You Can't Kill Someone Who's Already Dead
Chapter III

Published on: 03/02/11

Disclaimer: I don't own the Naruto or Sonny series. They belong to Masasashi Kishimoto and Jakrin respectively. Also, there will be a secondary disclaimer at the end of each chapter that includes new characters not already covered.

'thought' - thinking

"spoken word" - speaking

bold - jutsu or technique being used

Flashback

""Remember me for who I am, not what I was."

""I will." promised Galiant. And with that I was swept to my second and final death. Or so I thought.

End Flashback

"When I was sucked into the orb, I entered some sort of tunnel. It looked just like the orb in colour. Eventually I was thrown out of the tunnel in a great flash of light. I ended up in a city that I later learned was called Vancouver. You should have seen it, peoples of different backgrounds, cultures, and appearance all coexisting in relative peace and harmony.

"Now, being a zombie, I was wary of how others would react to my appearance, so I disguised myself and began to gather information on where I was. Apparently I had ended up in a country called Canada, on a world called Earth, or in the language where that name originated, Terra. They had technology there so incredible, it blew my mind! There were flying machines, trains that ran without a track, and the computers there were connected through something called the Internet which allowed you to access and send files around the world to other computers without wires! There was also an amazing array of different foods. Heck, that's how I was converted to The Church of The Log."

"They worship the Log!" exclaimed Sarutobi.

"Yeah, but not like ninjas." explained Sonny. "You see, ninjas are extinct in that world. They worship the Log because it was through the Log that man discovered fire, which led to the creation of barbecue. Mmm, barbecue." Sonny began to drool profusely. "Crap." He then held his hand over his face mask which was now soaked in drool and drew the saliva out of it. "Is there somewhere I can put this?" he asked.

"There's a garbage can here beside the desk." replied Sarutobi. 'He can even draw water of clothing. And he even drew out the solids and bacteria, removing the odour. I should create a mission to take advantage of this.'

"Anyways," continued Sonny, "The best barbecue has always been slow cooked, smoked barbecue. Through the use of certain kinds of logs, they flavored the meat using the smoke. This is what lead to the founding of The Church of The Log over there. For it is through the Log that man should not fear the beasts, but feast upon their flesh. Amen."

"Amen." intoned the rest.

'Excellent,' thought Sarutobi, 'This will help to spread the Word of the Log.'

"So how did you end up in the Elemental Nations?" inquired Inu. Sonny cleared his throat as he continued.

"After a few years in Canada, the Shinigami appeared before me. When he introduced himself, I fully expected him to escort me to the afterlife. To my surprise, the shinigami did no such thing. He thanked me for helping to deal with the whole zombie issue on my world. He had been trying to solve that problem ever since their souls had gone missing from his kingdom. In thanks, he actually gave me several extra years of life, turning my body into that of an eighteen year old's. You see, he has no control over the living, but because I'm technically part dead he can still influence me. Afterwards he contacted another kami to help me out.

"Now, I can't tell you much about the other kami because they forbid me to. I can't describe him but what I can tell you is that he has dominion over the passage of beings to other worlds. On a side note. I'm not sure what gender he is or if he has a gender, but I will refer to him as a male because it is far easier to do so.'

"Anyways, the Shinigami bid me goodbye and good luck before he left. Afterwards, the other kami took me through a strange portal. While we were in it, he explained that he was taking me to a nexus, and crossroad between worlds. I would stay there while he prepared a gateway to my world. Seems that since he had not visited my world in a long time it would take a great deal of time to reconstruct time to reconstruct a path there, especially because of the fluctuations I caused by leaving through unorthodox means.

"While I was in the nexus, I met many strange peoples, some of which I befriended. Working with them, I first developed my fire and lightning abilities there, including my flight capabilities. The greatest thing that I did there was sign a summoning contract."

"You have a summoning contract?" exclaimed Sarutobi.

"Yep, although it's a lot different than the summoning contracts you are familiar with. You see, instead of signing with the clan and being able to summon anyone of the clan, you create your own summoning contract and have each individual summon sign it themselves. Usually they will first test you to see if you are worthy of their aid, but a few summons are willing to sign in exchange for trade or mutual aid agreements. I signed with the wolves."

'Note to self, warn him about the Inazuka before he summons anything.' thought Sarutobi as he recalled the last time the Inazuka were around a non-clansman wolf user.

Sonny coughed to regain there attention as he continued. "Eventually, the day came when the gateway was ready. I said my goodbyes and prepared to go home. Unfortunately, things didn't go as planned.

"You see, there are several kami, demons, andother deities who dislike me for various reasons. Some of them I pissed off because they are arrogentpricks who I refused to bow to. Others just like to mess with me because they find it amusing. One of them just hates me because I'm good friends with the Kami of the Log."

"Wait a second. Are you telling me that there is a Kami of the O Holy Log?" deadpanned Sarutobi.

"I was as surprised as you when I found out myself," replied Sonny, "And even more so when I found out that it was a women. Though now that I think about it, that makes sense because do you really think a man would have have gifted ninjas with the holiness that is the Log?

"Anyways, they bribed the counterpart kami to sabotage the one who was helping me. You see, the kami helping me is the manifestation of the creative spirit and order while his counterpart is the manifestation of the destructive spirit and chaos. The gateway was supposed to destroy me, but thanks to the efforts of several kami who were favourable or neutral to me, the end result was that the gateway sent me to a random world. I ended up in Wave country five years ago."

Sarutobi was shaken to the core. Here was a person who had faced countless obstacles and came out stronger for it. He had defied gods and demons time and again, and when faced with insurmountable odds, this man had moved forward without hesitation.

'This is the kind of man who inspires greatness in those around him, just like the Fourth.' mused Sarutobi.

"Sonny," announced Sarutobi, "I would like to officially welcome you to Konohagakure and extend an offer for you to join the shinobi ranks of Konoha."

Sonny smiled as he responded. "I'm all up for joining the village, but I imagine that there would be conditions if I became a shinobi of Konoha."

Sarutobi sighed as he answered him. "First off, you would be put on a probation period that all foreign nins joining the village have to go through. That would mean that you couldn't leave the village or do any missions for six months. In addition, you would have two ANBU accompanying you for three months."

"Anything else?" asked Sonny. Sarutobi sighed again. "The council will probably want to enact the Clan Restoration Act so as to start a new clan using your bloodline. That would mean you would have to take multiple wives."

"Sarutobi," responded Sonny in a grave voice, "I'm calling in that favor right now. I don't care what you have to do, but I am not marrying anyone unless I choose to, let alone have multiple wives."

"What's the problem?" asked Inu.

"He still has issues with women trying to seduce him." answered Naruto.

"He's right." added Sonny. "Ever since the incident where those Iwa kunoichi captured me, I swore off women. Especially since I have never been attracted to or aroused by a women during my life as an undead man."

"Really?" asked an unconvinced Inu.

"Yeah. And no, I'm not gay." replied Sonny.

"Well, seeing as you are so adamant about it, I'll make something up about studying to check if you are able to still have children." sighed Sarutobi as he thought of all the paperwork he would have to go through to pull this off. 'At least I have the secret now.'

"Just tell them that I got hit onece in between he legs by a sledgehammer. It's true so that should get them off my back." commented Sonny. Seeing their pained expressions, he chuckled. "Don't worry, I was wearing a nut guard so I barely felt a thing." he explained.

"Sonny," deadpanned Sarutobi, "I'll pay you five million ryu for the blueprints of your nut guard."

"You've seen a lot of good men disabled by a swift blow between the pipes haven't you."

"You have no idea."

"I've never understood why most men don't wear more armor there."

"Most of the time it doesn't work, it chafes or makes it to hard to move."

"I see." chuckled Sonny. "I'll let you borrow one of mine later to reverse engineer. Now, what rank would I be?"

"Full jonin."

"Alright then. I officially accept your offer Hakage-sama." finished Sonny with an air of seriousness. He then did a one-eighty asking "On a side note, can I sell you guys some more tech because I won't be able to do any missions and because I'm near broke?"

"Of course." chuckled Sarutobi. "Naruto, we're going to go over some legal issues now, so why don't you go over to Ichirakus's nd wait for us there? My treat. " he then handed Naruto a small stack of bills.

"Alright." answered Naruto. "I'll see you there."

As soon as Naruto shut the door, Sarutobi began to speak again. "Seeing as you are going to be a jonin, there are some things I have to tell you concerning Naruto and village secrets. Now, what do you know about the Nine Tail Fox?"

"Not much." answered Sonny. "Just that it attacked Konoha about eleven years and it was defeated by the Yondaime who died killing it."

"That's not the full truth. The Yondaime couldn't kill the Kyuubi, no one could. Instead, he sealed it a newborn child."

Sonny looked confused for a few seconds before he realized something. "You mean Naruto."

"Yes," sighed Sarutobi, "the Yondaime sealed the Kyuubi inside of Uzumaki Naruto."

"So that's why the villagers hate him so much!" exclaimed Sonny.

"You don't hate him?" asked Sarutobi.

"Sir," deadpanned Sonny, "I'm friends with various kami, demons, half-demons, half-beast peoples, spirits, a race of ball shaped people with limbs who can eat watermelons whole, giant gorillas, monkeys, an electric rodent, dragons, sea monsters, giants, elves, fairies, imps, turtles, sentient machines, a giant tiki head, a tree, fish people, the undead, rock golems, nobles, thieves, assassins, talking suits of armor that can walk on their own, royalty, fungus and plant people, killer birds, angels, psychics, and a giant talking blue penguin who sacked me when we first met with his oversized hammer. Not to mention I'm a freaking undead zombie. Do you really think having a massive demon fox stuck inside him is going to make me hate him?"

"A giant talking blue penguin?" asked Inu.

"I know." replied Sonny. "I had to pinch myself to make sure I wasn't dreaming. And no, I wasn't drunk or high on something. Not to mention I have an incredible tolerance to such things and can remove them from a person's body using a jutsu I made."

"Wait, so you can cure hangovers and addictions?" asked Sarutobi.

"Yeah, but don't tell anyone. It's kinda annoying having people come to me whenever they're hung over." answered Sonny.

"As long as you do so for me." replied Sarutobi and Inu at the same time.

"Now onto more serious business. Are you going to tell Naruto this?" inquired Sonny.

"I plan to tell him when he graduates and becomes a genin." answered Sarutobi.

"About that, Naruto for the life of him can't do the bunshin no jutsu. He's got the same problem I had when I was figuring out my own powers, he's got so much chakra that his chakra control, to be blunt, sucks so bad that if it was a creature, I'd have to put it down to be humanitarian."

'Hmm,' thought Sarutobi, 'having the Kyuubi must have expanded his chakra coils immensely. How to deal with this? Aha, I know exactly what to do.'

"Don't worry," replied Sarutobi, "I know a jutsu that Naruto can learn easily that should solve his bunshin problems, although I won't teach it to him until a month before the genin exams."

"Alright," sighed Sonny contently, "Now where exactly am I going to live?"

"I'll set you up in the same apartment complex as Naruto. There's plenty of space there."

"Anything else?"

"Nothing that can't wait until later. Let's go meet Naruto, I'm getting hungry myself."

"As long as you're paying."

Author's Notes: Another chapter done. Because I didn't specify any new characters, I can't disclaim any individual groups so I'll just say that I own none of them. The virtual cookie challenge this time is to identify the two kami counterparts earlier in the chapter. Remember, they are the manifestations of the creative spirit and destructive spirit. Hail the Log. LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOGGGGGGGGGGG!

Jutsu List

Kuchiyose no Jutsu - Summoning Technique - A to S Rank ninjutsu depending on the summon. The summoner signs a contract with a clan, allowing him to summon familiars from that clan. The handsigns are different for each contract. The familiar summoned is dependent on the amount of chakra put into the jutsu. If the name of a familiar is said at the end, that familiar will be summoned as long as enough chakra is used. The familiar will leave if dismissed, chooses to do so, runs out of chakra or is hit hard enough.

Kuchiyose no Jutsu: Sonny Kata - Summoning Technique: Sonny Style - A to S Rank ninjutsu depending on the summon. The version of the Summoning Technique used by Sonny. Instead of signing with the clan and being able to summon anyone of the clan, you create your own summoning contract and have each individual summon sign it themselves. Another difference is that the summon will not leave if it runs out of chakra or is hit hard. It will only leave if the summoner is killed or dismisses them. As such, they can be used for an indefinite amount of time and be killed in battle.

Bunshin no Jutsu - Clone Jutsu - E Rank Academy genjutsu. Creates illusion clones that move in the same direction as the user. They are not solid and cannot deal damage. They are dispelled if hit. Base for all clone techniques.