Chapter 3: Ermitophobia
Fear of loneliness
At 15 I had two, real, friends Ren and Bella. They both attended Forks High school with me, and were in the same year as me. So, really, it made sense for me to hang around with them. It was more than that though, they just got me.
Ren, who's real name was Renesmee, was just about as screwed up as I was. Which was slightly wonderful, you know. I wasn't the only one with issues.
Her mother was rarely ever around; she was a bit of a hippy in her younger days, which resulted in Ren's rather "unique" name, but had reinvented herself into a workaholic. As a result Ren spent a lot of her time bouncing between both my house and Bella's.
Bella was the result of a failed marriage between Renee, just about the most flighty woman ever, and Charlie Swan the chief of police. So I never felt particularly different in my small group of friends.
We were all slightly screwed up, and even if I was perhaps a bit more messed up than the both of them they always accepted me. Even if they didn't know just how fucked up I was. They didn't know about the purging, not for a very long time at least.
I suppose compared to the two of them my home life would be considered pretty great. I mean, my parents weren't divorced; not that they were madly in love, but still. We were an upper class family with three "darling" children. Rather perfect looking to an outsider, I suppose.
Ren and Bella, are my best and only friends. I hate being alone, and as a result I spend a lot of time with them.
It's not exactly loneliness that bothers me. It's what loneliness brings. The small insecurities begin rising up, and the tiny voices in my head that remind me of these things become louder.
I can usually manage to keep my calm around other people. When I'm by myself though there's nothing to stop me from breaking down.
There's also no reason to eat, no reason to pretend, when no one else is around. It's also so much easier to give into the temptation to purge. So, that's a lot of the reason for all the time I spent with them. If they were around I had to eat, and I couldn't purge with them around.
They didn't know about my problem. In fact, Jasper was the first person to ever discover my dirty little secret.
Jasper came over for dinner again. He's always perfectly polite and everything my parents expect him to be, he's perfect. Him and Maria are quite the power couple around Forks High.
I almost want to roll my eyes at the notion, but I resist. My parents wouldn't be very happy with me showing such "rude" attitude while Jasper is around.
My parents are eyeing me as I eat. Well, as I push the food around my plate to give the illusion that I'm eating.
I take a couple of bites to satisfy their prying eyes. Immediately I feel the weight of the food. It's an odd, heavy sensation at the pit of my stomach. I'm forced to eat the vast majority of the meal to appease them.
"May I be excused? I need to use the restroom."
I try to use the tone Maria always uses. That perfectly polite and even tone that she's mastered.
"Yes, Mary."
"Alice."
"Of course."
"I'm not coming back down stairs. I have tons of homework to do."
My parents nod, dismissing me. I head quickly up to the bathroom. I'm very practical about it. I don't like to make a fuss or anything.
Obviously, I'm not trying to attract attention. So it's usually fairly quick and somewhat quiet, quiet enough at least.
When I step out of the bathroom Jasper is standing there and he's giving me the look. I know immediately that he knows. My first instinct is to give an excuse.
"I'm not feeling well." I say and clutch my stomach to emphasize the point.
"You're lying."
"No, I'm not. I think I'm coming down with something."
"Sure, and these were from my cat." He says as he pulls up his sleeves revealing faded scars. He walks away quickly shoving his sleeve back down.
AN: please review guys. Even if you hate it you should review and tell me so.
