(Point of View: Katniss)

The clatter of metal on wood made me nearly jump out of the rocking chair. I heard Greasy Sae pick up whatever kitchen utensil she'd dropped. It was too late for my mind not to go somewhere else though. It flashed to the explosion that killed Boggs. My insides contracted a visceral reaction to the memory of that terrible day. The blood, my commander dying in front of me, the fear; everything was there again. I put my hand on my head and let out of tiny whimper. I felt nauseous and my head ached. Greasy Sae's grand-daughter brought her ball of yarn over and crawled into my lap. She was good at comforting me. I didn't really understand how she knew when I needed comforting the most. Nobody else seemed to notice.

My name is Katniss Everdeen. I'm 18 years old. I won the Hunger Games. I escaped another Hunger Games. I helped to accomplish a revolution. I just want to die. I can't figure out when and how to die. If I do nothing, I will probably die anyway.

I motioned for Greasy Sae's grand-daughter to get up. I needed to go to the bathroom. She obliged. Going to the bathroom was about as far as I walked most days. There was nowhere worth walking. I realized how little I must be drinking during my trip to the bathroom. Little intake means little output. Oh, well, dehydration was not as bad of a way to die as I thought it was during the first Hunger Games. Maybe I should try to stop drinking altogether. I slowly made it back to the rocking chair, holding the wall as I went.

Suddenly I thought of Peeta. People and places invaded my mind these days so often. Perhaps it was because I just sat in this rocking chair with so little distraction. Perhaps it was because I'd been thinking of the first Hunger Games. I thought of the cave. I thought of how Peeta's memories had been robbed of him. He didn't remember that meaningful kiss there. At least, he didn't remember it correctly. I wondered if he remembered being so sick…the blood poisoning. He probably did remember that. It seemed the Capitol just made the good memories bad and left the bad ones alone.

I still remembered everything about the cave though. It was there that I first became truly confused by my feelings for Peeta. Now I knew that confusion was the beginning of love. It didn't matter though. Nothing mattered now. Still, I took a deep breath as I remembered that kiss in the cave. It was the one that made me want another. So, imagination, I took another. I kissed Peeta over and over. I encouraged him to lay down on the cave floor by gently pushing his body downwards. He had a surprised look in his eyes when I was able to glance at them between kisses. He deepened the kisses and began running his hands up and down my back. I ran my hands over Peeta's chest and his shoulders. In my mind there were no cameras. There was only the two of us. I shifted my weight so our bodies were even closer together…so close...

"Sae! What's for breakfast today?" Haymitch said loudly as he walked into the kitchen. Had he even knocked? Oh, well. It didn't matter. He'd been coming over every day for several days now. He was revoltingly cheerful. It was very un-Haymitch-like.

"Hi, Sweetheart," Haymitch said as he turned toward me.

I didn't look at him. I just stared at the fire. He patted my hand where it showed out from under the blanket. It was a small gesture. One that was unwanted. I felt that I was going to cry though, but my eyes were so dry. Stupid Haymitch! I thought. Why didn't he just leave me alone? I didn't want to feel anything…nothing except the few things that still gave me brief pleasure before they numbed me. Haymitch's meager attempts to care for me were not among them! I wanted to yell at him. I took a deep breath and prepared to use explatives I'd only heard in the Capitol. I couldn't get my mouth to work though. My tongue seemed to stick to the roof of my mouth. I thought, I've felt this way before sometime.

"Katniss, why don't you let Sae help you take a bath? You'd feel better," Haymitch said. He was still touching my hand.

I kept my eyes closed. In my mind, I went back to the cave and started over again. I felt the kiss that made me want another. I kissed Peeta over and over again. I put my hand on his shoulder and pushed it slightly downward until he realized that I wanted him to lay down on the cave floor. I saw the surprise in his eyes. I felt his kisses deepen. I felt his hands all over my back – up and down. I felt my hands run across the fabric of the jacket that covered his chest and shoulders. I shifted my weight so I was ever closer to him. I wanted to be so close to him that we were inseparable. Peeta rested his hand on the small of my back. I felt warmth all over my body, but then a coldness crept in. I felt Peeta leaving me. His body was still there, but his spirit seemed to move away.

This is my fantasy, I thought, why can't I control it?

I tried to call Peeta's name.

Then I thought, maybe it is me who is leaving Peeta.

"Katniss. We're going to take you upstairs, OK?" I heard Haymitch say. I felt arms around me. I felt a sensation of being lifted. Maybe I was flying.

(Haymitch's POV)

Katniss looked weaker that day. I could tell as soon as I walked into the house. Sae said she hadn't eaten anything but a little broth in days. I knew Sae is trying, but I wished she was more aggressive sometimes. Katniss surely wasn't going to respond to me telling her what to do though. Honestly, the simple-minded girl of Sae's seemed to be the person Katniss responded to the most then. I wished that the girl could talk.

Maybe if she could talk then she could convince Katniss to eat, I thought.

It was unnerving when Katniss passed out right in front of me. Katniss wasn't even standing up. She was sitting down! That's not usually how it happens if you aren't drinking. When I picked Katniss up to take her upstairs to her bed, she was so much lighter than I anticipated that I almost lost my balance. I couldn't help but notice the bones I could see when I pulled the covers up to her shoulders. She was dirty too. Sae said she won't let anyone touch her. I called the doctor. He said Katniss was starving and dehydrated which was hardly worth the fee I paid him to see her. Then he started an IV to rehydrate Katniss. The fluid slowly dripped in while I held her hand.

Since Katniss was unconscious, Sae was able to bathe her. It wasn't easy to do in bed though, and Sae was a very old woman. She had trouble moving Katniss. So I had to help her. Katniss would have been mortified to have me helping with something like this, but it was important. She had scars from the burns and the surgery she'd had. That wan't what worried me though. The girl's ribs and bones showed everywhere. She looked much worse without clothes. I didn't even think of it as seeing someone naked. It was more like seeing a skeleton with skin. I wondered if this bath would be the one before her funeral. My heart sank. I needed a drink. We dressed Katniss in a clean white nightgown. It took a long time for her to wake up, but when she did she tore out the IV immediately.

I knew what the Hunger Games had done to me, but I guess I always thought that Katniss was different. Maybe it was being the Mockingjay that reduced her to what she had become. Maybe. I did know one thing for sure, if Katniss died, I'd never forgive myself for my part in thrusting that Mockingjay role on her. Perhaps the world was better off for it, but Katniss was destroyed. For me, that would never seem like a fair trade. To add to all of this, Peeta was on his way home. Dr. Aurelius said he wanted to see Katniss. I wondered what seeing Katniss like this would do to him. I really needed a drink.