Just a short piece.
Beware: light CSI bashing. I wrote this after JF and GE were fired and I was in a ranting mode. I toned it down.
(It's a quiet neighborhood. The houses are not exactly opulent, but they are well tended.
It's barely four O'clock in the morning and there's nobody outside… except for one person walking down the street.)
FFWriter: (eagerly looking at each house, hoping to find the address on time) "Damn, damn, I've only got half an hour-"
(She thinks she's located the house she's looking for and approaches it. There's a van parked in front of 'her' house and she hears voices coming out.)
Male voice: "…or we could pour some fake saliva in her juice. She drinks it straight from the carton, you know."
Female voice: (chuckling uneasily) "Oh, you're so evil, Danny!"
Male voice: "It would teach her a lesson-"
Female voice: (yawns) "What time is it?"
Male voice: "Huum… four-fifteen." (Yawns) "I don't appreciate this, you know. I'm a senior writer. I shouldn't have to do this."
Female voice: "Think of it as a way of securing your job for a couple of years. If Stokes gets to his meeting on time, people will assume he'll be on time on the job too."
(The FF writer hopes that these people are part of the team that produces CSI and taps on their window)
FF writer: "Hey, you in there. May I talk to you?"
Female voice: (scared) "Sheeeet! Who the hell are you?"
Male voice: (aggressively) "Hey, you out there, get your hands off the car!"
F.F.WRITER (lifting her hands, so they see she's unarmed) "Whoa, relax, I'm here to help!"
(The window is lowered and the FF writer sees a man and a woman sitting at the front. Both have pots and pans on their laps, and they are clutching wooden spoons in their hands. Now, this is weird, isn't it?)
MAN: (practicing the dialogue he wrote for Brass) "Who are you? And you better start talking, lady-"
F.F.WRITER (quickly) "I'm here to help Nick Stokes keep his appointment with the sheriff."
WOMAN: (skeptically) "Really? And how are you gonna accomplish that?"
F.F.WRITER "I'll wake him up at four-forty five by knocking on his door."
MAN: "Ha! If you can wake him up just by knocking on his door, you'll have my undying respect. You will accomplish what no alarm clock has. He's a heavy sleeper, you know." (sarcastically) "That is, if you believe his story, wink, wink."
F.F. WRITER: "Well, I believe it. And I'll do my best." (Looks curiously at them) "What about you? What are those pots and pans for?"
WOMAN: (lifting her wooden spoons and mimicking a drum roll on the nearest pot) "Well, how do you suppose we're going to wake him up?"
FF. WRITER: "Oh, wow, I can't believe it! You're planning to spook the poor guy with all that noise?"
MAN: "Hey, we've got to make sure he gets his job back! I'm sure the fans will appreciate it!"
F.F. WRITER: "Oh. As long as it's not a practical joke or something like that. Because I heard something about fake saliva…Is that some practical joke you're going to play on Sara?"
MAN: "It's either the fake saliva or the sheets from the motel" (To WOMAN) "You know what sheets I'm talking about-"
WOMAN: "The ones with the dried stuff-? Oh, yuck, Danny, don't do that!"
F.F. WRITER: "But I thought she wasn't coming back. Didn't she get a job at the FBI?"
MAN: "Are you kidding? What was the FBI going to do with a professional and focused girl like her? The bosses thought she was angling for their jobs, and her colleagues just didn't like her 'I-have-no-time-for-gossip' style. They ganged up on her and fired her."
F.F. WRITER: "Oh, poor girl!"
WOMAN: "Nah, she's happy to be back at CSI. Happy and lucky; she's got her job back while Nick's is still on the balance. Which reminds me-"
MAN: (rolling eyes) "Oh, don't start-"
WOMAN: "Hey, it is suspicious, that's all I'm saying!"
F.F.WRITER: (curious) "What is it?"
MAN: "She thinks that Sara convinced Nick to quit along with her, just to get back at him for the whole 'promotion' thing."
F.F. WRITER: "Oh, come on, that's preposterous!"
WOMAN: "Is it? Who's still sweating bullets over his job? Not her." (Looks at MAN) "And don't pretend you're defending her. You're the one plotting all these revenge practical jokes!"
MAN: "Hey, that's a different issue! I am pissed off at them, I just don't believe in conspiracy theories-"
F.F. WRITER: "But if they are back at work, why are you pissed off?"
MAN: "Because they've done a lot of damage to the show. In the first place, we've been out of work for a week-"
F.F. WRITER: "So? It's only a week-"
MAN: (mockingly) " 'only a week' you say? Well, in only a week, Grissom got back all the weight he lost during the summer! He was so worried –and pissed off- about this whole situation, that he just went overboard. It was ugly, I can tell you: fried banana and red ant sandwiches, chocolate covered crickets, syrupy larvae- (shakes his head)
WOMAN: "He's afraid that working conditions and friendships are irreparably damaged. Besides, the Mayor is so happy with the success of the other CSI labs that he won't mind if the public abandons CSI in favor of the creepy Trump. Grissom knows that if we lose the public's interest the Major will simply close the lab and save money."
MAN: "Poor Grissom. After all his hard work on the show… AND all his work at the Gym-" (glares at the FF Writer) "So, you see, a lot of things can happen in a week. For instance, Catherine won the weight lifting competition and we missed the chance to film it!"
F.F. WRITER: "Catherine? Catherine and not Warrick?"
MAN: "Oh. Er…I didn't tell Warrick about the competition. I assumed that, as always, it should be Catherine under the spotlight. But, hey, she came through!"
WOMAN: "Besides, Warrick was busy taking macramé lessons to curve his gambling cravings… Poor guy couldn't take the idleness."
MAN: "He couldn't take all the questions about how much money he makes and why he hasn't supported Nick and Sara."
WOMAN: "Others simply assume he was getting so much money he didn't need a raise. Now the public thinks they are ALL getting huge amounts of money-"
MAN: "And we all know that the public hates money grabbing divas."
F.F. WRITER: (skeptically) "So, why do they flock to watch Trump?"
MAN: "Oh, well, that's different. The public loves the mean 'you're-fired-you-can't sing' attitude of Trump and that guy from American Idol."
WOMAN: "I keep asking Grissom to do that on the show; it's a pity that integrity is so important to him. But if he listened to me, ratings would go through the roof! Can you imagine him telling a suspect," (in a British accent) " 'You were unbelievably inept. Your attempt at hiding the evidence was atrocious, simply atrocious.' "
MAN: "Or 'Hodges, you're fired.'"
F.F. WRITER: (laughing hard just to ingratiate herself to these two) "Ha, ha. Or he could say, 'Catherine, that outfit makes you look like a cheap singer in a second rate cabaret!' He, he, he."
(Both MAN and WOMAN look at her with a stony silence)
F.F. WRITER: (apologetically) "Hey, I know my British accent is bad, but-"
MAN: (coldly) "Look, Catherine's our friend and we don't tolerate any bashing-"
WOMAN: (quickly, before MAN turns violent) "And it was Nick and Sara we were discussing. Bottom line is, the public hates it when TV people ask for raises-"
F.F. WRITER: "Oh, but they are always forgiven in the end, don't they? I mean, look at the guys from Friends"
MAN: "Oh, but they did all the right moves. They used every cliché in the book and the public loved them for it. I mean, all that 'Ross or Joey', 'Ross or Joey' dilemma was stupid but not only did it fill hours of broadcast, people loved it."
WOMAN: "To say nothing of that 'who's the baby's father?' story line and the birth itself. The public loves to see birth scenes; they crave all that mushy stuff that just doesn't exist in our show."
F.F. WRITER: (eyes shining as she dreams of Grissom and Sara holding a baby after a full hour of clichés) "Well, there you go. Talk to the cast. Maybe they'll do it for the show-"
MAN and WOMAN, (looking at each other): "Oh, boy, do you think she-? Oh, that would be so cool!"
MAN: "We could get the guys from wardrobe to come up with great outfits…We could build a whole show around the choosing of the name-"
WOMAN: (nodding happily) "The baby's and the father's! Oh, the public will love it, love it, love it!!"
MAN: (eyes shining) "Catherine will look soooo beautiful-"
F.F. WRITER: (Screams) "Aaaargh! CATHERINE? Why her? Why is it always her? Damn, damn!"
MAN: (mystified) "Who did you think we were talking about?"
F.F. WRITER: "Sara! Duh! She has the right age at least! And she and Grissom might get together-"
WOMAN: "Whoa, she and Grissom? Oh, no. Believe me, people wouldn't like that."
F.F. WRITER: "What are you talking about? They love that couple."
WOMAN: "Sure, as long as they keep it out of the bedroom. It's the Scully-Mulder-pure-love syndrome."
Before the F.F. WRITER can plead her cause, someone approaches them.
GREG: (cautiously) "Hum, excuse me?" (Recognizes MAN and WOMAN in the car) "Guys? What are you doing here?"
MAN: "Oh, hi, Sanders. What are you doing here?"
GREG: "What do you mean? I live here."
MAN: "What? YOU live here? But isn't this Nick's home?"
GREG: "It was, but he sold it to me last April. He said he'd be able to afford something bigger by July-"
MAN, WOMAN and FF WRITER (realizing that something awful has just happened): "Uh, Oh."
Note: (Relax. Nick woke up on time thanks to the Mariachi Band that a thoughtful Catherine sent to his new home to serenade him.
Yeah. Catherine. Damn! Why is it always her????)
THE END.
