name?"
"Dick Armey." Gore repeated his answer, making Peter break out into laughter once more. It took Gore a second before he realized what Peter was laughing at. "Oh, ho, ho, ho. Oh, I just got it." Dick Armey, on the other hand, did not find it amusing that his name was used as a crude joke and gave Gore a bitter look.
"Hey-Hey, Armey. Hey, what's your wife's name? 'Vagina Coast Guard'?" Peter then asked Dick Armey poking fun at him before laughing again. "Ah, nah, I'm kiddin', you guys. Er-Er, get in the car. We're goin' to a skin bar."
All men agreed eager to see naked women and entered Peter's car. The strip club they went was called the Oval Orifice, in downtown. However, it showed a senator panicking in front of a dead stripper.
"Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Oh, my God!" The senator panicked repeatedly before coming to a halt as Peter went over to his aid. "I-I don't know what happened!"
"Whoa, whoa, it's-it's okay. It's okay, Senator." Peter calmed the senator down. "This girl didn't have a family. It'll be like she never existed. *grabs the senator by the arms* Now, grab a hold of yourself. *lets go of the senator's arms* All right, now-now, listen. You may have killed her when you shoved all those dollar bills down her throat. You may have killed her when you hit her with a stool. I don't know. I'm not a doctor. *turns head to Al Gore* But I tell you what didn't kill her. *pulls out pack of cigarettes* Smoking."
Al Gore was impressed by Peter's bribe to cover up the stripper's unintended murder. "You have our support, Griffin."
Some time later, at the Griffin house in the afternoon, the family was reading magazines.
"Look, kids. Here's your father in People magazine with Jim Carrey! And they're both 'Smokin'!'" Lois informed her children and showed the article that featured Peter and Jim Carrey together. "Hehehe, I loved that in Mask."
"Don't you mean 'The Mask'?" Ub asked Lois.
"What difference does it make?" Lois asked back and when Ub didn't respond back, she repeated saying the word "Smokin'!" several times.
"Damnit, do I have to listen to this drivel 24 hours a day?!" Brian snapped.
"Yeah, I was starting to get annoyed by her repeating that line, too. Thanks, Brian." Ub thanked Brian, but the latter ignored him.
"But hey, I guess anything's better than looking at your smelly face!" Brian instead lashed out at Meg.
"Faces don't smell." Ub defended Meg before he turned to Lois. "Do they?"
"Mom!" Meg said to Lois.
"Now, honey, your face smells fine. You know he doesn't mean it. It's just the lack of nicotine." Lois said to both Meg and Ub while Brian stood there looking guilty for his act.
"Hey, Mom, the school janitor said that Dad's working for the bad guys. And he said ti through a hole in his throat." Chris told Lois.
"Well, that doesn't make him right." Lois told Chris in denial.
"If I had a hole in my throat, I'd put pennies in it!" Chris said.
"Chris, you could die trying that." Friz pointed out to Chris.
"Listen, your father's doin' great work and life's never been better." Lois said to Chris defending Peter.
"Yes, I, too, applaude the oaf for finally showing some initiative." Stewie agreed with Lois taking out a case of cigarettes from his overalls and began to smoke one of them. "God knows he was years overdue."
Lois gasped in horror at Stewie smoking.
"Mm. Oh, you know who I saw at the market today? Patty Croft. Oh, and she has gotten faaaat." Stewie said to everyone.
"Oh, my God! Stewie, no!" Lois exclaimed reaching over to Stewie and removing the lit cigarette out of his mouth before dropping it to the floor and putting it out with her foot. "Oh, God, what have I done? I knew smoking was bad, but-but I still sold my soul. And for what? Martha Stewart?"
"Yes." Ub and Friz answered calling her out.
"Come on, kids. We gotta put a stop to this. Now!" Lois ordered her children as they all exited the house.
"Finally." Martha Stewart said sighing in relief as she broke wind.
Back in Washington, D.C., at Capital Hill, funky music played where it showed a parody of Bill from School House Rock.
[Bill]
They call me Bill
Yes, they call me Bill
And I'm standing here on Capital-
Suddenly, Bill was picked off from the steps by a janitor, who was busy picking trash off Capitol Hill.
Inside, Peter was meeting with several senators and governors, who were all here for the Tobacco Vote. Among them was Bob Dole.
"Bob Dole's a friend of the tobacco industry. Bob Dole likes your style." Bob Dole said to Peter approved. He then repeated his name multiple times, which caused him to fall asleep, much to both Peter and a couple other men's confusion.
"There you are!" Lois called out to Peter from behind holding Stewie. "Peter, I caught Stewie smoking. That cigarette company is evil. We can't be apart of this anymore."
"Lois, this is the best job I ever had! Hey, since I became president, profits have been higher than Alyssa Milano." Peter joked as it then cut to a live-action Alyssa Milano sitting at home watching the very scene on her TV. Needless, to say, she did not take it well.
"What kind of cheap shot... Joel!" Alyssa said to her lawyer.
"I'm suing, I'm suing, I'm on it, I'm on it." Joel reassured Alyssa, who was already making the call to the show.
It cut back to Peter.
"Mr. Griffin, time for your speech." An aide informed Peter as the vote was about to begin.
"But, Peter, what about your son?" Lois asked Peter presenting Stewie in front of him.
"So Stewie had a puff. He's old enough to make his own decisions. For God's sake, Lois, he's 1. Cut the umbelical cord." Peter said to Lois.
Peter was now at the podium ready to give his speech to Congress.
"Ladies and gentlemen of Congress. I am here today to talk to you about smoking." Peter told everyone.
Lois was watching Peter on among the many people gathered in Capital Hill.
"Oh, please, Peter. Do the right thing." Lois said hoping Peter would have a change of heart.
"I know a lot of you are already on my side." Peter said as he looked behind him and winked to both Al Gore and Dick Armey, who each gave a thumbsup in response. "And for you naysayers, I have two strong words for you. Come Oooon! Come Oooon!"
The Congressmen were all confused at first by Peter's manner, but soon gave in.
"Thank you, ladies and-" Peter almost said until he and everyone else heard Stewie coughing. "A-And-"
Stewie was coughing hard, to Lois's dismay. He then spotted a pack of cigarettes in a nearby man's coat pocket. "Baby needs to suck ash!" Stewie swiped a cigarette from the man's pack and took out his lighter to smoke. "Baby needs to suck ash!" A man in the other side then reached his arm out to Stewie. "Not 'ass', you pervert. Save it for the interns."
"Is that a baby?" Peter asked looking out into the audience to see who was coughing and saw it was Stewie. "Oh, my God, that's Stewie! Lois was right! Children under 4 shouldn't smoke! Look, I don't care about this stupid job anymore, cigraettes are bad!"
Mr. Harrison, the president of El Dorado Cigarettes, was displeased with Peter blowing it.
"Mr. Griffin is right! Smoking is a horrible vice!" A man behind Mr. Harrison spoke up rising from his seat. "It shortens life expectancy and pollutes our air! And according to recent polls, air is good!"
Another man rose from his seat and spoke up about the dangers of smoking. "Cigarettes killed my father and raped my mother!"
The same man who spoke up then took Peter's place at the podium. "Gentlemen, I propose we send a message to tobacco companies everywhere for what happens when you try to corrupt our youth by fining the El Dorado Cigarette Company infinity billion dollars!"
"That's the spirit, Frank. But I think a real number might be more effective." Another man told the other man from before standing next to him before stepping further to the audience. "All in favor of fining El Dorado Cigarettes $100 million, say aye!"
Everyone in Congress said aye in agreement, much to Mr. Harrison's dismay.
"But that'll bankrupt us!" Mr. Harrison said.
Peter then took the stand once more to deliver a final line to Mr. Harrison and El Dorado Cigarettes.
"Oh, you mean the way you've morally bankrupted America?" Peter said with everyone laughing at his joke. Peter then turned to the writers who worked for him earlier in the episode. "Thanks for the zinger, boys. Now, give me a snappy line to go out on."
"Actually, our lunch is here." One of the writers said as they left Peter to come up with a line on his own.
"Uh...Well, that's my mama!..." Peter said, ending it with nervous laughter. There was a moment of awkward silence until Peter just walked right out of there.
The family drove back home to Quahog, where Brian was sticking his head out the window in the same manner a dog would on a car ride, though it turned out he was secretly smoking, hoping the family wouldn't notice.
Before the episode ended, however, it showed the Griffins and Ub and Friz backstage greeting the viewer/reader while Peter was sitting in a chair.
"Hi, I'm Peter Griffin." Peter greeted the viewer/reader. "You know, we had a lot of laughs tonight. But I'll tell you what's not funny. Killing strippers. Strippers are people, too. Naked people who may be willing to pleasure you for a price you negociate later behind the curtain of a VIP room. Besides, there's no need to kill 'em. 'Cause most of them are already dead inside. Good night, everyone."
The episode then ended with the Griffins and Ub and Friz waving the viewer/reader goodbye as it cut to black.
The End
