On arrival at Jim's main house George pulled up outside the front door and waited for Moran to get out. "Just go on in lad he'll be in tha first room on ya right." As Moran stepped into the front door, George sighed as he drove round the back to the garage.
Sebastian was silent the whole way to the main house. He didn't really have anything to say. He had so many questions, but didn't know the right way to word any of them.
He walked into the main house after George dropped him off in front. He carefully opened the door and walked inside. He looked around. 'First room on my left…or was it right?' he frowned and looked into the first room he passed. He saw a figure there, sitting in a wheelchair. He frowned, staring at the figure, trying to figure out what to do, what to say. "Jim…" he breathed after standing silently for what seemed like forever. He'd been waiting 3 whole months to see this man again, at least one last time. He had so much he needed to say.
His anger from earlier was boiling a bit to the surface, but right now, he had to keep himself calm, for this man. He needed this man, and getting angry right away wasn't going to help any.
Jim heard the front door open, but he didn't dare hope that Seb had returned with George. When he heard his voice though he had to fight the urge to spin the chair round to look at him instead digging his hands into his legs he steeled himself before answering. "Moran… if you've seen what you wanted… you can leave.. " Jim waited for what seemed forever and then he turned his chair round half expecting Seb to be gone, keep his face stern he looked up at Seb. God he looked as awful as Jim felt and it was all he could do to keep himself still and not move forward to Seb.
"So you finished gawking at the crippled freak who fucked up … the doors that way I won't keep you from your busy schedule. Oh I forget, you don't have one do you… can you even shoot a gun straight anymore or have you let that skill lapse as well. Really Moran, you really have let yourself go." Jim cringed at the words leaving his mouth and his right hand started to shake, grabbing it quickly with his left, he held it hoping that Seb hadn't noticed the tremor. Sighing he looked down then up at Seb again, trying to keep the mask in place. "Well Moran … What do you want?"
Sebastian glared at Jim as the words came pouring out. He had held himself back, why couldn't this foolish bastard hold himself back as well? He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself. "I'm not here to fight, Jim. I'm here to set you straight, idiot." he growled.
He stepped closer to Jim as he noticed the slight tremor in his right hand. "Jim…George is worried about you, and now I am too. I read that hospital letter…and your little notes. If that's why you did this…why couldn't you have just told me?" he asked, voice cracking. "You're all I had, you bloody bastard! All I had, and all that I cared for and you went and took it all away from me!" he hissed.
He buried his face in his hands, feeling the tears coming to his eyes again. He'd waited for a moment like this for 3 months, having hoped he would see Jim again. And now here they were, face to face and Sebastian still didn't have the right words to say to him. "You made me watch. You made me watch as you shot yourself…You made me watch and didn't even warn me! You promised me years ago that if we were to die, we'd die together, that's what you promised, remember?" he whispered, hands still hiding his face. "I…I thought you'd broken that promise then…" he added quietly. "And god I…I started seeing your face everywhere…I ended up turning myself in to an asylum for a while, but they couldn't help worth shit…I still say your face…And I just…I couldn't get rid of the nightmares…I haven't slept in 3 months, haven't eaten and kept my food down in 3 months…" he whispered.
Lifting his hand Jim rubbed at the scarring on the back of his head, as he looked up at Seb, he couldn't hold it together much longer. He had to get Seb gone before he fell apart. "Why do you think I did it… of course it was to get rid of this thing taking over my brain. It was a gamble I fucked up … is that what you wanted to hear… Well OK, I fucked up… I made a mistake, but I did it for you to release you, I let you go you should have moved on forgot about me not sat wallowing looking at faces thinking they were me. Even when it was me, you walked right on by you never noticed me watching you. You think I wanted this for you or me… you were meant to move on get free of me, make a new life not run back to the mess you were before. YOU WEREN'T MEANT TO DO THAT… I wanted you save you idiot. You were meant to be save." Taking a breath Jim looked down at his trembling right hand and frowned.
Murmuring Jim kept his head down. "You were meant to move on Seb.. I wasn't sure it would work, I really thought I would die and… and I.. I'm sorry, I wanted you to have a chance without me. You think I've eaten or slept without you… all I've done since I got out of the clinic is watch you, follow you around. I didn't want to die and I'm sorry I didn't tell you, but I didn't think it would work and I didn't want you to go with me in case it worked, then I'd have been alone without you. But I didn't know which way to go.. what was I meant to do… give you false hope or no hope." Looking up at Seb his mask finally fallen and his eyes filling up. "Tell me Seb, what should I have done?"
"You should have let me know…" he whispered. "Jim…at least I wouldn't think it was my fault…" he whispered. "I…I kept thinking…if only I had shot the detective, and let him fall that way…perhaps you wouldn't have had shot yourself to get him to fall…I kept thinking that it…it was my fault. That I had let you down…messed up…lost you…" he whispered, his voice barely above a whisper as his tears flooded down his cheeks silently. "Jim I…I never stopped thinking about what I could have done differently…if you had at least told me about it…I wouldn't…I wouldn't be so…so…" he was at a loss for words. His mind in a turmoil and his emotions running rampant. He didn't know what to say, what to think, what to feel. This was all so…wrong.
Sighing Jim looked back down at his hand, he couldn't look at Seb as he asked his next question, he couldn't see him reject him. "Will you come back..? or is it too late for that." Seeing Seb's tears Jim's chest tightened more and he gasped as the lump in his chest moved to his throat.
He couldn't stay still any longer he went to move his chair closer to Seb, but when his hand still wouldn't stop shaking he groaned in frustration as he tried to move the chair with only one hand. "Dammit, damn, damn, damn… I'm sorry Seb I fucked everything up.. I ruined it all"
"Jim no, shhh…" he whispered, seeing the frustration in Jim's face. He knelt beside him and held his shaking hand. "Jim…I promised you once, that I would always be there for you, that includes this. I will always be at your side, your weapon to use as you see fit. I am yours, and no one else's. Do you understand me?" he said, his voice conveying a strongness that he had not felt in months.
"You are not alone Jim, you are never alone, and don't you ever think that you are…" he added quietly, kissing the back on the broken man's hand. "I am always with you."
Threading his other hand into Seb's hair he whispered. "I'm sorry Seb, you know you're the only one… I'm sorry I didn't tell you… I didn't think it would work, but there was always a chance and I wanted you to be free, save in case it went wrong… I'm so sorry, I missed you so much… I'm so, so sorry. I need you, I need you with me again… You make me strong… only you… It's only ever been you."
"I'm sorry I ruined things… I'm so sorry…"
Sebastian smiled sadly up at Jim, pressing a kiss to his hand again. "Jim…you didn't ruin anything, you just scared me, is all." he whispered. "Don't ever push me away like this again, alright, please? I've…I've never been so afraid before." he added quietly, "You have no idea what it was like to watch you die…" he added, his voice cracking slightly, his eyes watering again. He buried his face carefully in Jim's lap. "Don't ever leave again…promise me you won't leave…not without me…"
"I won't I swear next time we go together, no matter what." Sliding his hand through Seb's hair he let out a small sob as he gripped tightly into his hair. Just then a small couch was heard by the door looking up Jim saw Doris and smiled at her. "It's time for your pills and for you to nap Jim love, do you want me to call George for you or will Sebastian here be taking you up?" Looking back down at Seb he murmured. "Will you help me Seb, please?"
… Not waiting for an answer he smiled back up at Doris. It's OK, why don't the two of you take off for the rest of the day, you've not had a break in months Seb will take care of me… you go have some fun." Smiling Doris turned to leave. "OK Jim love, nice to meet you Sebastian."
"And you ma'am." Sebastian said and smiled up at Jim. His Jim. He was his again at last. He couldn't help but let his anger wash away easily. "Medicine, then bed. I'll lay with you, if you'd allow me to." he whispered, standing and wheeling Jim out of the room they were in. "Which way?" he asked, looking around.
