A/N Thanks to KTSmiles and LeeLee for their beta work on this chapter. Any errors remaining are mine.
*See more notes at the end of the chapter.
Sam does not cry easily. In fact, the only time she has cried since her mother's funeral, had been two and a half years ago when they thought Daniel had died. After her mother's death, her dad had not know how to raise a teenage girl. He had treated her in the same way as he did Mark, and taught them both the family mantra—Carters don't cry.
That lesson has served her well in the military. She has held herself to a higher standard to gain respect from her fellow airmen. Crying is not "done in the military". Sam has always tried to be more stoic and emotionally stronger than her male counterparts.
However, today the tears were threatening to spilling down her cheeks. Her recent encounter with Colonel O'Neill precipitated the tears, but she managed to escape to her lab before they began to fall. Now sitting in her darkened laboratory, as she angrily wiped her tears away, she remembered her conversation with the Colonel after the Tollana Incident. She had run into the Colonel in the corridor of the SGC as he left the Infirmary.
"Carter," he acknowledged her presence.
"Sir?"
"What!?" O'Neill grumbled as he turned to face her.
"She hesitated, as his look of disdain and impatience intimidated her. Then she asked hopefully, "Is there anything I can do?"
"About?"
Sam took a deep breath and said, "Well, Sir, with respect, you weren't exactly acting like yourself."
Then came the hurtful words. "No, Carter. I haven't been acting like myself since I met you. Now, I'm acting like myself." With that, he abruptly turned and walked away.
She began to think about the last few weeks. She had been quite emotional lately. Admittedly, she had worked hard trying to find a way to bring Colonel O'Neill home from Edora. She would acknowledge, if only to herself, to being exhausted. In addition, there was that dream where the Colonel had come by her house after his return from Edora. At least, she had convinced herself that it had been a dream. Still, she did not have a convincing explanation of how the empty Guinness bottle had appeared in her recycling bin.
Maybe that was part of her problem. She was allowing herself to daydream about the Colonel too often. She knew that was dangerous, considering their ranks and working relationship, especially, since some of the daydreams had seemed so real. Just look where it had gotten her – sitting in her lab in the dark and in tears.
That stopped now! The time for tears and emotional outbreaks was over. She had always examined things logically and rationally and logic dictated that the Colonel was not acting rationally. There was no way the man she had served with the last two and a half years would be so cruel. Despite what he had said, she knew he was not himself. She could not have misjudged him so badly. Something was going on and she was determined to find out what it was.
She got up from her chair, and prepared to leave her lab just as there was a knock on her lab door. She made sure there were no signs of tears on her face and opened the door to find Daniel and Teal'c standing there.
"Hi, guys," she said brightly.
Daniel eyed her closely. "Sam, are you okay?"
"Yes, Daniel, I'm fine."
Teal'c tilted his head to the side and asked, "Were you conducting an experiment in the absence of light, Major Carter?"
"No, why? Oh the darkness—Uh, I was just closing my lab for the day," she stammered. "What are you guys doing?"
Daniel looked at her. "You haven't heard the news?"
Sam shook her head. "What news?"
Daniel hesitated. He didn't know how Sam would react. "Jack just retired."
Sam could not believe her ears. "No, he can't! Why would he do that?"
"General Hammond gave him the choice of court martial or retirement," Daniel explained.
Sam was frantic, "This isn't right. Daniel, you need to go talk to him."
"I'm afraid O'Neill has already left the facility, Major Carter," Teal'c replied.
"Before you say anything, I've tried calling him and he won't pick up. I've left three messages already," Daniel added.
"Daniel, one of us has to talk to him. There is something wrong."
"Then, why don't you try to talk to him, Sam. He usually listens to you. When you aren't speaking technobabble, anyway." Daniel tried for a little levity to lighten the situation.
Sam thought back to her last attempt at conversation with the Colonel. "No, Daniel, he has firmly expressed his opinion to me. He is not going to listen to me."
Daniel and Sam both turned to look at Teal'c.
"I do not believe it is in O'Neill's best interest that I interfere in his decision." Teal'c responded in answer to their inquiring appeals.
"Then let's draw straws," said Daniel.
"What is this 'drawing of straws' of which you speak, Daniel Jackson?"
Sam explained it to Teal'c and they agreed that was a good idea. She prepared three straws, Teal'c drew first; then Daniel, with Sam getting the last straw. When they compared straws, Daniel had drawn the short one.
"Two out of three," he begged to no avail.
"No, this is what we agreed." Sam was firm. "Call us when you have news. I will be at home all weekend."
"Okay, But I'm not going tonight. Tomorrow morning will be better. He will have had time to think things over."
Sam concurred and added, "But do it early, before he has a chance to leave town. He may decide to go to his cabin."
Sam tossed and turned all night. She kept thinking about the Colonel and why he would have acted as he had. Even though she knew there was a dark side to him that she had not seen, she did not understand what could have precipitated his out of character actions against the Tollans.
Finding no answers for her questions, she decided to get up and go for a run. That usually helped her when she was having difficulties solving a problem – particularly early in the morning as the sun was just coming up. She loved this time of the day, when everything was fresh and new. She always had a better outlook on her problems in the morning.
She donned her running clothes and shoes – grabbed a bottle of water, her keys, and her phone. Sam enjoyed being outside, given that so much of her life involved working deep inside a mountain – especially lately. She ran, not thinking about anything, just enjoying the exhilaration the exercise gave her. After approximately thirty minutes, she decide to turn back toward home. She still had no answers to her earlier questions, but the endorphins released by the exercise made her feel better.
When she returned home, she decided to take a shower. She wanted to take a quick shower, so she reached for the Valhalla shower gel to use this time. That, and a shower pouf made for a speedy military style shower. Exiting the shower, she dried off with a fluffy towel and applied her moisturizer.
She was towel drying her hair as she walked to the kitchen to prepare some coffee. Just when the coffee was finished brewing, her doorbell rang. When she opened the door, there stood Daniel, looking decidedly dejected.
"Come in Daniel, I've got coffee on. You want anything else?" Sam asked as she led Daniel back to the kitchen.
"No, just coffee and lots of it."
As he sat down at the bar, Sam placed a cup of coffee in front of him. She sat down with a bran muffin and a cup of coffee. Daniel looked at the muffin hungrily. "A muffin might be good, after all," he said.
Sam heated another muffin and placed it before him. He nodded his thanks and kept drinking the coffee. She allowed him to eat the muffin and then poured him another cup of coffee before asking any questions.
Finally, she said, "I take it the talk didn't go so well."
"That is an understatement, Sam. The nicest thing he said was that I couldn't relate to him anymore than he could relate to me."
"Daniel, that doesn't make sense. You and Colonel O'Neill have been friends for a long time."
"That's what I thought, but when I asked him about the friendship, his comment was, 'Apparently not much of a foundation there, huh?'"
"What did you say?"
"At that point, I was speechless." At Sam's look of disbelief, Daniel laughed bitterly and said, "I know – me, speechless – who would every think it possible.? Yet, it's true. At that point, I just picked up my jacket and left."
"Then there seems to be nothing left for us to do." Sam shook her head sadly.
"Sam, are you sure you can't talk to him?"
"No, I've tried," Sam said. She told Daniel about her encounter with the Colonel at the SGC. Just remembering the look in his eyes made her shudder. She told Daniel that his words were cruel, but the way he spoke and the look in his eyes hurt more.
Before Daniel could reply, Sam's phone rang. She looked at the caller ID in hopes of it being Colonel O'Neill. Her face dropped – she showed the phone to Daniel. It was the SGC.
"Carter', she answered. She listened for a bit and then replied, "Yes Sir, I'll be there in thirty minutes."
She looked at Daniel. "Siler is having a problem with one of the gate diagnostics and General Hammond has asked me to come in and help."
Daniel said. "I'll follow you in, There are some translations I need to work on. Maybe it will take my mind off Jack."
Sam walked into her house hours later. It had taken longer than she expected to mend the problem with the gate. As tiring as it had been, she was thankful that it kept her busy, She had not thought about the Colonel once during that entire time. However, now that she was home, her mind began to dwell on that last conversation she had with him, as well as Daniel's discussion with him.
She was too exhausted to make any sense of it whatsoever. Instead, she chose to pour a glass of wine, go to bed, and read one of her romance novels. She would never live it down if the guys found out about her guilty pleasure. She picked up the one she had started reading. On the cover, the bare-chested hero, with his long hair flying in the wind, was riding a horse as he reached down for the full-bosomed heroine.
She laughed. If only her life could go the way of a romance novel. Except her hero would have short, silver gray hair, and drive a big green truck. As she read, she began to get sleepy. She put the glass of wine on the bedside table along with the book and turned off the light.
Her last thoughts before falling asleep were of that silver-haired hero in a green truck…
Sam heard a noise in her bedroom. Before she could react, a hand was clamped over her mouth, and she heard someone say, "Carter." When she opened her eyes, Colonel O'Neill was kneeling by her bed.
"Sir, what are you doing here? And how did you get in?" She asked, as soon as he removed his hand from her mouth.
"I'm retired, Carter. You don't have to call me Sir any more—and I was Black Ops, remember?"
"Of course, Sir," The honorific was habit. "Still, what are you doing here?"
Jack ran his hand through his hair. "I need to explain why I said what I did to you yesterday."
Sam sat up in the bed and scooted back against the headboard. She was trying to shake off the grogginess from being awakened so suddenly. Colonel O'Neill almost sounded like he was apologizing and he didn't do that often. "But wouldn't a phone call have been easier than breaking into my house in the middle of the night?"
"Maybe, but I'm pretty sure my phone and my house are bugged. This was my only option to speak to you without someone listening in."
Sam was truly confused now. "Why would your phone and house be bugged?"
Jack sat down on the edge of the bed and explained. "General Hammond has me on a special mission and no one - I mean no one – is supposed to know about it. I'm breaking all sorts of orders by being here right now. But between hurting you yesterday, and Daniel today, I had to let you know what's going on."
Jack stopped and looked as if he might not say anymore, so Sam prompted, "And that would be…"
"Ah. There's the problem. I can't really tell you. I just need you to trust me. And to believe that I don't mean to hurt you or Daniel."
"I do trust you, Sir. I wish you believed in me enough to tell me what's going on."
Jack rubbed his hand over his face. "I do, but there are some orders even I can't break."He could see the confusion still in her eyes. "Carter, you can't tell anyone what I've just told you."
"Not even Daniel or Teal'c?"
Jack grimaced. "Especially not Daniel. You know how he talks. Teal'c wouldn't say anything, but, still, no."
Sam understood. She was just glad he had told her what was going on. It explained much of what had happened lately.
"Thanks for telling me, Colonel. It means a lot. Sam started to get out of bed. "Can I get you a drink or anything?"
"No I can't stay. I should be going before someone checks my house and finds me missing."
Sam didn't say anything as she just looked at him. Jack started to get up, but something in Sam's eyes was compelling him to stay. He made up his mind. It wouldn't hurt to stay for just a little while. He took off his jacket and hung it on a chair. "Move over," he said.
Sam blinked. She wasn't' sure she heard him correctly. "Huh?"
"Move over." Jack repeated.
Sam scooted over and he stretched out on top of the bed covers. He put his arm around her and pulled her close, placing a soft kiss in her hair. "I will stay for awhile, but no more talk. You go back to sleep. Just remember – everything you hear and see in the next few weeks may not be what it appears to be."
Sam snuggled into his side and happily hummed as she fell asleep.
Sam slowly woke up the next morning remembering her dream of her silver-haired hero. She recalled how he snuggled with her in bed. And how he told her of the special mission he had been assigned.
She sat up in bed. No. No. No! She was dreaming of her CO again. Hadn't she decided not to indulge in dreams of him again. Yet, if only that dream had been true. She remembered how he had told her not to believe everything she saw and heard. She would really like for that to be true. She didn't want to lose him as her CO. Even more, she didn't want to lose his friendship.
However, that didn't seem to be an option. From what the Colonel had said to both her and Daniel, he had never considered them friends. That hurt, but she had Daniel, Teal'c, and her career. Those were the important fundamentals in her life. From now on, Colonel O'Neill would be nothing to her but a former commanding officer. She would move forward and not dwell on the "what ifs" of her life.
With that resolution, Sam got out of bed and walked across the room. "Ouch", she exclaimed, as her bare foot hit a sharp metallic object of the floor. She bent over and picked it up. It was a large zipper pull exactly like those on the Colonel's brown leather jacket. The jacket he had on in her dream…
*All the bath products mentioned in the story are actual products I use. They are from a lovely little company called LillaSyster Soap Company. You can find them online at .com
