Subject: For when you wake up.

I've written this message twice now. Okay, more than twice. Kinda weird writing something that may never be read. Lana says you're locked in carbonite, but alive. (Yeah, we're in touch. Long story.) I like to think you're having one crazy dream. And maybe I'm in it. But I don't want to presume. We never declared what this-you and me-is... was... Have I mentioned I'm bad at relationships? Another reason I'm a workaholic.

I'm rambling. The point I'm trying to make is—whatever's between us, I want you to know that I care about you. A lot. The whole galaxy's lost its mind. The thing that keeps me going is the knowledge that you're out there, and we're putting together a plan to rescue you. I might not be there—we've all got our parts to play-but I haven't forgotten about you or our time together. I never will.

#

Working on Odessen at my current station. So many potential allies to investigate, so many leads into Arcann's weaknesses. All within sight of my current close friends. There was Lana and Koth working away, and joking between each other. I give a smug look: She denies it, but I know those two are an item. Then of course Senya, so dedicated and yet eyes so far away. Would mine be far away too if I was fighting 2 of my 3 children?

Last but not least there is Theron. Or there was Theron. He was at his post a minute ago. Where did he go?

Don't tell me my 33-year-old eyes are failing on me. They can survive poison gas, being shot at, and 5 years in carbonite but tracking my new lover? Too much for them. Arms wrap around me, and I find my shoulders tense. "It's quitting time you know. Well, for normal people."

I smiled as the tension leaves my muscle; I rest my hands on his. How can he embrace me so well, given my frame is slightly bigger than his? "Midnight already? Time does fly when you're trying to prevent the galactic apocalypse."

Theron chuckled and rested his head against my back. It warmed with his touch. "It's always midnight somewhere, Crim."

It's so good to have his head resting there; it's so good to know he is here. Though before I had to watch him from a distance- Theron was often shy about expressing his feelings. I will not push but I could not help rest more of my back into him. I am here; he is here; we are in each other's arms. What more can I ask for? "Vacation." The words cut into my thoughts. "I just love the sound of the word. 'Va-ca-tion.'"

I smile and turn around so we are face-to-face. "This your way of telling me you want to go on vacation?"

Theron rested his chin on my chest while looking up at me. "Don't you love the sound of that idea?"

"After 5 years in carbonite, running around the galaxy, and finding you again… Yes, I do love the sound of that idea. I love the sound of it more for you, as I do not think you have slept once so far this week."

"I know," Theron blushed. "it's a bad habit. But what can I say—it's not easy to sleep when the galaxy is coming to an end."

I look at him with one of my eye ridges raised, finger twisting one of his hair strands. "I know, love, I know. But you cannot be all work and no play. I found you finally a month ago. It is not fair I have to miss you already."

Theron rests his head against my chest. "I'm sorry, Crim. Can I rest here for a moment? See, you don't have to miss me." I suppress a small gasp as I am blessed with permission to hold my lover in public.

Forgive my repetitiveness, but it I cannot help my pulse racing at how he's become so open about our relationship lately. He was a bit self-conscious at first and hesitant to show much affection in public. I know how he feels- I was hesitant at first when I was much younger. No matter how open the galaxy becomes, it is still weird to see two men together. I bet it's weirder for him to be one of 2 men together. A couple of days ago we were sitting in the cantina and he held my hand. He held my hand! Now, here we are just holding one another for anyone to see as they walk by.

I wonder if he's still hesitant because we never had a chance to really discuss things? True we talked during the party, and let our lips explore things, but putting faith in destiny without actually talking only goes so far. With a vacation, even if it is a mini one, we could talk and settle some of the confusion in the letter he sent me, which I still have by the way, and know what 'this- he and I' are so there are no doubts. I run my fingers through his hair. "I like the idea of a vacation, you know. I know the perfect spot."

Theron looked up, surprised by this: "You do?"

I reach to brush my fingers around his implants. "An old stomping ground of ours. During our time on Yavin IV, I found ruins that are quite secluded. There we can talk, and I mean really talk, about us without worrying about the alliance If you're up for it, I'd like to take you there and say and what I should have said all those years ago."

Theron nods along as I speak. "I like the idea. I don't think the Alliance will miss us if we are gone for a couple of days. Alright, Crim, let's take your ship."

Just like that we're off! So nice to be back on the Phantom again after 5 years. It's kind of empty now that my people are scattered to the winds. However, Theron is here with me. He makes the ship full.

#

When we get off the ship, he looks around. "Wow... Just, wow..." he says as we head down the ramp. We landed on a nice platform that marked the entrance to an old Sith temple. We could hear the birds, and rumble from animals. I could smell the waterfall coming down and feel the cool wind blowing through my longer hair. Theron's hair didn't move, though. Makes me wonder what he puts in it? Yes, even after days of running my fingers through it I can still not figure out the product. I'll have to ask him sometime about it.

Theron turns to me. "I know you said why here back on Odessen, but why here? Why bring me here?" He looks down somberly: "I did not exactly leave you here with plans to meet on Nar Shaddaa somewhere."

I reach out and lift his chin and smile at him. "It's quiet, has some good memories, and it is where some of my ancestors have settled. Thankfully my distant cousins will leave us be."

Theron looked at me with lips parted slightly: "There is Massassi blood in you? Explains why you are so protective and so big."

I sighed, "Theron… I'm this huge not because of my Massassi blood, but because Imperial Intelligence made me this way. There are so many things intelligence did to ensure I would be the perfect Cipher agent. I'm just happy I was able to break free eventually and it served other purposes."

"Your height and strength make you a very comfortable man to hug, for example." I blushed.

"So, Cipher Hug-able, what did you have in mind for a vacation? I still love saying that word: vacation."

I grinned: "Follow me," before heading inside to a room I managed to get open. In it was a beautiful waterfall and a lovely pool that went deep enough that one could sit in. "Right here. No audience, no need for shyness... Just you and me."

Theron smiled, and then looked away, some his shyness in his expressions. "Is it that obvious I still hold back some?"

I nodded. "Don't worry about it, Theron; I was expecting things to move slowly between us. I'm guessing you have never been with a man before?"

Theron nodded, biting his lip. "Sure, I found some men attractive, like I found some women attractive, but to openly be with one, nevermind love one was too weird for me. And I'm weird enough as it is. I'm sorry for acting like a shy teenager, Crim. I know I had 5 years to come to terms with things about myself, but I did not really have the chance." Theron looks down, his brows knit.

I placed a reassuring hand on his shoulder. "I understand, Theron. Being a bit different is never easy. And well I never was attracted to women but it did take me some time to come to terms with my sexuality. Thankfully, we are completely alone. You can hold back or be as open as you like. No expectations."

"I like the sound of no expectations, and I have been dying to truly be alone with you since I landed on Odessan. But," he admitted shyly, "I did not bring swim gear for this."

My eyes narrowed and my smile was sly: "Neither did I—you don't think that'll stop me from enjoying the water, do you?"

Theron's face turned so red. "No, no, no… of course not. Wait, are you expecting me to go... What happened to no expectations?"

I couldn't help but laugh. "Theron, there still are no expectations. They're called boxer shorts and I made sure there was extra in my ship before we departed. Swim, don't swim; skinny dip, don't skinny dip... It is up to you. I, however, prefer to go without any swimming trunks."

Theron shakes his head at me and laughs nervously. "I'm convinced self-consciousness is a foreign concept to you, Crim. If you're not wearing bright pink and purple one evening after destroying a star fortress, you are dancing with only pants on at the cantina."

I laughed. "I think you like it when I give into my flamboyant side. Those times are when you can never keep your eyes off me."

Theron looked at me and then at the water. His eyes shifted fast while he looked, as if debating what to choose between. Finally he scratches the back of his jacket and asked, "Well… Why skinny dipping?"

"Swimming without anything is quite relaxing for me. Perhaps it would be enjoyable for your too? And it is difficult to hide behind the façade of duty and reality when you are disrobed."

Theron took a step back. "Facade of duty and reality? Are you talking about when we parted on Yavin IV? I thought you understood? There was no way we could have stayed together the way things were! Or at least... If we wanted to be cautious and not risk one another."

I looked at my lover firmly and then dropped my rifle to the ground. It hit the rocks with a clang, and another set of clangs came out as I kicked it out of my way. "Of course I understood. And at the same time I was making the worst decision of my life: I chose to hold back and be the good Cipher, instead of fight for you. Well, I refuse to hold back and pretend any longer!"

I dropped my belt on to the floor: The first part of the façade, the one item that holds it all together. Regardless of what Theron chooses to do, I will live up to my words and uncover myself externally and internally to ensure Theron hears what I really wanted to say and that he sees the real Crimsèn under Cipher 8. "The last time we were here, you heard what Cipher 8 is supposed to say. What I really wanted to say was there is no need to end what we have since we are both spies! We know how to sneak into places, and we know where the neutral worlds are yes? I would have said you were so real to me because you understand me in ways no one else has. But I did not so here we are still shy around one another."

Theron is so silent. In his silence I stepped away from where we were standing and remove from upper armour: the black uniform jacket Lana gave me, the undershirt, and finally the cortosis jumpsuit. I look when I hear him take a breath. His eyes were on me and his lips parted slightly.

"You're. Beautiful," he said quietly, "and I walked away". His belt within seconds fell to the floor. "I'm sorry for just leaving you here those years ago. The more I look back the more I realize those words weren't really what I wanted you to hear, either. They weren't what my heart wanted to say."

I looked down at him through sad eyes: "Don't blame yourself completely, Theron," I said with a shaky voice, "I am the one who just let you go. The one day I chose to go with the flow and be the agent almost cost me you. If it weren't for the mess surrounding Ziost, it would have cost me you."

Theron slowly removed his jacket and shirt. I thought I would have to wait a couple of days for him to open up. I cannot help but stop to admire his courage, and his body. Theron notices my eyes and comments with a small chuckle, "See anything you like?"

I nodded with a small smile. "Everything." He came closer so our chests were against one another. He kissed me above where my heart should be.

"As I said in my letter, I'm horrible at relationships. Even with women I was horrible… I must admit you were an attractive thought, Crimsèn. It grew the more I got to know you—How many sith become spies with no force awareness?"

"As far as I know I am the only one who has made it this far. Many sith signed up and the majority of them either died on a mission, or Intelligence eventually did them in."

"And that is why I became so drawn to you. Why I am so drawn to you." Theron placed a hand on my left pectoral muscle and then slid it down a little. I shivered at the touch though did not move. It has been so long since I felt that kind of touch- I missed it.

Theron continued, "What you've accomplished isn't easy; walking away from what's 'expected' of you never is. Same can be said about me walking away from the SIS and going rogue. By all the rights in the Republic, I was expected to stay. But sometimes you have to do the hard things."

I reach to Theron and start rubbing his chest as he was rubbing mine. Nothing sexual, as I am still unsure if he is remotely ready for the idea of anything sexual between us, so I am just gentle. Thankfully he does not move away, or remove my hand. I hope he understands I just want to comfort, and I want to feel his skin under my hands for a change instead of just the thick clothing he likes to wear. I look down with a small sigh at Theron's toned and tanned chest. What a beautiful man, and I let him walk away.

Theron buries his face in my chest, as he so often does when we are alone, and admits in a muffled voice, "I was terrified I lost you on that world, love. Never mind my career, never mind the sixth line Jedi I sent. I could have lost the man I was falling in love with, that I have fallen in love with, because of my own misjudgment."

I wrapped my arms around him. "Theron, you had nothing to do with my presence there. Lana summoned me- I could not say no. I had to go there. It was not your fault. I was more terrified the Republic sent you there, possibly to your death. When I got the reports through intelligence and SIS sources that you were alive I was the happiest man in the galaxy. I figured perhaps I still had a chance… and then Zakuul."

Theron reached up and planted a kiss on my lips. I started to melt against him. His lips always tasted so good. "We were both spies, we could have made us work," he said softly, almost to himself.

I nodded with a smile. "Indeed we could have, but we chose not to. Perhaps it is for the best," I admitted quietly. I then slide my hands down his skin a few moments before letting him go and unfasten my pants and allow them to drop to the floor. I often feel pants represent security for men. We're fine when our shirts come off but heaven forbid we go without pants. I continued with reflection, insecurities and all, "We probably would not be here and alive if we had chosen to toughen things out. And I am not sure I would trade this for an ideal that wouldn't have come to pass."

Theron mimicked my movements so he was down to his boxers. He admits, "Yeah, I have thought of that. So much has happened in the galaxy that it is hard to believe it's only been 5 years. It feels more like 5 decades."

I nodded. I then took a breath and I stepped out of my boots and then slipped out of my boxers after stepping a little bit more away from him. I then smiled shyly, looking him in the eye, and walked away until I was underneath the waterfall. The cool water so refreshing in the midst of some of the emotional chaos that is in this room. Not every day a sith who has the red pureblood in his veins strips down before a Republic citizen. I'm sure Theron is still a bit nervous and unsure. So I turn around to him and said, "You do not need to remove the rest of your clothing if you do not want to, Theron. The water is great- I want you to enjoy it in the way that you are most comfortable with."

From the look he gave me, I could see he was tempted to keep his boxers on. But courage and perhaps desire got the best of him, and he soon joined me with the last of his clothing left behind. The water was a bit too chilly for him, as he embraced me the moment he got close enough. I chuckled. "Don't worry, and I am warm, yes?"

Theron nodded, "I know. I know you're here, and I can feel your warmth. The first person to actually be here in my life instead of trying to just direct it.

I ran my fingers through his hair as I eased us down so we were both sitting. I said in a voice that was shivering with nervousness, "Theron… I love you too. I have been falling in love with you since the day I met you on Manaan those years ago."

"And that is why I will never walk away without you again." Then he kissed me. It was more passionate than any of our kisses before. The way his hands moved against me were different than before, they were as erotic as the dream I had of him earlier. My senses were becoming a light to the point where I would soon lose control. And control lost before Theron was ready is not a good thing, so I pulled away. "Theron, if you're not ready to make love… "

Theron said, "Shhhhhhh…" as his lips moved along the part of my chest that was above the water. I let out a small moan when they grazed one of my nipples. His voice was so low and so hoarse... "I am not ready but I have been waiting to show how much I love you for 5 years. The days of holding back are over."

The cold water that falls from a waterfall is such a stark contrast to the most heated of passions. Passions that have waited 5 years to be surrendered to. The emotions and the tensions that were released when we finally cried out each other's name I never felt before. Never felt it with my first love, all those people I used in the name of Imperial Intelligence, and never felt it with my past flings. It was all just so much and so complete. It was amazing.

Going back to the ship after the sun set and making love again was just as amazing. Whatever shyness Theron had before is gone. I couldn't help but look at him with surprise at the passion coming from him. He chuckled and said, "Have I impressed you?" I do not answer. I only pull his mouth to mine again for another round.

When we were done, and settled under the covers I pulled him tighter against me. "Crim," Theron speaks quietly, "I love you. Don't go getting yourself killed, all right?"

"I will strive to stay alive, Theron. But please don't let me lose you so soon after finding you again?"

Theron does not say a word at first. He just kisses me deeply, and then goes back to cuddling under the covers. "I could never be that cruel to you."

As we lay there, I hope and pray "destiny" has enough compassion left for the two of us. Otherwise, Arcann and his Empire do not prove to be our end.