But wait, there's more...
5. Fear of Public Speaking
In the end, all Todd Packer ever wanted was an audience. That was shy he put up with customers, Corporate, losers like Michael Scott... everyone, basically. Because, just as a woman was only useful in what she could do for him, a human being was only useful as either the butt of a joke or the audience for it.
Which was largely up to mood, circumstance, and chemical intake on Packer's part.
"...so I say 'rectum? I damn near killed him!'" he finishes his story to shocked stone silence, which he actually revels in.
This particular audience has gathered around him to hear his speech for Career Day. Packer has never considered grade school students to be his ideal audience (they could hardly ever be relied upon to provide sexual favors or intoxicants), but at least one of these children is his and he hopes that appearing here will count for something when he's arguing his way out of another child-support check.
Not that he paid them under the best of circumstances... why did they think he became a traveling salesman in the first place? Still, these things could come back to bite him in the ass if he wasn't careful.
He wondered which one of these brats was his.
He couldn't even remember what the mother looked like.
Kids all looked the same to him and, anyway, he didn't know if he was looking for a boy or a girl.
It didn't matter.
Their teacher looked pretty good, though. A few years older than he generally went for, but after a few drinks that stopped being a problem.
Better wrap this up quick if he wants to tap that and still be back on the road in time. Leave the kids with some real valuable advice.
"Remember: condoms are for cowards and homos."
That should do it. Now, see about that giving that teacher the old once-up-the-ass-and-back-to-class.
Because there's only one think Packer likes more than an audience.
----
Steve, sternly: If you're a woman, you should never go to bed with a man who doesn't love you.
Pause as he lets the gravity of the statement set in.
Steve: Unless it's me.
He bursts out chortling like a school girl who's been made to say the word "titmouse."
The More You Know...
6. Toby's Big Chance
Toby had never been that confident around women he was attracted to and he problem just seemed to get worse over time. His marriage (and divorce) didn't help matters, of course, neither did the tattoo above his crotch that mysteriously appeared one morning during his time in Amsterdam (later recognized as Nintendo mascot Kirby wearing a bowler and two-tone shoes while engaging in a dance apparently called "the skank"). Still, as he steeled himself for Pam to come through the door, he knew today was the day.
The fact that he had told himself this every day since Jim left could not enter his mind for a second.
The door opened and Toby sprang into action with the line had spent all night staring in the mirror and perfecting: "Morning, Pam."
She smiled. That was a good sign. "Hi, Toby."
"Um..." he hadn't planned this far ahead. What should he say now? "Nice... day, huh?"
"Yeah," Pam nodded in awkward confusion. "I mean, its pay day, right?"
"Yeah," he confirmed, "that's why I already have three cans of Mickey's in me."
Then his face fell at the death of his own joke.
"I don't really," he admitted lamely.
"I know, Toby," Pam said sympathetically.
"I was just trying to be funny," he admitted miserably.
"No, I..."
"I need to get back to my desk," Toby mumbled as he began to sink away, completely deflated.
"Okay," Pam said softly as she lightly touched his arm.
Toby's senses tingled at the incidental touch. Most men would have felt rather pathetic given that both the nature of the sympathetic touch and the tone she had employed were most often used with injured four-year-olds, but Toby claimed it as half a point.
He had no choice.
----
Rainn: Due to the difference in ranks and titles among different branches of the military, a naval "captain" outranks a "captain" in the army.
Pause.
Rainn: So if there was an emergency, Captain America would have to defer to Captain Crunch.
He shakes his head.
Rainn: It just doesn't seem fair.
The More You Know...
