I can feel it – I'm slowly slipping away. The longer I stay away the more evident my demise becomes. Antonio is lost, he questions my very existence. He shouldn't, but it's evident he does. My hunch was right in saying he would go straight to Feli. I know because I'm sitting in Ivan's parlour with him and Yao. Yao got a call from Kiku saying I was missing and asking if he knew where I was. And yet, as Yao looked me right in the eye – he lied. He told Kiku he'd keep an eye out for me, and hadn't seen me yet, all the while we held gazes.

It was then that I realized that even though Ivan was among the scariest people at those stupid world meetings, he was one of the one's with the biggest heart; Yao too. I won't say that I like them – because I don't. But today they earned my trust, and that's at least one step.

"Lovino." Ivan says, "Do you actually have a plan? Or is it all just running and hiding, da?"

I shrug back, acting as if the question means nothing.

"Really, aru?" Yao asks, "You just decided to run away? Why?"

I blink rapidly, trying to fight off the tears I know are coming, "It's complicated." I mumble.

Ivan contemplates something for a moment, then leans forward on his knees, "You love him, da? Why run away then?"

The room spins quickly, my mug slides from my hands and crashes onto the floor, my ears start to ring, my heart pounds and I hear my blood pulse. Everything sounds like it's underwater.

"Ivan!" Yao shrieks catching my shoulder as I slip forward. It feels like even though my body was caught my soul kept falling, "It's Feliciano, aru!" Yao continues to yell, hauling my dead weight – well trying to – back into the chair, "Without Lovino there, Feliciano will control everything!"

Ivan pulls me into his arms, vaguely I think of Antonio doing the same thing so I lean into it the best I can. I'm trying to fight him too because I know it's Ivan. He smells like vodka as he speaks, "We've got to call Antonio! Get him here and-"

"NO!" I scream over the pounding in my ears, threatening to tear my brain apart, "I can't see him!" I finally get enough strength to thrash around.

Ivan grasps me tighter to him and begins walking, "Lovino," he says in a soft voice, "your time is running out."

I was frustrated with the kindness and the fact I have no clue what Feli has to do with this, "Who gives a damn about time!" I roar.

He abruptly turns into a room with a chair and tosses me into it, strapping me down for what I assume is my own safety.

Yao rests a hand on my forehead, "Let me rephrase this…" he whispers lightly, as if he is the one fighting off tears, "you are starting to disappear… forever."

My dam breaks and my tears come rushing out, "So let me get this straight." I choke, "By not going back, I can prove Antonio wrong and… and die?"

Ivan nods and Yao quickly asks, "What exactly are you proving, aru?"

I think about that for a moment. What the hell am I proving?

"I think it's time to go home, da?" Ivan smiles awkwardly, his hand wavering over whether to take mine or not.

I nod weakly, "Thank you." I croak, "But can we keep this little visit between us?"

They both nod in agreement as they undo the straps.

I gather my things and step out into the cold. I snuggle deeper into my coat. Ivan waves as Yao bids me a safe trip home.

...

But that's the thing – I'm still not going home.