They say that when you're about to die your life flashes before you, but will your life flash before you if you don't want to see it? What if I hated my life, would there be a possibility of stopping that flashing moment? I'm about to die and the only thing that's going through my head is that I don't want to see my life before me. My life was a sick game that's about to be won by a blade. I had to suffer through it once, isn't that enough?
I was fine while Skyping with Selena, but as soon as I hit the end button reality hits me once again and I'm back to square one. All of this would be easier if I had Selena close to me. If she was next to me and if she held me through my waves of deep depression, I would be okay. I wanted to tell Selena to stay, to skip class and just talk to me but the words couldn't get out quickly enough and the call ended. Everything leaves my mind when I'm talking with her and for that hour we're on together, all I think of is Selena and Selena alone. What I don't understand is how my mood can change that quickly. How can I go from being one of the happiest people alive to being the person cutting herself so deep that she's hanging on the verge of life or death.
Maybe I should've gotten professional help a long time ago, but only one person seems to understand me. No one else has, no one else will so why even try to get a shrink to understand me. What do they know about how it feels to be me? They don't know. They don't know anything about how it feels to be me. They don't know how I feel when people look at my scars and walk away, they don't know how I feel when I hear the love of my life is going on a date with someone else, they don't know how I feel when I'm all alone at night crying. They just don't know and it takes too much emotion and effort to try to explain something that's unexplainable.
And that brings me full circle to why I did what I did. No one understands and cares about me. I could show them the scars, the blood, the tears but no one will ever understand why I do what I do or why I feel what I feel. I don't even talk to my parents anymore because they completely ruined my childhood and hate me anyway for loving a girl, and every person I meet ends up leaving when they discover my monsters. I don't even tell people about my past anymore. I just occasionally slip up and forget to keep my sleeves over my hands and my shirts ride up to expose my bloody, fresh, deep new scars. As soon as they see them they run for the hills and the last thing I'll ever hear from them is "You need help." It's so predictable now that when I know someone is about to leave, I leave them before they have the chance of hurting me.
I got off the Skype call and quickly found my blade. It wasn't hard to find because I have one stashed in each drawer, one in the medicine cabinet, one in my backpack, one..well you get the point. I have one everywhere in case I ever need it. I wasn't expecting to cut deep enough to kill me, just deep enough to numb me and let me forget everything. I put the metal to my skin and pushed down, hard. I let the blade slide over my other scars and leave its mark. It didn't even bleed until 10 minutes later, that's how deep it was. It was like my wrist had a new fault line and the blood started gushing, gushing, gushing out. Usually the bleeding stopped after 20 minutes but this time it didn't, and I knew I had cut too deep when I started getting dizzy and everything just went black.I'm probably unconscious right now and I don't know how long I'll be laying on this floor with my blood around me, but hopefully my roommate will come home soon and get me to a hospital or something. Or maybe I'll just die and everyone will be happier when I'm gone. But until she comes or I die, I'll just keep talking to distract me from these moments that have started flashing before me.
My roommates name is Dhyana. We have the stereotypical roommate relationship; I hate her, she hates me. We've probably tried to switch roommates 20 times each but housing is completely filled and we're stuck with each other until, hopefully, the end of the year. When we first met, I thought she was beautiful and funny and sweet, but a month into this living arrangement she'd come home drunk from parties, with other people, and be so loud at 2 am like I wasn't sleeping in the room next door. I confronted her about it and her response to the confrontation was to let other people sleep on my bed when I was gone for classes, and have me return to my pillows, sheets and comforter literally shredded into a million tiny pieces. Normally I wouldn't have gotten revenge but it was a $200 bed set that Selena had bought for me. We both have our own laundry detergent, and when Dhyana was gone for classes one day, I peed in a cup and poured it in her detergent. So while she thinks she's wearing clean clothes, she's actually wearing clothes that have been washed in my pee and that brings me a lot more joy then it probably should. I know it's really gross but she's such a bitch and I hate her with everything I have.
When Dhyana saw my cuts and scars for the first time, although I was really careful so she wouldn't see them, she told me that they were disgusting, I deserve them, and that she wished I would just kill myself so she would finally have the apartment to herself. Needless to say, that made me hate her even more and that's the number one reason why I put my pee in her laundry detergent. That night I left to go to a hotel and I stayed there for a week. I spent all those nights on Skype with Selena but all I would do was cry and she didn't know why. It was just be an hour of me crying and Selena comforting me and telling me she loved me. Those were the worst nights of my life, but they were the best, too because Selena poured her soul out to me about her feelings for me and it was the first time she had told me she loved me since our breakup.
I think someone just entered the apartment and although we hate each other, hopefully Dhyana will help me or something.
"HOLY SHIT! OH MY GOD, DHYANA COME HERE RIGHT NOW! YOUR ROOMMATE IS DEAD OR SOMETHING!" I'm not dead. Just help me, please.
"Ha! Good, it's about time! She probably killed herself." I can feel the darkness of two shadows looking over my body and I'm trying my hardest to move something so they know I'm not dead. I'm still alive.
"What the hell do we do? Oh my god, she's alive. She just moved her hand. We need to call 9-1-1 or something."
"Why? She's a bitch, just let her die. She probably did this for attention and probably wanted to die anyway so just give her what she wants."
"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS! YOU ALWAYS SHIT TALK HER BUT AS FAR AS I'VE SEEN SHE'S REALLY SWEET AND NICE AND SHE'S ABOUT TO DIE. IF YOU DON'T CALL THE POLICE THEN I WILL AND IF YOU DON'T THAT'S THE END OF OUR FRIENDSHIP. YOU DON'T JUST LET SOMEONE BLEED OUT TO DEATH BECAUSE YOU HATE THEM. YOU'RE SUCH A COLD, HEARTLESS BITCH!" Amen! I think I recognize the voice. I'm pretty sure it's Samantha. She has always been nice to me and I'm really pleased that she's standing up to Dhyana right now. She's always let Dhyana walk all over her.
"FINE, SAMANTHA! I'll go call the fucking police."
