Summary – Written for the CCOAC New Year's Resolution Challenge. Emily keeps a diary over a week period during her resolution, but she writes about much more than just that.
A loving dedication to the lovely ladies on Twitter, who have been very sweetly nagging me to get this next chapter up.
Warning – 18 and over only.
Day 6 –
4:33 AM – I'm awake early. On a Saturday. I blame Hotch. I had another weird dream. It was really vivid, too, which is kind of rare for me. I usually don't sleep deep enough to remember my entire dream when I wake up. I had this dream (if you can call it that) about how Hotch and I were running after someone but we couldn't catch whoever it was. He pulled me into this alleyway and told me to be quiet. I didn't know why I had to be silent, but I listened to him. All of a sudden, the alleyway started to get smaller and smaller, and Hotch pulled me really close and I SWEAR that I could smell his cologne. I felt like I was in Star Wars. But just at the part where the trash thing closed in on them. That was Star Wars, right? I'm not awake…
So out of nowhere, this cheeseburger appears, and the voice of God (what I'm assuming was God) rang out and said, "Eat the cheeseburger and live, don't and die." I wanted to eat the cheeseburger, but Hotch kept babbling on about how we'd break our resolutions and blah blah blah. I pulled away and said that I couldn't care less about that, that I didn't want him to die. After that, he let me eat the burger. When I was done, the walls kept coming in. I clung to Hotch again, and realized it was then or never. I kissed him like there was no tomorrow, like I had only seconds to live. He didn't kiss me back, though. I woke up mouthing my pillow.
Mouthing my pillow.
Can you imagine? It was really terrible. Even in my dreams he won't kiss me! He is making me lose sleep, he's not letting me eat what I want, and I'm about ready to see if JJ is a lesbian yet! I don't know how much longer I can conduct myself in professional manner around him. I want to put my arms around him and kiss the daylights out of him. I want to run my hands all over his chest, his arms, his forearms, his stomach, his thighs, his calves, his sure-to-be-beautiful penis.
Is that so much to ask for?
8:20 AM – This is torture. Hotch just called and wants to go to the gym early today. I'm hoping for a case simply because I don't know if I can handle seeing him in those shorts today. Can't he wear something that covers him a little better? One of those space suits, maybe? Okay, now I'm having images of weightless sex in space. This is going to be a long day…
Noon – Back at home for a little while. Apparently Hotch has schedule us for an interview in New York that I was not aware of. I'm kind of pissed about that. He tried to win me over with those tasty jerky sticks and a trip to our usual veggie burger place. I barely managed to keep my hands to myself today. I did fail on that a little bit. But it wasn't as if I grabbed him… Well, okay, I kind of did.
See, it happened when we were leaving the gym; he held the door for me and I just happened to brush past him. It wasn't my fault that he didn't hold the door all the way open! I accidently (well, maybe purposefully) tripped over the rug and caught myself on his arm. And then I may have leaned into him for support when he put his arm around me to help me get my footing. I also may have lied that I had rolled my ankle, which resulted in him helping me 'walk it off'.
What the hell is wrong with me? And what the hell is wrong with him? I wasn't the only one holding on a little longer than what they needed to. I'm really getting annoyed with this whole cat and mouse game that him and I have been playing for a long time. Why can't one of us just break down and confess? Or am I reading too much into his small touches? I know there was something more in his actions and his words the other night. I'm not in the BAU for nothing. I'm a damn good profiler and I long ago threw out the unspoken rule to not profile each other in regards to Hotch.
I know it isn't fair, but I don't give a damn. He does it to me all the time. Yes, he's naturally intuitive, as am I, but the things we notice about each other don't just come from a normal person's perspective. I feel like I'm describing us like we have super powers. Now I see why Garcia calls us crime-fighting superheroes. I'm going to have to stop picking at her about that…
Anyway! I know it isn't the best time to do it, but I'm going to say something to Hotch on the plane ride back after the interview with this asshole named Jerry Rauch. I'm decent enough to wait until after, rather than unloading all this crap on him just before going to do our job. How am I supposed to do this though? Do I come out and say, "Oh, hey, by the way, I love you."? I don't think that would go over very well. But that's the most direct way I can think of doing it. What if he doesn't feel anything close to the same way? It's times like these that I wish I had friends outside of the BAU that I could call. Not that I would, but just knowing I had the option would be comforting.
I can't procrastinate any longer. Wish me luck!
6:03 PM – I chickened out. I'm such a pussy! I had the perfect opportunity to do it, too! We talked about the guy the entire way to New York and the interview went really smoothly. Rauch was upfront and answered all the questions in as much detail as possible, which made my stomach turn a little when he talked about killing a few kids that had 'gotten in his way'. We were back on our way home within two hours of getting there. Hotch kept talking about going to dinner, but I kept trying to move the subject to something else that would allow me to ease into telling him how I felt.
But here I am, waiting for him to come pick me up so we can go to dinner and maybe a yoga class again. I told him I refused to do yoga after eating, but I'm sure he'll be able to talk me into it. I'm so worried that I'll carry these feelings around with me for the rest of my life and never tell him. I feel like that's the direction I'm taking right now. I feel like it's my only option unless he speaks up, even though I don't know how he feels. I'm starting to wonder if all these 'signs' are just in my head now.
I can't do this anymore. I can't play around. I'm almost forty-two, the longest relationship I've had was with a murderer, I have no children, and I live alone with a cat. Only the people who have been in this exact situation would ever understand how badly it hurts me. I'm not open about my feelings, I don't talk to anyone about how low I feel every time I walk through my front door and have no one to greet me but Sergio. I'm far from depressed but I'm further away from happy. I'm okay but I can't keep doing okay.
How hard is it to find someone who will just love me for me? Who wants to come home and see me? Who doesn't want to take me out to dinner, but wants to just sit inside in our pajamas and watch a movie? Why can't that be Hotch? Why is that so hard? Why do I have to love him? Why can't I just get over it and move on with my life? Not like I had many prospects or options before I fell for him, but… but I don't see anyone because of him. I'm waiting and I now realize that. But not anymore. I can't do this anymore. I can't have my heart jump out of my chest just for him to shove it back in there with a small smile and walk away from me.
I don't want to feel like this. I don't want to feel alone. I don't want to love him. I don't want to see him. I don't want to NOT see him. I don't know what to do with myself right now. I'm confused and hurt and it's all my own fault. I feel deflated. Yeah, that's a good word for it. Deflated.
Wow. That was a little dramatic, wasn't it? I feel a little better, though. I'm starting to realize that I'm a woman who is in love with a man that will either never reciprocate, or won't act on it for various reasons. I'm not going to push but I'm not going to wait anymore. The only thing I'm not sure how to do is let go. With Ian Doyle, I let go the second I hit American soil. It was hard and it was emotional, but I stopped being Lauren and became Emily again. But now I'm Emily and I can't just switch personalities like that with this.
It's almost seven now, and I need to go wash the running makeup from my face and suck up my feelings like the big girl that I am. I can do this. I can compartmentalize this just like I do with everything else. I'm Emily fucking Prentiss and this will not affect me for another minute. I can do this.
10:00 PM – I can't do this. I might be Emily fucking Prentiss, but I'm also just Emily. I'm Emily who is in love with her best friend. I know what I have to do. I know this isn't the hardest choice I've ever made, but it's right up there. I can't see Hotch anymore. After tomorrow is over, I'm cutting all ties with him. I'm going to do what everyone else on the team does. I'm going to view him as my boss and nothing more. I've dug my way out of bad situations and I'm going to do the same with this.
Tonight at dinner he talked about Jack a lot. He talked about how Jack asked about me earlier that day and wanted to know if maybe I'd like to see him sometime soon. To some that might seem like a step in the right direction, but I could read his face. He didn't mean for all of us to get together as this blossoming family unit, he meant that Jack missed me and Hotch wanted to give his son what he wanted. It hurts so much to know that I won't see Jack nearly as much, if at all, but it's probably for the best. Once Hotch finds a good woman it'll be an easy transition instead of confusing him by having me around as one of the few women in Hotch's life.
I used to never cry over things like this, but I find myself doing that a lot now. It isn't healthy for me. This is for my own good. I don't know how I'm going to tell Hotch that I don't want to see him outside of work anymore, but I'm going to do it. I'm not going to make promises to myself anymore only to break them. After tomorrow, I'm promising myself that I will get over my feelings for Aaron Hotchner. I'm promising myself that I'll stop this silly nonsense and work on cutting Hotch out of my personal life. Because even though it's not what I want, it's what I NEED.
That's odd. I think I just heard a knock on my door… That was a knock. I'm hoping with every fiber of my being that it isn't Aaron Hotchner…
A/N – Please take just a second out to review! Whether it be a smiley face or a million and five words, I appreciate every single review! Thank you!
