Donna stared at the answering machine and pressed play for what seemed like the hundredth time that afternoon. He sounded sad, she decided after a long deliberation. She closed her eyes and hit delete. She couldn't spend her day listening to him on her voicemail – it was impractical. She had a plan. It wasn't a great plan, because it lacked the planning that a great plan typically has; but she didn't have time for all that. On Friday night, she was in love with the man of her dreams and now, on Monday, she was running away from the very same guy.
She closed her eyes remembering how devastated she felt sitting on that bench by the water when he ran away from her. She had looked around – she didn't see a reporter. She prided herself on being able to spot a guy with a camera a mile away. He freaked out. He tended to do that on occasion – it's not like it was the first time in the six-months of their now ill-fated relationship that he had panicked. He was, by nature, nervous. He was always looking over his shoulder. And mostly, she didn't mind it – but somewhere it started to feel like he was panicked all the time about her. Maybe it wasn't the case, but she couldn't turn off her feelings. She encouraged him to talk to Stanley, but he insisted he was fine. She didn't want to argue with him, so she'd let it go. Now, she couldn't help but think maybe talking to someone might have changed things for them – or maybe not.
Since coming back to DC Friday night, she had been busy. She cried first and then began packing up all of his stuff from around her apartment. She sighed, looking at the two postal crates that were filled with his stuff. She'd been surprised there had been so much! There was stupid things, like random sweatshirts and a few button down shirts that she'd picked up from the cleaners for him and hadn't quite returned yet, there was his Mets hat and Mets plastic cup that he needed when he watched baseball, and some notebooks and books that he'd carelessly left on the various tables, knowing that he could grab them any time. Then, there was other stuff. Stuff like his toothbrush, the picture of everyone together with him and his mother when he'd first come home from the hospital, the picture of the two of them from California right before they got together – they were at the fundraiser and she was laughing at something and he was staring at her with such intensity that it still made her shiver, and basic personal items like his razor, deodorant, and a bottle of his aftershave – things that let her know they were a couple.
After she assembled his stuff, she made her way through her stuff and packed her essentials into two suitcases and a carry-on bag. Then, she tackled the office and reorganized everything so that Josh's workflow wouldn't be too upset by her leaving. She'd thought long and hard about what she was doing. She had been in love with her boss for years. For the last six months, she was able to enjoy it. Knowing how great it was to kiss Josh made it next to impossible to be near him and think that the kissing wasn't going to happen. It sucked. It sucked a lot.
Working in politics pretty much kills your social life. All of the friends she had before the first campaign probably wouldn't remember her at all. Her friends were Josh's friends. They worked for the President. They were people that both she and Josh agreed should not, under any circumstances, know about their relationship. She really had very few options. She needed a shoulder to cry on. She needed a friend who wasn't going to lecture her. She needed a job where Josh wouldn't be able to swoop in and find her. She needed Sam. She sighed as she picked up her phone and dialed his number in California. She knew he was there this week and not in DC. "Is the Congressman in?" she asked the girl who answered the phone. "Yes," she smiled, automatically, "please tell him Donna from Josh Lyman's office," easily falling into her old habit.
"Donna?" Sam asked, answering the phone. "How are you?"
"Sam," she smiled just hearing his voice. "I'm…I'm really not that great," she said, tearing up a little bit. "And you?" she asked.
"What's wrong?" he asked, concerned. "Is your family okay? Josh?"
"Everyone's fine," she sighed, thankful for his concern. "I…I need a job. A job that is…well, not here."
"You need a what? You're….what did you tell us all the time? Impervious!" he exclaimed, remembering. "Did Josh get fired or something? I know I haven't really talked to him in a few months, but things were fine at the fundraiser thing a few months back."
"No…I can't work for him right now, Sam," she tried to explain. "I just…I can't. And, being here? Being here would make it so much worse. Being somewhere, like all the way across the country, would be better."
"What happened, Donna?" he asked.
"I…I shouldn't say anything. It's not something we said we'd discuss," she said, slowly. "He'd be upset if I told you."
"I won't say anything to him," Sam promised her. "I thought we were friends, too."
"We are," Donna sighed. "I…I just haven't really talked it about it out loud to anyone else besides Josh – it just seems weird," she hedged a little.
"Donna," he said, sitting down and pinching the bridge of his nose, "if you just tell me what is going on, maybe we can fix it."
"We can't," she sighed, crying a little. "Sam, Josh and I? We were…together," she sighed. "Like together, together."
Sam found himself smiling at her admission a little, "Yeah?" he asked. "He finally had the balls to ask you out? I'm impressed. What'd Toby say?"
"He didn't so much ask me out as we just kissed and then that was that. It was after your fundraiser in California," she told him. "And Toby didn't say anything because we haven't told anyone. It would be too damaging for everyone involved and for lots of people not involved," she sighed. "It was for the best."
"You said you guys were together," Sam said, quietly.
"Can't get anything past you, huh?" she laughed, sadly and went onto explain the events of Friday evening.
"Well…" Sam sighed, "I mean, it's Josh," he shrugged. "Shouldn't he get slack? He's paranoid by nature."
"I know," she said, wiping her eyes again. "But, Sam, I've tried for months. I've done everything he's asked. I've gone above and beyond. I knew keeping us a secret would come at a price, but I never thought he'd be able to make me feel cheap or embarrassed. He did that."
"You have to know he loves you," Sam said quietly. "He's loved you for years."
"I know," she cried, "that's what makes things worse. I love him, too. I barely slept all weekend because I'm actually used to sleeping with him. The bed was too big without him. Sam, I love him so much. But, I can't let myself be dragged down. He needs to figure things out for himself before we can even entertain discussing us again."
Sam was quiet for a moment and then smiled, "So, my State Director is pregnant and goes on leave in the next week or two. How soon can you come out?"
"Tonight," she smiled at his generosity.
"You'll stay with me and take over the office while she's out. If you need to leave, you need to leave. If you need to stay longer, we'll figure it out," he told her.
"You won't…I mean…" she hesitated asking him to lie for her.
"I won't tell anyone from The White House you're here," he assured her. "Now, what's your flight number, because I know you are all ready to go."
She smiled and filled him in on her arrangements and told him she'd see him later that night. Her flight left in a couple of hours. She arranged for a cab and then she called Carly. "Office of the Deputy Chief of Staff," she heard the girl say.
"Carly?" Donna asked. "This is Donna Moss," she told her. "I used to have your job."
"Yes," Carly smiled. "Are you coming back soon? This Josh guy? He misses you I think. He looks like hell, but I think it's because he misses you. I'm not really sure what to do with him."
"Bring him coffee once a day – whether he drinks it or not. He likes coffee. Make sure he eats a salad every once in a while. Oh…he likes his hamburgers burnt beyond recognition. He likes note cards and he doesn't like the intercom. The yelling is tough to get used to, but it's his form of communication. He pisses people off a lot; the number to the flower place is in the top left-hand drawer on your desk. Most of the men like fruit baskets – the woman tend to prefer the flowers," she shared her years of experience with her replacement. "Oh, remind him to call his mother every Thursday, she likes to know he's doing okay. Don't let him drink too much; he tends to go overboard with alcohol. If he's mean to you, tell him; sometimes he says things without realizing the consequences," she said, pursing her lips a little on that last one.
Carly wrote everything down that Donna shared with her. "He seemed really sad," Carly whispered into the phone.
"Yeah," Donna sighed. "If he doesn't get better in a few days, tell Leo that he needs to get Josh in to see Dr. Keyworth – Leo has all the information and he'll take care of it, okay?"
"Okay," Carly nodded. "Anything else?"
Donna took a deep breath, "I need you to call him tonight around 10 PM on his home phone. I need you to keep calling until he picks up. When he does, you need to tell him that I will be calling the office tomorrow morning at 7:15 AM. Okay? He has staff at 8 AM, so he'll need to be there early."
"Okay," Carly said, cautiously. "Is everything okay?"
"No," Donna said honestly, "but I hope it will get better." She cleared her throat, "So what time are you calling him tonight?"
"Ten o'clock," Carly answered. "And I'm telling him you're calling the office at 7:15 tomorrow morning."
"Thank you," Donna smiled. "I appreciate it. Do me a favor and call me tonight and let me know you got a hold of him. I left my cell in the desk for you."
"No problem. Take care," Carly said, hanging up the phone.
"No problem," Donna muttered to herself as she let herself into Josh's condo and kicked the boxes into the door. She arranged them by the counter near the kitchen – right where he always dropped his keys. She knew he would be sure to see them. She smiled sadly as the piece of paper she laid on top of the boxes. It was a simple note that said, "I found this stuff at my place and thought you'd need it. Please take care of yourself – you know I worry. I love you…please tell me know you that. Always, D."
It was to the point, she thought, and got back into her cab and headed to the airport.
By the time she reached California she was a mess. Sam met her at her gate and she was never more happy to see anyone in her entire life. She melted into his open arms and sobbed hysterically. "It's okay," he murmured and stroked her hair. "It's okay – I promise. We'll fix this. You know we will. I'll help," he said, with a small smirk. "It'll be fun."
"You can't fix this," she shrugged out of his embrace. "Josh and I? We just weren't meant to be."
"Impossible," Sam said, walking over to baggage claim to get her luggage. "I refuse to accept that on account that it is stupid."
"Yeah?" she asked, laughing.
"Yes," he nodded, picking up her bags. "C'mon," he sighed, "let's get you home."
She got settled in his place and pulled out her phone to await Carly's call.
Josh had gotten home around 8:30 that night. He was exhausted. It was one of the worst Mondays ever. He found that to be more true when he walked in and found his stuff from Donna's apartment back in his condo. He picked up the note and read it twice before ripping it up into little pieces. He opened his refrigerator and realized that he needed to go shopping – like that was going to happen at the moment. He did have scotch. He liked scotch. He drank lots of scotch. Around 10 that night, his phone started ringing. Message after message, Carly kept saying she'd be calling back if he didn't pick up. Finally, around 11:15 PM her message got his attention. "Josh?" she said into the voicemail. "I know you're there. This is stupid. Pick up the damn phone please – you're starting to worry me. Listen, Donna called today…"
He picked right up. "You didn't tell me she called," he said, sobering up a little – at least enough to be pissed.
"She didn't want to talk to you," she said simply. "She wanted to give me some pointers on you. And she wanted me to call you tonight and make sure you were okay. Are you okay?" she asked.
"Not particularly," he shrugged, "but I've been worse, so I think I'll live."
"Okay," she nodded. "You have to be at work tomorrow before 7:15 AM," she told him. "Donna is going to call the office then. You better be there to pick up. I think she means business."
"Okay," he nodded. "Hey, a…Carly?" he asked. "How did she sound?" he wondered.
"Miserable," she told him.
"Okay," he whispered.
"Josh?" Carly asked. "Are you going to be okay tonight?"
"I'll see you in the morning," he dismissed her. He got up off the floor and went to his bedroom and fell onto the bed. He found one of her stupid teddy bears that she was always buying from everywhere they went on the bed and he fell asleep hugging it – not before he set his alarm. He was not about to miss her call in the morning.
Carly hung up with Josh and called Donna.
"Did he pick up?" Donna asked, clearly worried.
"He did, eventually. He'll be waiting for your call," she told her.
"Okay, thank you," Donna smiled with relief. "How did he sound?"
"Like someone ran over his puppy," Carly said honestly. "Look…is there something going on with you guys that I should know about?"
"Nothing," Donna sighed. "Thanks again, Carly. I appreciate it."
"Yeah," Carly sighed. "Don't mention it. Bye."
"Bye," Donna smiled and hung up the phone.
Donna looked at her clock and sighed. She had to be up really early. She closed her eyes to try to sleep her sadness away. Of course, she was wearing one of his old Harvard t-shirts and hugging the Mets bear he bought her the first time he took her to Shea. It was hard not to have his arms around her, but smelling his aftershave on the bear helped.
At 7:00 AM Josh was stationed at his desk staring at the phone. Carly brought him in coffee and he ignored her completely.
By 7:04 he was pacing. By 7:12 his hand was on the receiver in anticipation. She was, of course punctual and called him at 7:15 on the dot.
"Josh Lyman," he said as he grabbed the phone on the first ring.
"Hi," she whispered.
"Hi," he said back, just as soft. "I miss you and I'm sorry and I can't sleep without you," he said, not giving her a chance to say anything.
"I'm sorry too. I love you and miss you, too, Josh," she told him quietly. "You know I do."
"Then why is my stuff in boxes on my floor? Why was there a note? Why do I feel like you've already left and I have no chance in fixing this?" he asked.
She cried softly and heard him sigh loudly into the receiver. "I'm…Josh...I'm not exactly in town right now," she said quietly.
"What does that mean?" he asked.
"I left Washington," she told him.
"For how long?" he asked. "Did you go home? I will come to you. Where are you? I can make this better – you have to give me a chance to make it better," he begged.
"I just want some time, Josh," she sighed. "I want you to figure out what you want, what you need and what you can handle. I want you to be okay and not constantly looking over your shoulder. I want you to be content. I want you to be happy," she sighed. "Us together? It was stressing you out. Your heart doesn't need that kind of pressure."
"My heart needs you," he whispered.
"Please Josh," she begged him. "Please understand how hard this is for me. I want to be the one to fix everything. I like being that person for you. But…you're so broken right now and this thing between us? It was not helping matters," she said rationally. "You were constantly on edge and you can't have that kind of stress. Not if it can be helped, which it can be."
"I miss your shampoo smell," he told her.
She smiled, remembering him rolling over in the mornings and breathing her in before kissing her neck. "I miss you so much," she said, as tears flowed down her cheeks.
"Tell me we can make this better," he insisted. "Tell me it can be better."
"I don't know," she shrugged. "I want to hope it can be better," she said hesitantly. "Just right now? Right now, we can't be fixed until you are okay with everything. Josh – do you know why I had Carly call you so many times last night? And why I'm calling you this morning?" she asked.
"That Christmas after Rosslyn," he murmured quietly, "with the window."
"Yeah," she sighed. "You scare me sometimes, Josh," she told him honestly. "You get so far into yourself…I worry that one day you might not want to come out."
"You make me want to be better," he told her, honestly.
"I have to go," she told him. "Promise me you will take care of yourself."
"I don't know how to do this without you, Donna," he repeated his statement from the week before.
"What, Josh?" she asked.
"Anything," he sighed. "Work, life," he shrugged, "take your pick."
"Well, it's an answer this time," she sighed. "Carly'll be good for you. She can do a good job with your work stuff and she's gonna make sure you eat vegetables every once in a while."
"I want to see you," he told her.
"I'm not anywhere close to you," she told him. "I…I don't know when I'm coming back."
"What are you doing for money? Can I help?" he offered.
"No," she smiled. "I found a job, actually."
"In a day?" he asked.
"I'm resourceful," she reminded him.
"That you are," he agreed with a smirk.
"I love you," she told him.
"You'll be in touch?" he asked, scared for a moment of losing her forever.
"I promise," she told him.
"Donna," he sighed. "I…," he started to say. She held her breath thinking he was finally going to say it. She knew Josh loved her; he just couldn't verbalize it. "Take care of yourself," he amended, clearing his throat a little, his voice coming out a little husky. "Promise me you're not gone forever. Promise me that, Donna," he begged.
"I promise," she breathed into the phone. "Have a good day, Josh." She smiled and listened to him exhale, while she waited for him to disconnect the phone.
"If he asks me if you're here, I'm not lying," Sam said, from her doorway.
She jumped a little, startled by his presence. "Did I wake you?" she asked.
"Donna, it's like 4 something in the morning," he reasoned with her. "Of course you woke me. Is he okay?"
"I think he will be. In time, he'll see that I was right and that this was too much for him," she tried to sound positive.
"I think you two crazy kids are in love and if he asks me if you are here, I am not denying it."
"Brutus," she said, glaring at him as she laid herself back down. "Can I sleep today and start work tomorrow?" she asked.
"Yeah," he smirked. "I'll check on you later," he smiled and left her alone with her Mets bear.
