Schala—Bone Village
It was cute how they both watched over me, Reno and Rude. Especially Reno. He had some serious big-brother thing going on inside. He wouldn't let me out of his sight.
After I made it through that first night he slept in my room I felt much more at ease with him. I tried to override the reflexive tension that flooded my body when he was training me in unarmed combat and had to touch me. He didn't snap at me when I couldn't loosen in his grasp, just gently shook my limbs until I could release enough to be pliable.
He tried to argue me into leaving Kalm that next morning, but I pointed out we'd just have to come back later, and better to get it over with. He clearly wasn't happy but consented. I felt glad he didn't seek to control my part of this mission. As grateful as I was for his protection, I would have abandoned it in a heartbeat if he told me what to do beyond the bounds of that protection.
When I turned off the shower on the morning we woke in Bone Village I heard him whistling. He whistles like a goddamn bird. I stood there, dripping, openmouthed, and just listened.
"Are you gonna take all day in there?" he called, interrupting himself. "Jeez, women!"
I grinned and dried off. It blazed through my mind for a moment that I could walk out stark naked and, if only for a moment, wipe that smirk off his face and see genuine surprise. I let the tempting idea go as I dressed. 'Why not?' and 'anything goes' had long since lost their charm from when I first let my hair down and stopped trying to live up to expectations.
I also overrode the temptation to tell him I liked him whistling. His ego didn't need stroking and I didn't need him showing off by whistling every moment of the day like he might if I said anything. Enjoying those few moments was enough.
Deceptively bright sunlight failed to warm me this far north. I healed the archaeologists and munitions officers stricken with Geostigma as well as chronic injuries and mis-healed limbs. The cold grew worse despite it being the relatively warmest part of the day. A cold wind blew right through me as I tried to rise, shuddering, from the pallet of a young woman.
I sank back to my knees, wincing.
"Need a hand?" said Rude, offering one.
I shook my head, took a deep breath and managed to gain my feet.
"What's wrong?" said Reno.
"Nothing," I said peevishly, and stepped out into even more brutal cold. I curled tighter over my frozen core.
"Take a break, if you need one," said Reno.
I shook my head. "I want to get this over with and get out of here," I muttered.
After the last three patients, I was shaking so bad I could not walk. I leaned on a wall, unwilling to move even though the monstrous wind slithered along the building.
"Are you cold?" said Reno.
I nodded.
"Damn, why didn't you say so? Here." He whipped off his jacket and brought it around in front of my face. I recoiled from his grin. Something about this was all too much. Bad enough I needed his protection and his teaching. I didn't want his body warmth and clothing. The idea made my skin crawl with apprehension.
"I'm fine," I said through grinned teeth.
He snorted. "Yeah right. Come on, it's gonna be even colder in the next town. They don't call it 'Icicle Inn' for nothing, you know."
I scowled and took the jacket, struggling into it. "Doing what I do makes me cold," I said defensively. "The more I do it, the colder I get."
"Damn, you're gonna be screwed when we get to Midgar!" said Reno. "I'll call ahead now and tell them to start making more blankets." I glared at him and he had the audacity to laugh.
"You think this is easy? You do it, then," I snapped, wrapping his jacket tight around me and heading for the path back to the chopper.
"Hey, whoa, calm down," he said, trotting after me. "I'm not making fun of you."
"Yes, you are," I growled.
"Look, I know this isn't easy," he said. "I'm trying to make it less of a drag, okay? Don't get your feathers in a ruff."
Rude wisely held his tongue throughout this.
"I don't need you as much as you think I do," I said. "You may be hot shit, but I got along just fine before I met you."
"Oh, right," Reno snorted. "Except for that little problem with people trying to rape you."
"They never succeeded!" I snapped.
"Really? 'Cause they came pretty damn close in Kalm! If I hadn't gotten there in time I doubt you'd still have that spotless record!"
I stopped and rounded on him. "That doesn't make you better than me! No matter how many types of awesome you think you are, I can still do something you can't!"
"So what? I don't want to do what you do! I'm quite happy with who I am, thank you very much!"
"That's abundantly clear!"
He suddenly turned condescending and paternal. "I'm no stranger to jealousy, you know. I don't blame you for envying my fighting skill."
That supercilious sneer was too much. I hauled off and punched him. He reeled, gaping, and I got to see that desired shock on his face. I felt pretty shocked myself, fist stinging, that I'd been able to land a punch. He really must have thought me defenseless. He reached up to his cheek.
I felt guilty, but still angry, and breathed hard through my nose.
"You wanna do this?" he said, tossing aside his Electro-Mag Rod. "Fine. Let's do this. Come at me." He planted his feet.
I didn't want to do it, but I'd come too far. I figured this was it, my chance to get some of my own back. I flung off his jacket and squared my shoulders. He just stood there, waiting.
"Come at me, I said!" he snarled.
I raked my eyes down him, broadcasting disdain. I'd seen it often enough growing up I knew just how to play it. "You're not worth it." I turned as if to walk away. I heard him move behind me. I ducked and spun just as he reached me, catching him with an elbow to the ribs. The air rushed out of him in a stuttering gasp. I slammed my fist up into his chin. He grappled me and bore me to the ground, rolling me under him. He pinned me, glaring down at me.
I spat in his eye. He reeled, incensed.
"If you were wearing your sunglasses over your eyes like a normal person, like Rude, instead of up on your head, that wouldn't have worked!" I snapped.
His eyebrows lifted, and he went from enraged to surprised. "…What?" He sat back on his heels, still straddling me, and reached up to wipe his eye. He laughed in disbelief. "What did you say?"
"I said, get off me before I knee you in the balls," I said.
"I'd like to see you try!" he taunted.
Two seconds later, he was rolling on the ground, howling. I sat crosslegged beside him, brushing dirt off the back of my purple shirt.
"I told you: I've never been raped," I said. "Men who think they're in control notoriously leave one spot vulnerable." I reached out and laid a hand on his chest. I felt a rush of cold shock through me. I bent my head, shuddering as healing poured out of me into him. His gasps of pain faded. He lay breathing on the ground. I pulled back into myself, shivering.
Rude strode up to us. "If you kids are finished, I'd like to get out of here before next week."
"Why, got a hot date?" teased Reno, rolling up to his feet with practiced ease. "C'mon, Scha." He reached down to me. I glanced up at him and saw him grinning, no hint of malice on his face. I struggled to stand on my own.
"Oh, jeez, really? Still?" He sighed and strode over to snatch up his jacket, then hurled it at me with all the dirt it had accrued. I growled and wiped off my face. He strode off down the path, leaving me with it. I was too cold not to put it on. I felt ashamed and weak.
Rude and Reno were bantering again as I seethed and shivered. When we reached the helicopter, rather than climb up front Reno entered the cabin with me. I leaned away as he sat down next to me and fastened his straps. Engines whined to life. Ground dropped away. Reno shifted closer to me and put an arm around me. I tensed, trying to pull away. He reached up, pulled the headphone from my ear, and pushed his lips in its place.
"I hate needing help too," he said. "It's okay. We're a team. I know I'm not better than you. I'm not worse either." He let go, and the headphone thocked back over my ear. I unclenched my muscles as much as I could and shut my eyes, letting him hold me and rub my arms to keep me warm.
Oh, no… I thought as the dismay of realization hit me. That's why I'm angry. I'm afraid. I tingled at the pressure of his touch. I'm not resisting the embrace—I'm resisting leaning into him.
Reno—Icicle Inn
I'd gotten Schala all the blankets I could harass out of the inn staff. It was too bad everyone else there craved them too, buried in snow. We got there early enough she could still heal several of the town's sickest, but night falls early in the far north. Maybe that was for the best. She looked awful when we rolled in to settle for the night.
I'm not mad about the cold, but I wasn't going through what she was. As I fell asleep my memory drifted over that familiar stricken look over her face at the end of each healing session. It had looked like pain more than weariness. That's what it was, too: unbearably painful cold.
"Reno."
I roused at her gentle whisper, tangled in sheets and dreams. "Mmph?"
"Please, can I crawl in? I can't get warm."
"Mmmsure." I shifted, sleepily trying to tug the covers back. My effort didn't matter. She was motivated. I felt her burrowing in and let unconsciousness roll back over me.
In the morning I woke at first icy blue light, my eyes slamming open. She was curled around my bare torso, her arms folded behind me, legs twisted with mine, head dipped to my chest. I breathed out, not daring to look down at her.
I don't wake up with women. Not since I was young and stupid, before I realized that sacking out with girls after sex gave them the impression that they had some kind of hold over you. The only way to get free of the post-coital spiderweb before getting stuck was to dress and leave as quickly as possible.
I had an arsenal of well-rehearsed excuses. I had my routine down pat. The earlier in the day I could seduce, the better, because then it was always, 'I have to get back to work, doll, call you later,' forehead kiss and exit.
I felt trapped, ensnared. Every part of me screamed, Wrong! I couldn't even form coherent thought under the weight of panic.
I bit my lip, trying to ease her sleep-heavy arms from around me and disentangle us. I crawled out of bed into the icy slap of the chill air. I went for my clothes and distracted myself with dressing, my back to her.
Once fully clothed I glanced back. She slept soundly. I strode silently to the window and looked out at a blank little town half-buried in a snowdrift as she was buried in covers. I leaned my head against the wall. The glass radiated cold on my forehead.
What the fuck is wrong with me? I wondered. She's too fucking complicated. I hate what she's doing to me.
I went downstairs for a surly cup of tea as soon as the bar opened. I watched the milk swirl and turn everything opaque. Someone sat down across from me. I didn't even have to look up, chin in my hand.
"I can't wait until this fucking mission is over," I said.
Rude sipped his tea.
I looked up at him. "What?" I said.
He shook his head, eyes invisible behind those shades, as pointless in the dim room as mine were on my forehead in the bright sun.
"Don't roll your eyes at me," I snarled. "It's too early in the day for this."
"Turned you down, did she?" he said.
"No!" I yelled. My face flushed as I realized we weren't alone in the room, and everyone had turned to look at me. I glared daggers at a grey-haired woman at the next table. She stared pointedly into her granola. I relented, drinking my tea, aware of Rude's gaze on me despite the glasses.
"Man, you are losin' it," he said.
"I know," I muttered. "I hate her."
"Hmm," he said.
I sharpened my gaze on him. "What's that supposed to mean?"
"It means 'shut up.'"
I laughed. "Ohhh! I've been wondering about that bit of Rude-code for years, man! You should've just said!"
"Hmm." He leaned his head forward, peering over the top of his sunglasses at me with the 'don't-push-it' look. I settled back in my chair, grateful for the distraction. Our silence became companionable, my anger defused.
After breakfast I felt good enough to go back upstairs for a bracing hot shower and to restore my hair to its proper awesomeness. I reached for the handle of the door and it popped open, Schala standing there, wrapped in a quilt. She looked up at me, startled. A smile burst out of her.
I almost fell against the doorframe, struck to the core by that look of happiness I'd inspired.
"Good morning," she said. "Thank you for keeping me warm. I couldn't have gotten through the night without you."
I manufactured a smirk. "Of course you couldn't," I said, trying to be suave and coming off awkward and lame. She didn't even seem to notice. She squeezed past me into the hall and headed for the stairs.
I turned to watch her go, something tugging in me like she'd gotten a hook in my ribs and was pulling me after her. Her praise should have had me preening. Instead it had undone me.
I hate you… I tried to think, but my heart wasn't in it. My heart was MIA. So it was more like: I hate you…?
