'Cause I
don't know you anymore
I don't
recognize this place
The
picture frames have changed and so has your name
We don't
talk much anymore
We keep
running from these sentences
But what I
wouldn't give to see your face again
II know I
let you down
Again and
again
I know I
never really treated you right
I've
paid the price
I'm
still paying for it everyday.
I Don't Know You Anymore, Savage Garden
Anna didn't reply for a few seconds, somewhat confused with this new detail Maggie shed light to. "Cecelia? Okay, now you've completely lost me. How does she fit into all of this?"
"I'm going to make us some tea," Maggie got up from the couch. "We're in for a really long talk."
"Okay," Anna replied, still a bit bewildered as she watched the younger woman go into the kitchen. 'Cecelia?' she mouthed the name silently. Bringing a hand to her forehead, she finally understood what Maggie meant. "Oh, dear, this really is quite the predicament," whispered the words softly as she waited for Maggie to return.
--
Bianca walked down the steps with her coat in hand. Jack met her at the bottom, having just finished some work and was now heading upstairs in preparation for bed. Smiling, Bianca got up on her toes and pressed a kiss to her uncle's cheek.
"Miranda is all tucked in and sound asleep," she said, slipping on her coat.
"Going somewhere?" Jack asked.
"Yeah," Bianca half smiled. "With everything that's going on, I think I need a night to myself and possibly have a little bit of fun."
"Fun, what a concept," smiling back at her. "Well, you go and enjoy yourself. Don't worry about Miranda. She's in good hands."
"Thank you, Uncle Jack."
"Anytime."
After a short drive, Bianca entered ConFusion, the atmosphere completely different from this afternoon. Instead of an empty club, she stared out at the throngs of people, most if not all of them with drinks in their hands and soaking up the lively ambience. Walking down the steps, she found herself lost amongst the crowd, reminded this was a night to forget all worries and to have fun.
"Bianca!" yelled someone in the near distance.
The brunette turned around, recognizing the voice calling out her name. Hearing it again, she pinpointed its direction, locating Erin Lavery who was standing in a far corner of the club. Bianca began weaving her way through the crowd, face filled with delight upon reaching Erin.
"Wow," Bianca looked around ConFusion, impressed her surroundings while feeling a sense of pride that this was partly her sister's doing. Never in her life did she perceive Kendall to become such a successful entrepreneur but with the accomplishment of Fusion and now the club she was standing in, it reinforced the belief that anything was possible. "This place is amazing."
"You think so?" Erin asked as she ushered Bianca to one of the leather couches situated in the corner of the room.
Bianca nodded. "Oh yeah, definitely. It's quite a departure from Sounds of Salsa, but I guess you could say it's a step up in a way."
"Sounds of Salsa?"
"S.O.S for short," Bianca replied, recalling the club that Mateo Santos' once owned. She sat down next to Erin, removing her coat and draping it over the back of the couch.
Erin raised an eyebrow. "I think Ryan mentioned the place once or twice. Anyhow, can I get you something to drink? A martini, maybe some wine?"
"Wine sounds good."
"Okay, I'll be right back."
--
Maggie came back into the living room carrying a tray with two steaming cups of tea. After setting the tray down, she slowly lifted one of the cups and handed it to Anna and then took hold of hers. She sat down on the couch, same spot as before and sipped cautiously.
They were quiet for a few moments, unsure who should speak first.
"Things were going great, just like I said before," Maggie broke the silence. It seemed fitting that she should, since this was her story to tell. "Bianca and I, we were raising Miranda, that beautiful little girl. They're both the light of my life, you know."
"I can tell." Anna replied. She couldn't help but notice the sparkle in the blonde's eyes as she spoke about Bianca and Miranda.
Maggie adjusted her position on the couch, shifting a bit so she could curl up against the cushions. "My life was a mess when we got here. I had just gotten out of an abusive relationship and practically uprooted myself from a place I called home because I couldn't bear the fact of an ocean between Bianca and me. And while it sounds selfish that I didn't want to be without my best friend, I know now that it was the best decision I ever made in my life."
"Understandable. I will say it was quite a surprise when you showed up on my doorstep."
"I know. Definitely the last person you expected, huh?"
"Yeah, but I'm glad we're in each other's lives again," Anna smiled.
"I am, too," Maggie took another sip of tea before setting her cup down on the table. She tucked some hair behind her ear, picking up where she left off. "As you know already, Bianca gave me the time I needed to heal, to get my balance back. And of course, you saw the joy on my face when she and I decided it was time to get involved, moving our close friendship into an actual relationship."
Anna laughed, recalling the day she met Maggie for lunch and how she was beaming from ear to ear. "How could I forget? You were almost ready to climb to the top of the Eiffel Tower and shout the news to all of Paris."
Maggie laughed slightly, the memory etched into her mind. "I know. It was one of the happiest days of my life." Looking away, she sighed, "What I'd give to feel that way again. How could I have made such a stupid mistake?"
"I'm guessing the mistake and Bianca talking about commitment go hand in hand?"
"Yeah, they do. But there's stuff before that which kind of adds fire to everything."
"Okay," Anna set her teacup down, giving the younger woman her undivided attention.
"Over the last year, I decided to take some extra classes, so I could get ahead and have a lighter class schedule when fall semester came around. With Bianca's life being consumed with Cambias dealings and mine with class, we barely spent any time together. But when we did find time to spend together as a family, we made the most of it. No matter if I was sleep deprived, I cherished every single moment I spent with them." Maggie brought a hand to the back of her neck and took a deep breath. "With amount of time we were apart during the weekdays, Bianca and I sat down one night and talked about trusting one another. It may sound like a pre-emptive measure, but what it really did was strengthen the bond we had and most of all, our love."
"Well, I'm glad the two of you established that. Trust is a very important thing in a relationship," Anna replied.
"It really is. I was really grateful she and I had that talk because classes started getting real hectic for me and I had to spend more time in the library, lab and with my study group. It didn't make Bianca too happy, but she also knew deep down it was all for the good of my future career."
"We all have to make some sacrifices sometimes. And I'm sure you had your share of Bianca coming home late from work because of an impromptu business meeting or a dinner."
"Yeah," Maggie nodded. "But things got a bit complicated for me, because one of the girls from study group, actually my lab partner started coming on to me. I didn't notice it at first, but when I started spending more time at the lab finishing up our experiments, she would get a bit too cozy with me and sometimes, a bit too close."
"Cecelia?" Anna surmised.
"Yes, Cecelia. I brushed it off at first and told her that I was involved with someone. I got her to back off but then it started again." Swallowing the lump that formed in her throat, she shook her head slightly, remembering a compromising moment. "One time, after the rest of the study group left, she hung around, claiming that she didn't quite understand one of the sections we had just studied and needed me to explain in a little more detail. So, I sat down at the computer and she was standing behind me. Next thing I knew, her arms were draped over my shoulders and I felt her breath against my neck, trying to lean down and kiss me. I managed to push her off me the minute I realized what was happening, but it also didn't help that Bianca came into the den a minute later. Luckily, she didn't catch the compromising position I was in, but she knew something happened. And that night, rather than keep it to myself, I told her."
Anna eyed the blonde with concern. "How did she react?"
"Bianca wasn't happy at first and I understood why. It was a normal reaction and had the situation been reversed, I would've probably been the same way."
"So, you both managed to get past this incident?"
"Yes."
"Why does it sound like things are about to get worse?" the older woman bit down on her lip, becoming a bit uneasy as to what Maggie was about to tell her next.
Maggie shrugged, not knowing if there was a better way to hash out the chain of events. "Because they're about to?" ruefully looking back at Anna. "I told Cecelia once again to back off and I even spoke to my professor, requesting that she not be my lab partner anymore. It meant me taking on double the amount of work, but I didn't care. I wasn't about to jeopardize my relationship with Bianca." Looking down, she heaved another deep sigh. "Unfortunately, I still had to deal with her during study group. One night, after a marathon session at the library, we all decided to stop for a drink before heading home. Bianca and Miranda were back in Pine Valley because of Kendall's accident, so I figured it wouldn't hurt to unwind a bit. I had thought Cecelia backed out because she headed home right after, but she wound up at the bar a little while later and was back to her old tricks."
"Oh that doesn't sound good." Anna's brow wrinkled.
"No, it doesn't." Shaking her head, Maggie continued. "And as we all sat around the table at the bar, everyone started talking about their relationships. Cecelia knew to stay away but couldn't help sitting directly across from me, raising an eyebrow from time to time. After a while, I started to grow uncomfortable, so I excused myself to sit at the bar and have one last drink before calling it a night. Little did I know, Cecelia took this as a chance to pounce on me, yet again, sitting down on the stool next to mine and using the excuse that she just wanted to apologize for everything that happened. I took her apology lightly, not putting much faith in it and considering how I was already tired from the day, I humored her for a little bit as I finished my drink. She started talking about relationships and asked if I'd ever been with another woman besides Bianca. I told her no and that Bianca was the only one and we loved each other very much. That was when she started mentioning her own personal experiences and how she felt the need to explore. I guess this was her way of making me doubt myself."
Anna didn't reply, unsure if it was even the right moment to, let alone she could also tell that Maggie was nowhere near done confiding the whole story. She simply sat quietly, raking her fingers through her hair, listening intently to every word that was being spoken. Regardless of their non-familial tie, Anna couldn't help but feel a maternal bond with Maggie, wanting to be there for her like any caring mother would.
"She was relentless, trying to shake my own faith and I was really getting tired of it. Finally, I grabbed my bag and moved off the stool. Before I could take one step, she pulled me into her arms and pressed her lips against mine," Maggie shuddered, the moment suddenly fresh in her mind. "Like the incident in the den, I pushed her away and once again told her to back off. Just as I was about to leave, she grabbed hand one last time and stared into my eyes, telling me to think about what she said, how it didn't hurt to explore. I was too pissed off to reply that I simply walked away. I'd be a liar if I didn't say what happened at the bar shook me up a bit, because it did, but I reminded myself of how much I loved Bianca that I tried not to let it bother me."
"Did you tell her about what happened?" Anna asked.
"No, I didn't. This time, I kept it to myself," Maggie replied, shaking her head. "With all the stress she had with Kendall and then coming home to a pile of work waiting for her in the office, I didn't want to add any more. By that time, Cecelia had gone away for the summer, so there was no reason to shake our already stable relationship."
"But you were also keeping a secret from the person you love," raising an eyebrow at the younger woman. "You know how things always turn out when you're keeping something like this from someone you love. The guilt begins to manifest inside you to a point where it starts casting a shadow on every decision the two of you make."
"I know and that's exactly what started happening," Maggie's gaze fell. She pulled her legs close to her body and wrapped her arms around them. "I tried to go on with life as usual and put the incident in the back of my mind. At first, I was able to deal with it, not let it bother me because I loved Bianca," she reasoned, resting her chin on top of her knees. "But after a while, Cecelia's words started looming in the back of my mind again and it didn't help how Bianca was stuck at the office more so than usual, because of some huge merger. Yet, somehow she managed to reinforce the love in our relationship by surprising me with a trip to Venice, so we'd have some time together as a family, just like how it was on our first trip there."
"And did it do that? Strengthen your love for one another?" When Maggie didn't reply, she reached over and placed a consoling hand on her leg. "It's okay, you can tell me."
"I want to say it did, because at first, it seemed that way, Bianca and I made the best of every moment and those doubts in my head drifted away. Then on our last night there, we were sitting on the deck of our villa and that's when Bianca mentioned the idea of settling. It sent this shockwave through me and I sort of just freaked out, in a calm way but the whole talk of commitment shook me up."
"Well, I said before, it is a huge step."
"Yeah and that's when those doubts came bubbling to the surface. We stayed up all night talking things out and it seemed like we ended on the same page regarding the subject, but in reality, I knew we weren't." Maggie looked up remorsefully. "During that discussion, I almost blurted out the incident at the bar, but I caught myself. Thinking back, I should have told her because it inevitably helped put the gears in motion for what happened next. After we got back from Venice, things were definitely not the same, if anything we became a bit distant with one another. She threw herself into work and I was once again consumed with classes and lab work. Not to mention, Cecelia was back, but she knew not to go anywhere near me."
"I'm glad she knew to keep her distance from you. Having her mess around again is the last thing you needed, given your situation with Bianca," Anna remarked, now curious to hear if Bianca and Maggie had come to a resolution regarding talks of commitment. "So, tell me, were you able to maybe smoothen things a bit? Perhaps put Bianca at ease as to why you reacted the way you did?"
"I tried to. I even rearranged my class schedule a bit so I could be home earlier and spend more time with them. After a little while, it seemed like things were back to normal. Business matters at Cambias finally slowed down and Bianca was home at a decent hour as opposed to the many late nights she'd drag herself into bed," Maggie yawned, surprised at the sudden onset of exhaustion. Ignoring the feeling, she rubbed her eyes and went on. "For a little while, our lives reverted back to our daily routines and it felt as though nothing had happened. I assumed Bianca had forgotten about the idea and maybe realized that it was too soon for us to consider taking a huge step."
"And?"
"And… I thought wrong."
"Oh dear."
"Yeah, I told you it gets worse," Maggie muttered sorrowfully.
"Well, I'm still listening. I'm not going anywhere," Anna reassured her.
Bringing a hand to the back of her neck again, Maggie swallowed the lump in her throat, knowing that she was getting to the most hurtful part, the betrayal. "We were sitting down right here on this couch one night. It was around the beginning of October and we had just put Miranda to bed. There wasn't much to watch on television, so we simply sat here and listened to some music. And that's when she casually brought up the subject again." She closed her eyes, momentarily brought back to that point in time and the heated discussion that ensued thereafter. "I got all defensive again and this time, it wasn't like before. It was almost as if my fear was talking and I guess it didn't help how I was still hiding the fact that Cecelia had kissed me."
"Not this again," Maggie moved out of Bianca's arms, turning to the brunette with a steadfast gaze. "I thought we talked about this already."
"Yes, we did. And well, some time has passed since our last discussion, I was hoping you'd be a little more open to the idea," Bianca raised an eyebrow, completely taken aback by Maggie's defensiveness. She paused for a second, looking deep into the blonde's dark brown eyes, sensing there was something she wasn't telling her. "Maggie, I don't understand. Why are you being like this? We love each other, I just thought since it's pretty much established that maybe we'd take this next step."
"Well, I kinda wish you'd talk to me about it first."
"I am! It's what I'm doing right now but you're being so goddamn pig-headed about it!"
Maggie stood up, her back facing Bianca as she spoke. "I'm sorry."
"What's wrong, Mags" Bianca's tone softened a bit as she moved toward her girlfriend. She attempted to wrap her arms around her but was surprised when the embrace was met with resistance. "Maggie, what's got you so scared? Talk to me."
"I don't know… it just… it feels like you're pushing me into something I don't think I'm even ready for," Maggie replied. She didn't turn around for fear Bianca would catch the troubled look in her eyes, one that made it obvious she was keeping something from her. "I… you're the only woman I've ever been with and…"
Bianca stepped back, brow creasing with confusion. "What are you trying to say, Maggie? Are you doubting us, our love?"
"No."
"Then tell me what's going on. Because it sure sounds like you are."
Maggie finally turned around, a glimmer of fear in her eyes as she locked gazes with Bianca. "I am not doubting our love. It's the one thing that keeps me sane throughout all the craziness I deal with because of classes," she bit down on her bottom lip, trying to push the seeds of her own insecurity away. "It just… why are you in such a hurry to make things official? We're happy with the way things are, why the need to settle down?"
Bianca moved closer, cupping Maggie's face with her hands. "Because I love you and I don't ever want to lose you."
"Oh, so you're doing this so you can have some sort of leash on me?"
"No, it's not like that!"
"Okay, then tell me, what's the real reason you're so gung-ho about commitment." The blonde pulled away. "God, it wasn't that long ago that I almost married some abusing murderer. Didn't you take into account after everything I've been through that maybe I'm not in a hurry to settle?" Maggie caught the look on her girlfriend's face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean for it to come out that way. But you have to understand, where I'm at right now, a commitment is not in the forefront of my mind. Yes, you and Miranda are priorities on my list, but…"
Bianca sat on the couch, pulling Maggie down with her. "Look, I know it's a big step and it scares the heck out of me, too. But we'd be doing this together. I've wanted, for the longest time to give Miranda a stable family life…"
"What, the life we've got right now isn't enough?"
"It is. Miranda adores you."
"Then stop pressuring me into making this kind of decision!"
"Maggie, that's not what I'm doing! You're the one who keeps going on and on about feeling pressured," the brunette countered, feeling the need to raise her voice in order to match the intensity of Maggie's. "You know what, forget that I brought up the subject because obviously this is something we're never going to agree on and who knows if you ever will." Suddenly, Bianca went silent, realizing the words that just spilled out of her mouth while watching Maggie get up from the couch. Before she could reach out and stop her from going anywhere, it was already too late. "Maggie, wait."
"Wait, what?" Maggie bitterly replied. She didn't have the heart to look at Bianca, her own guilt having manifested inside of her combined with the hurt of her girlfriend's words. The last thing she wanted to do was say something she would regret, just as Bianca had done already.
"Where are you going?"
"Somewhere. Anywhere but here because right now, I need to walk away from this discussion before I say something I won't be able to take back."
"And I stormed out, right after," Maggie's voice cracked, tears stinging her eyes. "I was so angry and I had no idea why. Maybe I was just mad at myself for letting my own fear get in the way."
"Or you let the guilt of not telling Bianca about the kiss control your emotions," Anna reasoned.
Maggie's gaze fell once more, quickly swiping the tears away with the back of her hand. "I should have stayed. Had I, then it wouldn't have propelled me to head to the bar and make the worst mistake of my life." Facing forward, she started straight ahead, recounting the events that followed after. "I remember arriving at the bar and sitting down. At first, I didn't really have anything to drink, it was really more of me just wanting some time to myself. Then I heard the familiar voice next to me, plopping down on the stool wearing that same seductive smile."
"Well, look what the cat dragged in."
Maggie didn't reply. Looking the other way, she flagged down the bartender and ordered a martini. While waiting for her drink, she avoided eye contact with the other woman, making every attempt to ignore her.
"Hmm, something's troubling you," Cecelia surmised as she set her drink down and moved closer to the blonde. Again, Maggie didn't respond, simply sipping at her drink. "Trouble in paradise, I take it?"
"I'm really not in the mood to talk about it, Cecelia," Maggie finally spoke, swallowing the last bit of alcohol. She signaled the bartender for another before finally turning toward Cecelia. "I'm not in the mood for anything, in fact. All I want to do is forget."
"Forget what?"
Maggie broke eye contact and faced forward. "I told you, I don't want to talk about it."
Cecelia chuckled under her breath. "She pushed you into a commitment, didn't she? I knew this would happen. What did I tell you months ago?"
"Look, no offense, but you're the last person I want to share this information with. So if you don't mind, I'm going to just wallow in my sorrows and try to forget this night ever happened," Maggie reached for her drink and took a quick sip.
Sensing the vulnerability in the blonde, Cecelia knew this was a perfect opportunity but decided not to make any moves, given what had happened in the past. Instead, she figured it was best to humor Maggie in her own way, knowing sooner or later she'd give in to temptation.
And that's exactly what happened, for one hour later, Maggie found herself being led out of the bar and toward Cecelia's car. Not long after, Maggie was standing inside of Cecelia's apartment, pressed up against the wall engaging in a fervent kiss.
"I can help you forget, you know. Show you what it feels like to explore." Cecelia whispered. Her lips brushed across Maggie's as she reached up to push aside some stray wisps of blonde hair.
"I can't… I…" Maggie hesitated.
"Oh come on, you know you want to," the taller woman urged seductively, taking Maggie by the hand and leading her toward the bedroom. Once inside, she kissed her again knowing Maggie was already in an alcohol induced haze. "Just forget about everything else."
"I…"
"Shhh…"
"I slept with her, Anna." Maggie flinched at the memory. She felt a pain her stomach, almost identical to the same one she felt the morning after. "And when I realized what I'd done, I felt so sick."
"Oh God, what have I done." Maggie whispered softly, sitting at the edge of the bed. She turned around and winced, finding a naked Cecelia still sound asleep. The room was somewhat dark, the sun having barely risen. She buried her face in her hands, immediate regret coursing through her.
Suddenly, she felt an onset of pain in her stomach, causing a rush to the bathroom. Once inside, she shut the door and kneeled over the toilet, vomiting the contents of whatever was left in her stomach from the night before.
A few minutes later, Maggie was seated against the bathroom wall, hunched forward with her face buried and her arms wrapped around her knees. It took almost an hour for her to gather her bearings and when she attempted to get up the first time, tears streamed down her face, causing her to collapse against the wall, the pain and regret feeling like salt on an open wound.
Finally able to stand up, Maggie quietly walked out of the bathroom and carefully picked up her clothes from the floor. Without so much as a sound, she got dressed and tiptoed out the bedroom, pulling the door shut behind her. Quaking with feelings she no longer could describe, she searched for the door and left Cecelia's apartment with an intense need to get home.
"I kept telling myself that I needed to get home and I swear, I never ran so fast in my whole life. Maybe it was adrenaline, I don't know," Maggie paused, running a hand through her hair as she tried to find the words to describe her feelings. "One thing I did know was that I wasn't going to keep this from Bianca. No more secrets or lies, I had to come clean."
Anna reached for Maggie's hand. "I'm glad you made the decision to tell her."
"Yeah, easy for you to say, because now, I'm dealing with the consequences of my actions and honest to God, Anna, it hurts," Maggie choked back tears, her somewhat strong facade now completely shattered.
"How long, Maggie? How long has this been going on?" Bianca said angrily, looking at her girlfriend with a piercing glare. It took every ounce of her self control not to yell as she stood there waiting for an answer. "Is this why you're so hesitant towards commitment? Because you've been messing around with someone else behind my back? Answer me, Maggie! How long!?!"
Maggie's eyes shifted from left to right, gulping the lump in her throat as she stood privy to Bianca's scrutinizing gaze. "It only happened once. I…"
"When?"
"Last night."
Shock filled Bianca's face, the brunette slowly sitting down on the edge of the bed as tears fell from her eyes. "You left here last night and fell into another woman's bed?" her voice now a pained whisper. "Why, Maggie? How… how could you do this?"
"Bianca, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean for it to happen… I.." Maggie knelt down in front her girlfriend. Reaching up, she tried to wipe the tears, but was met with unexpected resistance.
"Don't… touch me."
"Bianca."
"No! Just, please… don't" Bianca stood up, knocking Maggie off balance in the process. "I need to be alone right now," she said despondently, walking out of the bedroom.
Getting up off the floor, Maggie followed Bianca to the foyer. "Bianca, where are you going?"
"For a walk," turning around, her pain filled gaze meeting Maggie's remorseful one. "Claire should be back with Miranda in a little bit. If I were you, I'd spend some time with her because when I get back, we're going to talk about where you and I stand in this relationship."
"Bianca…" Maggie called out one last time, but she realized the damage had already been done as she watched the door close. Leaning against the oak barrier, she sank down to the floor and broke down in tears. The only good thing she had in her life, now ruined and it was all her fault.
"We talked later on and that's when she said that maybe the two of us needed some time apart to figure out what we both wanted in our lives," Maggie wiped away the tear that streamed down her cheek. "She told me to work out my feelings on my own time and that if I ever wanted to come back to her, she'd be in Pine Valley waiting for me," unsuccessfully trying to choked back her emotions. "And when I woke up the next morning, Bianca and Miranda were gone."
Anna moved closer on the couch and pulled Maggie into her arms. Enveloping her in a warm hug, she brushed the back of Maggie's head with her fingers, holding her firmly in the embrace. She didn't need to say anything, as the physical comfort was all that was needed right now, giving Maggie this chance to release her emotions, something she could tell was being held back through the whole conversation.
After a few moments, they pulled away, Maggie still wrecked physically and emotionally. Anna gave the blonde a comforting smile, reaching a hand to cup her cheek. Maggie placed her own hand on top of Anna's, stray tears still falling from her swollen eyes.
"What do I do, now?" she whispered, lost in a haze of confusion and regret.
"Get you one way ticket to Pine Valley."
"One way?"
Anna grabbed her purse, pulling out her cell phone and flipping it open. "Yes, because when it comes time for you to return to Paris, it'll be on that Cambias jet with Bianca and Miranda, together once again."
-end chapter-
