We need to talk.
Casey sent the message at 5am, finally finding the courage to press the send button after having typed up assorted drafts for the last 4 hours. She knew she had to tell him.
Tell him what? That you kissed Izzie? Well, technically she kissed you, but you kissed her back, so that's bad…That you have feelings for her and it's confusing as fuck and you still love him but now everything is weird and different and I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm a shithead douchebag A-hole supreme who doesn't deserve you!
She really had no idea what was the right thing to say, and she didn't know who to turn to. Casey had spent the last 7 hours mulling over Izzie and Evan. Did that make her bisexual? Did she want to have sex with Izzie? Sure, she thought Izzie was probably most the beautiful and sexy person she'd ever met, and how she caught herself staring at her all the time, but it wasn't so much a physical thing. She just wanted to look deep into Izzie's eyes and hug her forever. She wanted to hold hands and get called "Newton" and have stupid running competitions in the supermarket, or see how good she was with Sam. Have silly fashion montages every time they went to the nearby Buffalo Exchange and watch dumb chick flicks while commenting on how outdated but iconic some of the characters are. And that kiss… that kiss was something else.
She had texted Izzie after she had curtly dismissed her.
Hey. I'm meeting Evan after practice. Meet me after?
Ok.
In the morning, Casey felt like half a human person and half a huge mess. Barely able to pry open her eyes, she realised that she must've only slept for 3 hours. She had to get up for training since there was a track meet in a few weeks time, and she had to keep in shape to keep her scholarship at Clayton…especially now, since there was even more reason to stay there. She wondered where Evan was, and how he felt about the end of his junior year. He was probably sound asleep in bed, passed out with the video game controller in his hands, surrounded by empty candy wrappers. It was a Friday night without her, after all.
Casey loved running not only because it made her wicked lean, but it made her feel like she had control over her life, even if for the briefest moment. Suddenly, it was like the world was just a giant playground to run all over, around, and across. There's nothing like knowing that your body was able to go anywhere it wanted, and that was the most liberation she could get these days. If she wanted, she could make like Forest Gump and run for months and months without a care in the world. It would be so good to just run away from her life right now- to not have to answer any questions. To just run until she no longer remembered why she was running to begin with. She fucking needed it.
She took the usual path around the neighbourhood block and saw none other than Izzie, stretching on a nearby cul-de-sac. Goddamn it. For some reason, Casey didn't know what to say. What used to come so naturally had become tense. Were they going to talk about ... it? She wanted to choose her words carefully.
"Uh, good morning! Nice day isn't it?" The phrase was comically hollow. Casey couldn't believe that she was talking about the fucking weather.
Izzie rolled her eyes. She knew that Izzie also kept a vigorous training schedule especially after Casey joined the team. Sometimes they would even run together, but Izzie was more of a midnight runner than a morning one.
"I hate the mornings. How do you do this everyday?"
"The birds. They just obnoxiously sing the second the sun rises and that's my beauty sleep gonzo."
The birds were still chirping, but not nearly as loudly. Izzie smiled.
"I feel like I can sleep through anything."
"You can sleep through any movie, that's for sure."
Izzie roller her eyes again and Casey playfully smirked. It was back.
"Wanna go to the track with me?" Izzie asked.
"Sure."
They chatted about silly things until they reached the entrance of the school. It was a Saturday and it was deserted - exactly the way that Casey liked it. Without warning, the both of them started sprinting like crazy towards the field. Casey was taller and faster, but Izzie had been working on her sprints and managed to touch the tartan before she could. Winded, they both collapsed onto the floor.
In between pants, Izzie struggled to say, "Better watch it, Newton, or you'll lose your edge."
Casey chugged from her water bottle, unclicked the top, and then splashed Izzie.
"You're so dead."
The two of them started pelting each other with streams of water, and soon enough the both of them were drenched head to toe. Casey was trying to pour the rest of her water onto Izzie's head, but had been met with strong resistance.
"Don't you fucking dare."
"Hey I'm doing you a favour. It's very hot right now and I'm just helping you cool off."
Izzie was holding off Casey's wrist as the water bottle inched closer to her head. Then she had an idea.
"Holy shit, it's Evan!" Casey froze and whipped her head in the direction that Izzie was looking in. When she saw that her boyfriend was indeed NOT in Clayton Academy's track and field, she turned back to Izzie.
"That was so not fu-"
Izzie gave her a quick peck on the lips and ran away. She knew that it probably wasn't a good idea, but damn did it feel good.
Casey sank the ground, dazed. Shit.
—
Casey saw Evan text back around 11am.
Is everything okay? What do you wanna talk about?
Meet me at Subway around noon? We can get lunch.
Can you tell me what's going on?
See you at 12.
—
When Casey got to the Subway, Evan was already there, ordering a foot-long Teriyaki Chicken sub with extra cheese.
"The usual then?"
"You know it."
After Evan wolfed down his sub, taking a final sip of his Vanilla Coke, he set down his cup.
"Okay. What did you want to talk about?"
"Um… Evan, there's no easy way to say this.. But…"
This was fucking impossible. Why didn't she make a draft of what she was going to say?
"But what? Is there sauce on my face?" He checked his cheeks for honey mustard.
"I.. Izzie kissed me." Suddenly, the carefreeness of his entire demeanour dropped and was replaced with confusion.
"What?"
"She kissed me. Izzie." It was clearly taking a while for Evan to process this piece of information, and Casey didn't blame him - she was still processing too.
"What the fuck, Casey!"
"Whoa, hey! Calm down. Why are you being like this?"
"Well someone kissed my girlfriend! I have every right to be pissed off!"
"You didn't react that way with Nate."
"That was because I knew you didn't give a shit about him! But Izzie…I know how much you love her."
A pause. His eyes widened.
"Do…do you love her?"
Words failed her. That seemed to be answer enough.
"Did you kiss her back?"
Again, Evan's questions were met with a guilty Casey, looking away from his confronting gaze. He seemed more sad than angry, but the fury in his voice was there.
"I love you."
Evan's face softened just a little bit, but the fierceness of his body language remained the same. He rubbed his temples and put his hands behind on his neck.
"So, what are you doing?"
"I don't know."
"I didn't even know you were into girls."
"I'm … I'm still working things out. I just don't want to hurt you. Either of you."
"Well Casey, it's a bit late for that now." Evan was putting on his jacket to get up and leave.
"Why don't you give me a call when you fucking figure it out."
"This isn't my fault!" Evan stopped rushing away and looked at her for a long time.
"Yeah. But it's not not your fault."
"What?"
"If it wasn't a problem, you'd be saying that you feel nothing for her and that you love me and we would be laughing and sharing a M&M cookie right now." Casey looked to the floor. Evan was absolutely right, and he knew he was. She would never forget the expression on his face when he stormed out of the Subway. So hurt. So restrained from not lashing out and yelling. She almost wanted him to punch her, so she could feel less guilty. But he didn't, because he wasn't like that. He was trying to understand, and Casey didn't deserve it.
"See you later Casey."
The Subway was empty except for their Sandwich Artist, who had clearly overheard every word that was transpired. Casey felt like she might have recognised her from school.
"Hey, are you alright?" The girl asked. After closing her eyes for several moments, she opened them and replied.
"Not really." A ping and a buzz came from her pocket.
Hey, can we meet?
