A/N: Sorry this took so long. Between life and trying to get this just right, it took a while.

So the title and this chapter were inspired by lines from Katelyn Tarver's song 'You Don't Know." The part that really spoke to me and that I felt expressed what Lucy is feeling is listed below.

So let me just give up

So let me just let go

If this isn't good for me

Well, I don't wanna know

Let me just stop trying

Let me just stop fighting

I also was inspired, despite it being a Garcy video, by DorysEv.'s 'You Don't Know' video on YouTube.

However much I love these lyrics, I didn't want to leave Lucy with the slightly defeatist attitude that they imply. Instead I wanted to use these feelings to springboard Lucy onto a bit of a journey. IMO, both she and Wyatt need to go on one if they are going to ever find their way back to each other. The start of his journey is the next chapter. It's almost done. Just tweaking some things. As always, reviews are always appreciated.

If This Isn't Good For Me Then I Don't Want To Know

Lucy sat on Garcia's bed and slowly sipped from the glass of vodka that he had given her. He had scooped her up and half carried her to his room where he gently deposited her on his bed. She had initially attempted to get up and get past him. To head back to the bunker's kitchen and continue whatever that scene was with Wyatt but Garcia refused to allow her to leave.

"Nope. Not gonna happen. You don't need to be out there for that."

"Damn you Garcia. How dare he? If he thinks that he can just say things like that and get away with it then he has another thing coming. Where does he get off telling me what the hell I should have done. He has no right to tell me anything anymore."

By the time she had finished she was practically shouting. She could feel the anger rolling off her body in waves. There was so much hatred in her right now after that little speech and Wyatt Logan was the perfect target. 99% of that hatred was directed at him anyway.

Garcia simply raised his hands up in a gesture of surrender and began to speak to her in soothing tones.

"Lucy, I'm glad that you're finally starting to express the anger that you had to have been feeling for a long time. It's a good thing. In my mind you're not nearly angry enough, but I'm not going to let you go out there and confront Wyatt right now. No possible good can come of it."

If looks could have killed, but Garcia didn't let that stop him from continuing. "If you have this conversation right now, while you are both this angry, there will be no coming back from anything that either of you say."

The long bitter laugh that escaped at his words shocked even her. "Really? How the hell can you possibly think that we have any way forward after this?"

At that she burst into tears and Garcia gathered her into his arms. He held her and rocked her as she wept for what seemed like days. When would she be done crying over Wyatt Logan? It obviously wasn't the first time, when he had told her goodbye and went to steal the Lifeboat to get Jessica back. She didn't think that she could really be blamed for crying the second time, when her mother had told her that he, Rufus, Jiya, and all of her friends and coworkers from Mason Industries were dead. The tears that she had shed after he left her without a word when Jessica texted or the ones after that when he uttered the fatal words that had destroyed everything, "Jessica's alive," those should have been the last. But here she was, once again sobbing over a hurt caused by Wyatt.

When she had finally calmed, Garcia rose, poured her a glass of vodka, and told her to drink. So here she was. Drinking vodka in Garcia Flynn's room after having her heart broken, again. And somehow this enigmatic man, who had become a surprisingly good friend, thought that there might be something left to salvage from the smoking embers of her friendship and brief relationship with the broken Delta Force Soldier.

"Yes, Lucy. I think there is something left to salvage. There is a fine line between love and hate and I don't think what Wyatt Logan feels is hate. And however much you want it to be, I don't think that is really what you feel for him either."

The look that he gave her was filled with compassion and understanding and something else that she couldn't identify.

"I can't keep doing this. There is no possible way this is good for me, but …" She took another large drink from the glass as she tried to pull her thoughts together. Tried to think of how to explain her complicated feelings to this man when she couldn't even explain them to herself. Of course, he claimed to know her better than she knew herself and he had her journal. Perhaps he might understand more than she had previously given him credit for.

"I think the person that I really hate most is myself. I don't hate Wyatt, you're right about that. I wish I could. Or, hate isn't all that I feel for him." Lucy looked up at Garcia hoping that he could help her to understand.

"See, I went into this with my eyes open. From the first night that I met Wyatt, his sole focus has been on getting Jessica back. I knew that and I allowed myself to fall in love with him anyway. Despite the fact that I always knew she would be lurking there like some shadowy ghost, I took the plunge anyway."

By now, Garcia had poured his own glass and he took a long swallow at her words. "The heart wants what it wants Lucy. You can't control where you love." Another large gulp, he couldn't quite bring himself to meet her eyes, and he continued. "Sometimes you just find yourself drawn to someone. Find yourself aware of their every movement. Somehow you have the ability to read them and know what they are thinking and feeling. What they need. You want to make them smile, heal their pain, protect them from harm. Without knowing it, you find yourself neck-deep in love. It just happens."

"So you understand." She sent him a look of commiseration.

"Yeah, I understand." His look was somewhat bitter and she wondered if he was thinking of Lorena.

"Maybe I should just stop fighting it. Just give up and accept that I'm going to be in love with Wyatt until I die." She sent a bitter smile his direction. "Telling myself that I have to stop loving him doesn't seem to be working."

Another drink for both of them. They sat in silence for a while. Garcia in his uncomfortable, too small chair, legs stretched out before him and Lucy sitting curled into herself and huddled under a blanket on his bed. Each of them lost in memories that brought as much pain as they did joy. Finally he roused himself to speak.

"I didn't say that you would be in love with Wyatt until you die. I don't know the answer to that. But, I do know that you need to stop fighting it. Admit it, accept it, and try to live with it."

His eyes were haunted as he looked up at her again. "It helps. Not fighting with yourself or blaming yourself eliminates one source of pain and turmoil. Then you just try to … move forward."

"I don't know how to do that Garcia. Move forward. He's been my touchstone since this started. It's all jumbled up together inside. Friendship and reliability, desire, love, and now all these feelings of anger and hatred and betrayal. How do I get past that?"

She can't face him as she speaks. These thoughts and feelings are so huge and personal. She has always been someone who can barely admit her feelings to herself let alone to someone else. That was one of the things she loved, loves, about Wyatt. That she felt comfortable opening herself up to him. Did it without even thinking about it. She's beyond amazed that she is having this conversation with Garcia and admits that the alcohol might have something to do with her level of openness. Lucy still can't believe that she will write all of this down and give it to him.

He appears to be seriously pondering her question. It takes a long while and several more sips for both of them. They are each well into their fourth glass before he attempts to answer.

"Forgive yourself for what you see as your past mistakes or weaknesses. You love Wyatt. That's where you are now. Give it time. Focus on rebuilding yourself."

She looked up at him a bit in shock at his words. Focus on herself? Never in her life has she done that. Always, her first thoughts have been for others. What would make her mother happy? How did Amy feel? What did Wyatt need? How could she ease his pain? She wouldn't even know how to begin to put herself first.

"You have so much strength and courage. Everyone but you can see it. So be your own security. Do what it takes so that you feel … comfortable is the wrong word but … more, I don't know, at home in this world that you've had thrust upon you."

She is watching him as Garcia describes her. Strong, is that really how he sees her? How the others see her? She finds herself nodding in response to his words. The idea of being secure in herself is an attractive one. Lucy doesn't think she has ever really been secure in who she is. She thought she was starting to find that with Wyatt but maybe that is something she has to find on her own.

"Okay. I feel a bit like a broken record but how?"

Again, he considers carefully before answering. "Maybe focus on some self defense and weapons training. You can think on your feet and your knowledge of practically any point in history and all of the potential ramifications of its change is fucking impressive, but I don't think Stanford offered a lot in the way of target practice or hand to hand combat."

She let out a genuine laugh at that. "No, that was always Amy. She didn't go in for weapons but she was a fanatic for physical fitness and loved her Judo classes. She used to try to get me to join her. Told me it would be good for me."

"Well, your sister would know you best out of any of us and I can't say that she's wrong. So that's where we start. We get you set up with a good workout, some target practice, and some self defense classes. Since our go to guy for that isn't going to be an option, I'm happy to help or I can talk to Denise if you would feel more comfortable with her."

"Thanks." She considered him for a moment. "I think you will make a good instructor Garcia."

Her smile this time is real, not the full mega-wat radiance that would normally encompass a Lucy Preston smile, but real nonetheless. For the first time since returning from Salem, Lucy feels like she might have a bit of solid ground beneath her feet. It's not much but she has a plan. She loves Wyatt. She hates Wyatt. She doesn't really know anymore. Whatever she feels, it just is. So she'll stop trying to fight it. She won't think about it. For the first time in her life Lucy Preston is going to focus on herself and see where that takes her.