Chapter Three: Heart to Heart
After experiencing one of the most horrible dreams of my life, I am startled awake; panting harshly and shaking slightly. Every time I close my eyes I see Dean's lifeless gaze staring back at me, so I decide to give up on trying to sleep.
The dream had been so vivid, like it had been happening in reality. I can recall every little detail of the dream. He and I were arguing, much like our argument at the motel, only this time we were outside by the Impala. We were both tossing insults at each other. I had screamed at him in rage; telling him that he had ruined my life. And much like our argument in reality, I had told him that I hated him, only this time when he froze in shock and pain a man with blood red eyes suddenly appeared behind him. Before I could warn him, however, the man thrust his hand through his back; as though Dean were merely made of clay.
Even now that I am awake, I can still hear Dean's scream of agony. The man had smirked in triumph as Dean fell forward into my arms. I hadn't bothered to chase the man down as he fled, I just held tightly to Dean as the light of life faded from his eyes.
In my dream my brother died in my arms, all I could do was helplessly watch and cry out whatever higher being that would listen. Just thinking back on the dream sends unpleasant shivers down my spine. I have never dreamt of my brother dying before, and I hope I never do again. That was the worst experience of my life and I don't wish to relive it. That dream made me realize what life could be like without Dean in it, though. If anything were to ever happen to my brother I would go insane. Without him I would no longer have a life to live. If Dean were to die I know that my soul would die along with him.
Rising to my feet, I stumble into the bathroom and flip on the light switch. Squinting against the sudden bright light, I move further into the room and stand at the sink. I open my eyes completely once they have adjusted to the bright room and I turn the faucet on. Splashing some cold water on my face, I let out a sigh and stare at my reflection in the mirror. My complexion is paler than normal and the nightmare has left me drenched in sweat.
Releasing another sigh, I dry my face with a towel and then leave the bathroom; turning off the light on my way out. Heading into the guestroom, I decide to check on Dean, simply for my own reassurance that he is alright and very much alive. I know this is stupid since it was only a dream, but checking on my brother is just something I need to do. Even if only for my own peace of mind.
Fear grips my heart, however, when I reach the guest room only to find it empty. I glance around the room but see no signs of my brother. Backing out of the room, I practically run into the living room and try to think of where Dean could possibly be. I know I am probably overreacting, but I can't help the fact that I need to know where he is at all times. I feel as though I have to look out for him; keep him safe. My brother needs me right now and I am going to do my best to be here for him.
Glancing toward the back door I find it to be wide open. Idly, I wonder how I missed this before as I head in that direction. Upon reaching the screen door, I look out into the darkness for any sign of my brother. Thankfully, the moon is high in the sky and the bright glow is lighting up the land in a bluish tint.
Finding Dean doesn't turn out to be the challenge I originally thought it would be. He is sitting on a lawn chair no more than fifteen feet in front of me; using the glow of the moon as his only light. I am surprised to see a cigarette in his hand; the cherry on the end burning brightly into the night. Dean has always had bad habits, eating greasy food and drinking more than he should, but he has never been known to be a smoker.
He really must be under a lot of stress, I think to myself in dismay as I quietly open the screen door and make my way toward him. My foot falls give me away instantly and Dean looks over his shoulder at me. His eyes are guarded, however; keeping his feelings hidden from me.
"What are you doing out here?" I ask cautiously as I sit down on the lawn chair beside him, not sure if he is willing to talk to me yet. "Aren't you tired?"
"I woke up about an hour or so ago and couldn't go back to sleep." He answers quietly, staring somewhere off in the distance, though I am sure this is just so he can avoid looking at me.
"Any reason for that," I ask softly. "Just have too much on your mind?"
"Yeah, got a lotta shit on my mind; have for a while now."
I nod my head at this; guilt clenching in my stomach to the point of making me nauseous. "I've been wanting to talk to you, actually, about what was said the night I left."
"Do we have to do this right now Sam?" He asks with a long, heavy sigh. He is still refusing to look at me, though I wish he would.
"I would really like to if you don't mind. I want to resolve this, I hate when we're mad at each other." I answer honestly. "Please, Dean, just hear me out, okay?"
For a few long moments he doesn't answer me, just takes a hit from his cigarette and lets the dirty grey smoke out slowly. I don't try to rush him to make a decision. While I wait for him to make a choice, though, I openly look him over. His skin is shining in the pale moon light because of the sweat that still covers him, not to mention the moon is making him shine because he is unnaturally pale. Also, I am not sure how much weight Dean has lost but, looking at him, I can guess that it is more than he can afford to lose. The condition his health is in frightens me, and I want to tell him that we should head back inside but he begins talking before I can even open my mouth.
"Alright, if you want to have this heart to heart let's get it over with," he says in a resigned tone of voice, but this doesn't make me back down. I am determined to have this conversation because I am hoping it sets things right between us.
"First off, I said some cruel things and I am so sorry for that. You don't know how terrible I feel because of it. I honestly never wanted to hurt you Dean. I guess I had just felt trapped and frustrated, so I became defensive." I say in one long breath, partly because I was afraid he would interrupt me.
"You had to have meant it, even if just a little bit, Sammy. I could see it in your eyes... I'll never forget what I saw in your eyes." He says softly; on the verge of whispering.
"What did you see?" I ask, partly afraid to hear the answer.
"Resentment," Even though he isn't looking at me, I can hear the pain in his voice and it nearly tears me apart. "I saw resentment Sammy, and it made me realize what I had done to you. I mean, you had a normal life, but I came in and fucked that all up for you. I never should've came to you, never should've asked for your help in finding dad. That move ruined your life and I'm sorry Sam, that was never my intention."
The anguish in his voice breaks me, and I find a tear sliding down my face. "Dean, you aren't to blame for everything going wrong in my life. Jessica's death certainly wasn't your fault, she would have died whether you had come and got me or not. In fact, if not for you, I don't know where I'd be right now."
Dean acknowledges this with a nod of his head, but the guilty expression on his face remains. "Still, man, I feel like it would've been better if I had never come back into your life. I knew I shouldn't have involved you, but I did anyway. I am really sorry for that Sam; you don't realize how much I regret that. You were going somewhere with your life, and I had been so proud of you, but I took that all away from you. I don't blame you for hating me. I mean, what I did, sometimes I hate myself too."
I want to reach out to him, comfort him like he needs, but he doesn't appreciate hugs, so I keep my arms to myself. Instead, I rely on words to express how I feel. "I don't hate you Dean. I had only said that because I knew that it would bother you the most. I was being a jerk and I'm truly sorry. You gotta believe me, I hadn't meant it."
"You sure about that Sammy," he asks incredulously, and in an instant I am on my knees at his side.
"For all my life there has only been one person who I've been able to count on, only one person who ever supported me. You're that person Dean. I don't know what I would do without you; don't even want to think about it. You're my brother, man, and I love you. I'd even choose you over Jess; family comes first, after all. There are many things I can do without in life, but you're not one of them. I'd die without you. I don't always like hunting, never wanted that for my life, but I do enjoy all the time I get to spend with you. I could never hate you Dean, I love your ass, and you're stuck with me. Hope you can live with that."
"Okay, this is turning into a chick flick fast. Let's move onto another subject." Dean's attitude is back, but I can see the unshed tears of emotion in his eyes. He has taken what I said to heart and that is all that matters.
Feeling the tension leave the air that surrounds us, I rise to my feet and sit down once more on my abandoned lawn chair. I can't help the smile that forms on my face as my brother and I sit in comfortable silence. We have once again been able to resolve our issues, we have overcome the rift in our relationship, and I couldn't be happier. I know that things are going to go back to the way they were and that knowledge fills me with an overwhelming sense of relief.
With a wide smile on my face, I tilt my head in Dean's direction. My smile fades; however, when I see his facial features set in deep thought and worry creases along his forehead. I call out to him to find out what is wrong but he is obviously lost in thought because he doesn't seem to hear me. Reaching across the space between us, I place my hand on his forearm and this finally gets his attention. Placing a questioning look in my eyes, I wait patiently for him to answer my silent plea, but a frown grows on my face when he simply looks away.
"What's going on in that head of yours Dean?" I take the plunge and decide to ask what is on my mind. "What's wrong, man?"
His chest heaves up and then back down as he lets out a heavy sigh and turns his weary eyes in my direction. "You know I have complete faith in you Sammy, right?"
"Yes," I answer, though confusion colors my voice. "Where are you going with this?"
"I've just been thinking, is all." Dean answers vaguely, and I find myself getting slightly irritated. He obviously wants to talk about this, so what could possibly be so difficult about it?
"You've been thinking about what?" I encourage him to continue.
"About life, and what that bitch did to me." He looks down at his hands as he says this. "I have complete faith in you Sam, and in Bobby, but what if you don't find a way to save my ass?"
"I'm going to save you Dean, there's no doubt about it."
"But what if you can't? Sam, we don't know how to kill this bitch, and we only have five days to figure it out. And even if you find a way to kill her, there's no guarantee the poison will just leave my system." Dean says stubbornly.
This isn't something I want to hear, though, don't want to face the possibility. "There's no way around it Dean. I have to find the solution; I have to find a way to save you. I can't just give up."
"I'm not asking you to give up Sam. There are just some things I need to say to you in case the worst case scenario happens." The pleading I see in Dean's eyes is what makes me give in.
"Okay, what do you need to say to me?" I ask in defeat.
"Just in case this thing gets the best of me and you can't save me Sam, when I'm gone I don't want you losing your head. Don't go trying to be a hero by avenging my death or something equally stupid. I don't want you becoming obsessive over it; I don't want you turning into dad. He let mom's death consume him, don't let my death do the same to you."
I want to scream at him to stop talking about his death; want to shake some sense into him. He isn't acting like my brother right now. My Dean would never give up so easily; wouldn't lie down and die without a fight. I keep silent, however, figuring that is best.
"Also, I know I haven't been the best brother." I open my mouth to protest, but he continues before I can utter a single word. "I pushed you too hard sometimes and I know this. Sometimes I was just as bad as dad and I'm sorry for that. Plus, I know I give you a lot of shit. I don't know how you put up with me. I am grateful, though, 'cause you're all I have. You keep me grounded and I don't know what I'd do without ya."
I am silent as I watch him nervously run a hand through his hair. "What I'm tryin' to say, Sam, is please don't hold any grudges against me. When you think back, I want you to have fond memories. I don't want the times I was too hard on ya, or how I never stuck up for ya against dad, to be the first things that come to mind. Plus, when I'm gone, I'd like for you to go back to Stanford. We both know you want to. Please, for me Sam, become that kick ass lawyer we both know you're meant to be."
The desperation in his eyes and voice are what break me and I find myself nodding in promise. I want to tell him that I have no life ahead of me without him, but he just looks so hopeful that I can't bear the thought of dashing those hopes into the ground. Instead, I nod my head, tease him about that he started a chick flick moment, and then share the silence with him while quietly praying to God that I don't lose my brother in five days.
I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you
So if you're asking me I want you to know
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed
Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory
Leave out all the rest
TBC...
Lyrics...
Leave Out All the Rest - Linkin Park
