Chapter Three
During the emotionally charged walk back to the shelter, Chakotay had some time to think about what he was going to do and what he wanted to say to Kathryn; No, what he desperately NEEDED to say to Kathryn so she could truly understand how he felt about her. He knew deep down inside himself, at the most basic level, that if only she could feel what he felt and know how much he was willing to give up to forever be with her, she would surely and willingly spend the rest of her life with him.
As he emerged from the tree-line, full of hope and certainty, his attention was drawn to his left where he found Kathryn sitting peacefully on a wooden bench he had built just a few short weeks ago. He stood still, motionless, willing his breathing to slow…wanting his heart to stop. He watched as Kathryn sat looking out into the forest that surrounded their meager shelter. She appeared to be lost in thought. She was so beautiful to Chakotay; the perfect combination of grace and refined femininity all the while fiercely protective with a headstrong will that could never be broken. The latter was what concerned Chakotay. Had she already made up her mind? Should he have stayed with her rather then running off into the meadow to meditate? All sense of hope and certainty melted from his heart, mind and soul like an ice cream cone on a hot summer's day, Chakotay's peace of mind was quickly disappearing.
He thought about turning around and heading back into the forest; maybe he should meditate again. Maybe there was something else his spirit guide wanted to tell him. Just as he was about to turn around to leave Kathryn's head turned toward him. Her eyes settled on him like two burning coals, her previously calm and tranquil expression replaced by the hardened look of a Starfleet captain. Chakotay's heart began to beat; it began to slam in his chest threatening to break his ribs. He felt as if he couldn't breathe, yet he could hear air rushing in and out of his lungs at a near frantic pace.
Chakotay closed his eyes, inhaled deeply and took a step forward into the clearing around the shelter. Upon opening his eyes he saw Kathryn slowly walking toward him. The two friends crossed the space between them in a matter of seconds, much too fast for Chakotay as he couldn't remember what he wanted to tell her. When they reached each other Kathryn extended both hands to Chakotay. He took both of her hands into his as they smiled into each other's eyes.
Kathryn couldn't get over how much she cared for Chakotay. He had been her best and most trusted friend, nearly since the first time they met aboard Voyager. As she looked into his face now, she saw the same man she originally met on the bridge of her ship. He had the same intensely charming expression with his dimpled cheeks and disarming smile. She always found this to be a comfort to her, albeit infuriating when she was having a bad day or had not had her morning coffee. No matter how upset she was with him or anyone else, if he put on his charm she was unable to remain irritated. However, she also noticed something else in his expression she had not seen in quite some time. He had a haunted, almost defeated look in his eyes. What was troubling him? Did he truly love this planet so much that he was upset about returning to Voyager? Surely he knew she would always cherish their time they shared here on New Earth. She would always have a special bond with him, one that no one could break. She began to think about all the wonderful things that Chakotay had done for her. How he made a bath tub for her with his own two hands so she could feel the comforts of home, in their new home, to help her adjust more easily. She thought about his story of the young warrior dedicated to the woman who helped him to change into a better person. Maybe he regrets what he said to her. Maybe he only said those things because there wasn't anyone else to choose from on New Earth. Now that they were returning to the ship, maybe he wanted to be free to pursue other interests which didn't include her. It's not like he declared his undying LOVE for her! Kathryn actually started to feel a calmness settle over her. Maybe this conversation they needed to have would go better then she had hoped. Maybe he wanted to say the same things to her, she did to him. That settled it! They would have dinner together, one last time here on New Earth and they could have an honest and open discussion about what has changed and what has not, now that they would be returning to Voyager.
"Hello, Chakotay! Where did you run off to?" Kathryn said still smiling and holding Chakotay's hands.
"I went to have one last visit with an old friend." He responded pointing in the direction of the large old tree in the meadow.
"Ah. Well, how about one last dinner here on New Earth with this old friend?" She pointed to herself. Kathryn had this sudden irrational hope that Chakotay would make a comment about her not looking a day more then 25 years old. Chakotay took a moment to respond. He continued to look straight into Kathryn's face as if he was trying to read her mind. Apparently, either giving up or deciding it didn't matter what she was thinking, he said with a reserved grin and breaking off eye contact:
"I would love to. How about something out of the garden we've been slaving over for weeks? We should at least eat some of it too before we leave." With that the two turned toward the shelter to begin preparing their final meal on New Earth.
When they reached the entrance to the shelter Chakotay paused, not turning to look at Kathryn he said:
"Kathryn…there is something important I want to tell you. I think…" Chakotay paused mid-sentence unable or possibly unwilling to continue.
"What is it, Chakotay?" Kathryn interjected, uncomfortable with the silence between them. The tension was on the rise and Kathryn didn't enjoy the feeling.
"It's…it's nothing really…well I guess…well I think maybe you should be the one to pick what you want from the garden and let me do the cooking." It was obvious Chakotay had something else on his mind but Kathryn played along with his lame attempt at hiding it.
"You know, Chakotay; I think that's the best idea you've had today!" Kathryn responded, and then slapped him on the shoulder in an attempt to appear unphased and unaware of his clear attempt at hiding his true intentions. Kathryn quickly went in search of the ripest and tastiest vegetable she could find in the garden. Plus, if she was the one picking dinner rather then cooking it, she was all for it!
Twenty minutes later Kathryn walked back into the shelter carrying a basket overflowing with a variety of freshly picked fruits and vegetables. Seconds after entering the shelter, her eyes adjusted to the change in lighting and she noticed Chakotay in the kitchen. She had expected to find him standing at the sink washing dishes or organizing spices. Something…anything but what she saw him doing. There he sat at the kitchen table, head in his hands and what appeared to be a sheet of old fashioned paper and pen sitting on the table in front of him. Not sure what to do or how to react, Kathryn stepped back outside and waited. She actually counted to one hundred and started back inside. Just before entering the shelter, Janeway bumped into the doorframe and made a considerable amount of noise so as not to enter unnoticed. Upon entering, her gaze immediately settled upon the table Chakotay had been seated at moments before, only to find it was unoccupied. The paper and pen were also no where to be seen. Kathryn walked over to the table and laid the heavy basket down and began to take the vegetables out to be washed. From behind her, she heard the sounds of Chakotay digging through cabinets in search of the perfect pots and pans to use for tonight's dinner.
"Chakotay, did you want to take all these vegetables out here on the table, or do you want me to bring the whole basket to you?" Kathryn said, completing the sentence before turning to face Chakotay.
"You can just bring me the entire basket." Chakotay responded without looking in her direction.
Kathryn picked up the basket and brought it to the kitchen. "Would you like some help? I can make a mean spinach salad!" Her attempt at levity felt awkward, forced and tasted bitter as it left her mouth.
Chakotay was now standing directly in front of her. She could literally feel the warmth emanating from him. Kathryn tilted her face up and looked directly into his eyes. She was shocked at his expression. She felt as if someone had knocked her in the stomach as she took in his face. His eyes were bloodshot and the surrounding areas were red and swollen. He appeared as if he had been crying or was about to cry.
"Are you alright, Chakotay? You look upset…what's going on? Talk to me, Chakotay…you know you can tell me anything!" Kathryn wanted to plead with him to open up and tell her what was bothering him. But she also knew, much like herself, he could be a private person and she didn't want to push too hard and risk him closing off even further.
"Nothing. I'm fine, really. Why don't you go and get cleaned up for dinner and I'll start cooking." He smiled in her direction but Kathryn was quick to notice he didn't make eye contact.
"Well, if you need anything, just let me know." And with that she went into her private sleeping area and began to clean up for dinner. In the mean time Chakotay continued to prepare a vegetarian feast. He was determined to make this a meal…an evening to remember. He only hoped that it would be fond memories and not heart breaking ones he would relive everyday aboard Voyager and possibly everyday for the rest of his life.
After what seemed like an eternity, Kathryn heard Chakotay call to her from the kitchen. She was pleased to hear that he used his normally calm soothing voice she had grown accustomed to while on New Earth. She thought back to the time the two of them experienced the violent plasma storm on this planet. She had been so frightened. The storm had uprooted trees, destroyed the research she had been working on for weeks and nearly cost her, her own life. In fact, it probably would have killed her had Chakotay not grabbed her and pulled her under a sturdy metal table that shielded them from their collapsing shelter. He held onto her unbelievably tight. Looking back on it she realized now he not only held her, shielding her with his own body, but was keeping her safe under the table rather then allowing her to run out like a fool to save her experiments. He knew her so well; he was able to save her from herself. He kept her calm that night by talking to her. He just kept reassuring her, telling her everything would be alright as long as they were both safe and had each other. They would survive another day together and nothing could conquer them while they worked together as one. Kathryn realized she was standing in her sleeping compartment and never responded to Chakotay's call. Her vision refocused and she could see Chakotay standing in the kitchen area as she looked through the translucent door separating the two living areas. He was standing facing her closed door…Again he called out to her:
"Kathryn? The food is ready. Are you going to eat?" He sounded a bit less assured; a little concern had crept into the tone of his voice. With that Kathryn opened the door and took a step out into the common area. At first Chakotay had a relieved expression on his face. He had obviously been concerned as to why Kathryn had taken such a long time to come out of her room. Then something changed. As he took in the sight of Kathryn standing there before him wearing a beautifully handmade dress she had completed only the day before and her hair left down around her shoulders, his face flushed red and his stare intensified. Neither said a word. They looked at each other in silence observing the other as if to whoever spoke first, would be the one that ended this moment. It was obvious that neither wanted that to happen.
Kathryn broke first. Looking away she cleared her throat and somehow managed to say:
"So, you said dinner was ready?" Looking past Chakotay she added:
"Oh that looks fantastic, Chakotay! You have really outdone yourself tonight!" Genuinely pleased with the food she saw piled up in the kitchen.
Again, silence filled the room like a muffling snowfall; both could again hear their own quickening heart beats and rapid intake of breath. Kathryn again looked toward Chakotay: "Chakotay?"
With that, she watched as Chakotay slightly shook his head and blinked rapidly in what appeared to be self admonishment. He rushed back into the kitchen and began to bring out the food.
"Go ahead and have a seat, Kathryn. You are going to LOVE this meal!" Chakotay said with his usual enthusiasm.
Kathryn made her way over to the table and smiled deeply as she watched Chakotay bring dish after dish of homemade vegetarian cuisine.
"How are we going to eat all this food before we leave? We only have a few hours." Kathryn was still smiling and enjoying the view. That's when she noticed Chakotay paused momentarily as if contemplating what she had just said.
"I guess we could just tell voyager we don't want to go back to the ship. We would prefer to stay here planet side and enjoy our lives we created. Here, together, just the two of us!" Chakotay replied with all seriousness.
Smiling and continuing to bring levity to the room, Kathryn replied:
"Oh yeah right!" Rolling her eyes feigning exasperation she continued, "Some how I think Tuvok would not agree with that idea. He already disobeyed my direct order coming back for us. Nothing will stop him from beaming us aboard and leaving at warp 9!" Again Kathryn started to laugh softly until she noticed she was the only one who found humor in what she said. Oh no, Chakotay was being serious! Here I am making light of what he said. She thought to herself.
Suddenly, Kathryn didn't feel hungry anymore. In fact, the thought of eating made the lunch she ate 5 hours earlier rise to her throat. She realized now, tonight's dinner was not going to go as planned. It was going to be very difficult indeed. She hoped that she and Chakotay would survive the next few hours both physically and emotionally.
"Chakotay, I think we need to have our discussion now." Kathryn stated flatly.
"I think you're right, Kathryn, there is a lot I really need to say to you. I don't think I can wait much longer. It's driving me crazy not telling you." The last sentence said just above a whisper. He was desperate to discuss their plans for after their return to Voyager.
"Alright then, would you like to start or shall I?" Janeway motioned to Chakotay to take a seat across from her at the table.
"You go first!" They both blurted out simultaneously followed by an awkward silence between the two of them! Chakotay finally broke the silence:
"Kathryn, I've been doing a lot of thinking." Pausing momentarily to gather together mentally what he wanted to say next. "When we first came to New Earth, we arrived as Captain and first officer. Sure, we were friends but our titles and responsibilities aboard ship took precedence in our lives…" Again Chakotay paused as Kathryn smiled silently with a slight nod of her head. "Over time…as we spent more time here getting to know each other better…we um…became, well, closer. We became friends first and titles second. Our responsibility was to each other." Chakotay paused again.
Kathryn could tell he was having a very difficult time saying what he wanted. She was also tempted to come to his aid by interrupting with her own thoughts and opinions. But what exactly were those opinions? She came into this dinner knowing full well what she wanted, what she needed to say. She knew she needed things to go back to the way they were aboard Voyager. She needed the structured hierarchy Starfleet implemented hundreds of years in the past. She needed this so she could remain focused on getting her crew home. She owed that to each and every one of her crew, her undivided effort to get them home. Her own feelings and needs needed to come second! Yet, she had feelings and wants of her own and she was having a difficult time suppressing them. These began to emerge weeks ago on this planet when she had no hope of ever leaving it. But now, now she knew she HAD to leave, but turning off these reawakened emotions was proving nearly impossible. She hoped against hope that Chakotay would understand, or even better, agree with her logical decisions. However, there was a part of her that longed for him to fight her on this decision, fight her and persuade her to change her mind.
Chakotay cleared his throat and began again: "I never thought Voyager was going to return to us and we were going to spend the remainder of our lives here on New Earth. Just the two of us."
"Chakotay…" Kathryn began and reached her hand across the table to find his.
"No, please, Kathryn, let me finish. I need to tell you what's on my mind." With that Kathryn withdrew her hand and remained quiet. "I know our relationship has…well…evolved during our time together. Now that we are going back to Voyager it will change again."
Here it comes, Kathryn began thinking to herself, he is going to tell me that we had a great time here together but now we need to go back to how things were on board Voyager. I hoped he would have given me more trouble about putting our relationship on hold but apparently he is ready for a break. It's not like we really had a relationship anyway. I'm not going to sit here and let him make all the decisions. It's obvious we are on the same page so let me take control…as the captain, I'm the one in charge anyway.
"You are absolutely right Chakotay!" Janeway interrupted.
"I am? But I haven't really said anything yet! I haven't really told you what's been on my mind." Chakotay blurted out obviously flustered. What is she doing, thought Chakotay, why is she saying this? Look at her, she is no longer Kathryn, she's Captain Janeway! I guess her mind has already been made up and I doubt I'll be able to change it. Chakotay began to resign himself to what appeared to be the inevitable.
"Chakotay, things have to change! We are being picked up by Voyager in a matter of a few hours. We will be expected to be Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay from the minute we set foot on that ship. Our relationship here on New Earth was…wonderful." Janeway again reached across the table and grabbed Chakotay's hand. This time however, he didn't pull away, as all fight was rapidly bleeding away from him.
She continued: "We need to be focused on our mission. The one we promised each and every member of OUR crew! We promised that we will get them home and keep them safe! We need to give up our own wants and needs for the betterment of our crew…our FAMILY!" The words just flowed out of Janeway's mouth as if her tongue had its own mind, acting separately from the one place she always seemed to have to ignore, her heart.
Looking across the table Kathryn watched as Chakotay processed all of what she said. He sat there with his hand in hers. Then, with a bitter smile, his eyes dimmed and his hand went limp. He came to stand along side where Kathryn sat looking up at him, and without looking at her simply said:
"Yes. Captain." He then walked away into his sleeping compartment and closed the door softly behind him.
A few hours passed as Kathryn continued to gather her belongings together in preparation of boarding Voyager. Tuvok had hailed them twenty minutes ago and said that Voyager would be in transporter range within the hour. Chakotay had not reemerged from his sleeping compartment; however Kathryn could hear him packing up his belongings and preparing to leave New Earth forever.
Kathryn had completed her packing and sat down at the kitchen table to wait for Voyager. As she waited she couldn't help but replay the events that happened during dinner. This reminded her that she had not eaten a single bite of food, but was not surprised she felt not the least big hungry, considering the emotions coursing through her body. Leaving New Earth was going to be way more difficult then she ever imagined it could be. Kathryn thought back to when she first came in from the garden before dinner today. What was the white piece of paper sitting in front of Chakotay? Why was he so upset? Why did he react to her the way he did during dinner? He walked away and secluded himself in his room. He was about to tell her he wanted to return back to their previous relationship wasn't he? He should have been relieved she was on the same page with him, in total agreement. Kathryn thought to herself: Maybe I should try one last time to talk with Chakotay before Voyager gets here. That's when her communicator beeped to life: Voyager to Captain Janeway.
Kathryn sighed, tapped her comm badge and responded to the hail, "This is the Captain, go ahead Voyager."
Tuvok then informed Kathryn that Voyager was in orbit around New Earth and to prepare to beam aboard. They would be beamed directly to sickbay so the doctor could inoculate them; thus curing them of the disease that imprisoned them on New Earth in the first place. Tuvok then reminded her that Voyager was on a different time then they were on the planet. It was 1800 hours on New Earth; however it actually was 2300 hours aboard Voyager. By the time they are seen by the doctor it will be midnight and Tuvok thought it would be most logical to have the command team get some rest and fully acclimate to Voyager-time before starting their next duty shift. Janeway agreed and said she would inform commander Chakotay.
"One last thing, Tuvok." Janeway said before signing off.
"Yes, Captain?" Tuvok responded in his usual intonationless manner.
"Give Commander Chakotay and me 5 minutes before you beam us back aboard Voyager." Kathryn wanted one last chance to talk with her friend.
"As you wish, Captain, prepare to beam aboard in 5 minutes." Tuvok then cut transmission, no doubt already having set a timer to beam them back aboard Voyager in precisely five minutes.
Kathryn walked over to Chakotay's room and raised her hand to knock. Just as she drew her hand back to tap the translucent door, Chakotay opened it and stepped out into the living area.
"I heard, Captain, they will be transporting us in 5 minutes," Chakotay looked at his watch, "No make that 4 ½ minutes." He corrected himself without any of his usual humor.
"Chakotay, I wanted to know if there was anything you wanted to say to me before we go back aboard Voyager. Anything that maybe you didn't get to say because I, well, interrupted you while you were talking. I tend to…"
"Yes you do tend to interrupt at the worst times…Captain." Chakotay said with a hint of a forced grin. "But no, I no longer have anything that needs to be said. I believe you said it all for the two of us." A hint of bitterness was evident in Chakotay's tone.
Kathryn was not going to beg him to say something he didn't want to say…whatever it may have been. She figured that if he ever wanted to come to her at another time he would hopefully know she was there to listen this time.
With that Chakotay and Kathryn walked outside their shelter with the belongings they were taking with them and waited to be beamed aboard Voyager. For 3 long minutes they stood side by side in awkward emotionally charged silence until they both felt the familiar release of tension as their atoms were decompiled and transferred to the ship. Once aboard, they were recompiled as if being reborn into their previous lives as Captain Janeway and Commander Chakotay. Titles first, friends second.
