CHAPTER 3

As Light tried to sneak Misa up to his room unnoticed, both his mother and sister stopped him and he had to introduce his "girlfriend" to them and send his mom off to make tea for them. Light gritted his teeth in irritation. Would it be difficult to kill Misa discreetly now that family members had gotten a good look at her?

Well, she wouldn't have told her real name to Kira on the first meeting unless she was a complete idiot. So, she would be one girlfriend among the many he'd had, and once she was dead, as far as his family would know, he'd just stopped dating her. If they searched for a "Misa Amane" they wouldn't find a dead girl, or, if they did, it would be someone with the same name but an obviously different face. Light just needed to convince Misa to tell him her real name, and he could dispose of her easily, any way he wanted.

But then, he got a tremendous shock as they were climbing the stairs and Rem said, "Misa, I told you not to tell him your real name. Kira is dangerous."

Without any regard for them not being behind closed doors yet, Misa said, "Don't worry, Rem. I'm sure Kira is gentle with little girls."

Light spun around and hissed at her, "Be quiet! We need to stay safe."

Light's eyes darted down the stairway, and he was relieved to see nobody else within sight. Trying to put a sweet tone in his voice, he whispered, "I'm just concerned for both of us. Wait until we get to my room."

Misa nodded solemnly, and they went the rest of the way in silence. Light thought furiously all the way there. It seemed that "Misa Amane" really was her real name, and she was a total idiot, unless she was extremely smart and had set all this up in advance with her shinigami. But, either way, her shinigami was more cooperative than his own, and Rem sounded as if she cared about Misa. Having Misa's real name was good, having an idiot as the second Kira could be both bad and good, but having a protective shinigami was bad. Light needed to see how far this protective instinct went.

As soon as the door to Light's room closed, Misa confessed she'd fallen in love at first sight, she wanted to be used for any purpose Light saw fit, even if it killed her, and she wanted Light to hold on to her death note so she wouldn't get in trouble for having it.

Light endured her monologue with a fake smile on his face, all the time thinking, This girl is completely crazy.

Light knew she was useless in practically every way. She now had the discount shinigami eyes and could never get rid of them, so the only thing she could possibly do was to get him caught. Even if she gave up ownership and her memories, she'd keep her special vision and would probably blab about it to the investigators if they ever caught her. Misa was an idiotic ticking time bomb. Light knew he needed to kill her as fast as possible, but first he needed to test Rem's protective urges.

As soon as Light had placed both death notes out of reach, he had a long, serious talk with Misa about all the ways in which they'd need to be careful in order to not get caught. Specifically, not seeing each other at all or even phoning until after L's death. As Light had predicted, Misa threw a complete fit at the mention of not dating, throwing herself on the floor and screaming. It even attracted Light's mom to the room with the long-awaited tea.

Sachiko said, "Is everything alright in here?"

Light said, "Yes, Mom. Misa has fits like this all the time. It's a medical condition."

Sachiko nodded and withdrew from the room.

That's when Light launched his plan. He said, "Misa, didn't you say I could use you for anything, even if you died? Not dating until after L is dead is a measure to save both our lives. If you don't cooperate, I can kill you for it."

Rem was immediately standing over Light in a menacing way, saying, "Light Yagami, if you do that, I'll kill you."

Misa replied, "Even though it will kill you, Rem?"

Rem said, "Misa, you idiot! If you hadn't told him my weakness, I could have threatened him into the best course of action for you."

Misa pouted prettily and said, "Oh, Rem, I'm sure Kira is perfect in every way, so whatever he wants is best. Except not seeing me. That's unacceptable. Everything else is fine. Even if he decides to kill me right now."

Light said, "Rem, this is what Misa wants. She wants me to kill her right now, because she loves me and she's too stupid to not get caught."

Light leaned down, hugged Misa, and then looked directly in her face and said, "Isn't that right, my fluffy little snookums-princess?"

Misa leaned her head into Light's chest and let out a pleased cooing sound. She said, "That's right, Rem, I'm too stupid to avoid getting caught. Light should kill me right now, but you have to promise not to kill him afterwards, okay?"

Rem rolled her single eye, looked at Light and said, "Don't think for a moment I'll follow her wishes after she's dead. Misa is an idiot and nobody should ever follow her advice. Best of all, killing you after she's dead won't kill me, since I won't be extending her lifespan. If you betray me, I can kill you however I please."

Ryuk went into a tremendous giggling fit, and said, "Wow, you're in a bind now, Light. How are you going to get out of this one?"

Light said, "Rem, since you admit Misa's going to get caught, if you love her you really have no choice. You must kill L now."

Rem said, "No, since Misa's likely to get caught it would kill me to kill L now. The situation isn't yet critical enough for me to sacrifice my life. But I know you're a genius from all the information Misa looked up about you. You will think of a plan to kill L that will also save Misa."

Light narrowed his eyes as he looked at Rem. He really, really hated this monster. But, Rem was right, he was smart enough to defeat L even with the handicap Misa presented. The first thing was to control Misa's behavior. Then, there would be more time to figure out what to do about L.

Light looked down at the pretty, air-headed girl staring up at him, and said, "Misa, what you want most is me, right?"

Misa said, "Yes!"

Light said, "Then, if you got a lot of me tonight, you could wait two weeks so both of us don't die?"

Misa said, "How much of you?"

"I'll let you suck my cock."

"Weeeellllll..."

"Okay, okay. We'll have sex. But you won't get any more sex unless you wait two weeks to see me, got it?"

"Yes!"

In the next moment, Light was pushed to the ground and all the air was knocked out of his body, as Misa climbed on top of him and undressed him with such speed and skill that he wondered how often she'd done this before.

Light gasped, "You're not some kind of disease-ridden skanky whore, are you?"

Misa didn't answer, and in the next moment she had his length buried inside her and was riding him like a maniac, letting out what sounded like a stereotypical villain's laugh all the while. Light closed his eyes and tried to enjoy it, but he was really worried. Misa was incredibly dangerous, a worse threat than L, and she really did seem like a complete skank. There was something very creepy about her, with her stalker-obsession and her little-girl mannerisms combined with her dark gothic lolita outfit. Light was so worried that it was difficult to have his orgasm, and when he finally did, Misa rolled off of him, panting, with a very satisfied look on her face.

She giggled, farted, and then said, "Wow, Light. You're a great lover. You really last a long time."

Light traced a finger along Misa's naked thigh and said, "There's a lot more of that, if you'll hide away from me for two weeks. Otherwise, none at all. Will you be good?"

Misa half-closed her eyes, still looking blissfully stunned, and said, "Yes."

Light kissed the top of her head and said, "You'll go home now, because you want more of this."

Misa's eyes were glassy, and she didn't reply, but only hummed to herself happily as she dressed. Light thought she looked very satisfied, and he hoped that he'd successfully used Misa's greatest motivator to overpower her stupidity. Hopefully, the one was stronger than the other.

But, as Light watched Misa skip happily down the stairs and babble excitedly to Sayu and Sachiko about how she was now "very close" to Light, as if she wasn't even trying to hide the sex, he had his doubts. Then, Misa just had to stay for a little more tea, and go on and on about her amateur modeling career. Finally, Light was able to kick her out in the most polite way he could manage, but it still required firm hands on her shoulders actually pushing her to the door and a willingness to close the door while Misa was still talking.

Light's mother waited until a few moments after the door closed, and then said, "Light, are you sure Misa's... a nice girl?"

Light replied, "Sayu, Mom, can you not tell anyone about Misa? She's kind of a stalker rather than my real girlfriend, and since she's getting famous it could cause trouble for both of us if it gets out that she thinks I'm her boyfriend. You don't want the paparazzi camped outside our house, do you?"

Sayu said, "I was going to blackmail you into paying me to keep quiet, but I guess the paparazzi would suck, so I'll do it for free."

Light said, "Mom?"

Sachiko replied, "Yes, Light. I've always wanted your happiness, so I can stay quiet. But, if this girl is stalking you, you need to solve it soon."

Light giggled insanely and then said, "Oh, yeah, I'll solve it."

Then his hands flew to his mouth, covering it.

Did I say that out loud?

Sayu said, "Wow, Light, that was a really good Misa impression. You've got her giggle imitated perfectly, and she'd say it in that creepy way too!"

Light smiled and said, "That's what I was aiming for. When life brings us tough times, we've got to show some humor about it."

Light saw both his mother and sister smiling approvingly, though his mom still looked a little concerned. As Light ascended the stairs to his room, Ryuk said, "You know, Light, you're really lucky you're surrounded by idiots. Half your plans wouldn't work so well otherwise."

Light said nothing, but as soon as he locked the door to his room behind him, he said, "Ryuk, I've got two weeks to completely eliminate L as a threat. Maybe less if that airhead bimbo can't keep her promise despite the great sex I paid her with. But, I've got the perfect plan."

Ryuk said, "Amazing! So, what are you going to do?"

"Ryuk, have you seen L's penis? We've used campus bathrooms a few times together, but he always uses the stall. I think I've seen you go into the stall with him."

"Yeah, because it's so hilarious to see him use the toilet! He crouches on the seat in that stupid way of his, facing the wrong direction, regardless of whether he's doing number one or number two. It's one of the funniest things I've ever seen."

Light sat down on his bed and said, "Ryuk, what is the name of L's penis?"

Ryuk said, "Kenny G."

"Kenny G, like the musician?"

"Yes, spelled the same way and everything."

Light couldn't help but laugh a bit. What a freak! L was a tremendous freak in every imaginable way.

Ryuk said, "How does knowing the name of his penis help?"

Light said, "You don't understand how it is for humans. For a human male, there is something that's even worse than death: life without a penis. It's the perfect threat to hold over him. He'll have to obey me once I prove my power to him. This is the best thing that could have happened. I'll have L working on my side, forever."

Ryuk said, "But you've never seen his penis, so you can't visualize it while writing its name."

Light leaned backwards onto his elbows and gave out an insane cackle. He said, "I will see it, Ryuk. I will. From now on, my mission is to see L's penis. I'll prove to him that I can remove any body part I've seen by taking off his ears, and after I've seen his penis he'll be afraid to challenge me any more. Even better, he'll help me. It'll be Kira and L together, against the world, and L's penis will be the hostage."


A/N (Author's Note):

Well, Light is now on a mission to see L's penis. How will that work out?

I appreciate the many funny suggestions I got for the name of L's penis, and I selected yellowrose87's suggestion.

Soon, I'll introduce a bunch of canon minor characters: those who were in the background in the very few college scenes, people like Kyoko, the glasses-wearing girl who has a crush on L, Yasunaga, the captain of the tennis club, and some others who were unnamed but present in canon and have been named in some fanfictions (I'm copying the names of the unnamed ones, along with the last names of the ones without last names, such as Kyoko's best friend, from a great fanfic called "K is for Kyoko" written by limepickles. Go check it out! Isn't fanon great!).

Oh, and the way L uses the toilet is technically canon. It's from an official publication called "L File No. 15" that includes art, some comics, and a photo shoot related to the Japanese live-action movies. The same publication claims that L never showers or bathes and that he refuses to dress himself (Watari does it for him). I'm not sure if I want to accept that view of L's behavior as canon, but I couldn't resist using the toilet bit as part of crack fiction.