A/N: All right! Chapter Three! Finally we get to the part with Harry! But first you have to read a LOT of stuff!
Chapter Three
Cowboy Pajamas
Harry Potter was snoring loudly. Now, I know you had to read two whole chapters already just to get to the part about Harry, but instead of talking about Harry right away, I'm going to delay you some more by talking about the various newspaper articles that Harry has. They looked like this:
HARRY POTTER: THE CHOSEN ONE
Officials at the Ministry of Magic have announced that Harry Potter's new nickname is now "The Chosen One".
"You see, we were getting tired of 'The Boy Who Lived'," said Mr. Potter's publicist at the press conference held last night. "So everyone got together and tried to think of a better nickname.
"It wasn't easy to think up a new nickname. We argued all night long. At one time, we almost chose 'The Artist Formerly Known As Potter', but some people were worried about the legality of that, so we settled on 'The Chosen One'."
When questioned about the legality of writing something that is based off a copyrighted book without permission, Mr. Potter's publicist had this to say: "Shut up."
The next article went like this:
FUDGE FIRED; REPLACED BY MAN WITH HARD-TO-PRONOUNCE NAME
Cornelius Fudge has been fired as Minister of Magic, for general incompetence, the spread of mass misinformation, and smelly socks.
When asked about how he felt, Fudge had this to say: "I know I made some mistakes, but I don't think I should be fired. I mean, give me a break! I fudged up, okay? Ha ha ha! Fudged up, get it? 'Cause that's my name! Cornelius Fudge! Ha ha ha!"
Fudge has been replaced by Rufus Scrimgeour, whose name is, as some say, "hard to pronounce".
"It's French, okay?" said an irritated Mr. Scrimgeour. "You pronounce it 'Scrim-gwah', not 'Scrim-ge-or'! Can we focus on dealing with the evil wizard trying to take over the world now?"
Mr. Scrimgeour refused to go by the nickname Old Scrimy in order to simplify matters. He also refused to use Rufus-meister, the Scrimster, Grumpy Frenchman, The Main Minister, and Cuddles.
The third newspaper article read:
Ministry of Magic Ensures Safety of Hogwarts Students
Newly appointed Minister of Magic, Rufus Scrimgeour, or as he is more commonly known, Cuddles, announced that the Ministry would take great measures to protect students returning to Hogwarts this year.
"Don't call me Cuddles," the Minister of Magic said, angrily. "If you can't pronounce my name, just call me 'the Minister of Magic'."
The Minister of Magic went on to say that the complex security measures would be in full swing throughout the entire year. "Except in Chapter Twenty-Five, when Harry and Dumbledore leave Hogwarts to go-Whoops! Shouldn't give away the plot!" he said.
I know you're probably bored of news articles by now, and you probably want to hear something about Harry. Well, too bad. Before getting to Harry, you need to know about this pamphlet that he has:
MINISTRY OF MAGIC'S OFFICIAL GUIDE ON HOW TO PROTECT YOURSELF
Currently, a group of evil wizards called "Death Eaters" are trying to take over the country. They plan to do bad things, like kill everyone they can and delay the publishing of the next Harry Potter book by at least two years.
In order to help protect yourself, you are advised to do the following:
1. Never leave your house alone.
2. Look both ways before crossing the street.
3. You and your friends should settle on embarrassing personal questions like "What color is your underwear?" and ask each other these questions every time you meet. If your friend cannot answer correctly, he or she is a Death Eater in disguise, and is most likely trying to kill you. In that case, follow this easy, three step plan:
I. Sit down on the floor, with your legs spread apart.
II. Put your head between your legs.
III. Kiss your butt goodbye.
Next to these newspaper clippings and the pamphlet was a letter.
Dear Harry,
I am going to come pick you up on Friday at 11:00 P.M. and then take you to Ron's house.
But first we have to do something else. I'm not going to tell you about it now though. It's a secret.
Albus Dumbledore
Harry had read Dumbledore's letter dozens of times since it was delivered, even though he had memorized it already. In preparation of Dumbledore's visit, he had done absolutely nothing. By which I mean he didn't pack or anything. I don't know why.
The clock hit eleven, and Harry woke up, as if by magic, which would be a lot more impressive if he wasn't a wizard. He noticed that Dumbledore was walking up to the house, and ringing the doorbell.
Downstairs, Uncle Vernon said, "Who comes to people's houses at eleven o'clock in the night?" Harry ran downstairs in time to see Uncle Vernon open the front door.
"Good evening," Dumbledore said. "I'm here to see Mr. Potter?"
Uncle Vernon turned around and bellowed, "HARRY, THERE'S A HIPPIE HERE TO SEE YOU!"
"Okay," said Harry. "Hello Professor! I'll be with you in a second, I forgot to pack!"
"Pack?" Uncle Vernon asked.
"I am taking Mr. Potter away for the summer," Dumbledore said.
"You're taking him away for the summer?" Uncle Vernon asked.
"Yes," Dumbledore said.
"All right!" shouted Uncle Vernon. "Harry's going away! PARTY TIME!"
By the time Harry came back downstairs with his stuff, the Dursleys had turned on the radio and were just starting to rock out to the music. Harry noticed that Dumbledore was wearing a ring.
"Did you get engaged, Professor?"
"No, not yet," Dumbledore said.
Harry then noticed Dumbledore's hand was totally black.
"Er, what happened to your hand?" Harry asked. "Did you forget to wash it or something?"
"I'll tell you what happened later," Dumbledore said. "First, we need to take care of a few things. Since your godfather Sirius died, you get all of his possessions, including his house, his money, and cowboy pajamas."
"Cool," said Harry.
"Also, you get your very own house elf, Kreacher! That is, if he listens to you." Dumbledore flicked his wand and Kreacher appeared.
"Kreacher doesn't want to work for Harry Potter!" Kreacher said. "Kreacher hates Harry for some reason!"
"Oh, shut up," said Harry.
Kreacher shut up.
"Hey, he does whatever you say! Cool!" said Professor Dumbledore.
"Kreacher, bring me my new cowboy pajamas," Harry ordered. "Then put them in my trunk and go to Hogwarts to work with the other house-elves."
Kreacher left to do so, and Dumbledore turned the Dursleys. "One thing before we go: Harry turns of age next year."
"No he doesn't," the Dursleys said. "He's only going to be seventeen next year."
"Um...you turn of age when you're seventeen if you're a wizard," Dumbledore said.
"Okay," the Dursleys agreed.
Dumbledore breathed a sigh of relief. "Phew! Managed to pull that one off!" he said. "Anyway, that means he has to stay with you next year until he turns seventeen, and then—"
"HE'S OUTTA HERE!" cheered the Dursleys, knocking their drinks together.
"That's right," said Dumbledore. "Come now, Harry. Let's go."
"Go where?" Harry asked.
"I'd tell you, but I'd rather use an obtuse metaphor. We're going off to find the happy things once unknown."
"Oh," Harry said.
As they left the house, Harry heard Uncle Vernon mutter, "'Happy things once unknown'? Crazy hippies."
A/N: Am I the only one who thought the "you turn of age when you're seventeen if you're a wizard" thing came out of NOWHERE?
