Harry wouldn't exactly call them nightmares. He never woke up out of breath and drenched in sweat. Neither did he wake up crying or screaming. He usually thought of them as reminders, reminders of his failures, of the innocent lives lost and the mistakes made, always there in the hopes that next time there would be less casualties, that next time he'd save the majority and not just one or none. But what he'd been experiencing of late, what he'd seen in his dreams, those were nightmares.
The event at the church was not something he thought of often, if at all, while awake. There was nothing to be gained from it, nothing to be learned. Even before the test had started, when he hated every single person inside, he never would have killed them and certainly not in such a brutal way.
Yet despite this, the memory of it kept appearing in his dreams, repeating in his head like a tired record. It was one of the few dreams that he would consider a nightmare. Not only did it cause unnecessary pain, occasionally he even forgot where he was when waking up. Other times he woke up feeling like he'd done the whole ordeal over again, out of breath and sore.
He didn't speak of this to anyone, part of him ashamed and another afraid of what might be said. But after he was discharged he should have known Merlin would broach the subject. Merlin knew everything.
They were currently eating dinner as they watched a Kingsman climb the outside of a building. It would have been nicer to go to a restaurant as part of Harry being discharged, but responsibility wasn't something a Kingsman could simply ignore. Besides, the meal was nice and the mission was going well.
"The guard has just left. You can enter now," Merlin said as he continued to watch. However, he turned off the microphone to ask, "Are you going to seek help? I can understand not wanting to call in a psychiatrist or therapist through our services but I can't see you ignoring this."
"What makes you think I'm ignoring it?" asked Harry, not denying anything but also not giving anything away.
"Harry any-take a right now-any normal person would be severely traumatized after being mind controlled. If you thought it would affect your work I know you'd speak up but even if it doesn't affect your work, that doesn't mean-the code is 92-67-16-4-that doesn't mean it still won't affect you," Merlin finally finished as he simultaneously directed the man through the building and talked to Harry. "Please tell me you've at least toyed with the idea of talking to someone."
"It's only subconsciously, in the dreams and such," Harry responded.
"There's a guard entering on your left. Harry, please just don't let it fester."
"I've come to terms with what I did. The act of mind control though… Any agent, no matter what organization they are with, has been uncomfortable about a mission somewhere down the line. But they always had a choice."
"And you didn't," Merlin softly finished. "A car will be outside for you. There's a guard straight ahead of you." He sighed and glanced at Harry. "Would you care to talk after this?"
"No, but it may help. If the nightmares persist I'll go to a professional."
Merlin nodded and continued directing the Kingsman through the mission until he was at the safe point. It was only then that he fully turned to Harry and asked, "Would you like to go somewhere now? Since you are finally able to leave?"
"Only my flat but you are more than welcomed to come."
"I think I will. Let me just finish up here," Merlin responded. He only took a moment and then was walking side by side with Harry. They took the shuttle to the Tailor Shop and then walked down the street to Harry's flat.
Harry let out a large, rather happy sounding sigh as he looked around his apartment. Thankfully it hadn't changed since his last visit and Merlin had made sure someone had come by to tidy up the place just so it wasn't dusty either. Harry carefully took off and folded his jacket across an arm of his chair and then lightly placed himself in it.
"Oh it feels good to be home," Harry said with a small satisfied smile on his face. "Now, I said I'd talk."
"You don't have to. It was only a suggestion," reminded Merlin.
Nodding, Harry said, "Understandable but you're right; I may feel better afterwards. I think the most unnerving thing is that it's not like a dream where everything is warped or doesn't quite make sense and you just don't realize it until you wake up. It's more like a replay of that exact event again and again, nothing changing."
"Have you ever tried to change anything?" asked Merlin sitting across from him.
"Always," Harry replied with a sigh. "Nothing ever does though. Still, it is honestly better telling you this than paying someone to listen to it." He sighed; then gestured with his hand for Merlin to come over. He did and Harry took one of his hands, softly stroking it before finally bringing it to his lips in a soft kiss.
"Merlin," said Harry, "I do appear like myself, don't I?"
Giving him a rather worried face, Merlin carefully said, "Harry…"
"Just wondering," he replied, kissing Merlin's hand once more. "Thank you for being here when I need it. You've always been an invaluable friend and companion."
"Well I certainly try," responded Merlin. He loosened his hand and moved behind Harry. "Here, your shoulders are stiff as hell."
Massaging, Harry's back, he allowed a small smile to show as he saw Harry finally loosen and grow at ease under his touch. Afterwards he slowed down and asked, "Better?"
"Much, thank you Merlin."
Moving back around so Harry could see his face, Merlin knelt beside him and moved the conversation back to what they had previously been talking about. "Before, why would you ask something like that?"
"Assurance," Harry replied. Upon Merlin's slightly worried look he added, "I know I'm me. But my view of the past me is warped and, to an extent, I can't fully trust it. I just wanted to make sure I hadn't changed."
"Well of course you've changed," supplied Merlin, "but I still love you. So however you've changed it hasn't changed the part of you that matters."
"You really are an excellent speaker. Thank you," Harry said with a small smile. Looking off at one of the windows, he asked, "What time is it?"
"Nearly one in the morning."
"Bed appears to be the most logical choice then. There will be plenty to do tomorrow."
"Agreed."
Merlin wordlessly followed Harry to bed, both always having kept some of their cloths at the other's house. They changed and climbed into bed, Harry immediately pulling Merlin closer. "I feel like I haven't said thank you enough for all that you do for me."
"You know you never have to but it's always appreciated when you do so. All I want is for you to be okay Harry."
"I am okay, not perfect but okay." Harry responded. He softly turned Merlin's face to look at his. He wasn't positive when he'd last said this, maybe he'd never vocally expressed it, but if not then it was time he did. "I love you."
"Agus Bidh gaol agam ort fad mo bheatha, thusa 's gun duine eile."
Harry didn't ask what the sentence meant, knowing the meaning from the emotions put behind in word.
AN: This chapter is a little sadder than the first two but I wanted to stick in some really heartfelt moments. The next will defiantly be lighter and will probably include Eggsy and others again.
Still, I probably won't be able to pop out the next chapter as quickly but I'll try. I hope everyone is enjoying this and thank you so much to every reviewer or person who has bookmarked and favorited this story!
Also, hopefully I got the translation right as at the end Merlin is speaking Scottish Gaelic and is saying "And I will love you my whole life, you and no other."
