DIEGOXSHIRA ONESHOT #3
Animal I have Become
I can't escape this hell. So many times I've tried. But I'm still caged inside. Somebody get me through this nightmare. I can't control myself. So what If you can see the darker side of me. No one will ever change this animal I have become. Help me believe it's not the real me. Somebody help me tame this animal.
Do you ever get that feeling when you realize you've screwed up not just a little, but enough to where it hurt someone else? Maybe you haven't. Maybe you actually think before you choose to do something. But if you have had this feeling, you probably would most likely wish that you never did it. You'd do anything to take it all back. All of it. Sure, even the best of us screw up every now and then, and yes, we might not ever learn from the mistakes we constantly make over and over and over again. Thinking you CAN learn from your mistakes is pretty much like saying that you can get anywhere in life, and have any kind of life that you want if you just put your mind to it. Well, both of those statements are pure lies. Why am I being so negative? Because I screwed up.
This is really all that's ever been going inside my head since I left. I left everyone. Well, I actually didn't choose. THEY did. Those traitors! I've been betrayed. It's the most awful feeling anyone could ever get inside of them. Betrayal. But the absolute worst part of all was her. She betrayed me. NO! She didn't just betray me! She destroyed me! She killed me! She was all I wanted. Everything I needed. She was my world, but not anymore. I probably wouldn't be in as much pain if it wasn't her fault in the first place. It's all her fault. I'll never forgive her just like she never forgave me. So I'm alone. No idea where I am, no idea what I'm gonna do for the remainder of my days. And I honestly don't care. No one cares. All these years, I though the whole heard trusted me as I trusted them. But I guess ever since she came, that all changed.
Her name was Shira.
She was a light grayish, black striped patterned saber tooth tigress. Like I said, she meant everything to me. She use to. Now, she is nothing but a faded, waste of a time memory from my wasted, meaningless past. Now, why am I thinking of the things I want to forget? Just because. Is anything else more important? No. The last important thing I can think of is when I completely screwed up. And they know I did. I just wish I could go back in time and prevent all of this from happening. I screwed up. So badly. Why?
I'll start from the beginning, I guess. It was a rather cold day on the tropical island that my use to be family decided to call home. This was also around when I first met Shira. I asked her to join our herd, or as I now see it, their herd. How could I let her go? That frozen scrap of ice was the last place that someone as beautiful as she was could live on. She deserved so much more. I deserved so much more. So, getting to our new home really took a while, the wind was as calm and soothing as Shira described the wind of the ice ship's current to be. Only she said that this breeze was even more relaxing and peaceful than any day living on that pirate ship
Funny, when I first met her, the day my life was instantly and forcefully turned around in a new direction, she wanted no part of me. Yet, of all the hurtful things she said to me, of all the insults and jokes she used to make fun of me, I still was willing to let her join our herd. Our use to be herd. Now that I think about it, a herd really doesn't seem any different than a pack. Same with a crew, such as the one Shira use to be a member of. I guess she was right. What's the difference? Nothing. Why give something that means one thing three names? We've got each others backs? Sure, for a while, yes. But that all suddenly changed. Now, it's the biggest lie I've ever heard of. And it sickens me.
So, as I sat there, next to Shira on that half a day trip across the ocean, you'd think something interesting would have happened during that time. Actually, I wouldn't really call it interesting.
"What is the difference between a herd and a pack?" She said that day, traveling with the ocean's current. Everyone else in the herd was on literally the opposite side of the ice chunk. Now, I don't usually jump to random assumptions, but they were definitely thinking that Shira and I needed alone time. Ya, that's rich. Me and Shira? Now that I think about it, I'd probably be better off alone, with no one to care about.
"I thought I already told you this." I tell her with no passion in my words at all. It was something I'm sure Shira hated more than anything. I showed very little interest in her. Hell, what am I saying?! I'm almost positive that she had no intentions for me either. It just wasn't meant to be.
"Ya, they've got each others backs. Great. One difference. It isn't enough to call them two separate things." She said back to me. It was something she was really good at. When ever we argue, it's a close argument, but in the end, she'll throw something at me that I won't be prepared for, giving her the win to the argument. The first couple of times, it was fun, seeing her act like she was better than me, and unfortunately, it took me a while to realize that.
"If there really is no difference, then what does it matter which one you're in?" I said, thinking that for once, I won the argument.
"I don't know, you tell me?" She said with a seemingly obvious tone of annoyance in her words, "Why don't you go back to living in a pack?"
I look back to see if any of the herd members were listening to our "private" conversation.
Amazingly enough, none of them even broke eye contact with me as I looked behind me at them. The entire herd was looking directly at Shira and I. Great. Great job, guys. If you were really wanting me to spend some alone time with her, then that's a great way to do it. Not being able to stand how awkward the whole situation was, I got up and walked over to a different corner of the ice, alone. As I was doing this, I faintly hear Shira's voice, "Guess I win again."
Dammit, that really irritates me! Still, what could I possibly say? No matter what I ever say to her, it always turns into an argument. Does it have to be that way?! I lose my mind on the inside whenever things like that happen.
So, ya. That's pretty much the whole awkward summary for that awkward ten hour trip. Now, I'm not gonna go into all the details with this trip doing absolutely nothing for that long of a time span, knowing I was just going more and more insane by the second. I'm amazed that I managed to get through THAT hell without completely going berserk, but how I screw up will be of no surprise to me.
Once I caught my first glance at the island we were staying on, I thought for a second that my sanity was kicking back in, but that went away once Shira came up beside me, instantly making me think back to that awkward conversation we had. I'm not kidding, every time she's anywhere near me, I'm a completely different saber!
Getting off the ice at long last, the hot sand from the sun's rays has never felt so good. In fact, it never has. But this time was different. As I walked a couple feet ahead of the rest of the herd, who were taking their time admiring the place, I notice Shira starting to get a concerned look on her face. I honestly had no idea why she had that look. I'm not sure if it was directly at me, or what. Seeing her like that, I turn back to face ahead of me and started walking a little faster away from her.
Not looking back, I continued along the beach, up towards the grassy terrain leading into the tree infested forest. I just kept walking and walking, not having a single inch of regret from that moment back on the iceberg, nor with the herd becoming concerned with my absence. After all, Shira saw me walk away, so she would tell them, not that I would care if she did or not. But there in lies what I should have expected the entire time I was walking through the forest. Shira was following me. Now, at the time, I had no idea. And when you're alone, it's really the only time in the world where you can truly be yourself. No matter what you say, no one will make fun of you. This, therefore, is the reason why we all talk to ourselves, the only ones we can trust.
Coming to a stop, I sit down near a river that ran through the seemingly never ending forest.
"What the hell is wrong with me?" I say to myself, unaware of Shira's presence.
"No, what's wrong with them? Everyone else. There's nothing wrong with me. There can't be anything wrong with me at all." I say. Clearly, to both Shira and I, this was the around the time where I became insane. Unable to control my actions both mentally and physically, which will result in the actions I will soon regret.
"Why can't I? What's wrong with me?" I still continuously say, and I'm sure Shira had no idea what I was talking about, and now that I think about it, neither do I.
"Shira... I... I just..." I struggle to say the right words, although, at the time, I thought that I was alone.
"I hope you never regret the decision you made." I said, finding a substitute for my original words. Ever since Shira made her decision to join "their" herd, I've been fraught with worry. What if she decides to leave? What if she thinks that all of this is just not be life for her. And I wish I could have said this earlier. It might of changed how things ended up now. I wanted to tell her how much I wanted to help her. To make her life meaningful. To stay with me. But no, I couldn't say that. I couldn't possibly say THAT! Why would I?!
"... Diego?" I hear the voice that I would be able to recognize the easiest. Because I knew exactly who it was, I didn't bother turning around. I just say there and waited for her presence to be seen before me. But she never appeared. Getting impatient, I yank my head behind me, seeing Shira standing there with a rather irritated look on her face. I guess she didn't get enough out of me the first time we were arguing back on the iceberg, or hell, even when we first had some sort first bond at Switch Back Cove, when we held her prisoner in that tree. Even them, she'd still seemingly insult me, never appearing to lose any interest in doing so.
"Had enough of your 'special' alone time, Softie?" She said. God, the insanity was building up so powerfully at that moment in time! I was at the edge of completely losing it. What? I don't have a reason to be acting this way? Does everyone have the same exact temper? Everyone in my use to be herd knew about my short temper. And the learned to work around it, kind of. Bit Shira knew nothing of who she was dealing with. She has no idea. She still has no idea. She has no idea about the animal she created.
My rage was at peaks strength at that very moment, I just couldn't stop myself before I sprung off of the ground, and tackled Shira off the small cliff by the river, causing her to land on her back, causing blood to appear on her back. Now, you'd think I would have stopped right there. But I was truly a monster that couldn't control itself. I immediately started slashing away at her, and close my jaws in to her neck. The thing was, by then, the rage inside of me some how disappeared. Not completely though. Just enough for me to release my grip on her.
I'll never forget the pain in her eyes as I looked down at her. Her tears were mixed in with he blood cause by me. The hard falling rain washed the tears and blood away for her very slowly.
You truly have no idea what was going through my head at that exact moment, and it would be too hard to try to explain.
Not knowing what to say, all I could say was, "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" And for once, there was passion in those words. But now, it's to late for that. Without thinking, I bolted off, away from the animal I became.
So ya. That's basically the story in a nutshell. And is also how I am where I am today. Lost. Absolutely no where. It's been this way for two days now, and I'm still feeling no reason to return. Even if I did, I wouldn't know the way back. Like I said, I'm lost.
Shira, what did I do wrong? Why did you HAVE to say all those hurtful things to me?! Was there any purpose? Was there any meaning? Did you actually mean all those words you said? All those lies?! I don't understand! Someone! Anyone! Help me from this nightmare! I can't control my self! Somebody wake me from this nightmare! I can't control my self! Help me tame this animal I have become!
I lost it. It's over.
This animal.
"...Diego?" The answer called out to me.
"...What?" I asked, turning around, seeing who I though I would have never seen again. I started growling at her, but stopped and refrained myself from doing so.
Looking at her, I could see the scars that I gave her those two night ago. Looking at them tore me apart on the inside.
"Get away from me. If you know what's good for you." I tell her, wishing I actually didn't.
"Diego...I'm... I'm sorry. This was really all my fault. If I had just shut up in the first place, I-"
"Then shut up." I said, punching my self for saying that. I'm the one who should shut up. She's trying to apologize, dammit!
Seeing the hurt in her eyes, I walk closer to her. She starts to back up, afraid of the animal she created. I'm pretty sure at this moment, she final understood. The first creature to ever completely understand me.
Thinking this, i didn't stop myself before I leaned into her and touched her lips with mine. It felt so amazing. All my rage just died in those few seconds.
I though she was gonna maybe stay there, but she didn't. She forced herself out of my lock, and had the darkest blush on her face, and I'm pretty sure I had the same thing. I just couldn't see it.
Backing up a little bit, she gave me a look out of curiosity. At first I though I just made things worse, cause tears started forming in my eyes, and I really didn't care. She could make fun of me all she wanted to. It's what she's best at.
But she didn't. Instead, a small smile appeared on her face. Why, I wasn't sure. But I got it shortly after, because she jumped on me, pinning me to the ground and pressing her lips up against mine. She started moving more up across my body, licking away the tears that were still formed in my eyes. I couldn't believe any of this. But the truth is, I had to. I wanted to.
I started rubbing my arms across the side of her body, getting her to pure at the good feeling I was giving her. This also made me pure, as she did the same to my body.
I don't think either of us had any idea why we were doing this. We just felt sorry for each other I guess. But it didn't matter. Only this mattered. The two of us. Nothing else is important. That's what I always wanted to believe, and now, I finally do. Out of every possible way that this could have happened, I'll always remember to thank the animal inside of me.
THE END
